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Original poster

Did my husband go too far during MIL visit?

267 replies

Greenrun · 10/08/2025 17:03

AIBU to think that my husband went too far or did I go too far?

This past week my husband's family came to visit us for four nights from overseas: MIL, SIL and SIL's 10 year old daughter. First time MIL came, we cleaned the house for two days straight, I ordered SIL's luxury birthday cake. I sent MIL welcome text ahead of travel, google translate- we don't speak a common language. I felt I poured my heart and soul into hosting and received a glorious message from my MIL after their departure how I am the best daughter in law in the world.

But: the event was stressful for me behind the scenes and I made some negative remarks to my husband about his family. The first happened when I woke up at 6.00 am to MIL and SIL talking loudly in the kitchen and moving around furniture. They're guests, so of course I wasn't going to tell them anything! But I told my husband that I thought that was rude and inconsiderate of them. When they went to bed before us, I started whispering downstairs the moment they left to go to sleep. My husband's response: 'You are annoyed at everything.' I got very upset, I already hadn't slept for three nights. He got annoyed and irritated with me and all I wanted was some empathy and acknowledgement that this is tiring for me and they were a bit rude. Then he said he didn't hear it, suggesting again that I am the problem. I got really angry that he couldn't just admit the truth that this wasn't the nicest behavior from the guests. I never thought it was intentional or anything, just inconsiderate. That evening I remarked that SIL is quite neglectful towards her own daughter - easy to see, spoke to her twice a day only, kid otherwise left alone. I felt sorry for the girl. My husband went ballistic, 'Who are you to judge?' This was an observation and it's quite relevant as we're hoping to have kids, so if he doesn't see any of it, that's not a good sign to me. After they left, my husband said I ruined everything and next time his family is only coming if I'm away. I was hurt beyond words. I tried to see his side and gave him a genuine apology for criticising his family, saying it's not my business. Upon seeing my MIL's raving text about how happy she was with me, he said: 'Its all fake, because she doesn't know the real you.' I'm upset, because I took time off from work, cleaned and served the guests every day and my husband is still sulking mad at me, because I offended his family and therefore offended him. He doesn't think he offended me at all. He thinks it's 100% on me that I 'ruined' everything for him.

OP posts:
ShallIstart · 11/08/2025 20:00

They didnt do anything wrong were just a bit loud in the morning . You also dont know why his sister didnt speak to her daughter much that day.
You chose to break your back cleaning and hosting. I wouldnt have gone to those lengths of a three day clean. Thats on you.
I think you are being irrational tbh.

youalright · 11/08/2025 19:09

Hankunamatata · 10/08/2025 17:13

You you dont slag off your other halfs family to your OH esp when they are only here for a short time and they have come from abroad so i guess he doesnt get to see them.

Vent to a friend next time

Exactly this yabu thats his family who he barely sees.

Spirallingdownwards · 11/08/2025 18:55

Don't have a child with this man

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 11/08/2025 18:44

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TheCheekyCyanHelper · 11/08/2025 18:40

Booboobagins · 10/08/2025 19:55

You are right, they lived in yor house like it was their own and were inconsiderate. You needed rules about getting up etc and didn't have them in place.

I would not have said anything about the DN being neglected. She was left to her own devices and is therefore probably quite resourceful. I agree kids should be involved but often they dont want to be, so you might have read that wrongly.

Your DH is not impartial. He didn't help expected you to do the leg work and be tired. That's absolutely not fair.

Do not consider having children with him. Honestly you need to think about what's in this relationship for you. Maybe best to end it sooner rather than later - he doesn't sound like he even likes you.

I'm sending a hug - you're in such a difficult situation but you can get out.

How did they do anything like that? Because they got up early? Before op gave them permission?

Blessthismess2 · 11/08/2025 18:37

Well presumably he loves his family and you were slagging them off:

next time moan to a friend:

he should be appreciative for all the work you did hosting of course, but that doesn’t give you license to bitch about people he loves.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 11/08/2025 18:37

HappyGreenCat · 10/08/2025 19:08

Look CLOSER. Read between the lines here. He was happy for her to do ALL the work but went berserk because he couldn't cope with hearing anything about his family that felt like criticism. Then accused her of ruining everything. Classic tantrum from an obvious man-child.

She didn't do all the work, they both were cleaning tge house, together. She just didn't bother to mention his contributions in the initial post, most likely to make herself seem more sympathetic.

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 11/08/2025 18:36

He sounds like a drama llama to be honest 😂 I can see my families issues just like he can see his and we discuss them.

Not to be nasty but to talk about it 🤷🏼‍♀️ that’s exactly what you should do with your partner cos you are a team

His comments are vile. Do you really want kids with this man?

kurotora · 11/08/2025 18:32

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DestituteDesperate · 11/08/2025 18:31

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DestituteDesperate · 11/08/2025 18:29

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TheCheekyCyanHelper · 11/08/2025 18:28

Greenrun · 10/08/2025 17:28

This is where my thoughts are at the moment.

Show quote history

Interesting how you only interact with the posts that agree with you. You were quite rude about his family.

Original poster
Greenrun · 11/08/2025 18:27

Helen483 · 11/08/2025 18:19

And did you give ( or at least offer) her a snack?

But I really meant did you engage her in conversation on the group walk? Because a good way to get to understand children better is to ask them about themselves 😄

Show quote history

Thank you for commenting. I did. In fact, she's the only one who speaks English more or less enough to have a conversation. I'd known this girl for 7 years and I make an effort with her each time we visit them. Although I'm not sure how any of this is relevant to the conversation. Before they left, she carved the word 'STAY' into our thick carpet with her fingers. I will leave this open to interpretation.

OP posts:
beeautifullif3 · 11/08/2025 18:25

You were being very 2 faced i dont like the tone of your post and I suspect there's more to this and your hubby should run for the hills

AnaisVB · 11/08/2025 18:23

He’s taking it too far but you shouldn’t slam the family, especially as it’s a total one off and they aren’t likely to be visiting lots.
I look back on the arguments I had with my ex husband about our families and I honestly wish we hadn’t , it’s one major regret / learning curve since being divorced .
He’ll get over it but just don’t comment or run them down . You put in loads of effort and he should take that In to account.

Original poster
Greenrun · 11/08/2025 18:20

ClaireEclair · 11/08/2025 16:35

I think this is on you. They were guests in your home and as far as I can make out didn’t do anything wrong. What do you mean by moving the furniture around? Do you mean they changed things around like the tables and chairs? I can’t see the big deal with that! Maybe they were just trying to be comfortable. And you should never have picked apart his sister’s parenting! That’s not on. You just met them, you don’t know the family dynamic.

They were moving chairs around, so there was no intrusion about arrangements, but it was noisy enough to wake me up at the other end of the house through earplugs. This was on the third day, by then they had a sense of how sound moves around the house.

OP posts:
Helen483 · 11/08/2025 18:19

Greenrun · 11/08/2025 18:09

Thank you. As I wrote, I was the one who asked her if she was hungry, yes I spoke to her.

Show quote history

And did you give ( or at least offer) her a snack?

But I really meant did you engage her in conversation on the group walk? Because a good way to get to understand children better is to ask them about themselves 😄

Catwench · 11/08/2025 18:14

saraclara · 11/08/2025 16:33

So not similar issues at all. Because OP's in-laws didn't behave like yours in any way. In fact they were really grateful and MIL sent her a lovely appreciative message at the end.

Show quote history

I meant the husbands reactions, not the way the in-laws reacted.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 11/08/2025 18:10

@Greenrun your judgement of the SIL’s parenting is a huge red flag. You dont even
have a child yourself yet. What on earth made you think that you are well placed to opine on that?

That alone tells me that you don't know what to say or when.

I fully understand your DH’s upset completely.

Original poster
Greenrun · 11/08/2025 18:09

Helen483 · 11/08/2025 17:01

Didn't you interact with the child yourself?

Show quote history

Thank you. As I wrote, I was the one who asked her if she was hungry, yes I spoke to her.

OP posts:
DiggingHoles · 11/08/2025 18:08

Talking so loudly at six o'clock in the morning that you wake up the people who host you so generously is really rude and inconsiderate. Also, why were they moving furniture around in your house?

A parent largely ignoring a child is concerning. Strange that your husband doesn't see that.

What I don't understand is that you spent two whole days cleaning before they arrived. I get that you would want the house extra clean, but two days? Was the house that filthy? Also, was your husband not also cleaning? Who was doing most of the hosting, considering that they are your husband's family? This is what I would look at to see if he is father material. But from the snippets you have posted, it doesn't look like he is.

kurotora · 11/08/2025 18:00

I just don’t think the criticism and frustration fits the “crime” here. I’ve criticised DH’s mum but she’s also said things like “When are you going to get a proper job?” “How long until your cats die? Don’t get any more” (Doesn’t like cats, I love them as does DH) “Lose weight” “You are very lucky you married our son because your family is so poor” (they’re not well off, nor is DH!). Making a bit of noise too early in the morning for you doesn’t really seem that big of a deal.

Switcher · 11/08/2025 17:57

You guys do not sound like a cohesive unit. I would maybe wait a bit with the kids until you've figured out what you have in common and what you like about each other. From these posts, it seems....nothing.

Kjpt140v · 11/08/2025 17:54

Only read 50% of the post. So boring.

VintageDiamondGirl · 11/08/2025 17:52

TheRealGoose · 10/08/2025 17:19

In this situation I’d also be angry with you, they didn’t disturb you on purpose and calling your sil neglectful is judgey as hell. You were being nice to their face and bad mouthing them first chance you got.

Yup, this. Why be such a martyr, OP?