Did my husband go too far during MIL visit?

I think you were rude (perhaps understandably, but still). I’d be unhappy if my DP criticised my family if they were visiting us. It’s supposed to be lovely, special, happy time, but complaining about them, especially when we’re only there for 4 days was unnecessary. I’m guessing your DH thinks you’ve ruined that time by saying negative things about the people he loves.

It’s stressful hosting. We all judge and say irrational things because we’re all wrecked (from someone cleaning prior to hosting next week). You both need to just get a bit of sleep

ps a few days in someone else’s house is rarely indicative of someone’s parenting- everyone is either wrecked, acting or in their own world

All of that.

You can have a bit of a complain about your in-laws with your spouse, if they're a reasonably constant presence and you all know each other well.
But this visit by family members he hardly sees, will have meant a lot to him, @Greenrun . And it was only for a few days. Yet every day you managed to have a moan about their behaviour. Of course he was hurt. Could you really not keep your mouth shut for four days?

This.

PIL would tell us when they were visiting, it was a PITA and never convenient with a young DC and full time work, but I wouldn’t dream of criticising like you did, just as i wouldn’t be happy if he did it about my family.

You are only jumping in and quoting the few posts that agree with you, but the family did nothing wrong, you on the other hand were critical and unwelcoming.

I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to acknowledge the ‘effort’, as you clearly begrudge it! He must be deeply hurt to hear you talk like that about his beloved family members, no wonder he doesn’t want to praise you for cleaning and tidying etc.

This is another post where the OP needs to understand their part in this. OP you said you didn’t sleep for three nights and worked hard putting your soul into their visit and cleaning for days. This is extreme . By this point I can almost guarantee you were tired grumpy and not behaving like yourself. You got annoyed about their visit (they were up early - were they jet lagged????) and made negative comments but don’t say anything nice about them.

Your OH was right. They didn’t see the real you as clearly you put on a front but to him he saw the extreme measures and no sleeping etc.

Now you are disproportionately angry with your OH because he won’t agree with you. Take a state back and think about why this all happened.

You had feelings @Greenrun feelings make a lot of people feel incredibly uncomfortable and they will advocate for you never to express them. Your husband sounds like one of these people. Can I strongly suggest that you don’t live your life with people who do not allow you to express any negative feelings, they are utterly exhausting to be around.

You sound hardwork and rather unpleasant I dont see this marriage lasting.

But you were judging.

You yourself said it was inconsiderate rather than deliberately being difficult. You yourself have said that you started whispering the minute they left the room.

It is hard having people in your house - especially ones you don’t converse the same language with.

But his family came from abroad - he doesn’t see them much - and it wouldn’t have hurt you to event to a friend instead of him every time they were out of sight.

Hopefully you're not still considering having children with him....

You sound hard work. Your in laws sound fine. From how you're posting I'm assuming you banged on and on about how rude and inconsiderate they were to be simply awake and talking. It isn't a major crime. I dont think you are the superhost you think you are...

yeah I'd get that in writing.

You do sound very critical and judgemental.

I’d be especially upset about the neglectful parent comment.

I believe the unspoken rule is that people can speak negatively about their own parents and you can sympathise, but you can’t just come out with these things yourself. It’s hurtful when someone speaks about your family, even if what they’re saying is true. Some people won’t mind but they have to give you permission. That would usually be when they’ve put you both through the mills for years!

OP, cleaning and prepping for a family visit in advance does sounds really stressful. And if you don't know then very well, I can imagine it being hard to relax. From what you have said, you sound quite critical and judgemental of your in-laws. I really suggest thinking about whether there was scope for you to approach this situation differently as well as reflecting on your in-laws behaviour.

Sorry op but I get where your OH is coming from and I understand why he’s annoyed. He rarely sees his family and your remarks, however you intended them, came across like you were bitching about them and you were also doing it while they were still in the house. You took the shine off the visit for him and because you were moaning behind their back and he knew this, he then felt that you were being fake to their faces. You need to apologise.
The moaning you were doing was about trivial stuff (apart from accusing his sister of basically being a shit mum!!) , it’s the stuff you have a moan to your friends about after the visit over a glass of wine, not to your partner while they were still in the house! I think you were out of order.

Hosting is always a chore, guests will always do things different to you, being up at 6 and chatting in the kitchen is normal in lots of houses, mine included, you just bite your tongue as you invited them, or you don’t host.

well there’s sort of an unwritten rule not to complain to your OH about the in-laws, no good can come of it.

That said, you shouldn’t have been the one doing all the prep work. Why didnt he do it? who cleans before your family arrive?

After they left, my husband said I ruined everything and next time his family is only coming if I'm away.

Result!

You do sound overly critical and judgemental. Maybe they had jet lag and were up early. Hosting is always challenging and difficult especially when you don’t speak the same language. Some things you can just think to yourself or bitch to your friends about, no need to complain to your DH about his mum and sister.

It sounds as if you’re feeling unappreciated for the effort you put in to hosting his family. Has he even said thank you?
If you were exhausted from doing everything (perhaps as DH sounds like he was doing very little) then it’s no wonder that you wanted to vent. If the relationship is solid then that would usually be ok, but it sounds like it’s not. Certainly not equitable.
Are you sure you want to have kids with this man? He’s awful to you and you’re apologising to him?

This

But you’re complaining as soon as they leave - don’t you see how that’s really oppressive for your husband? He must be on eggshells for your next complaint.