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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wits end..

31 replies

Bibanova · 10/08/2025 16:11

Partner’s 11-year-old daughter visits regularly/stays with us and there are ongoing issues around boundaries. She often speaks rudely to her dad and spends a lot of time on her phone, including at the dinner table and late at night.

I’ve suggested simple house rules like no phone at mealtimes and no phone after 9pm. She’s made it clear she doesn’t think she should follow these as I’m not her parent. Her dad is reluctant to enforce any rules, saying he doesn’t want to cause conflict.

The result is tension between us whenever I try to set boundaries, and he frames it as “a problem between the two of us” rather than addressing the behaviour.

Has anyone dealt with this successfully? How do you set and maintain boundaries for a child in a blended family when the biological parent doesn’t back you up?
Am I being unreasonable to want harmony in my own home?

OP posts:
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aWeeCornishPastie · 12/08/2025 11:16

The dad is being a wimp and raising a little madam.
personally I don’t think I could be around this and would leave

Lurkingandlearning · 12/08/2025 11:14

Have you tried explaining to him that he is not doing her any favours by letting her do as she pleases. That he’s doing more harm than good? You probably have I was just thinking if you frame it that the rules, boundaries etc are best for her, it might make him take more responsibility.

It must be maddening that he won’t even match the rules her mum has in place for you and her mum.

ohime · 12/08/2025 10:23

Ah, a classic case of Divorced Parent Guilt Syndrome. Not much you can do about it really, except speak (gently) to your DH about it and take the long view. The divorce wars are a powerful motivator and neither parent wants to be the Bad Parent which will make the other look better.

My DH was so afraid of losing the divorce war by being the bad guy that when DSS brought home head lice we waited several weeks to treat him because DH didn't want to ruin his weekends with us. His mum finally treated him, but DH and I had already caught it and I turned out to be badly allergic, and it then took even longer to clear because DH didn't want to inconvenience DSS with the combing while he was, say, playing a computer game or watching tv. The only reason DH took any action at all was my throwing a fit about it.

In general, I dealt with this sort of thing by reminding myself that I was not DSS's mum, but more like an aunt: definitely within the family unit, but not a rule-setter. I think the only time I ever told DSS to do, or not do, something was when I got him to stop kicking my chair while I was wfh... and if memory serves, I bribed him. 😂

K9Mum · 12/08/2025 07:39

ARichtGoodDram · 11/08/2025 19:54

So he has no respect for you, no respect for his ex and is allowing his daughter to be rude so he can dodge being the bad guy...

He's a lazy parent and expects the women around to do all the tough bits like boundaries.

I'd walk away tbh. There is nothing attractive in a man that's too lazy and selfish to make the effort to parent his own child.

This

AgentJohnson · 12/08/2025 00:28

So this child’s mother is also being undermined by his lazy arse parenting.

He is the problem and you can’t pick up his parenting slack.

There is always a price to pay for the path of least resistance, urgh feckless fathers.

Cherryicecreamx · 12/08/2025 00:17

It's difficult setting rules for his child that he's not backing up.. but you can if it's your home. "No phones after 9pm in this house" so it's more "house rules" which you're more in your right to set.
The dad sounds more lazy than anything as he can't be bothered to implement anything.

ARichtGoodDram · 11/08/2025 19:54

So he has no respect for you, no respect for his ex and is allowing his daughter to be rude so he can dodge being the bad guy...

He's a lazy parent and expects the women around to do all the tough bits like boundaries.

I'd walk away tbh. There is nothing attractive in a man that's too lazy and selfish to make the effort to parent his own child.

Givenupshopping · 11/08/2025 19:35

Sorry OP, but if he won't listen to what you tell him, about the way he's allowing his child to get away with behaviour that her own Mum wouldn't allow, I'm afraid I'd be ending the relationship. If you live together, and can't agree on how he parents his child when they're with you, then you're fighting a losing battle and it WILL only get worse as his child gets older. Stop wasting your time. If it's your house, tell him it's over and time for him to move on. If it's his house, start looking for another home for you.

BluntLion · 11/08/2025 19:27

At the very least your OH should be keeping the same rules re his DD phone.

The rudeness should also be addressed by him as it will only get worse as she gets older.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 11/08/2025 18:44

I don’t in the main, even after 12 years, if there is a problem his dad and I discuss it. His dad handles most of the discipline and boundaries. I contribute now and again when I think it may be easier coming from me in some regard, but I can probably count those times on one hand in all honesty.

yorkiegirl12 · 11/08/2025 18:44

I am a step mum, and I’m sorry but I don’t agree with the “you can’t parent her she’s not your child” lines. They are in my house, and we have house rules (including no phones at the table and no phones in the bedroom overnight). Me and my husband follow the same rules, and the same rules would apply for play dates etc and they aren’t my children either. If the daughter’s mum has these rules in place then keeping them the same in your house is a no brainer! Your husband needs to step up so you’re both on the same page - the conflict is being caused by him going against both you and birth mum, if he was keeping the same rules there wouldn’t be any issues to overcome.

Createausername1970 · 10/08/2025 21:13

Not been in your situation, but I would agree with other posters - it's your partner's issue to deal with, not yours.

Unless it's directed at your personally, just don't engage and let her get on with it. There is a phrase "give them enough rope and they will hang themselves". So just take a step back and let it pan out. I suspect either she will annoy her dad, or her mum will be on the warpath about him not enforcing boundaries.

kittenkipping · 10/08/2025 20:58

I mean yanbu, but this whole situation should lead you to a serious evaluation of the relationship. Do you ever want your own children with him? If so, surely you can see he’s not a good parent? Do you respect him? I couldn’t respect a man so weak. Do you want to keep having this self same argument for years and years to come?

Endofyear · 10/08/2025 20:10

Your DH is the problem as he's not setting boundaries for his child. You cannot force him to do that - you can choose to not be involved by absenting yourself/preparing your own meals and not eating with them/taking yourself off to another room/going out and doing your own thing when his child is there. Or you can leave if his lack of parenting is a deal breaker for you.

Hankunamatata · 10/08/2025 19:46

Bibanova · 10/08/2025 18:42

No mobiles phones after 9 pm, no mobiles phones at the table.

Show quote history

Then you tell dp that house rules have to match mums or its not fair on his dd or his ex

SpryCat · 10/08/2025 18:49

I wouldn’t allow her to use my tablet if she is chucking her phone about under any circumstances. Your partner won’t put boundaries down so let him deal with the consequences.

jackstini · 10/08/2025 18:45

It would be helpful if the rules matched what she has to do at her Mum’s. He is being a wet lettuce - he should be enforcing the rules; it’s not your job

Do you have kids of similar age, what are the rules for them?

Original poster
Bibanova · 10/08/2025 18:42

Hankunamatata · 10/08/2025 17:36

House rules are important. What are the rules at her mum's?

No mobiles phones after 9 pm, no mobiles phones at the table.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bibanova · 10/08/2025 18:41

Ponoka7 · 10/08/2025 17:43

You'd have to give an example of her being rude, some people have different standards.
Her Dad obviously doesn't agree with you over her phone use. As asked, is it your house?

Recently sent a text to her dad saying, she needed me to stop talking about her, that I’m not her parent and she does not have to do what i say.. lots of eye rolling and throwing of offending mobile at her dad at 9pm. Her mum has set time limits on it . She then demands his mobile and my tablet

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 10/08/2025 17:43

You'd have to give an example of her being rude, some people have different standards.
Her Dad obviously doesn't agree with you over her phone use. As asked, is it your house?

Hankunamatata · 10/08/2025 17:36

House rules are important. What are the rules at her mum's?

CluelessAboutBiology · 10/08/2025 17:32

StrawberryCranberry · 10/08/2025 16:53

Your partner sounds a bit wet. He lets his 11yo sit on her phone at mealtimes and won't tell her not to because he doesn't want to cause conflict? He'd prefer to blame you than to take responsibility for his own lack of parenting? I would lose respect for him tbh.

If it was my house, he’d be moving out

ProfessorInkling · 10/08/2025 16:56

Take a step back, if she is rude to him and he lets her, there's nothing you can do. Do you have other DC? If not I'd go out and see friends when she is there. Let him have time alone with her.

StrawberryCranberry · 10/08/2025 16:53

Your partner sounds a bit wet. He lets his 11yo sit on her phone at mealtimes and won't tell her not to because he doesn't want to cause conflict? He'd prefer to blame you than to take responsibility for his own lack of parenting? I would lose respect for him tbh.

BMW6 · 10/08/2025 16:48

WTF?

This is his child, not yours! You don't get to set the rules any more than he would towards a child of yours!!

If you have a problem discuss with him and either end the relationship or accept his parenting style.

Can you imagine the furore if this was a bloke criticising a Mother's parenting?? 🙄