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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask relative to use our actual surname?

131 replies

HaagenYAAS · 10/08/2025 13:33

Husband and I have been married 13 years, one small child.
When we married we decided that we would merge our surnames rather than me take his surname or me keep my own. I know it’s a bit unusual but if felt right for us - a new surname with equal parts taken from each side.
A similar example (not our real name) is that my surname was Mancell and his was Harrison, and we became Manson. It is all legal and done by deed poll, and all our documents etc are all in that name and have been since about a month after the wedding
We told everyone after the wedding and received no negative feedback.
Everyone started sending correspondence to Mrs and Mrs Manson, and then when our daughter was born Miss Manson too. Live continued as normal.
My husband has one relative (his aunt) who only ever sends Christmas cards (and we haven’t seen her since the wedding as she lives abroad and is fairly estranged) but she never uses our actual surname - always Mr and Mrs Harrison (his name).
The cards from her are basic (no chat just to X from Y) but lovely, and we appreciate them. Over the years I have sent personalised Christmas cards that say things like “from The Mansons” on the front etc. and have written “from Bob, Mary, and Rosie Manson” in many cards now, but they keep coming addressed to Harrison.
Is it too late to say anything now?! Or should I include a note (we are moving house was was going to send a “new address” card) asking her to use Manson?
E.g “Please note our surname is Manson” or “we aren’t Harrison, we are Manson” or “For future correspondence please use Manson” ?!
Or will I have to be Harrison to her forever now.
I’m not annoyed per se, but it’s not our name, and I don’t understand why she hasn’t taken the hint from cards before? Maybe she does think the name merge is stupid and she doesn’t agree, but is it worth saying anything or shall I let it go mentally?
We are unlikely to see her in person again excepting family weddings or funerals.

Edit - to add my husband has profound disabilities so it will be be communicating anything to her!

Thanks in advance!
from Mrs Manson!!

OP posts:
janiejonstone · 10/08/2025 23:40

Just wanted to say I completely understand how infuriating this is. I have an aunt who I've always been very close to, who for ten years insisted on sending me cards to Mrs Husband's Name. She absolutely knows that it's not my name; not only did I tell her clearly when we got married that I wouldn't be changing my name, but I've made every attempt possible to point it out to her kindly since. I've written it on the return address of every card/parcel I've ever sent her (one year I even had those little address stickers made). Two sets of "we have moved" announcements didn't work either. It's particularly upsetting because we're otherwise very close, and (tradition or not) I can't get my head round consistently and deliberately calling a close relative by the wrong name. Every time I got a card from her it felt like some sort of point was being made that I didn't understand, which is confusing because she's otherwise so lovely!

My husband and I separated last year after he ran off with a younger colleague, and as soon as she heard the news my aunt sent me a card very pointedly addressed to Miss [my surname]. I found this hilarious 😂

ChuppaChupp · 10/08/2025 23:35

This would barely register with me. It wouldn’t bother me at all and I definitely wouldn’t do anything about it.

MasterBeth · 10/08/2025 23:25

Blinderina · 10/08/2025 16:03

This, she knows exactly what she is doing. I would just stop sending cards to her. Fuck her, if she wants to be petty you can be petty too.

Show quote history

Can never understand posts like these on Mumsnet.

You know the OP's relative, do you? Because you seem extremely certain about something you can't possibly be certain of.

everychildmatters · 10/08/2025 23:20

My MIL is in her 80s and always addresses cards correctly since her son and I married 4 years ago e.g. Mr and Ms HisName-MyName (we both added on and I kept my title). Not exactly rocket science is it?!!

TizerorFizz · 10/08/2025 23:07

@MagnahotYou know why snd I know why! She’s not doing what she’s been told to do! She’s disregarding the new marriage protocol of the made up name. She’s possibly even laughing. As most people my age would. So she’s rebelling!! In her small way. But it’s working!!!

Hercisback1 · 10/08/2025 20:07

Oh my goodness, as if you care this much about one card a year. Send her your new address like normal people and don't make a big deal of the name.

Encrochat · 10/08/2025 20:05

You're overthinking

ClaredeBear · 10/08/2025 20:04

Don’t give her the new address. If she somehow finds it and sends you a card, return to sender. Hardly seems like a relationship worth maintaining.

SALaw · 10/08/2025 19:55

It’s not that deep. She fires out a card at Christmas and doesn’t give it much thought. It harms exactly no one.

SwedishEdith · 10/08/2025 19:47

How old are you? I thought Christmas cards were dying out. She probably still sends loads and just uses the same list each year. It's just not an issue I could give any though to - the name on the envelope.

Endofyear · 10/08/2025 19:40

I would let it go - does it really matter? She is someone who is on the periphery of your life.

Magnahot · 10/08/2025 19:25

The lengths of your posts about a woman who sends you one Christmas card a year

and that is the beginning, middle and end of the extent of your relationship

you have given her way way way more thought than she has no doubt given you over the last 13 years op

Original poster
HaagenYAAS · 10/08/2025 19:16

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, and other amusing stories. I think it’s a good idea to just carry on as normal and ignore it now (after all I have left it 13 years!!).
To answer a few Qs - yes she came to the wedding. I really don’t know why she’s estranged - she doesn’t come over to this country very often, and we never had more than address for her. My husband barely knows her and hasn’t seen her much since he was a child. We haven’t seen her since the wedding. I have no phone number or email address for her. She only sends Christmas cards - mine in return always have a little note about what we have been up to, to keep her up to date and include our phone numbers but she doesn’t call/text/include hers.
I don’t dislike her, naturally I care about her as she is part of my husband’s (and therefore now my) family, but hasn’t wanted to keep in touch more and that’s completely fine.
I suppose in the “change of address cards” it could say “The Mansons are moving!” And include the new address? Would it be rude to write “Please check details carefully against your current records to ensure mail redirect works properly for any correspondence”.
Yes she knows it is us as we often send photo Christmas cards so it’s very clear!

OP posts:
JHound · 10/08/2025 17:59

YourAquaLion · 10/08/2025 15:52

I wouldn’t bother, my Gran asks every single time who she should make post or cheques out to because she can’t get the hang of me not taking my husband’s very boring surname (I wanted to blend like yours and he refused!) so I think it’s just an old person thing. They just genuinely don’t get that times have moved on.

She’s 60!! Not that old.

My mom is that age and I view her as far from too elderly to understand.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 10/08/2025 17:50

JHound · 10/08/2025 13:52

She is well aware what your surname is.

This is her way of throwing a tantrum because she disapproves of your choice.

I would respond with an equal level of pettiness and mark “Return to Sender, addressee unknown” on her cards and return them to her.

Brilliant

VintageMarket · 10/08/2025 17:18

Every year for since we moved in five years ago we get a Christmas card from Denmark that is just signed by the sender, nothing else. We've no idea who they are and think they must be sending them to the previous owner or our house. They're always lovely cards with very pretty stamps so I look forward to receiving them and wish I had some way of replying.

If you're out there Lisa - Merry Christmas.

PutThe · 10/08/2025 17:00

dogcatkitten · 10/08/2025 16:12

Does she know the cards she gets are from the Harrisons or is she wondering who the heck the Mansons are, who keep sending her cards, and why the Harrisons never send a card....

One of my Aunt's thought I should call my DD Stephanie, I didn't, but it didn't stop her sending cards to Stephanie and continually calling her that! She lived a long way away so this was only once in a while, not sure if I was mostly amused or mostly irritated.

That's almost beautifully weird.

honeylulu · 10/08/2025 16:56

My guess is that she disapproves of the merged name and considers the only acceptable option is the husband's name becoming the family name. Her persistence is her way of telling you she thinks your choice is nonsense.

My mother is the same. I've retained my birth surname and our kids have both but post from my mum gives us all husband's surname. I no longer say anything because I think acknowledging it lets her know that her "telling off" has hit a nerve.

AffableApple · 10/08/2025 16:55

If she ever sent a parcel, you'd never get it from the post office as you've no id in that name.

If you ever moved, her stuff wouldn't redirect.

Just to bear in mind.

labradormam · 10/08/2025 16:50

She knows what your name is.

She just doesn’t want to use it.

As you hardly see her I would leave her to it. No point in saying anything

LogiLogi · 10/08/2025 16:41

I would let it go or maybe just try one last time. Put a slip into the next card you send with 'change of details' and explain your new surname as it if was new. I wouldn't hold your breath for much change though!

Some people have poor attention to detail like this. It is important to you - it won't be to them.

We've live in our house for 22 years - at least three family members spell the street name wrong (it is a variant). Many years I put a sticker with our contact details in cards. They have been to visit and must've seen the street sign...I had the odd card addressed to my maiden name for about a decade into marriage too - old habits die hard!

I used to get birthday and christmas cards delivered for a neighbour from one of her friends for about four years. Her friend addressed the card as 65 Nippy Way (our house) but friend actually lived at 72 Nippy Way. My neighbour mentioned it to her every single time but it still took four years for it to sink in/change it from where she was copying it from! I miss that they don't arrive now in a way!

PutThe · 10/08/2025 16:24

Unfortunately, doing anything other than Mrs Husbandsname means some people totally lose the run of themselves.

Raisinsandalmonds · 10/08/2025 16:18

Just let it go. We’ve been married over 30 years and I didn’t change my name but we still get Christmas cards addressed to Mr and Mrs His name or where people hyphenate both our names. It’s really not something to get upset about. And my best friend still always misspells one of my dcs names- we just laugh!

dogcatkitten · 10/08/2025 16:12

Does she know the cards she gets are from the Harrisons or is she wondering who the heck the Mansons are, who keep sending her cards, and why the Harrisons never send a card....

One of my Aunt's thought I should call my DD Stephanie, I didn't, but it didn't stop her sending cards to Stephanie and continually calling her that! She lived a long way away so this was only once in a while, not sure if I was mostly amused or mostly irritated.

Toddlerteaplease · 10/08/2025 16:11

She’s probably wondering who on earth the cards from some randoms called the Mansons are.