To not give youngest daughter the same money as her sister

If you treated all your daughters the same, I can’t see why you’re bothered that the grandparents of two of them sending money to them affects you. It’s pretty normal to want to treat your grandchildren! It’s just bad luck that your first dd’s own grandparents apparently haven’t done the same.

But why on earth does this make you not want to give your youngest any money? that seems grossly unfair!

TBF, her husband is just as guilty of this. He never stood up to his wife or for his kids , he couldn’t be bothered to take his kids on his own to see his family (too tired, felt bad leaving the oldest behind) and probably couldn’t be bothered with the arguments. His kids missed out because he allowed it. Both him and OP took the easy way out. They still do (hence the lying on his part).

@Internaut

There was an occasion when we declined wedding invitations for younger kids from DH’s cousin when they could have been flower girls as it seemed unfair to eldest. We didn’t go on Christmas Day as eldest one wouldn’t have been so generously treated.

Two more examples.

At 30+ why is your oldest daughter not self sufficient?
Your youngest two want to better themselves through education - good on them!

Most parents would be happy to find out their child wasn't in debt!

Please can we have the link to the other thread
Thank you

YABU and I think you have been completely vile to your younger children. You have sabotaged their relationship with their family. DH's family did include your eldest child but they never had to treat her like another grandchild. You punished your younger children for your anger about this.

The fact that you are now considering not supporting your 18 yr old whilst continuing to support your 30 yr old grown daughter is shocking. It shows the younger 2 children exactly who is and who always has been favourite. Ask yourself why they didn't tell you they were getting financial support from GP's. They all probably knew you would create another drama, and they were right.

Don't be shocked in ten years when your younger children choose to have minimal contact with you.

What is more important your relationship with your daughters and their happiness or winning whatever battle it is you seem to be fighting with your husbands family

because at the moment it is the latter and not only will that affect your relationship with them it will also with in each

you could very well be the catalyst for a family split that you have spent years trying to make sure was even

Oh God, not you again. I remember you from previous posts. The GPs are just righting the wrong; your family money is being spent on your oldest (adult) child; they're just redressing the balance.

You're going to destroy any remaining relationship between your eldest and her two half-sisters.

Wow yabvu!!!

Admit it you clearly favour your older daughter at the expense of your other 2 daughters. Frankly I'd be going low to no contact with you if I were your younger 2. You reap what you sow so expect this in the future.

You've no one to blame but yourself and can't see what your doing either it seems. You're mil can and has stepped in and you should be happy she's supporting your other daughter but oddly you have a major problem. Odd very odd!! If I was the husband I'd be considering going as well with you behaviour

If your not careful you will lose both your younger dds

Reading OPs previous threads, this is one in a long line of MN posters who have a child from a previous relationship with a dad who doesn't care, then struggles to cope when they marry a new bloke whose family don't all treat their new SD the same. This one is interesting because it's playing out a couple of decades further down the line than the others.

I don't understand why people stay in relationships in this situation, when they're so upset about the attitude to their older child. You can't make the ILs treat your older DC as their own if they don't want to, so it ought to be a question of either accepting it or making it a deal breaker.

On her other threads and even on this one. She wants to punish her youngest (because she suspects she MIGHT get money from grandparents when she goes to uni) and not give her any money at all , because of something her middle daughter did.

Last year she kicked off her 29!!! yo and her kids weren’t invited to a wedding. Not only did she have a go at the groom(after getting his phone number from her husband’s phone.. talk about underhanded) , she was mad the girls wanted to go. OP has form for this. She created this situation.

I have read all of your posts OP and I agree with the poster above, I think they nail it.

You clearly favour your older child and to continue supporting her whilst not supporting your youngest in uni is terrible.

You treat all your kids equally. To do anything else never ends well and ends up in all sorts of resentment and rivalry.

If you are going to treat one sibling differently for a very good reason then it needs to be understood and agreed by the other siblings.

If I were your youngest and you treated me differently, I would feel that you loved me less and minimise contact going forward in order to spare myself the heartache. Your pil have done nothing wrong. Your younger two have done nothing wrong. I don't think your husband is obliged to tell you what his parents do with their money. Especially if you have no relationship with them.

If it were me, I’d support my grandchildren, a step grandchild whilst I would be very fond of, would not fall under my optional responsibility.

In view of this secrecy you were guilt tripped into giving them money you couldn't really afford. Awful underhand behaviour. They wouldn't be getting a penny more from me.

You’re going to punish your youngest for a situation you don’t like concerning her sister?
Thats shocking. You’re basically damning your relationship. Your poor DD.

@SlothsRUs I have never favoured my eldest. I don’t subsidise a lifestyle I buy groceries for her and pay subs for my grandchildren. Of course you have favoured your eldest! you are still supporting her when she should be standing on her own two feet!! whether or not she is a single mother is totally irrelevant!!! the other daughters and the grandparents are most likely aware of this favouritism! eldest is surely mature enough to know not to live beyond her means and to know how to spread her budget to be able to buy the groceries without you helping fill her cupboards!

I think her previous thread shows how the OP has throughout their lives objected to her oldest child not being treated exactly the same as her youngest two by their grandparents. And penalising the younger two as a result as to how she herself treats them. So they seem to not trust her anymore. It's really sad and obviously she won't be able to solve it on her current trajectory.

What is your evidence that OP "clearly" gives her oldest daughter more than her sisters? Her opening post shows that she has tried to treat them all equally, and she only changed her mind about this when she realised that in fact it's not equal as the younger two are getting a big chunk of money she wasn't told about.

Ive read your other threads OP and you are emotionally abusive towards your younger daughters. Kindly, you need therapy before they both go NC

Are you finding any opinions on here helpful @SlothsRUs ? Pretty harsh and judgemental some of them.

Hopefully you can have an open conversation with your dds about the help they're receiving at uni from Grandparents. I can appreciate it was really difficult they treated your eldest differently growing up, but that's past now. The main thing your DH is good with her. Neither of you can control what his parents do.

Your youngest dd may be resentful if she doesn't get the same as older sister?

I can see how difficult it would be to have your eldest sidelined but it's not something you could have controlled.

Why is it so difficult to work out? OP gave more money to her middle child in the belief that she only had a student loan, which is never generous. She intended to do the same for her youngest. It now turns out that actually middle child was being quite generously subsidised by her grandparents and OP was never told. This hasn't meant that she could give support to her oldest, because she didn't know about the subsidies to the others and was therefore trying to find money for them as well - and, in the case of the middle child, she was happily accepting that extra money from her parents.

It really is extraordinary how people on MN will make stuff up and twist facts in order to pile on to an OP.