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Original poster

Stressed about secondary school expenses, ExH being unreasonable?

60 replies

CelluliteRoller · 10/08/2025 13:06

DS moving up to secondary school in Sept.

Had a very 'messy divorce' from exH who was financially and emotionally abusive, pos-separation he painted me as an unfit parent and wanted DC full-time (multiple reports to social services and police) however they ended up living with me and spending time with him. Prior to split he was not involved in DC life at all, he left it all to me whilst he spent most of the time in the pub.

ExH paid no maintenence at all for first 9 months after we split, I had to go through CMS. He pays way less than the calculators on MSE etc. suggested he would; I think he must have maxed out pension contributions and bought bikes etc the salary sacrifice schemes. He also works as a delivery driver and does cash in hand work; these are not included in his maintenence contributions.

As DS is going up to secondary school he has to have a really expensive uniform; it costs around £200. There was also a 'summer school' he attended that was £150. I asked for financial help for the summer school but they said all they could offer was allowing me to pay in childcare vouchers - which stopped in around 2019 I believe!! I had vouchers in my old job but could not get them in my new one. The summer school flyer said that they would offer financial assistance if required but they point-blank refused to offer anything but allowing me to pay with childcare vouchers and threatened to not let DS attend as it was not an essential school trip. Had to borrow money off a relative so he could attend as he's nervous about starting and the summer school was a good way to make new friends etc.

DS will be eligible for FSM next year as I claim UC (as well as working full-time). If you get FSM you can get an £80 voucher to go towards your school uniform however at present he is not eligible as earn over the FSM threshold despite claiming UC.

I asked exH if he would consider giving me some money towards the school uniform as it's expensive and I'd already had to pay for summer school (in desperation as he scares me and uses things like this against me.. I try to keep communication to a minimum).

I got a furious reply from exH beginning with "I pay you maintenence" and ending with "it is highly inappropriate for you to even be ASKING me this". I know he will be enjoying the fact that I am struggling as he is a sadistic bully, even though it's his kids who lose out. I pay for all extracurricular activities and provide the musical instruments, football boots, etc. even though he takes them sometimes. I pay for all the school uniform so far in primary including school bags, lunch boxes etc. Money is generally extremely tight as amongst other things exH is refusing to sell the house (it is going to court) and the mortgage has doubled in the time we split up.

You have to be school dinners as the secondary doesn't allow packed lunches - these are £3.50 a day. Ex refusing to pay for this although DC go to his on Sunday which is a "school night".

Have now found out we are expected to provide a laptop / desktop on top of everything else. I have no idea how I can fund this.

Are there any charities I could apply to for a grant?

And is exH BU for not helping out a bit extra this month due to all the extraordinary costs? Or maybe the school is BU? Or both?!

I am so stressed at the moment; I don't want to be "that parent" but the school are already treating me like a nuisance for asking for financial assistance that isn't childcare vouchers. One of the secretaries i spoke to told me I had been wasting "valuable admin time" by being passed around various departments when I was trying to figure out if I could get a concession for the summer school.

OP posts:
User79853257976 · 11/08/2025 10:02

YANBU but that doesn’t sound like a normal secondary school.

ExtraOnions · 11/08/2025 10:01

Speak to the Pastoral staff at school … though atm they are probably on leave.

Check FB for local groups that collect the old school uniforms. We have one here, a group collects it, then they have a couple of days, where they set it all out in a room and people come and get what they need.

Is it a set amount for a meal ? We just loaded the card up, but DD took her own in at times, depending what she was doing.

I do question why they have such an expensive uniform.. new rules are in place now around the number of “branded items” each uniform can have, to help to keep costs down.

Original poster
CelluliteRoller · 11/08/2025 09:52

He's paying £200 per month for 2 children. It's very frustrating as he does stupid things like losing their belongings when they are with him (including expensive football equipment, or a Smiggle pencil case, basically anything) then point-blank refuses to replace them. Always blames DC for losing stuff or uses a passive voice "the tablet went missing". Never takes responsibility

When it's the holidays they go to him in nice normal clothes and come home in clothes that are several sizes too small and / or very worn and have to be binned.

If he was paying £1000 a month maintenence i absolutely would not have asked him for a contribution! That would be amazing.

But he doesn't pay a lot in contrast to how much the DC cost per month and has kept my monthy expenditure as high as possible by refusing to sell the family home, so I am paying way more than is affordable. He's also refusing to pay for anything at all and always has done. He lost 3 lots of football boots and shin-pads then refused to replace them so I did say he needed to pay for a set himself but he refused then got the football coach to come round to my house and ask me to hand over a fourth lot of kit. It was horrible; he uses people against me constantly to make me look unreasonable.

OP posts:
YetiRosetti · 10/08/2025 14:35

DorothyStorm · 10/08/2025 13:26

Can you explain how that is relevant? He pays less than he should as he is legally squirrelling away money.

Show quote history

I said I didn’t think OP is unreasonable, but if he is paying £100 per month that’s different to if he is paying £1000 per month. I would have more time for a suggestion that school uniform can be paid out of £1000 per month maintenance than £100.

BunniB · 10/08/2025 13:33

Get the school uniform from the school’s second hand shop - surely they told you about it last term? Or ask on local FB market and groups.

I doubt they will need a laptop right away, hold off and save up

hettie · 10/08/2025 13:29

Hold off on Sammy laptop/desktop until a few months in. Our secondary school pushed for this but in reality many kids did not/do not have this at home. This meant lessons and homework couldn't exclude those things. Google classroom etc can all be accessed via a smartphone There is usually a common area in school to access if needed and our local library provides slots too.

DorothyStorm · 10/08/2025 13:26

YetiRosetti · 10/08/2025 13:16

I think YANBU but how much maintenance does he pay?

edit:typo

Edited

Can you explain how that is relevant? He pays less than he should as he is legally squirrelling away money.

DorothyStorm · 10/08/2025 13:24

Your ex is a dick. But the system is a dick.

Some local authorities offer school uniform grants. These are separate from FSM eligibility, and the rules vary — worth checking your council website. Many secondary schools have a hardship or pupil premium budget for things like uniform, trips, and laptops. They sometimes only offer this to FSM pupils, but it’s still worth asking the Head of Year or school business manager, not just office staff. But as you dont qualify for that yet and he doesnt attend yet I dont know if that is an option.

Some schools have second-hand uniform sales or Facebook groups where parents sell/donate items. My kids high school has a facebook page run by a parent, nothing to do doth the school, swapping uniform. No selling allowed. Everything is gifted.

Have you looked to see if there are any local charities that can help?

Turn2us has a grant search tool for local and national charities: https://www.turn2us.org.uk I used this last week for my sister who is in a permanent mess.

Some charities supply refurbished devices. Although Ive no experience of any of these, these are what came up when I googled:

Legally, child maintenance is supposed to cover basic living costs, and any “extras” are voluntary unless you have a court order saying otherwise. Your ex refusing extra help for uniform/laptop/meals is morally unreasonable, but not legally enforceable unless you change the maintenance amount (which is tricky when he’s reducing his assessable income through salary sacrifice and undeclared earnings). If you think he’s hiding income, report it to CMS as “unreported earnings” — they can investigate. Use evidence (photos, social media posts) if you have them. But I wouldnt hold my breath. I also wouldnt hide from anyone I knew or even met in the street that he was refusing to contribute beyond what the law told him he had to. Id embarrass the fuck out of him.

""

Turn2us

Turn2us is a national charity providing practical help to those of us facing financial insecurity.

https://www.turn2us.org.uk

Minnie798 · 10/08/2025 13:18

Yes your ex is being unreasonable if he can afford to contribute towards the school uniform and is choosing not to. But the reality is that if he is paying the cms amount, that is all he is obligated to pay.
Does the secondary school not have a uniform bank? Most do.

YetiRosetti · 10/08/2025 13:16

I think YANBU but how much maintenance does he pay?

edit:typo

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