Your child(ren) should Never be your best friend

My XH used to use this as a way of criticising my parenting. I never once claimed to be DD’s best friend but because I treated her kindly and listened to her pov, he claimed I was weak and letting her down as a parent because I wanted to be her friend. Not at all true.

My DD (20) does say that I am her best friend which makes me uncomfortable, but I never contradict her because she is open and honest with me and she knows I will listen without judgement.

I do agree with most of the sentiment in the idea that you shouldn't be your child's "best friend". Particularly around having robust boundaries, clear authority etc.

But to play devil's advocate: if there's no friendship at all in a parent/child relationship, you get a whole other set of problems.

It's really important that you should be able to confide in your parents when you want to. There are scenarios where you really wouldn't want to seem like some dauntingly unapproachable authority figure.

For example: a teenage daughter getting pregnant. Bullying at school. The breakup of a first relationship. Suidical ideation. Problems with drugs and alcohol. In that situation if you're scared of your parent, find them dauntingly unapproachable, it's likely to push you into seeking support from outside sources.

To give you an example: my mum was very repressed and refused to talk about sex or relationships to me. She was also weirdly permissive and allowed me a lot of freedom but I never felt comfortable talking to her about affairs of the heart or asking for basic advice about biological changes such as periods etc.

When I was 19 I had my heart broken by a boy I was dating and whom I became pregnant by: he made it clear he didn't want to raise the child or have any involvement at all. I had to have an abortion in my first month at university and I had to go through it more or less alone because my mum made it clear she wouldn't discuss any aspect of this relationship as she didn't approve of it. I survived this experience but it made for a pretty miserable first year of university, I came quite close to a full mental breakdown and my studies went off the rails for a few months and I couldn't talk to my mum about it: I never fully trusted her again.

If she had been more of a "friend" to me as a teenager, it would have saved me a lot of pain and anguish at a very vulnerable time.

So I would say be careful with this "parents and children should never be friends" thing. There's an element of truth in it, particularly where it relates to authority and discipline. But if taken too far it just creates a big barrier between parent and child which can stifle communication.

DD is six and I tell her every time she says we’re best friends “I’m not your friend I’m your mummy”. She normally defaults to “Kitty kat is my best friend” and to be fair, while it is a pretty one sided friendship she is a good friend to the cat.

My aunt was very “best friend” like with my cousin and it really fucked her up. She knew about all the marital issues and family drama from a young age and it really messed with our whole family dynamics. By the way, the family drama isn’t crazy stuff it mostly revolves around my aunts one sided beef with my grandad who apparently had a favourite child. Having seen first hand how it can mess up kids I am very against it. Some people think I’m harsh for telling DD we’re not friends but it’s true - also why would I be mates with a 6 year old, she’s useless on the pub quiz team and can’t even drive!

This

I wouldn't say "never". There's nothing wrong with them being your best friends in adulthood. My DC are adults, we all separately have our own friends. But DC will talk to me if they need advice and, while I wouldn't place anything too heavy on them, I get advice from them too. We have a good laugh together. Do stuff together. We know we can rely on each other whereas other people can be flaky or otherwise let you down. It's all perfectly healthy. As I say, we have our own friends/interests. But we share a lot too.

Agreed, but also sometimes said for lack of a better way to articulate the parent child relationship e.g my DD is my 'BF', is more of a buzzword.

'I think a lot of “my child is my best friend” nonsense is adults wanting to take refuge from their problems by only operating at child-like levels'

That's an interesting take, and it makes sense

I also think that friendships with other adults involve a certain level of risk - there's a chance that the other person may let you down, disappoint you, even betray you at some point. Some adults, my mother for example, cant really handle that emotionally, so lean on their children way too heavily to provide them with support and companionship

Totally agree. Agree also with parents damaging their children by treating them as mini-adults - worse is when parents reduce themselves to their children’s level and play “friends” at teenage levels.

A lot of this is about the definition of friendship: I enjoy spending time with my children because they’re interesting and funny. But the same goes for my friends, and a whole lot more. Friendship amongst adults should be deeper than it could ever be with a child.

I think a lot of “my child is my best friend” nonsense is adults wanting to take refuge from their problems by only operating at child-like levels.

Friendship is a relationship of equals,

This is a weirdly Saturday morning cartoon sentiment. Friendship isn't always between equals. I've been a manager who was genuinely good friends with my staff. I work in a different industry now but am friends with people who have professional power over me and vice versa, or who I have mentor/mentee relationships with. I teach a sports class and I'm friends with people who pay for my time.

Equally, I'm friends with my mother and I'm friends with my son. In both cases, we are mother and daughter/mother and son first, especially in the case of my son, as he's still a child. But an element of both relationships is friendship, we like each other, choose each other's company regularly, have interests in common, have a banter and rapport that can only exist in friendship and is often absent in parent-child relationships. My role of mother far super-cedes any friendship, for one, I think of my son in everything I do, in a way that I never would for a friend. I have to pull rank at times, make decisions that are in his best interest rather than to please him, in a way that doesn't exist in friendship. And many aspects of our relationship are one way, as he can burden me with his worries but I can't do the same with him. But he is also, very much a friend.

I agree op.
Your a parent not the best friend.
My other two hates are.
They keep me young.
And look after your parents its like raising a career because you had them so late in life.

It all depends how you interpret the saying.
I have a great relationship with my dcs (teens) and actively enjoy their company. I am still firmly their parent too. I wouldn’t call them my best friends as there’s enough subjects I wouldn’t discuss with them that I do discuss with good adult friends (relationship with dh, other family issues they don’t need to be burdened with etc)

However, I didn’t have a very friendly relationship with my parents growing up and they have always treated me as a child who they had to advice and judge on. I have little contact with them now as I’m finding their constant questioning and criticism very tiring (I am 50 , and am happy with my life choices so far!)
I am very aware I want to move towards a more equal relationship with my dcs as they grow into adults.

My mum is one of my best friends, I tell her everything and love her company... I think its no ones business tbh just focus on yourself and let others do them

Do you not have any adult best mates?

I don’t spend time with my daughter because I have to teach her I actually enjoy her company and want to be around her.

I don't think anyone spends time with their DC just because they have to teach them, do they?

It's perfectly normal to find both of those things very enjoyable.

I think it's a very easy line to blur

We all know women especially who when the children have moved out who really suffer with empty nest syndrome. They don't have any social circles because they've neglected their friendships for an emeshed relationship with their children. They have no hobbies and their entire lives revolve around spending time with their now fledged children who have now moved on.

My daughter is my best mate! Your description of a parent sounds very transactional and probably why so many women on here are have damaged relationships with their parents.

I don’t spend time with my daughter because I have to teach her I actually enjoy her company and want to be around her.

Absolutely. This delusion can mean the parent sharing, imposing, expecting too much of a child before they're able to cope with it.

It may be all tied up with parent's fear of ageing - "oh, we get mistaken for sisters, I can wear my daughter's clothes, she tells me everything ..."

It can be an excuse for parent not building leadership, feedback, assertiveness, conflict management skills.

I think it's parent-centered thinking, not child-centred.

Yes and no.

I certainly agree that a parent relying on a child for emotional support and over-sharing is a disaster. Similarly that a parent over-coddling and helicoptering a child is not good. I think a parent should maintain authority in the relationship and the child should know they are in control.

But, and it's a big but, I do think there is a role for friendship in the parent/child relationship. I'm a single parent to an only child and it has fostered a very close relationship between me and my daughter. I have to be careful that she doesn't become emotionally over-reliant on me. But the upside to this is she is very emotionally open with me: I don't have to worry about her keeping things from me, and she absolutely trusts me to do the best for her. I know, barring some disastrous breakdown in my relationship, she'll always be in my life.

I think it's become fashionable to say that you should never be your child's "best friend" and while there's an element of truth in this I think it's also become a bit of a fig leaf for parents being overly Victorian and authoritarian and just saying no to everything. Like most elements of parenting, it depends on the relationship between the parent and the child, it relies a lot on instinct and self-knowledge and moderation is important.

I have an amazing (I think) relationship with my son, that being said, I always treated him as my son and my job as his parent, was to help him grow up to be a responsible, independent adult that was kind and thoughtful. Children only have ONE/TWO parents, but parents can have lots of friends/children. That's why I think it's important that they know they have parents/parent that unconditionally love them as a parent, not a friend and that relationship is different to others.
...phew that sounded complicated. I always thought very carefully about how much information to share/what to share and the boundries I set. I hope that I helped to make him into the great person he is today 😍

YANBU during childhood but one of the greatest surprises I've had in becoming a parent to adult children is a shift towards a true friendship of equals.

Agree. Red flag.

I agree. It's really important to have boundaries and keep your child safe and secure in the fact that you are a parent, not a friend. I have known parents to be overly permissive to try and gain love and approval from their children, to the point that the child lacks the structure and limits that they truly need. I want my children to be able to come to me with any problem, not to fear me or feel distance from me, but at the same time know and take comfort in the fact that I am not a peer.

My other pet hate is children being told to take care of their mum/dad.

Happened to me and my sister. We were not more than about 11 at the time.

Totally agree - we're parents, not friends!

I call my dd my best friend, as shes 6 and autistic and doesn't have any friends yet

I want her to know how loved she is, and tell her often, along with all of the other positive affirmations. I think she understands me and likes to hear them

That said, I dont treat her as my best friend. I try to keep to a routine and enforce clear boundaries. I am the parent, she is my baby

You are right in some cases, but sometimes I think it’s just something lighthearted that people say to others when they are at that point with their child where they would rather spend time with their kid than their other friends because the kid is so much fun to be around. Sometimes it’s just not that deep OP.