I posted last week. To recap….
I have managed my elderly DMs difficult behaviour for years. It comes in waves over the years and depends upon whether or not I am meeting her needs. As soon as she feels I am not, her behaviour changes.
She is in constant contact with me. I struggle with boundaries. When I do enforce a boundary, she goes nuts!
I pull my guts out trying to help her whilst holding down a demanding job and a family. I listen to all her health problems and negativity because she has no one through her own choice.
She wanted a parcel taking to the post office. I agreed but said it would be next week when the parking was better. Several IMPORTANT messages later and she had changed where I could take it back to somewhere else. All because I said the parking was bad. Then she sent confusing messages saying she can take it back. This went on and on and in the end I just asked what she wanted me to do. This was all happening on my birthday when she knew I was going out. I said it was getting f**ing ridiculous. I had just had enough of it all!
Bad move I guess! She demanded an apology, said I was making a drama out of it, said I had no respect for her and that she would never ask me to do anything for her again. She then gave me the silent treatment for 2 weeks.
I have been away with my DH and DD and I have tried not to let it spoil our break but it’s been hard. I am so tired of her behaviour and very low and emotional.
My DD is 14 soon. I finally got a message from DM today letting me know that she is giving her money for her birthday.
She went in to say she has texted my DD asking if she is going away as she knew we were thinking about it. She hates giving money as it’s like you can’t be bothered but she doesn’t want to get her anything if she won’t be around. She stated that “just because we are not amicable doesn’t mean it needs to be inflicted on my DD. I missed hearing about her recent trip with school”
For context, DM was invited to my home when my DD came back from the trip so she could share pics etc. This was just after the parcel debacle and I decided it may be best if we go to her as I knew she was unhappy with me. I suggested this and that’s when she kicked off and went silent.
I just don’t know what to do for the best. I don’t want NC at the moment as this would be a massive step that I must feel 100% comfortable with. She is 85 and it’s difficult for me. I feel so confused but know what I feel about our relationship isn’t right. I don’t know whether it’s me thats the issue or her. My DH tells me it’s her.
I am trying not to reply but that doesn’t feel right either. I just don’t know how to handle it. I have been handling it wrong for years because I allow her in, to take over, I give her everything she wants. I can’t stop myself.
I am now seriously considering some counselling if I can afford it. I have realised that all the times I have felt off, aching everywhere, migraines, restless, confused, agitated, it’s in part, due to her behaviour and my fear of repercussions. I am even seeing a physio who told me my pain was stress related.
Thanks for reading x