Parent invited herself while we were away.

Maybe the mum felt uneasy about her daughter being there.
If she doesn't know the nanny well.

She might suffer from anxiety and need reassurance that her daughter is okay.

I agree that the mum should supervise her own toddler though.

No. Her other half works from home and wants peace and quiet. Although, I'm not buying it as we are talking about late afternoon on a Saturday.

I think the mum is embarrassed about inviting a child from a much wealthier background back to her more modest home. I think she and the nanny have become friends and are enjoying each other's company.

The meal ordering is a complete pisstake thiugh.

@MyLuckyTiger I feel that you should make more of an effort to get to know your daughter's friends and be on good speaking terms with their parents. You don't have to make friends with them, but be less cold and distant, which is the impression you give here. Maybe you should spend more time with your DD instead of getting paid help to look after her all the time.

I would assume two 9 year olds on a play date are - broadly speaking - entertaining each other.

The woman went to pump in a guest bedroom. Ok - that’s a bit odd (for her to bring pumping stuff rather than do it at home) - but a guest bedroom is, IMO, a bit different to a family bedroom. And - speculating here - may well be the room used by the nanny if she ever stays overnight to babysit.

You may pay your nanny well but you are putting her in a difficult position. You are basically expecting her to do your job, which is to set rules and boundaries and stick to them. You can't say the mum keeps doing this, but take absolutely no action to stop or address the issue. It's laziness on your part. Speak to the mum and tell her that she needs to drop her daughter off and return to collect her as arranged. Or better still, save playdates for when you or another adult are at home. Your nanny shouldn't have to host another adult or care for additional children or make decisions about who is allowed in your home. That is your job. Stop worrying about what parents might think of you, or that they might call you mean - its about setting boundaries and basically running your own household.

The woman is not nanny’s friend. The kids are friends. Nanny and woman may have become friendly though over time. It sounds as though op is giving responsibility over to the nanny. Paying her £700 does not exonerate op from taking responsibility for the running of her household and setting the parameters for guest in her home. The nanny may be as unable to assert herself as op but op has the absolute duty to do so.

Also you’re having a problem with another child eating with your dc and the baby in a picnic situation in a park is just really weird and controlling.

Nanny let this woman walk around in the house and use one of the bedrooms for 40 min,

Are you for real? OP’s English is perfect and she has clearly said the nanny was mostly entertaining the toddler.

One time the CF mum even went to a bedroom for 40 minutes, leaving the nanny alone with all 3 kids.

Eh? It is absolutely not the nanny’s fault. You’re looking to blame her because you don’t have guts to talk to the cf mother about it?

Stop bitching about your nanny and tell the mother she’s not to come over before pick up time if it bothers you so much.

The mother was there. That’s not ‘looking after’ unless the mother’s in a different room doing something else. Maybe she enjoyed playing with her while the older DC played together. Who knows. English clearly isn’t the OPs first language so it’s not very clear what she means.

This.

Don't have play dates when youre not home. Problem solved.

Apologies I missed the bit about the steak ! It was just a suggestion though !

Is that also why she’s ordering steak with OP’s money when OP isn’t there?

Is the mum a single parent ? If so I imagine if the mum waited at home until 9pm the toddler would be asleep and she’d have to wake him to go get her DD from yours. Getting to yours for 7pm will keep the toddler awake whilst her DD and your DD finish their play date at 9pm ! I wouldn’t want to be dragging a sleepy toddler out at 9pm.

I agree

I think it s ok for you to not be comfortable with this woman coming to your house to hang out for almost 2 hours. I would be the same. It s an invasion of privacy and a breech of trust.

your home your boundaries. I would feel weird if someone was coming using my home like this without my knowledge.

if it was all
above board and not underhand then why has the mum or the nanny not already mentioned it. They too must know that it is not ok, and if your nanny has worked for you for a while and knows your standards then she probably has an inkling that you might not be ok with this, yet she has not said it.

if mum and nanny have developed a friendship then that friendship should be outside your nanny’s working hours your nanny s role is to supervise and support your child. If she is entertaining her own guest she cannot be focused on your child.
bringing the toddler over is also not ok really, if there were an accident - toddler breaks something or injures themselves in yoir home and you didn’t even know they were there …….

it s not about being kind or the woman lonely really it s her job to find her friends - that s really not your job to fix. It s your home you are allowed to not want someone coming into your home and using it on a regular basis with oe without your knowledge. It would be a deal
breaker for me and I would not be keen on my child having such a friendship.

i Would be having serious conversations with your nanny about trust- and currently you are trusting her with your child,
Who else does she let into the house and not tell you about ?

and the bottom line if the nanny knew you would be ok with it she would probably have mentioned it up prior to this.

I would phone or text the other mum and politely ask her to only come at pick up time and not before it. Offer to end the play date 1.5 hours earlier as you have become aware that possibly she needs to be with her child from 7.30 not from 9pm. Also mention that she is welcome to visit your home with you are home but you prefer her not to visit during play dates if you are not home. Mention that you are uncomfortable with it.

the school gate gossip is probably already rife with the fact that you regularly are out and about, what your home is like etc……

it s also
highly likely that if you were to mention to some of the other parents that she was coming over every weekend and using your home for 2 hours while
you were away and you didn’t quite know how to address it with her without offending her ….

Did you read the OP? The nanny is specifically looking after the CF mum’s toddler.

I completely disagree. The nanny isn’t looking after 3 kids if the mother is there. And sometimes it’s easier if kids have others to play with.
you wil just sound like a controlling nutcase if you say this.
the nanny is happy with the situation.

Perhaps the nanny and the other Mum have struck up a friendship and enjoy each other’s company.
i know when my DC were little I made friends with DS’s friend’s nanny and we sometimes hung out at her employer’s house. The employers were a lawyer & a doctor & were never there.
And when I employed a nanny it was normal for other Nannie’s to come to our house with their charges to play. I thought it was common practice & good for everyone.
And if it had been another Mum instead of a nanny I wouldn’t have minded.

In some cultures yes. Some have their playgroups in the evening too.

I don't understand the bit in this post about other DC in the park / pool.

It's good for your DD to meet and play with other DC it's great if your nanny supports her development in being sociable.

"Making my daughter her only priority" sounds a lot like effectively isolating her from other DC.

Your nanny sounds great. Please don't put weird restrictions on her and your DD.

Yes you are paying her to look after your DD, but that includes supporting her development in play with other DC. She is gaining from other DC being there, not losing out.

(Not talking about the other mother visiting, talking about your one off examples from being out and about).

This is the best response. It is unreasonable to expect the nanny to deal with this situation.

If the mother's place is small, I imagine it's a case of getting out of the house for a few hours. More so with a toddler and the Father working from home. I don't suppose writing a play is 9-5.

I had twin toddlers in a tiny 11th floor flat and rain, shine and snow I went to every playgroup, park, playground, rhyme time and toy library session just to get them out and about. I can see her turning up at your place for a relaxed/free chill out time. She clearly got away with the first one as the Nanny didn't mention it but it's bloody cheeky she has continued. I agree with the others though, it's awkward for the Nanny. I would definitely something to the mum though. Don't worry about her pulling the plug on the girl's playdates, she needs you more you need her.

I think if you haven't been clear with your Nanny about what you expect, then how is she to know? You sound comfortably off financially, you appear to leave the decision making about your daughters playtimes to her, either your husband isn't much involved in day to day childcare or doesn't mind so she might have thought it was all fine. I think the nanny has been caught in the middle. CF mother has done what CF's do, and are very good at, and behaved as though it was fine to use the facilities as if they were her own. Its not your fault but its not the nanny's fault either. It IS yours to fix.

It is possible that the mum gave the nanny some cash for the steak and the nanny used that cash on another occasion with the DD.