Parent invited herself while we were away.

Maybe you (OP) need to get your self involved in your kids social life a bit more? Then you would know what’s happening. Evening play dates on a weekend? Don’t you spend quality family time then ( or at least part of the weekend) ?

When you are working as a nanny, the power dynamics are quite complex. it is not easy to challenge another person's behaviour when the link to them is actually through your employer.

and yep, as others said, if you are spending several hundrerd pounds on childcare each week, you can afford a steak so while I do agree it's a bit cheeky - I'm sure the nanny thought that you wouldn't mind if it meant the kids were all enjoying themselves.

I would try to see it as positive that the playdate goes well

I think sometimes in life we can get hooked up in our mind about what we think is 'right' and it overrides the practicality of what actually works well.

Op. re CHAT GPT - please remember it has a massive positivity bias towards whoever is posting.

Have you asked it to give you completely the opposite point of view?

It will be able to do that just as well.

It sounds like your nanny is enjoying the company.

Howerver well she is paid, I'm sure some nannies like to chat while doing childcare just as us mums do. Some nannies/parents are also happier with a 'more the merrier' situation - ie. more kids/ more people.

I think I would have a think about whether you are really going to risk losingyour nanny over a very small issue that your nanny is enjoying ?

In the end one takeaway, entertaining extra kids in the park etc, does it matter if this nanny is really great with your own child?

also, if your daughter is an only child perhaps your nanny sees it as positive if when at the park others play with them? I mean - as a parent it would be totally normal to end up with other kids joining in - and if your nanny does this for a job she probably has more patience than other parents!

You go out every weekend and leave your kid with the nanny until 10.30pm? If you pay your nanny this much I can understand why she thought you wouldn’t mind about a steak. I’m sure she sees it has her responsibility to fit in a be flexible / accommodating with whatever you arrange with your rich friends.

YY to this - the playdate is starting at 5.30/6pm and the mum has a younger child - I would have thought she'd prefer it to be done and dusted by 7,30pm at the latest!

This mum is a CF, she invited her child round for these sleep overs/play dates and organised it all. She clearly just wanted to be able to nosy into @MyLuckyTiger 's lovely big house. I'd be wary of her. I'd absolutely stay home next time there is one of these play dates, give the nanny the night off, then when CF turns up, answer the door, and say "oh collecting Olivia already? I wasn't expecting you until 9pm!" Then call Olivia, tell her her Mum's here to collect, all whilst holding the front door so CF is still stood on the doorstep.

Long term, I'd reduce the frequency of the play dates, and ALWAYS be home for them, always following the keeping the mum on the doorstep whilst you call for Olivia to go now.

I would have a chat with the nanny, just to casually mention you've found out CF has been coming over just after you leave with her toddler and staying at your house etc., joining them on trips out, and you're uncomfortable with this as it was never agreed with the other mum for her to be in your home, and for you to pay for her food etc. Please do not blame the nanny for this, but just say that you don't want the CF mum to do this again, so ask her not to let this happen again. I'd actually apologise to the nanny for being in this position, tell her I'm sorry you've been put in this position, I'd had no idea that this was happening.

I wonder how much the children are controlling these late pick ups? The mother arrives at 7pm (reasonable time) to pick up and the girls are reluctant to end the play date, so push to stay longer etc. The nanny probably doesn’t care either way, plus it’s possibly easier as the older kids are entertaining each other etc. She is probably good with kids and so spent time playing with the toddler as the older ones were occupied.

Feels to me like everyone is uncomfortable in the situation, the mother probably just wants to pick up her daughter, go home and get the toddler into bed. The nanny doesn’t want to upset the child she’s looking after and you feel you’re being taken advantage of…

The steak purchase aside - would you have been happy if it was another nanny coming over rather than the mum?

FWIW - you seem rather happy to rage at your nanny, but terrified to upset your public image by berating the other mum. Sounds like you want your nanny to do the difficult conversation so you can then say, "oh goodness I certainly would not have said that" when all the mums found out.

Your poor nanny. Bet it's not in her JD to do this. She has been put in an awful situation by the other mum and you.

Extremely crass to post her wages/hours to try and justify your expectations that she has a shitty chat with another mum because you don't want to. Bteach of trust - this is very identifiable. I suspect she's scared of you based on the language you have used about her.

You sound like a family I worked for -- uber rich, watching every penny, entitled behaviour (after all you do pay your nanny a lot as you say...) and never there for their kids other than necessary public appearances with them.

Your nanny sounds like a good catch who was put in a difficult situation. You as her employer... not so much - I'd throw you back.

It sounds to me like she initially suggested having the playdates at yours...and then she rocks up and has a nice old time at your place on you.
This is CF territory for me.
I personally would be grateful that you are facilitating the playdates for my child and mortified to further take advantage of you if it were me. Not kicking back at your place while you aren't even there!

Know this is off topic, but my mind is slightly blown by people ordering steak as take out.

The OP doesn't seem to care about the fact that she doesn't get involved with her own childs social life, and leaves her with a nanny all weekend, its more that she doesn't want to pay for other childrens childcare. Its obviously normal in certain circles to just outsource any inconvenient or boring parts of being a parent to a nanny, and god forbid a poor person with a small home might take advantage 🙄

The pumping was 6 months ago so presumably the younger child wasn’t with the mum that day and maybe wasn’t a toddler then either.

You ARE mean and greedy. As well as incredibly spoilt.
Why are rich people so tight-fisted? You have a nanny, FFS. You have a level of privilege most of us could never dream of and are whining on the internet because someone spent a couple of hours at your house without your "permission"?

So you spend pretty much all weekend 'out' and away from your child? I think the mum does sound a bit cheeky but you can't really blame her tbh. She's probably made friends with the nanny and is spending time at your, presumably very nice, house because you have given the impression that you aren't really very present and dont know or care what goes on.

I'm also an introvert, but when my child was younger I would still be present for weekend play dates with other mums, even when they went on until evening, because thats just what you do. Honestly its strange that you dont know the woman who spends this much time with your child/in your house. I dont think the solution is to spy on your nanny with cameras but maybe just be there and get to know your daughters friends and parents?

I’m struggling to get my head round the timings and dynamics but I think it’s a case of this woman enjoying the Nanny’s company, coming round to yours for some chit-chat, a cuppa tea (the odd fillet steak!) and the toddler is entertained. Sounds like you have a nice set-up and she’s milking it. Play dates from 7pm-9pm are the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard though.

On a weekend, I want all kids (except for my own) to be evicted from my property by about 5pm.

Why did she only mention it now? Or how did you find out?

I think a lot of posters are struggling to grasp the dynamics because it all seems a bit alien. I have a 9 year old DD and none of this relates to me AT ALL. Play dates that finish at 9pm?? What? That’s when I’m finally sitting down. My 9 year old is in bed by then. Nannies entertaining people in my house when I’m not there and paying for steak for other Mums…eh???

I was thinking this. I have a 9 year old, and after school playdates are 4-7ish, weekend/school holiday ones might start a bit earlier but would still finish at 7ish unless it's her birthday sleepover.

I'm also thinking when does this 9 year old get a break amd spend good chunks of quality time with her parents. if she is doing clubs all day until early evening on weekend days. And school all week, which I suspect is a private school finishing later than usual schools.

Yes, this, and also I hear that indoor Blink cameras are really good.
It's totally not normal, it's clear that the woman waits for you to leave and then comes over. I wouldn't tell nanny and come back much earlier next time

I thought so too.

Does the woman need a place of safety and just grabs it where she can?

Is the mother pumping milk for the toddler? That seems weird if the toddler is with her. Do mothers pump for toddlers? Or is there a baby in the reckoning too?

It's very bad manners, OP, and it's not normal for London or the UK. It seems a very odd thing to do, and it puts the nanny in the difficult situation of having to 'manage' the situation and deal with the extra stress of looking after a small child. To me it would indicate that the mother doesn't respect your boundaries or the nanny and I would definitely want to say something to make the rules clear.
Possibly something along the lines of 'Our nanny has told us that you spent the evening at our home and that she was required to look after you and little Felix while also supervising Sophie and Olivia. She's pointed out that this is outside her contractual duties and I agree with her that it mustn't happen again. Please let us know in advance if you wish to change arrangements.' That's a very formal way of putting it: you will find your own words.

I would also support the nanny by giving clear instructions on what to do if this woman tries to do this again. Good luck.