Parent invited herself while we were away.

OP, constant playdates would be wearing.
We did one a week, maybe two, but that was it.

I think your Nanny has breached your trust by allowing this, paying for food for this woman on you.

The woman is a cheeky fxxker.
Time to pull back and say absolutely nothing to her.
Just no more playdates.
This woman having free run of your home while you are out is extraordinary.
I really cannot imagine any decent childcare wouldn't know this.
It's really basic.
I would be looking for someone else and I would be making things very clear to the next person.

No point in saying anything to the chancer, just no more playdates.

I find having people around (whatever their age) tiring. I’m not alone in this. And 9 year olds do require facilitating. It’s great that this is nothing to you, but we’re not all the same.

It’s highly unlikely that OP is out all day, morning till night, Saturday and Sunday, every blessed weekend. To me (OP, please clarify if I’m mistaken), it sounds like she has a weekly afternoon/evening out. I think that’s fine.

just send her a message like this. I’d feel weird having a stranger in my house, especially going into bedrooms if I wasn’t there.

Hey friends mum, I don’t feel comfortable having adult guests at the house when I’m not home. If you’d like to hang out and have coffee while the girls are playing then maybe another time would suit better.

9 year olds don't need much 'facilitating' on a playdate. My daughter has up to 5 friends round at a time after school, the extent of my involvement is giving them some food and drinks.
It's a bit different if they are 5 and under and need looking after, yes that can be a bit tiring. But 9 year olds are pretty easy.

Yes, absolutely a bit of kid free time is essential, a night out with the girls, the occasional weekend away. But all weekend every weekend? Nope

But how much time do you actually spend with her. She is at school during the week, probably some clubs or playdates after school, and then with the nanny all weekend.

Yo, Betty, you can't stay in my house when husband and I are out. You also can't order delivery on my card.

If you don't want playdates without you being there the whole time, we'll reschedule a time when husband or I are present.

You're going to have to clarify with your nanny that she can't allow other parents in to stay and wander around your home at will while you're not there and your food delivery is for your kids and she only. This is basic safety.

She said spending time with her daughter and her friends sucks. I think that’s fair enough. Spending large amounts of time around kids who aren’t your own is draining for a lot of people.

If she’s got an extroverted daughter and facilitates socialising all week, having a bit of downtime (while her daughter has a great time on a play date) seems like a great idea. If I didn’t get regular kid-free time, I’d lose my mind.

@MyLuckyTiger you said it sucks having time with your DD, I was quoting you

Here's hoping this isn't real

Wow. 😬

It sucks having time with your DD @MyLuckyTiger

Stingy. Petty.

@MyLuckyTiger I think you either stop these playdates entirely for a while, or you need to be there and make it clear pick up is required ‘because we are going out now’ or something (hence 7pm latest), or can you drop child back perhaps? I agree the delay in finding out the full story has put you in a difficult position re any kind of conversation.

Now THAT is believable… 😂

OP is in London. You can order a £680 steak from Salt Bae on Deliveroo. Fries will set you back £17. If you are on a tighter budget, you could opt for Wagyu steak in a sake and black truffle honey sauce from Michelin starred Hakkasan for just £95.

Why did you bother to have a child?

Why are you not using the weekends to spend time with your daughter and her friends?

If the nanny said “we are getting takeaway, would you like some” then it may have been unthinking to go along with it. Presumably op knows the nanny gets food for her and the girls on the play dates

Again, it’s on OP to decide what she’s ok with and let nanny and other mum know.

ETA and since the DH is ok with all this, it may well be the nanny has a reasonable assumption that her employers are ok with it as an occasional thing.

But even with this, she should be paying for her own food. It's the taking free food that I find incredibly cheeky.

Absolutely this. Regardless of whether the nanny is happy to entertain the toddler it is extremely weird for a stranger to stay in your house in your absence for hours. Sounds like this woman doesn't understand normal boundaries. You will have to eithet tell her that she is welcome to pick up child at the door or stop the playdates. Alternatively nanny could be instructed that when she comes she teels her to wait at the door and bring the child saying she cannot let people in when adults are not at home. I would not be comfortable having strangers in my home when I am out, you are totally right to dislike this.

@samthepigeon really agree with this. The nanny may not feel she can say no to a confident older woman - and also, perhaps feels it's helping the atmosphere etc for the children and wants to be able to roll with it.