Parent invited herself while we were away.

I think the nanny is at fault here to a fair degree. She has started something that has escalated and then not nipped it.

I have done professional house and pet sitting and wouldn't allow anyone in the home, not even relatives of the owner unless with a password.

I think there is an expectation that you respect the householder if you are in charge of someone's house in their absence and anything outside the norm should be called in.

Have you come to a conclusion about what your next steps will be myluckytiger?

The weekends are a lot if their DD is at school and clubs all week. Pretty sure OP said nanny there in the week some days, too.

Haha I love this characterisation of British culture I think a lot of foreigners would agree with you

I think OP said the nanny only comes in at the weekends.

Why do you chose to be around such people? Which culture are you talking about? Because it is a choice to be around passive aggressive people and you don't need to be nice to everyone. Polite yes, nice no. Some if my daughters friends parents are lovely and we are good friends, socialising both with and without the girls. Some are less so, but I maintain a polite relationship to facilitate playdates etc. Certain areas of central London can feel more pressured, but if it doesn't suit you all, then moving is an option.

£90 for her takeout in your home?
Unbelievable.
Completely unacceptable.

Parenting is amazing, you say.
How much do you actually do??

Parenthood is not for you. Why did you do it? Hope this doesn’t sound too rude.

I mean - presumably the nanny is aware that you have cameras in the house! So I don’t think she’s trying to be secret squirrel on this.

Anyway, you need to start from where you are. What are you happy with going forwards? It’s perfectly reasonable to put parameters on when the nanny has mum/nanny friends over during her working hours, where they go in the house etc. But YOU have to do it, as the mum and the nanny don’t have any reason to change the current arrangements.

I don’t think it’s that weird or secretive the other mum hasn’t sent you a picture of the girls together and shared it with you - presumably the nanny could take one of them?

However - I do feel at this stage that the nanny and mum have struck up a friendship - so would you have an issue if a fellow nanny was bringing DD’s friend over and the nannies were chatting? Cos if that would be ok, then I don’t think this is so different (other than reminding your nanny that the credit card isn’t for food for her friends and that upstairs is off limits to her guests, or whatever rules you need)

90 pounds for her dinner. Yikes! That is a lot. I agree with you -it's cheeky! It's true that the mother could steal things but so could the daughter -anytime you have people in your home you run that risk. The mother coming over -ask the nanny if she is okay with it. Does she feel the mother is imposing on her. If she is okay with it then I agree with your husband and would let her come over.

She did steal something - £90.

£90 for ONE meal??

Plenty of people text to say that they are parking up, or your nanny may have seen her approaching on the camera. What are you suspecting re your nanny getting the door before the bell?

You need to sort it out with the mother, not leave the nanny in a difficult situation. Take control and tell the mother which child is being invited over and that the nanny is not expecting any other child..

I'm super introverted so its not that i find it easy, but I just don't need to do much when my daughters friends are round, they are all lovely, very respectful of each other and our home and I don't need to constantly monitor them. Their mums say the same, they all get on so well that often it's actually easier to have them round than not as they all entertain each other.

And that’s lovely for you all. Genuinely. However, it’s not a universal experience. I can assure you that not all 9 year olds or groups of 9 year olds are similarly tractable.

She said she pays the Nanny 700 per weekend, to be there from lunchtime til late both days, occasionally only 1 day, but it's not a couple hours, sounds like up to 20 hours each weekend.

She said the nanny works for a total of 18-22 hours over three days. Also, she’s a nanny, not a babysitter, so that doesn’t indicate that the OP is out that entire time. When we had one, our nanny was often here at the same time as one of us.

Can you stay at home for the next play date, and when the Mum brings the child along just welcome her politely and say something like 'thank you for bringing Susie (or whatever her name it) see you at 9.30. Bye', while you hold the door for her to leave?
Don't invite her into your house, speak to her on the doorstep. Keep on saying 'goodbye,' and 'thank you'.????

The mother could simply be dropping by early because she likes visiting with the nanny and the nanny may also enjoy her company. If you "lay down the law" with the nanny it may come off as criticism and she might decide to look for another job with a family that respects her decisions. OP does your husband think you are being a bit controlling about this? And as for the steak, oh well. Compared to what you pay your nanny (you are a generous person that values your nanny) it is not much. And absolutely you should go out on the weekends with friends and have some fun.

Being friendly is how you become friends. And friends is a very broad category.

But it's pretty irrelevant. I agree that OP is the boss and should be making it clear what she expects, setting whatever boundaries she considers important and supporting the nanny in enforcing them.

I don't mean to be rude but are you visiting the UK from another country, some of the expressions you use make me wonder, that's why I ask. As an example you write 'Mom' where we would say 'Mum' - and is the visiting friend's Mum perhaps from a culture where its normal to visit other people's homes when they're out?
Your poor nanny doesn't have the authority she needs to ask your visitor to leave so I think its up to you to have a conversation with said visitor and make it clear that she is not welcome. Is the nanny from another culture perhaps?
As for the steak - what was the nanny supposed to do if she was told by the visiting Mum to order it - refuse?

I'm super introverted so its not that i find it easy, but I just don't need to do much when my daughters friends are round, they are all lovely, very respectful of each other and our home and I don't need to constantly monitor them. Their mums say the same, they all get on so well that often it's actually easier to have them round than not as they all entertain each other.

She said she pays the Nanny 700 per weekend, to be there from lunchtime til late both days, occasionally only 1 day, but it's not a couple hours, sounds like up to 20 hours each weekend.