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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would this bother you? Not sure how I’m feeling.

59 replies

memyself111 · 08/08/2025 21:57

I’ve been with my partner for one year.

I have been under a neurologist for 3 1/2 years. I had an appointment a few weeks ago for some tests and I need to go back for an MRI to have another check of my brain.

My partner lives 90 minutes away and didn’t come with me, which was fine. I didn’t ask.

When I had the appointment the other week my partner said she’d really like to come next time because she felt so odd not being at that appointment because she wanted to support me.

I received a letter to say I had an appointment booked, which was meant to be two weeks ago. But we had plans to spend the weekend with her family who live three hours away from me.

I told her I would rearrange the appointment and she said that was fine. I told the hospital I needed to rearrange and they sent me a new appointment out which is tomorrow. I received the letter just under two weeks ago to say that the appointment is tomorrow.

My partner has gone to see her family for an important birthday this weekend which has been planned for a while so has said she can’t come. I told her I can’t rearrange it again because I’ve been waiting for this appointment for a really really long time so she says she understands I will go without her and she is with her family

I’ve had messages from people tonight saying they hope it goes well tomorrow and asking if my partner is going with me. This feels a little strange now. I will go on my own because I’m not used to relying on anybody at all. I don’t want to sound like a victim saying that, but I very much depend on myself. It does however feel a little strange that she isn’t coming. I know that she has to go to the birthday event so I’m not angry about that. The birthday is on Sunday and my appointment is first thing in the morning so I did think she might come with me to the appointment and then go straight to her family‘s house, but That wasn’t in her plan as she wanted to go there today.

I don’t really know what I want from messaging this on here to be honest

OP posts:
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Original poster
memyself111 · 24/08/2025 21:53

@moveoverG

my appointment went well, thank you. I still don’t have the results because they said it will take a bit of time for the results to come back to me.
I did speak to her to say it bothered me that she’d forgotten the appointment entirely and she apologised. I also said to her that it was confusing for me that she said she really wanted to be there, but obviously it had been rearranged and then she had also forgotten in addition to that. She said she isn’t usually forgetful, but she had forgotten this time

OP posts:
moveoverG · 11/08/2025 23:22

How did your appointment go @memyself111?

I think you need to move on.
A year in is a long time with someone- living together or not. She clearly puts other things before you and you deserve better.

Original poster
memyself111 · 09/08/2025 13:13

Cinaferna · 09/08/2025 13:06

I'm not sure that is tit for tat, It's you recognising that you are the kind of person to go the extra mile for your partner and they are not reciprocating this for you, even when it is your health that matters. You might want to consider what she does instead. DH was useless early in our marriage when I was undergoing medical issues. But showed love and support in lots of other ways. Some people have a real fear of hospitals. How does your partner show love? How do they make extra effort on your behalf? If they don't ever, in any way, that's more of a problem than if they just aren't great at this.

Show quote history

She’ll do things like bake cakes or bring flowers. Which is lovely.
she can be very validating in the moment if I say something is bothering me and I feel like she has the right words in the moment to validate how I am feeling. But it’s just an action after that that seems a little different

OP posts:
Cinaferna · 09/08/2025 13:06

memyself111 · 08/08/2025 22:44

@PamIsAVolleyballChamp
I understand what you are saying. But there is a part of me that feels a little frustrated because recently I travelled four hours to her family’s house and then four hours back and then travelled a further two hours to her house in order to attend an event that she wanted me to go to That was important for her.

It’s not that I’m playing tit for tat but it only dawned on me tonight that it does bother me a little.

I'm not sure that is tit for tat, It's you recognising that you are the kind of person to go the extra mile for your partner and they are not reciprocating this for you, even when it is your health that matters. You might want to consider what she does instead. DH was useless early in our marriage when I was undergoing medical issues. But showed love and support in lots of other ways. Some people have a real fear of hospitals. How does your partner show love? How do they make extra effort on your behalf? If they don't ever, in any way, that's more of a problem than if they just aren't great at this.

Ponoka7 · 09/08/2025 13:03

I think that you are compromising yourself too much. I was doing the same with my DP. We've had to have honest conversations. One was him to not make promises that he doesn't keep. Another was that we aren't joined at the hip. But we are nearly 60.
You need to decide what you want from a relationship, go through the pros and cons of this one and decide if it's worth it. Has her family meet-ups been a big feature in your relationship?

yeesh · 09/08/2025 12:51

Changing the original scan for a bbq was madness, your partner doesn’t care about you if they would let you do that.

Original poster
memyself111 · 09/08/2025 12:44

I messaged her to let her know that I was at the hospital about to go in. She replied saying hope it goes okay.

She’s now messaged me asking me if I’m upset with her. I told her that I do feel slightly bothered.
She has said that she had completely forgot about the appointment and she has apologised That she hadn’t remembered it was today. I think she’s mentioned that because it was blatantly obvious that she had completely forgotten

OP posts:
Original poster
memyself111 · 09/08/2025 11:44

@Givenupshopping we’ve only been seeing each other a year and I don’t feel ready to live with someone else yet.
i’m divorced, and I’ve just got my own house so I don’t want to live with anyone at the moment. So it’s just me and DC living together

OP posts:
Givenupshopping · 09/08/2025 11:21

It seems from your last post OP that the person you are calling your 'partner' doesn't really give a shit about you, as if she did, she would put you before a family party.

Can I ask please, why you don't live together?

Original poster
memyself111 · 09/08/2025 11:16

Sunnysidegold · 09/08/2025 10:59

I think you have accidentally made out that your appointment is less important by changing it so she could attend.

I'm trying to imagine how the conversation would have went.

Oh I had my MRI and they're going to send out another appointment.

I wish I could have been there, I'll come to the next one.

Meanwhile you get the appointment for a date when you already have plans and then switch it. It kind of shows that her attending was more important to you than her as you switched it and she won't switch her plans.

I think what she really meant was "I'd love to come to the next one, so long as I have no other plans".

I think with something like a medical appointment you just go when you get it and not faff about changing appointments and putting things off to accommodate her. It seemed you were fine to go by yourself anyway and just changed it to make her feel more included.

I think you need to be very clear with your expectations are.

How it went was I had an MRI that I went to. The appointment was one I’ve been waiting for a long time. I went to it and had it. I didn’t ask her to come and she didn’t ask to come.

afterwards, she said to me “it didn’t feel good for me that I wasn’t there to support you so please can I come to the next one because I would like to be there with you”.

so then a couple of weeks later an appointment came through. I told her. The bbq had been planned for ages etc. I said I can rearrange it and she said fine.

so then I got a letter saying it was 2 weeks later. So I told her and she said she has plans with family for the birthday which she actually wanted me to attend. I said I couldn’t attend and that I would be going to the appointment instead as I don’t want to rearrange or postpone it again. So she just said she wouldn’t be able to come as she’ll be with her family.
the birthday event is tomorrow and she wanted to get there early for it and have the full weekend there at her parents.

OP posts:
Spoonie1996 · 09/08/2025 11:13

YANBU. My partner lives 45 minutes away, an hour in traffic. I have medical issues and she is there for every single appointment without me even having to ask. She has even come back after a night shift, slept for a couple of hours and then driven me to them. If she really wanted to, then she would 🤷‍♀️

RandomMess · 09/08/2025 11:03

It’s very disappointing that she won’t delay setting off a few hours later in order to go with you. It does show her priorities.

Sunnysidegold · 09/08/2025 10:59

I think you have accidentally made out that your appointment is less important by changing it so she could attend.

I'm trying to imagine how the conversation would have went.

Oh I had my MRI and they're going to send out another appointment.

I wish I could have been there, I'll come to the next one.

Meanwhile you get the appointment for a date when you already have plans and then switch it. It kind of shows that her attending was more important to you than her as you switched it and she won't switch her plans.

I think what she really meant was "I'd love to come to the next one, so long as I have no other plans".

I think with something like a medical appointment you just go when you get it and not faff about changing appointments and putting things off to accommodate her. It seemed you were fine to go by yourself anyway and just changed it to make her feel more included.

I think you need to be very clear with your expectations are.

londongirl12 · 09/08/2025 10:25

memyself111 · 09/08/2025 09:48

The birthday is tomorrow. my appointment is this morning, but she travelled early to see her family before the birthday event

Show quote history

Ah sorry. So she could have gone to your appointment and then gone to the party? That makes it worse.

twobabiesandapup · 09/08/2025 10:25

I really hope your appointment goes well. For me personally thinking back to when my partner and I had been together for a year, I would 100% have prioritised going along with him unless there was a life or death emergency that I couldn’t get out of. Parties and bbqs I would’ve gladly sacked off to be able to be there for him with something like this. I’ve learnt over the years that people either tend to have that frame of mind or they don’t, and if you do and she doesn’t you might not be compatible because situations like this will crop up more and more the longer you’re together, and I can see you both getting really frustrated - you because you feel like you’re not supported, and her because she feels like she’s not doing anything wrong. Good luck with everything

YetanotherNC25 · 09/08/2025 10:20

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this.
I had a similar situation where I rearranged an operation so my DP could take me. He’d been with me for a previous operation where he’d seen me have an adverse reaction. Told him about the rearranged date/time and he still didn’t come. Turns out he hadn’t even put it in his diary or booked any time off work (when he said he would).
That was one of the final straws that showed clear as day that he didn’t care and would never prioritise me. I left. And we weren’t even long distance like you are. It looks like you are very low down your partners priority list, and likely always will be.
Is this how you want to live your life?

andweallsingalong · 09/08/2025 09:54

I wonder if she's getting mixed signals. It's been around for 3.5 years and less important than a BBQ might make her think it's not a big deal?

Original poster
memyself111 · 09/08/2025 09:48

londongirl12 · 09/08/2025 09:28

I think she’s showing you what her priorities are. She could have gone to the birthday for a few hours and then come to yours.

The birthday is tomorrow. my appointment is this morning, but she travelled early to see her family before the birthday event

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 09/08/2025 09:28

I think she’s showing you what her priorities are. She could have gone to the birthday for a few hours and then come to yours.

londongirl12 · 09/08/2025 09:25

moveoverG · 08/08/2025 23:06

If it makes you look at things from a different perspective, my husband didn’t come with me when I had a second scan to confirm I had miscarried our baby (first scan showed this but at my hospital the second scan is a requirement to confirm what is obvious). This happened TWICE.

Then the next stage was an internal procedure to remove everything while I was awake and he dropped me off and collected me as I wasn’t allowed to drive due to the meds as it was pointless us both being in the hospital- yes that’s right, this happened TWICE too.

We are still together.

WHY are you still together??

Dontlletmedownbruce · 09/08/2025 09:17

I think maybe she wanted to come, but it sounds like the times don't suit her. Thats not her fault. Considering if from another perspective, the family member who planned a birthday event for a long time would be upset if she didn't come or was late because of your appointment. She had to choose between the two and chose the one that causes least upset.

I think maybe talk to her about the next appointment and have it penciled in together. Tell her you would like the support. As a very general rule I wouldn't expect someone 90 mins away to come to a medical appointment unless it was very significant.

Original poster
memyself111 · 09/08/2025 08:42

@C080889 @Deebee90
sorry, I thought I put what it was in my original post. I did initially type what it was but my post kept deleting itself as I was typing it so I had to restart it again. I must’ve forgotten to put it in.

It’s a cyst in my pituitary gland, which was discovered when I was pregnant. I was having horrendous headaches and after doing all of the checks they couldn’t see what it was so they did an MRI and said that it was large, but they didn’t want to do any procedures while I was pregnant. So they wanted to wait to see if it grew in size.

I am anxious about it, especially because I now have a child and I’m just hoping that they say it all looks perfectly fine and that nothing is needed to be done

OP posts:
C080889 · 09/08/2025 08:03

Pituitary tumor by any chance?

healthybychristmas · 09/08/2025 07:44

She's not there for you when you need her. She's not there for you despite saying she would be. She puts herself first even though you've put her first throughout.

I really hope today goes well. Once your appointment is over then it might be time to reassess your relationship. I think you sound lovely and deserve someone much nicer than she is.

Deebee90 · 09/08/2025 00:50

I’m assuming it’s a tumour or aneurysm since you mentioned checking size. Please go and get checked. If she comes then fine if not then it’s a conversation for another day. Your health comes first, please think of your child.