To think we’ve lost the concept of men being men and women being women, and society is worse off for it?

Being a SAHM is the best thing ever as far as I'm concerned, but prettying myself up for my husband, doting on him and never saying no to 'hanky panky' is just grim IMO.

It's great that women have the choice now but I think that women working has led to housing costs going through the roof as most people having two incomes has enabled it to happen - and i think that has been a huge negative. It has resulted in the tide having to go the other way and now many women are forced to work just to keep a roof over their and their kids heads with no opportunity to be a SAHM.

I for one think that women having less choices is always a shame.

It's also completely missing that a section of those mothers would have been working at jobs where the "brain in a box" thing would still happen.

Your rudeness towards SAHPs is evident, and unnecessary. They don’t put their brains in boxes, what a horrible, nasty thing to say. Many are very well read, study and volunteer for many highly respectable organisations which definitely use their brains (do you personally have any idea how much work school governors do? Cruse/Samaritans volunteers? They undertake months and months of training and ongoing CPD). Many also home-educate, and so constantly use their brains to teach their own children across their entire childhood- or are you saying teachers don’t have brains too? Educating certainly doesn’t just happen in claustrophobic classrooms!

Perhaps start talking to a few more people in real life, it would make you less judgmental. It is a big mistake to under-estimate anyone generally.

What do you mean OP?!

When I was 16, I thought I might have been a transman. I poured it all out to my sociology tutor at college who asked me if I was simply rejecting gender-based stereotypes. We hadn't yet looked feminism in class so he gave me a couple of books to read and it turned out my tutor was spot on. All that anguish and upset I was going through with no clue that the reason for my discomfort was simple.

So no, 'men are men and women are women' can fuck right off.

@Scottishskifun

I know what you mean about DH being paraded.
I have an illness and DH looks after me. Of course I'm thankful and I would do exactly the same for him.

However, I go for regular treatment at the hospital and the nurses make a big fuss of him because he brings me tea and toast every morning for breakfast.

The nurses say they wish THEY could get tea and toast every morning.
It's annoying because if I could get it myself I would.

And I often wonder if it was the other way round and a woman was getting the breakfast every morning, would it even get mentioned?
I think NOT, It would just be expected.....

I agree with a lot of that. People try to keep the peace and end up harbouring so much resentment 😰

One of the favourite sayings on MN is when someone shows you who they really are believe them..... many people in relationships (men and women) simply don't and overlook, make excuses for or stick their fingers in their ears when it comes down to aspects. I don't blame women for a man's behaviour but nor do I think the behaviour should go unchallenged.

I have a small number friends who after years have stopped making excuses for their crappy husbands and instead seethe with resentment.

Relationships are about communication I was just early on in being upfront but if people don't communicate and discuss expectations then people will default to what's easiest that's human nature.

In our marriage we play to our strengths - I do most of the cooking because I used to work in kitchens so can cook quickly from scratch. My DH does the bulk of the mornings with our children and brekfast because he's a early riser.

My husband gets paraded, used as an example etc with a few friends or gets told by strangers oh isnt it lovely that your babysitting your children sonyour wife csn have some time......which annoys me no end as he's not exceptional he's just not rubbish and works as a team and take care of our children equally.

I think too many people are conditioned to "keep the peace". It's not about blame its about realising what your own boundaries are.

Well, it looks like the OP just chucked a grenade and then didn't bother coming back, so not sure that we can assume that her post was made in good faith.

As far as I'm concerned, I don't really care if other women want to play at being 1950s housewives. As long as I'm not expected to pay for their lifestyle choices, I think it's their own free choice to live as they wish.

Certainly wouldn't want that life for me or for my dd, but what strangers choose to do doesn't bother me.

A world in which all the financial pressure, and power, was on the man and women were financial dependent on men is not one I ever want to see again.

I could never have given up my career and it has done no harm to my DC that I was not a SAHM
Im fact the opposite
It people want to do it that’s their call, but there should be no state assistance

I don't know. I think you are still putting the blame in the woman. We have achieved a balance in our relationship but like you said it has been difficult. The early years when the kids were little and I was the default parent were very tiring and there was a lot of friction with my husband. Through conversations (as in regularly 😂) we managed to power through but I also see cases where this just doesn't happen. I think I there is an element of luck too.

You’re hilarious OP! You sound like one of our neighbours ( in her 30s so not old) who couldn’t get her head around the fact we are a 2
mum household and keep saying things like ‘ but who does the bins?’ And ‘who sorts the car for MOTs?’ Etc and offering her - frankly pretty useless - lump of a husband in case we needed any ‘man’ jobs done.
The same husband who seems to be happy watching his wife juggle a job, the majority of anything to do with their child, look after anything to do with both sets of their parents, do the housework, while he ‘rehearses’ with his ‘band’ on weekends and goes to the football…

Maybe that's fine for them, but the OP is saying she misses this for everyone. Not every woman would be happy giving up a lucrative career, putting their brain in a box and staying at home all day. I'm pretty sure I would kill myself if forced into a position like that. Hence why forcing people into gender roles that dont work or fit for everyone or even a high percentage of the population is bad and getting rid of this antiquated notion is good. You do you but being nothing more than a stay at home mom and wife would be my personal nightmare. See how that works?

It's not a case of being "one of the good ones" it's a case of not having a low bar or making excuses for them.
Some women seem to want to fix it or oh I will just do it as its quicker. This just creates an endless cycle of man children!

I was always upfront with my DH from the early days that I will never accept doing the lions share be it house work, financial or later on children and if he wasn't up for that then he should walk away.

When we discussed having children it was initially from a financial aspect of both saving enough to do so. We contribute financially now based on a ratio of income so I pay more because I earn significantly more but also my DH is part time to care for our youngest a day week.

Now we have 2 boys and from the age of 2 they both get age relevant chores to do (6 and 3).
I have friends who have man children husbands but the vast majority of my friends don't because they also have conversations and address issues rather then just letting it all slide.

The OP was soliciting opinions by starting this thread. People didn't just comment on her choices out of the blue. She asked if her belief was unreasonable and was told that it is. That's what an AIBU is for.
It's entirely appropriate to comment on other people's choices if they open up the subject for discussion in an AIBU.

Of course, everyone is entitled to hold an opinion on anything they want. But to specifically address someone about their choices is wrong, because if they have made a decision to run their life with their husband as they wish to, providing it doesn’t interfere with mine or your life, then we should respect their choice and leave them to get on with it. We’re all different, and should be left to do what makes us happy. If someone is being forced into traditional gender/wife roles by a controlling partner, then of course we’re here to offer advice.

I have and my point still stands. It is not wrong to make judgements about other people's opinions and to express disagreement. How rudely some people choose to express their disagreement does not alter that principle. What you are talking about is the way they express it, not the judgement itself.

Freely out of love- nope, we do it because no other buggar in house will do it! It’s not done for love, it’s done for necessity. We do it because the misogynistic society we live in labels it woman’s work and so men (not all men for those with fragile egos who can make sweeping judgments about women but can’t stand sweeping judgments about men!) don’t/won't do it. Don’t even get me started on the weaponised incompetence men (nam) use, because it’s amazing how men are perfectly capable of holding down jobs and following instructions there and for things they want to do but …

Biologically speaking it seems there are many women hard wired to liking a "bad boy" ie very macho and many men hard wired into being a "bad boy" or trying to ape being one due to the success the former have with women but there's societal fallout of this, usually involving children. Can it be socialised away over time?

Nope.

Its because of rigid views like yours that teens and young adults are thinking "I don't fit exactly into that box therefore I mustn't be female. Perhaps I'm male/non binary/dog" and feel forced to label themselves as something else that's NOT female.

You do realise that many women who ‘opt out’ are often very highly educated and have left very high paying careers? Certainly extremely capable of thinking for themselves.

Google ‘Missing Mothers’ for more on this from the government (they are aware 😂)- plenty of teacher Mums have decided for themselves they’d rather be at home looking after their own actual beloved children than spending the majority of their previous time with those of other people 👏🏻

Oh please. A servant is not married to those they do this work for, a housewife does everything freely out of love.

How many do you know in real life? You do realise they have complete autonomy over their day and do exactly what they want, when they want? To a far greater degree than capitalist slaves?

It’s not rude and judgmental. It’s simply a statement of fact. Here is the job description of a servant:

careercenter.natsap.org/career/servant#:~:text=A%20servant%20is%20an%20individual%20who%20provides%20various%20forms%20of,estates%20or%20providing%20personal%20care.

Have you read some of the comments on here? People absolutely frothing at the mouth about it...