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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

433 replies

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 17:53

I struggled with infertility for years. It was painful, isolating, and at times it felt like my body was betraying me. Along the way, I made a few close friendships with other women who were going through the same. We bonded over the grief, the tests, the waiting, the hope.

But when I finally got pregnant, something I never even believed would happen, I was overjoyed, but also mindful. I didn’t make big announcements. I tried to be sensitive. But several of those women just cut me off, almost overnight. No explanation, no "I need space", just silence. It hurt deeply.

What confuses me is that their anger or pain seemed to be directed only at me, the woman who got pregnant not at my husband. As if I did something to them personally. As if my pregnancy was a betrayal. But the men? Never held to account. No one stopped talking to my husband.

I completely understand that grief and comparison can make people pull away. I know it's not always rational. I know what it feels like to watch others get what you’re desperately hoping for. But I never imagined that when it finally happened to me, I'd lose people I’d once leaned on.

AIBU to feel like there’s something deeply unfair about how women carry so much of this emotional fallout, sometimes even punishing each other while men walk away untouched?

OP posts:
Original poster
joyjoyw · 09/08/2025 13:27

phoenixrosehere · 09/08/2025 13:24

Agree and you can see many have not actually read OP’s responses.

Not sure how many times she has to say they were friends BEFORE the infertility and then said friends are happy to see her husband AND the baby.

Tbh, this type of thing reminds me of the girls who get pregnant in secondary and they’re treated completely different than the boys who impregnated them and their girlfriends still talk to said boys but ghost the pregnant friend.

Stil think it’s a DH problem. What decent spouse would be happy to see their wife be treated this way and still see the said couples treating her this way?

Edited
Show quote history

Read the update. DH has told them he will not be friends with them anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
joyjoyw · 09/08/2025 13:26

DrFoxtrot · 09/08/2025 13:17

I am absolutely flabbergasted at some of the replies OP is getting, that seem to be saying as long as she gets a healthy baby in the end, so what that she went through the death of a baby and infertility. And seemingly OP should suck it up and not also feel hurt about her friends dropping her.

OP, I’m glad your DH is going to distance from the ex friends. You can both move forward together. Anyone who minimises your pain needs cutting out. This thread is making me annoyed on your behalf.

Thank you.

That is the message I am getting too. It is like everything I went though no longer matters and I no longer understand the pain anymore. The pain does not get wiped away just because I had the baby.

Not that it is a competition but not being able to conceive seems to be at the top (which gives the go ahead for all sorts of unpleasant behaviour) and even the death of a baby comes nowhere near that.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 09/08/2025 13:24

Dramatic · 09/08/2025 13:13

Op I think you've had an unnecessarily hard time here. Fwiw I agree with you, I think it's extremely unfair that you have supported these people for years and shared a close friendship just for them to cut you off without a word but still socialise and see your husband. You have also been in their exact position and didn't make people feel the way they have made you feel.

Agree and you can see many have not actually read OP’s responses.

Not sure how many times she has to say they were friends BEFORE the infertility and then said friends are happy to see her husband AND the baby.

Tbh, this type of thing reminds me of the girls who get pregnant in secondary and they’re treated completely different than the boys who impregnated them and their girlfriends still talk to said boys but ghost the pregnant friend.

Stil think it’s a DH problem. What decent spouse would be happy to see their wife be treated this way and still see the said couples treating her this way?

IWillBeWaxingAnOwl · 09/08/2025 13:17

I haven't seen this as a general trend tbh but i suspect one massive contribution is that male friendships are often less emotionally deep. So then the vulnerability doesn't feel as high and is less impacted by the infertility factor. If before you guys successfully had a baby they got together and watched the game and maybe had a 5 mins chat about their IVF treatment stage; then it's not a huge jump to hang out and watch the game without that 5 mins included. Or even if it's still included it's often less emotionally deep eg "oh we are mid cycle" rather than "this feels hopeless". The reduced emotional depth then makes it less painful when each are in a different boat and less pull back is needed.

DrFoxtrot · 09/08/2025 13:17

I am absolutely flabbergasted at some of the replies OP is getting, that seem to be saying as long as she gets a healthy baby in the end, so what that she went through the death of a baby and infertility. And seemingly OP should suck it up and not also feel hurt about her friends dropping her.

OP, I’m glad your DH is going to distance from the ex friends. You can both move forward together. Anyone who minimises your pain needs cutting out. This thread is making me annoyed on your behalf.

Oranjes · 09/08/2025 13:14

Are you using ChatGPT to craft your responses? The double length hyphens give it away, along with the tone - rhetorical questions and so on. If so, why?

Dramatic · 09/08/2025 13:13

Op I think you've had an unnecessarily hard time here. Fwiw I agree with you, I think it's extremely unfair that you have supported these people for years and shared a close friendship just for them to cut you off without a word but still socialise and see your husband. You have also been in their exact position and didn't make people feel the way they have made you feel.

Original poster
joyjoyw · 09/08/2025 13:10

HappyAsASandboy · 09/08/2025 12:56

They don’t take it out on the men because they’re not (understandably) envious of the men. They want to be pregnant; that’s what they’re envious of and so the woman is the person who it is too hard to see/speak to etc.

It’s like people see the woman as having done it completely on her own, so she’s the one who has to be avoided or cut off.

It ends up being women blaming and shutting out other women, while the men carry on as normal. All the emotional fallout lands on the woman and the man gets to walk away.

OP posts:
R0ckandHardPlace · 09/08/2025 13:08

Being in pain yourself is not an excuse for hurting others.

Original poster
joyjoyw · 09/08/2025 13:07

SpikeGilesSandwich · 09/08/2025 12:51

With all due respect, you aren’t in the infertility club anymore. You’ll make new friends at baby groups, toddler groups, school gates and kids activities, life moves on for you, be grateful it does.

We were friends beyond the infertility club. We had history before all of that, spent time together as couples, celebrated birthdays, went on trips. The fertility struggle was something we shared later, but it wasn’t the only thing holding the friendship together.

OP posts:
Original poster
joyjoyw · 09/08/2025 13:06

applegingermint · 09/08/2025 12:41

All anyone is saying is that being infertile and never taking home a baby is a different experience to infertility with successful treatment.

I am someone who has been successful after a shit ton of IVF. It still makes me cry when I speak about it. I can’t have children without it, so there’s no whoopsie surprises in our future. It doesn’t mean my feelings are invalidated when I speak or empathise with someone who hasn’t been as fortunate as me to take home a living child.

Your posts really scream ME ME ME with little empathy for what your friends are going through.

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I know very well that never taking home a baby is different to eventually having one. I’ve never claimed otherwise. But you’re acting like that difference wipes out everything I went through before getting here, or that it means I’ve stopped caring about other people’s pain. That’s simply not true.

My first baby died. I’ve lived the worst outcome as well as years of infertility. I know what it’s like to watch someone else get what you’re desperate for. I didn’t cut my friends off when I was in that place. I showed up for them even when it broke me inside.

So no, this isn’t just “ME ME ME.” This is me saying that friendship should go both ways, that ghosting someone you were close to is hurtful, and that it’s possible to understand their pain while still being honest about my own. If you can’t see that, you are the one lacking empathy here.

OP posts:
HappyAsASandboy · 09/08/2025 12:56

They don’t take it out on the men because they’re not (understandably) envious of the men. They want to be pregnant; that’s what they’re envious of and so the woman is the person who it is too hard to see/speak to etc.

Dodeedoo · 09/08/2025 12:52

SpikeGilesSandwich · 09/08/2025 12:51

With all due respect, you aren’t in the infertility club anymore. You’ll make new friends at baby groups, toddler groups, school gates and kids activities, life moves on for you, be grateful it does.

This is also very true

SpikeGilesSandwich · 09/08/2025 12:51

With all due respect, you aren’t in the infertility club anymore. You’ll make new friends at baby groups, toddler groups, school gates and kids activities, life moves on for you, be grateful it does.

Dodeedoo · 09/08/2025 12:50

You sound like a decent person OP.
the situation is just shit but I think it’s a hard pill that you need to swallow for now.
why is your husband going out with this friendship group with out you? Especially since they are ghosting you! I’d call the friends out on this tbh

longdistanceclaraaa · 09/08/2025 12:48

joyjoyw · 09/08/2025 11:54

We were all friends to start with, and then some of us got closer because of the fertility stuff. But it wasn’t like my husband was on the outside. He was part of the group too. We all did things together, nights out, birthdays, weekends away.

When I got pregnant, the women stopped talking to me but still saw my husband. They’ve gone out with their husbands and him, chatted, even when he’s had the baby with him.

That’s why I think there is a male/female element. He’s also becoming a parent, but no one has treated him like a reminder or a problem. I’m the one who got shut out.

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In which case then that is hurtful and very odd. I think it is a situation specific to your particular group. I don't anyone whose husbands would ride along like this as if nothing is wrong when their wife is being specifically excluded.

In my circle there have been various people with infertility at various points, including me, and there has never been this dynamic.

applegingermint · 09/08/2025 12:41

joyjoyw · 09/08/2025 12:38

Really?

My first baby died and I had years of infertility.

But as long as I have a baby, everything else I went through doesn't matter right?

Show quote history

All anyone is saying is that being infertile and never taking home a baby is a different experience to infertility with successful treatment.

I am someone who has been successful after a shit ton of IVF. It still makes me cry when I speak about it. I can’t have children without it, so there’s no whoopsie surprises in our future. It doesn’t mean my feelings are invalidated when I speak or empathise with someone who hasn’t been as fortunate as me to take home a living child.

Your posts really scream ME ME ME with little empathy for what your friends are going through.

dairydebris · 09/08/2025 12:38

I think you'll have to sadly accept that not everyone is made of such strong moral stuff as you.

Original poster
joyjoyw · 09/08/2025 12:38

Dodeedoo · 09/08/2025 12:35

This 100 percent

Show quote history

Really?

My first baby died and I had years of infertility.

But as long as I have a baby, everything else I went through doesn't matter right?

OP posts:
Original poster
joyjoyw · 09/08/2025 12:36

Snorlaxo · 09/08/2025 12:34

It’s strange that it took your h this long to consider your feelings. Did you previously tell him that you were ok with him hanging out with your ex friends and their wives? Did you consider it as the wives ghosting you rather than the wives and husbands?

I still maintain that I understand why the wives ghosted. There’s no way to write a message where you know that you’re being unreasonable but don’t want to upset the other person either. You say that a breakup message would have made you feel better but others would be upset, angry, want a chance to have their say… and nobody wants that to happen. Even the words you suggested “I’m sorry but I can’t deal with seeing you anymore” would make the sender cringe as they know that it’s good that you’re pregnant and that as a friend they should be happy instead of feeling jealous and upset.

If sending a short message feels cringe, I think ghosting someone is just as cringe.

OP posts:
Dodeedoo · 09/08/2025 12:35

Adultautismdiagnosis · 08/08/2025 17:56

With all due respect, your perception is skewed because you got your baby in the end.

This 100 percent

Snorlaxo · 09/08/2025 12:34

It’s strange that it took your h this long to consider your feelings. Did you previously tell him that you were ok with him hanging out with your ex friends and their wives? Did you consider it as the wives ghosting you rather than the wives and husbands?

I still maintain that I understand why the wives ghosted. There’s no way to write a message where you know that you’re being unreasonable but don’t want to upset the other person either. You say that a breakup message would have made you feel better but others would be upset, angry, want a chance to have their say… and nobody wants that to happen. Even the words you suggested “I’m sorry but I can’t deal with seeing you anymore” would make the sender cringe as they know that it’s good that you’re pregnant and that as a friend they should be happy instead of feeling jealous and upset.

TheTwitcher11 · 09/08/2025 12:16

Winterwonders24 · 09/08/2025 11:57

Its not whataboutary, it happened to me: 20 years of significant health and disability, but always supportive of my friend and hearing about her travels and work opportunities: then,one day when she found out we were going to have a baby, the jealousy and lack of pleasure for us was painful. When she did get pregnant, all was fine again. I still love her,always will, but I'll never forget she couldn't give me what id always given her.

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gotta admit, think it’s a bit cheeky she tried to pick up where she left off though (unless she provided a sincere apology?)

TheTwitcher11 · 09/08/2025 12:13

Winterwonders24 · 09/08/2025 12:04

That's a fair point,and I'm sorry for you. I think what you describe feels more like a growing apart due to practical circumstances, rather than avoidance of pain. And to be honest, sometimes the emotional reaction to pregnancy can feel like a personal attack,or at least a guilt trip, as opposed to an acceptance life is just different for the parties involved and not close enough to survive it

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Thanks for your understanding, it’s appreciated because a lot of people on this site like to pile on.

Chances are the friends would eventually get over it but it’s very hard to request a 5-10 year friendship break from someone so I think some people just disassociate completely (but if it were me, I would be brutally honest with OP, I think others are too scared to be labelled bitter and jealous)

TheTwitcher11 · 09/08/2025 12:12

Winterwonders24 · 09/08/2025 12:04

That's a fair point,and I'm sorry for you. I think what you describe feels more like a growing apart due to practical circumstances, rather than avoidance of pain. And to be honest, sometimes the emotional reaction to pregnancy can feel like a personal attack,or at least a guilt trip, as opposed to an acceptance life is just different for the parties involved and not close enough to survive it

Show quote history

Thanks for your understanding, it’s appreciated because a lot of people on this site like to pile on.

Chances are the friends would eventually get over it but it’s very ask to request a 5-10 year friendship break from someone so I think some people just disassociate completely (but if it were me, I would be brutally honest with OP, I think others are too scared to be labelled bitter and jealous)