to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

I'm sorry you haven't had the ending you hoped for 🫂 we gave up entirely after 5 years then got some private treatment for my recurrent losses which gave us our miracles. I still carry the trauma and have had to work through it as having a baby doesn't erase the trauma you went through. However I remember when we gave up we were expected to be loudly child free rather than grieve, people were very uncomfortable with the idea they couldn't just throw out platitudes about 'some day' and there was genuine resentment from some family members that we'd just move on. I'm so glad we have our children but I stand by giving up if there hadn't been a medical change because otherwise you just carry hope and constant disappointment with you and can't just live your life because of all the maybe. Infertility that doesn't eventually end in a miracle baby makes people very uncomfortable. Sorry to rant on!

The man isn't pregnant. It also isn't the man who they bonded with over fertility issues. It won't be the man they see with a growing baby bump, it won't be the man who's fussed over with baby showers and comments on how they are glowing and questions about how pregnancy is going. I've never had fertility issues but even I can see how someone would be triggered by a pregnant woman but not a man who will be a father.
It seems like you are trying to make this into something it isn't. It's nothing like when women get blamed for all parenting failures, there actually is a huge difference between men and women in the prenatal period.

Thank you so much. At last someone who understands that struggling with infertility for years but eventually having a baby is different to struggling with infertility and having to give up and never having a baby. 💐💐. Congratulations on your two children.

You don't see that it's a bit unhinged to expect someone who is probably dying of jealousy, grief and sadness because you have the one thing they want more than anything to come to you and apologize for not being excited enough on the midst of their own sadness? You already have the baby why do you also need the validation?

No it makes a difference, years of infertility and miscarriages here but 2 kids with me, there's a validation from those around you when you get your happy ending that when you give u (and we had at a point) and start to grieve rather than trying it's different.

Yes, because hearing all about your pregnancy would have been too much for her to bear. It isn’t personal. It isn’t a personal slight. It was self protection on her part. For some women, having children is the be all and end all and feeling they’re approaching the end of the line must be like the end of the world. I didn’t see it that way as I was always open to adoption, but I can understand why other people feel that way and how heartbreaking it must be waiting for your turn, but your turn just never comes.

Yes it's a choice but I'm pointing out why it's not a double standard

Yes. It really is grim. Not much empathy at all - perhaps it shows as clearly to them.

This.

It’s so painful and your bonds were forged of pain , not true friendship?

I am in the same boat as you, OP, but 100% this. It isn’t about you. It’s about them doing what they need to do and I would respect that, even if it seems hurtful from your point of view.

You know what I meant. If I meet a pregnant friend’s dh in the street, he is not sporting a maternity outfit. He is not the one writhing on the bed in the hospital, telling birth war stories later etc etc and, most usually, not joining the big Mum Club of baby and toddler groups and mummy friends (which is retrospectively viewed as awful but nonetheless we all embrace the stuff at the time).

Are you honestly saying that what a man goes through during a woman's pregnancy and then birth is the same!?

You keep endlessly talking about the double standard but I dont think it's a double standard just the simple fact that you carrying a baby and then giving birth is much harder for these women to deal with than when thinking about your partner. I don't know why you cant see that. It's just how these women feel. It's not a standard just an emotion.

Are you the sort of person who just needs something to obsess over?

But your baby is here already, so its already been about a year or more? It doesn't seem like you've moved on.

One has come back now she's 'finally pregnant' and you mention it this many pages in?

I don't think you're for real.

Let it go OP. You have a baby now. You will meet lots more people through this and into the future. It's blatantly obvious why these friends are finding it difficult to talk to you right now - no need to psychoanalyse them or obsess about them being bitter or twisted. It's wasted energy.

Tbh, taking it out on anyone is too much. I struggled to conceive, but I never would have taken it out on my more fertile friends. Emotional self-regulation should t disappear because you can’t have a baby.

Dear oh dear, OP. Can’t you just thank your lucky stars for your good fortune and understand the pain of those you’ve left behind? Instead you’re cross with the bitter old trouts!

And as for men… well, they’re men surprisingly enough and apart from an extremely short effort (!) they’re not really involved in the pregnancy and birth process. Also I’ve never discussed anything like this with friends’ husbands. How weird!