Page 16 | to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

joyjoyw · 2025-08-08T16:53:47+00:00

I struggled with infertility for years. It was painful, isolating, and at times it felt like my body was betraying me. Along the way, I made a few close friendships with other women who were going through the same. We bonded over the grief, the tests, the waiting, the hope. But when I finally got pregnant, something I never even believed would happen, I was overjoyed, but also mindful. I didn’t make big announcements. I tried to be sensitive. But several of those women just cut me off, almost overnight. No explanation, no "I need space", just silence. It hurt deeply. What confuses me is that their anger or pain seemed to be directed only at me, the woman who got pregnant not at my husband. As if I did something to them personally. As if my pregnancy was a betrayal. But the men? Never held to account. No one stopped talking to my husband. I completely understand that grief and comparison can make people pull away. I know it's not always rational. I know what it feels like to watch others get what you’re desperately hoping for. But I never imagined that when it finally happened to me, I'd lose people I’d once leaned on. AIBU to feel like there’s something deeply unfair about how women carry so much of this emotional fallout, sometimes even punishing each other while men walk away untouched?

Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 19:39

DashboardConfession · 08/08/2025 19:29

It's because you are carrying a baby and experiencing a pregnancy not "becoming a parent".

I'm sure some of the men who are unable to be fathers don't want to hang round the park with their mates and their toddlers either.

Some of the men we know who are also facing fertility struggles have met up with my husband even when our baby was with him. They have spent time together, had a chat, and it has not changed their friendship. There was no emotional cutoff or awkward silence. The same cannot be said for my friendships with their partners.

That is the point I am making. There is a noticeable double standard in how women are treated when their circumstances change.

OP posts:

Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 19:38

youalright · 08/08/2025 19:26

In what context are they still talking to your husband. Are they saying hi in the supermarket or meeting up with him for drinks

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My husband has been over to their house to watch football or go to a sporting event. In some cases, the wife has been there too. They have chatted, been friendly and it has all been completely normal. There was no awkwardness, no distancing, no silence.

OP posts:

dairydebris · 08/08/2025 19:34

I can see how this would smart. Losing loved friends.

Where would you rather be tho? Pregnant and lose a few friendships, or not pregnant with those friendships intact? I think you know they'd swap places with you in a heartbeat, and you wouldn't dream of swapping with them. You can extend them grace in this case.

Count your blessings basically. Maybe this is the price you pay for your baby.

Adultautismdiagnosis · 08/08/2025 19:32

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 19:00

I have with some, yes. Some of those friendships may have been mostly rooted in shared pain, and when that pain no longer aligned, the connection faded. I understand that. But not all of them were like that. Some of these women were part of my life long before infertility. We shared holidays, dinners, birthdays, and plenty of joy alongside the struggle. That is what makes the silence now so painful.

I get the AA comparison, but it does not fully apply here. Fertility is not a relapse situation. I did not "fall off a wagon"—I finally reached the thing we were all hoping for. I am not expecting to sit around talking about fertility struggles while pregnant, nor would I ever bring my baby into a space where I knew it would hurt someone. I am more considerate than that.

What I did hope for was honesty. A message saying "this is too hard for me right now" would have been enough. Instead, I was just dropped. That is not about protecting mental health. That is avoidance and it hurts.

I know not all friendships survive big life changes. But it still hurts when people you stood beside during their worst moments cannot show you even a fraction of the same care when your life finally shifts. I never expected to carry on exactly as before but I also did not expect to be erased.

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I can guarantee those friends are hurting more than you right now.

DashboardConfession · 08/08/2025 19:29

It's because you are carrying a baby and experiencing a pregnancy not "becoming a parent".

I'm sure some of the men who are unable to be fathers don't want to hang round the park with their mates and their toddlers either.

youalright · 08/08/2025 19:26

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 19:02

I have given them space. In fact, they made the decision to cut me off completely without a conversation or explanation. That is their right, but let’s not pretend I am the one failing to give space or show understanding. I have respected their choice, even though it was hurtful.

What I find hard to reconcile is that some of them still speak to my husband. So it is not about total distance or self protection. It feels selective, and yes, that stings. I am not asking for anything dramatic — just a bit of fairness in how the situation is seen. Protecting your mental health should not mean permanently freezing someone out without even a word.

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In what context are they still talking to your husband. Are they saying hi in the supermarket or meeting up with him for drinks

youalright · 08/08/2025 19:24

R0ckandHardPlace · 08/08/2025 19:13

It seems to be a modern phenomena. Many years ago, I was in the same position as your friends so I do understand the heartache. My best friend was also my DH’s sister. The day after my 2nd mc (after five years of trying) we went round to my IL’s, i didn’t feel like it but thought it would do me good to get out. They all knew about the miscarriage. SIL swanned in with a big smile on her face and announced her first pregnancy.

I was completely bereft, but even though I was happy for her I was heartbroken that she’d announced it so callously and thoughtlessly.

But I held it together, supported her through her pregnancy and tried to be the best auntie I possibly could to my nephew when he was born even though it tore me apart at times.

I can’t understand why some women are completely wrapped up in themselves. Women will have babies, and you can’t hide from it. Every baby is a precious gift to the world.

To cut off a friend without a word to protect you from feeling bad is awful and unacceptable, no matter how bad they’re feeling. I’d get it if they said “Look, I’m really struggling with this so I’m going to back off for a bit until I get my head straight, but you’ve done nothing wrong”, but not to just cut you off. That’s unforgivable.

But that was your nephew this is a group of women who's friendship was maintained through infertility. Not even close to the same thing

MsNevermore · 08/08/2025 19:23

I just think this is such an emotive topic, and people process in their own way.
And honestly? That’s ok. It’s such a viscerally painful thing and a lot of the time, we are so consumed by our own emotional pain, we don’t have much regard for how other people are construing it.
I haven’t struggled to get pregnant, but staying pregnant is the issue. Last year, I lost twins (my fourth miscarriage). It was scary. It put my life in danger and I needed emergency surgery to save my life. The initial aftermath of that, the emotion I felt at the forefront of everything, if I’m being entirely honest with myself, was rage 🤷🏻‍♀️
I was told that a colleague of my DH’s and his wife were having a baby, and the reaction I had to that news was pure venom. Looking back now, I’m horrified at how I reacted and that I even said some of the awful things I said - not directly to them, but to DH when he told me. Then a few months later, we were told that DH’s brother and his wife were expecting…..again: rage was my immediate response. Not because I wasn’t happy for them, but because I was still feeling the deep, visceral pain of our loss. I totally blanked my SIL for a couple of months because I was drowning in my own emotions - my BIL didn’t even enter my head.
I think I’ve come over the rage hill now, and while I’m still devastated by our loss, and the knowledge that another baby isn’t on the cards for us, I’m now able to separate that from other people’s pregnancies. When I first hear the news, I still get that horrible sinking feeling in my tummy, and I take some time to work through that on my own before I offer my congratulations.

Charmofgoldfinch · 08/08/2025 19:23

Do these women stay in touch with your husband and just not talk to you? ETA - saw your update re: some of these women still talking to your husband - that is odd and I agree you are a couple both welcoming a child into your family unit.
I think your friends are in pain OP, and if they have pulled away it’s because they are grieving what they might never have. In my experience it also happens the other way - both me and my husband have friends who have children pull away from us (either because they feel awkward about our infertility and don’t know how to deal with sad things or because we don’t have that much in common anymore and they’d sooner hang out with others with kids). I think people bond over the life events they are currently experiencing, and relationships may cool if you are at different life stages. It is sad if you don’t want the friendships to end and they do though.

R0ckandHardPlace · 08/08/2025 19:13

It seems to be a modern phenomena. Many years ago, I was in the same position as your friends so I do understand the heartache. My best friend was also my DH’s sister. The day after my 2nd mc (after five years of trying) we went round to my IL’s, i didn’t feel like it but thought it would do me good to get out. They all knew about the miscarriage. SIL swanned in with a big smile on her face and announced her first pregnancy.

I was completely bereft, but even though I was happy for her I was heartbroken that she’d announced it so callously and thoughtlessly.

But I held it together, supported her through her pregnancy and tried to be the best auntie I possibly could to my nephew when he was born even though it tore me apart at times.

I can’t understand why some women are completely wrapped up in themselves. Women will have babies, and you can’t hide from it. Every baby is a precious gift to the world.

To cut off a friend without a word to protect you from feeling bad is awful and unacceptable, no matter how bad they’re feeling. I’d get it if they said “Look, I’m really struggling with this so I’m going to back off for a bit until I get my head straight, but you’ve done nothing wrong”, but not to just cut you off. That’s unforgivable.

SomethingFun · 08/08/2025 19:11

I’m prepared for some nasty comments but dropping friends because you can’t have a child and they can is absolutely bullshit. No one, however much they want one, is owed a child and it’s not fair on yourself and others to put yourself through all this emotional turmoil over it. I genuinely don’t understand why women do this to themselves.

Makingitupaswegoalong · 08/08/2025 19:04

I lost a close friend this way. It’s too painful for them and they need to prioritise surviving over maintaining the friendship.

Gingerwarthog · 08/08/2025 19:03

They will probably not be able to cope with seeing you pregnant. As someone else said, it’s self preservation- do not try to rationalise it. They have cut you off because they have to and it will not be personal, although it feels like that to you. You have the one thing they want most in the world and they may be facing the possibility that they never will have it.

Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 19:02

youalright · 08/08/2025 19:01

People need to protect their own mental health first always. You need to give them space and understanding

I have given them space. In fact, they made the decision to cut me off completely without a conversation or explanation. That is their right, but let’s not pretend I am the one failing to give space or show understanding. I have respected their choice, even though it was hurtful.

What I find hard to reconcile is that some of them still speak to my husband. So it is not about total distance or self protection. It feels selective, and yes, that stings. I am not asking for anything dramatic — just a bit of fairness in how the situation is seen. Protecting your mental health should not mean permanently freezing someone out without even a word.

OP posts:

youalright · 08/08/2025 19:01

People need to protect their own mental health first always. You need to give them space and understanding

Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 19:00

youalright · 08/08/2025 18:57

Friends in these circumstances are not like real friends as much as they may have felt like it at the time its like making friends in AA if someone falls of the wagon you wouldn't carry on the friendship as it will drag you down and effect your sobriety and mental health. You bonded through heartbreak and you got your happy ending and they didn't did you honestly think you would still meet up and talk about fertility issues why your sat their 6 months pregnant or take your baby.

I have with some, yes. Some of those friendships may have been mostly rooted in shared pain, and when that pain no longer aligned, the connection faded. I understand that. But not all of them were like that. Some of these women were part of my life long before infertility. We shared holidays, dinners, birthdays, and plenty of joy alongside the struggle. That is what makes the silence now so painful.

I get the AA comparison, but it does not fully apply here. Fertility is not a relapse situation. I did not "fall off a wagon"—I finally reached the thing we were all hoping for. I am not expecting to sit around talking about fertility struggles while pregnant, nor would I ever bring my baby into a space where I knew it would hurt someone. I am more considerate than that.

What I did hope for was honesty. A message saying "this is too hard for me right now" would have been enough. Instead, I was just dropped. That is not about protecting mental health. That is avoidance and it hurts.

I know not all friendships survive big life changes. But it still hurts when people you stood beside during their worst moments cannot show you even a fraction of the same care when your life finally shifts. I never expected to carry on exactly as before but I also did not expect to be erased.

OP posts:

Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 18:59

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 08/08/2025 18:48

But its not just the act of creating the child that your friends will be envious of. It is the fact that you will be pregnant, carrying a child, feeling it move, giving birth to it. Its THOSE things that they will be envious of and that happens to YOU, not your husband so its obvious that its you that will get most of the fallout. His part in it all is minimal. Surely you can see that?

And for what its worth I feel for you. I think it must be really difficult for you that this wonderful thing has happened to you and you want to celebrate it and share it with your friends. Empathy SHOULD go both ways. In a perfect world it would. But this isn't a perfect world and unfortunately those friends who were once in the same boat as you now find it difficult to be around you and to share your good news. I am not saying its right, I am saying in some ways I understand why they would want to distance themselves from you.

Not saying I would do the same thing. I have been in the position of being pregnant at the same time as a friend, both due within a few days of each other. Both went into labour days apart. My son died, her baby lived. For me, I was happy for her. I never made her feel guilt that her baby had lived and mine had not. I gave her a gift, I was happy for her and I cried for my loss behind closed doors. But not everyone can do that and I am sorry you feel upset and let down by them.

The 'such is life' was more aimed at the fact that we cannot control how other people act and what they do and how they feel and cope with their own emotions.

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I understand that the physical experience of pregnancy is what some people find especially painful to witness. I do not deny that. Feeling the baby move, giving birth—those are deeply emotional milestones that not everyone gets to experience. I know how lucky I am to be here. I have not forgotten what it took to get to this point.

But saying my husband’s part is minimal oversimplifies the reality. He was there for every scan, every injection, every loss, every bit of hope and heartbreak. He is also becoming a parent, just not in the same physical way. Yet while I have been cut off completely by some of these women, they still speak to him as if nothing has changed. That imbalance is what I am struggling with. It is not just about who is carrying the baby, It is about how women carry the emotional burden of others' grief as well as their own.

I do not expect everyone to celebrate with me. I do not expect people to pretend they are fine if they are not. But disappearing without a word. A simple honest message would have been enough. Silence feels like rejection.

I am truly sorry for what you went through, and I admire how you handled such unimaginable pain with grace and generosity. You are right, not everyone can do that. But I do not think it is unreasonable to wish that empathy and compassion went both ways. It is not about control. It is about honesty and basic respect between people who once cared about each other.

OP posts:

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 08/08/2025 18:57

Leave them a while. I always coped better once the baby was here. It was the pregnancy that was painful. Maybe they might reach out to you again.

youalright · 08/08/2025 18:57

Friends in these circumstances are not like real friends as much as they may have felt like it at the time its like making friends in AA if someone falls of the wagon you wouldn't carry on the friendship as it will drag you down and effect your sobriety and mental health. You bonded through heartbreak and you got your happy ending and they didn't did you honestly think you would still meet up and talk about fertility issues why your sat their 6 months pregnant or take your baby.

Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 18:57

Reportedex · 08/08/2025 18:55

You really are incredibly self centred and lacking in empathy.

I don’t understand it.

I am not being self-centred. I am sharing how painful it is to lose friendships I genuinely valued, especially after years of shared struggle. Acknowledging my own hurt does not mean I lack empathy for theirs.

You do not even know me. You are making a huge assumption based on one post. I never said anyone had to celebrate with me or be involved in every part of my pregnancy. I said it hurts to be cut off without a word, while some of the same women still speak to my husband like nothing has changed. That kind of silence from people I supported through their own pain is something I am allowed to feel sad about.

Empathy is not one-sided. It is possible to understand why someone might need space and still feel the loss of that connection. That does not make me cold. It makes me human.

OP posts:

Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 18:56

leakycauldron · 08/08/2025 18:48

All due to respect OP you are being massively unreasonable. I'm not sure why you can't see why your friends who are struggling to conceive would distance themselves from you.
It's nothing personal. It's self preservation.

You are getting your baby!

Did you really expect them to talk birthing options, names and gender reveals with you?
And then when you start complaining about sleepless nights and colic do you expect them to be sympathetic?

Best thing you can do is do an NCT course you will make new friends with babies due the same time as you. My DD is 9 and I still see our NCt friends regularly and the kids are my DDs oldest friends!

Keep the lines of communication open with your old friends. Message them and ask how they are but don't be offended if they don't message you first. They may come round they may not. Your life will drastically change once your baby arrives, sadly losing friends is all part of it!

I think you are missing the point. I did not expect anyone to talk about baby names or birth plans if it was too painful for them. I did not expect excitement. What I hoped for was basic honesty and decency. A simple message saying this is hard for me right now would have been enough. Instead, people I was close to disappeared without a word.

I understand the idea of self preservation, but cutting someone off completely and silently is not the only option. That kind of emotional avoidance hurts, especially when it comes from people I supported through their lowest points. I am allowed to feel sad about that. It does not mean I lack empathy.

Yes, I am having a baby after years of heartbreak. That brings joy but also complex feelings. I did not stop being the same person just because something finally went right. If friendship only works when everyone is suffering equally, then it was not real friendship.

What makes it even harder is that these some of the women will still talk to my husband. They are friendly with him, pleasant even. Yet I am the one they cut off. He is also becoming a parent, but no one treats him like a painful reminder. That emotional burden always seems to fall entirely on women.

I will meet new people and I am open to that. But suggesting I just replace long-term friendships with NCT ones ignores the grief that comes from being quietly dropped by people I stood beside for years.

Keeping the lines of communication open goes both ways. I have checked in. I have reached out. But no one can keep holding space forever when nothing comes back.

Life changes, yes. But real friendships should not disappear the moment your story changes.

OP posts:

Reportedex · 08/08/2025 18:55

You really are incredibly self centred and lacking in empathy.

I don’t understand it.

Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 18:54

DoYouReally · 08/08/2025 18:43

I'm surprised you don't understand that a man having a child is not directly comparable to a woman having one.

Men don't carry the child, don't experience the pregnancy etc.

Did any of these ladies know your husband as well as they knew you either? I doubt it.

I also don't think it's surprising that friendships are often built in common bonds and when that commonality changes, friendship get fractured and drift.

I can't have children but am friends with many who have but it's easier arrange catch ups and meet ups with childfree friends whose life's afford them more spontaneity, they can meet for a coffee or go on a weekend away without having to arrange childcare in advance etc...equally women who have child can meet with the children or do child centered days out together etc. Life changes and friendships with it.

It's not necessarily a snub in a lot of cases.

As for men, I remember having to authorised paternity leave for a male colleague shortly after returning to work after finding out I would never concieve. I smiled and congratulated him but instead my head a voice was screaming "you lucky bastard". He's a perfectly nice man and I was genuinely happy for him but it was just so raw for me that the jealously (& I'm really not normally a jealous person) was overwhelming in the moment.

I think you need to realise it's not about you. These woman are going what they need to go get them through it. Overtime, these friendships may even be rekindled.

I do understand that a man having a child is not the same as a woman carrying and giving birth to one. But I do not think that makes the emotional impact on friendships entirely one-sided. Yes, women are the ones visibly pregnant, but that does not mean men are unaffected or invisible in the process of becoming parents.

Some of these women knew my husband well. We spent time as couples, supported one another through difficult years, and shared a lot beyond just infertility. Yet the shift only happened with me. My husband’s friendships remained intact. No awkwardness, no silence, no loss. That is the imbalance I am trying to point out. Not that men should be treated the same, but that they are often spared the emotional fallout entirely.

I agree that friendships often form around shared experiences and that those dynamics can shift when life changes. That part is natural. What I am talking about is not just drifting or being in different stages of life. It is about being cut off completely, without a word, by people I considered close. Not one message. No explanation. Just gone. That goes beyond spontaneity or logistics.

I also understand how raw and overwhelming those emotions can be. I have sat through pregnancy announcements, baby showers, and maternity leave send-offs with a smile on my face while my chest felt like it was caving in. I never judged anyone who was struggling. But I never walked away from a friend who was kind and sensitive to my pain, even if her joy reminded me of my loss.

This is not about me believing I am the victim. It is about naming the loneliness that comes with losing people you stood beside for years, just because your story took a turn they were not ready to witness. I do hope some of those friendships might return in time, but it still hurts in the present. Acknowledging that does not make me less understanding.

OP posts:

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 08/08/2025 18:48

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 18:26

I understand that it is me who is physically pregnant, but I did not create this child alone. My partner was part of every step. The pregnancy might be happening in my body, but it was our journey. Yet none of the emotional fallout ever lands on him.

It is always the woman who becomes the reminder, the one people cut off, avoid, or quietly resent. He gets to enjoy the same outcome: becoming a parent without losing friends or being made to feel like he crossed a line. That double standard hurts.

I also do not agree that "such is life" should excuse being dropped by people I supported and leaned on for years. I was one of them too. I sat in that same space of waiting and grief. I understand their pain. Empathy should go both ways.

It is possible to be devastated by your own loss without turning away from someone who has finally received the thing you both longed for. Grief does not have to come at the cost of kindness.

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But its not just the act of creating the child that your friends will be envious of. It is the fact that you will be pregnant, carrying a child, feeling it move, giving birth to it. Its THOSE things that they will be envious of and that happens to YOU, not your husband so its obvious that its you that will get most of the fallout. His part in it all is minimal. Surely you can see that?

And for what its worth I feel for you. I think it must be really difficult for you that this wonderful thing has happened to you and you want to celebrate it and share it with your friends. Empathy SHOULD go both ways. In a perfect world it would. But this isn't a perfect world and unfortunately those friends who were once in the same boat as you now find it difficult to be around you and to share your good news. I am not saying its right, I am saying in some ways I understand why they would want to distance themselves from you.

Not saying I would do the same thing. I have been in the position of being pregnant at the same time as a friend, both due within a few days of each other. Both went into labour days apart. My son died, her baby lived. For me, I was happy for her. I never made her feel guilt that her baby had lived and mine had not. I gave her a gift, I was happy for her and I cried for my loss behind closed doors. But not everyone can do that and I am sorry you feel upset and let down by them.

The 'such is life' was more aimed at the fact that we cannot control how other people act and what they do and how they feel and cope with their own emotions.

leakycauldron · 08/08/2025 18:48

All due to respect OP you are being massively unreasonable. I'm not sure why you can't see why your friends who are struggling to conceive would distance themselves from you.
It's nothing personal. It's self preservation.

You are getting your baby!

Did you really expect them to talk birthing options, names and gender reveals with you?
And then when you start complaining about sleepless nights and colic do you expect them to be sympathetic?

Best thing you can do is do an NCT course you will make new friends with babies due the same time as you. My DD is 9 and I still see our NCt friends regularly and the kids are my DDs oldest friends!

Keep the lines of communication open with your old friends. Message them and ask how they are but don't be offended if they don't message you first. They may come round they may not. Your life will drastically change once your baby arrives, sadly losing friends is all part of it!