Page 15 | to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

joyjoyw · 2025-08-08T16:53:47+00:00

I struggled with infertility for years. It was painful, isolating, and at times it felt like my body was betraying me. Along the way, I made a few close friendships with other women who were going through the same. We bonded over the grief, the tests, the waiting, the hope. But when I finally got pregnant, something I never even believed would happen, I was overjoyed, but also mindful. I didn’t make big announcements. I tried to be sensitive. But several of those women just cut me off, almost overnight. No explanation, no "I need space", just silence. It hurt deeply. What confuses me is that their anger or pain seemed to be directed only at me, the woman who got pregnant not at my husband. As if I did something to them personally. As if my pregnancy was a betrayal. But the men? Never held to account. No one stopped talking to my husband. I completely understand that grief and comparison can make people pull away. I know it's not always rational. I know what it feels like to watch others get what you’re desperately hoping for. But I never imagined that when it finally happened to me, I'd lose people I’d once leaned on. AIBU to feel like there’s something deeply unfair about how women carry so much of this emotional fallout, sometimes even punishing each other while men walk away untouched?

DysmalRadius · 08/08/2025 20:06

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 20:02

I can accept that I may no longer fit into certain conversations or shared experiences the way I once did. Life changes, and I understand that. But what I find hard to accept is the idea that basic respect no longer applies once someone becomes pregnant. I was not expecting emotional closeness or for everything to stay the same. I just hoped for some honesty. Silence is not politeness. It is avoidance.

As for the women still being friendly with my husband, this is not just a quick hello in passing. Some of them have gone out socially with their husbands and mine. They have had drinks, gone to events, chatted comfortably. That is not just being polite. That is being selective. I have been completely cut off, while my husband is still welcomed. That makes it feel even more personal.

Maybe men do experience infertility differently, but that should not make them exempt from emotional impact while women carry the weight of everyone's feelings. We become the reminder, the one who is quietly excluded, while men continue on with no fallout.

I am not trying to control how anyone copes. I just think it is fair to say it hurts to be shut out by people I cared about, while watching them still make space for my partner. That double standard is hard to ignore.

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Honestly, the more you describe the current situation where your husband and baby are invited out and you are specifically excluded, the more I think there may be more to than simply their struggle to cope with the impact of infertility. Has your husband never asked why you aren't included in social events? Is he just going along with your baby and colluding in your exclusion?

Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 20:05

DysmalRadius · 08/08/2025 20:01

But why? Why do you need them to tell you they're finding it hard? Surely, of all people, you should know that without them having to explicitly send you a message?

Your definition of friendship seems to involve them bearing their hurt to you, to whatever extent, so that you can be reassured that, as well as getting the baby you all want so much, your friendships are only changing because they are torn up by their ongoing struggles and their inability to be happy for you in spite of their pain.

It's admirable that you were able to maintain friendships with people that have been in their shoes, but if you can't understand that your hurt simply isn't their priority at the moment then that might explain why they haven't contacted you.

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I do not expect anyone to bare their soul to me. I am not asking for detailed confessions or emotional breakdowns. But yes, I do think a message saying, “I need some space,” or “This is hard for me right now,” is the bare minimum in a close friendship. That is not about needing reassurance—it is about basic respect.

Friendship does not mean pretending everything is fine. But it also should not mean disappearing completely without a word, especially from people I supported through their darkest times. I do not think it is unreasonable to feel hurt by that, even if I understand why they are struggling.

The idea that my hurt should not matter at all because I now have a baby is part of the problem. I can be grateful and still feel sad. I can understand their pain and still feel the sting of silence. Those things are not mutually exclusive.
I do not need my pain to be their priority. But I think it is fair to say that when someone you were close to cuts you off entirely, it leaves a mark. That is not about needing them to perform their grief for me. It is about the absence of basic communication in relationships I thought were meaningful.

Understanding someone’s pain does not mean your own feelings stop existing. That is all I am saying.

OP posts:

verycloakanddaggers · 08/08/2025 20:04

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 19:57

It is not just about the pregnancy though. It is about having a baby. Becoming a parent. That is what we were all hoping for - not just to be pregnant, but to have a child to raise and love.

Yes, I was the one who physically carried the pregnancy, but my partner is becoming a parent too. The outcome is the same for both of us. Yet no one distances themselves from him. They still chat, still invite him out, still act like nothing has changed. I am the only one who got completely shut out.

I am happy and deeply grateful, but that does not mean I cannot feel hurt. I supported friends during their highs and lows. I never made them feel like they had to disappear from my life when things changed for them.

Everyone is allowed to cope in their own way, but it does not mean the way they do it is without impact. I can respect their pain and still feel the loss of the friendships we had. This is not about blame. It is about acknowledging that it is not as simple as “be happy and move on.” People matter. Friendships matter. That is why this hurts.

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They've also lost the friendship, it isn't only you. Imagine how much they must have been hurting to give up a friendship just to avoid that hurt.

CottageGoblin · 08/08/2025 20:02

So no, it is not the same. But that is the point. Women carry both the baby and the emotional fallout. Men get to become parents without losing their social circle. That double standard is exactly what I am trying to talk about.

no. But this is true even of couples not going through infertility. There are plenty of threads on here about how the male partners life doesn’t really change.

Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 20:02

CottageGoblin · 08/08/2025 20:00

But you don’t fit into their group anymore OP.

You are allowed to feel how you feel, but you can only control your own actions and feelings.

I understand the injustice of it all, but it is strange and unusual that they are still friendly with your husband. I do think you’re misreading that as them maybe just being polite. I don’t really think men feel the same about infertility as women, for the husbands to still be friends with your DP.

I can accept that I may no longer fit into certain conversations or shared experiences the way I once did. Life changes, and I understand that. But what I find hard to accept is the idea that basic respect no longer applies once someone becomes pregnant. I was not expecting emotional closeness or for everything to stay the same. I just hoped for some honesty. Silence is not politeness. It is avoidance.

As for the women still being friendly with my husband, this is not just a quick hello in passing. Some of them have gone out socially with their husbands and mine. They have had drinks, gone to events, chatted comfortably. That is not just being polite. That is being selective. I have been completely cut off, while my husband is still welcomed. That makes it feel even more personal.

Maybe men do experience infertility differently, but that should not make them exempt from emotional impact while women carry the weight of everyone's feelings. We become the reminder, the one who is quietly excluded, while men continue on with no fallout.

I am not trying to control how anyone copes. I just think it is fair to say it hurts to be shut out by people I cared about, while watching them still make space for my partner. That double standard is hard to ignore.

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KimberleyClark · 08/08/2025 20:01

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 20:00

Of course it is not the same. Men do not get pregnant, and I am not pretending they do. But becoming a parent is not limited to pregnancy alone. My husband is also becoming a father. He was there through the years of trying, the heartbreak, the treatment, and the hope. He is just as much a part of this outcome.

What I find difficult is that people only seem to react emotionally to me. Friends still talk to him, invite him out, and spend time with him, even when he is with our baby. No one has distanced themselves from him. Meanwhile, I have been cut off completely by some of the same people.

So no, it is not the same. But that is the point. Women carry both the baby and the emotional fallout. Men get to become parents without losing their social circle. That double standard is exactly what I am trying to talk about.

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But you get the baby.

DysmalRadius · 08/08/2025 20:01

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 19:45

I’m not asking them to pour their hearts out or explain every detail of what they’re feeling. I get that it’s painful. I’ve been there. But a quick message like “I’m finding this really hard right now” would have been enough. That’s all. Just something that shows the friendship meant something.

When someone just disappears without a word, it does feel like rejection. It hurts. Especially when you’ve been through so much together and thought the connection ran deeper than just shared struggle.

I’m not expecting them to look after me emotionally. I just think basic honesty and respect should still matter, even when things are hard. I can understand their pain and still be hurt by the way it’s been handled. Both can be true.

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But why? Why do you need them to tell you they're finding it hard? Surely, of all people, you should know that without them having to explicitly send you a message?

Your definition of friendship seems to involve them bearing their hurt to you, to whatever extent, so that you can be reassured that, as well as getting the baby you all want so much, your friendships are only changing because they are torn up by their ongoing struggles and their inability to be happy for you in spite of their pain.

It's admirable that you were able to maintain friendships with people that have been in their shoes, but if you can't understand that your hurt simply isn't their priority at the moment then that might explain why they haven't contacted you.

Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 20:00

TheignT · 08/08/2025 19:48

Well men don't get pregnant so it isn't the same.

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Of course it is not the same. Men do not get pregnant, and I am not pretending they do. But becoming a parent is not limited to pregnancy alone. My husband is also becoming a father. He was there through the years of trying, the heartbreak, the treatment, and the hope. He is just as much a part of this outcome.

What I find difficult is that people only seem to react emotionally to me. Friends still talk to him, invite him out, and spend time with him, even when he is with our baby. No one has distanced themselves from him. Meanwhile, I have been cut off completely by some of the same people.

So no, it is not the same. But that is the point. Women carry both the baby and the emotional fallout. Men get to become parents without losing their social circle. That double standard is exactly what I am trying to talk about.

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verycloakanddaggers · 08/08/2025 20:00

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 19:45

I’m not asking them to pour their hearts out or explain every detail of what they’re feeling. I get that it’s painful. I’ve been there. But a quick message like “I’m finding this really hard right now” would have been enough. That’s all. Just something that shows the friendship meant something.

When someone just disappears without a word, it does feel like rejection. It hurts. Especially when you’ve been through so much together and thought the connection ran deeper than just shared struggle.

I’m not expecting them to look after me emotionally. I just think basic honesty and respect should still matter, even when things are hard. I can understand their pain and still be hurt by the way it’s been handled. Both can be true.

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But you understand why they feel they need to do this, can't you feel a little compassionate?

Would a text really make any difference?

Maybe you could work on mentally sending them compassionate thoughts, it's sad all round. They've also lost a friend, plus got their ongoing fertility sadness to deal with.

I just think basic honesty and respect should still matter, even when things are hard I don't think this is right at all, in this situation. 'Hard' doesn't really cover it.

CottageGoblin · 08/08/2025 20:00

But you don’t fit into their group anymore OP.

You are allowed to feel how you feel, but you can only control your own actions and feelings.

I understand the injustice of it all, but it is strange and unusual that they are still friendly with your husband. I do think you’re misreading that as them maybe just being polite. I don’t really think men feel the same about infertility as women, for the husbands to still be friends with your DP.

littleburn · 08/08/2025 19:59

Honestly OP, I’d just be grateful that I was lucky enough to have my baby and stop fixating on the loss of those friendships. Friends for a reason and friends for a season and all that. Presumably you have other friends without fertility issues?

Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 19:57

TheignT · 08/08/2025 19:53

You didn't get pregnant on your own but you were the one who was pregnant which is what they wanted to be.

Be happy you got what you wanted and leave other people to look after themselves the best way they can

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It is not just about the pregnancy though. It is about having a baby. Becoming a parent. That is what we were all hoping for - not just to be pregnant, but to have a child to raise and love.

Yes, I was the one who physically carried the pregnancy, but my partner is becoming a parent too. The outcome is the same for both of us. Yet no one distances themselves from him. They still chat, still invite him out, still act like nothing has changed. I am the only one who got completely shut out.

I am happy and deeply grateful, but that does not mean I cannot feel hurt. I supported friends during their highs and lows. I never made them feel like they had to disappear from my life when things changed for them.

Everyone is allowed to cope in their own way, but it does not mean the way they do it is without impact. I can respect their pain and still feel the loss of the friendships we had. This is not about blame. It is about acknowledging that it is not as simple as “be happy and move on.” People matter. Friendships matter. That is why this hurts.

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Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 19:56

Hankunamatata · 08/08/2025 19:48

But they aren't punishing you or other women. They are protecting themselves and their mental health.

Bit surprised you thought women you bonded with over infertility would be amazingly happy for you

I never expected them to be amazingly happy for me. I was not looking for cheering, gifts, or deep involvement in my pregnancy. I know how painful it can be to see someone else get what you are still hoping for. I have lived that feeling.

What I did not expect was silence. No message. No honesty. Just being quietly cut off by people I thought I had real, lasting friendships with. That is not just protecting their mental health — that is disappearing without a word. That hurts, and it is okay to say that.

If the bond was only ever about infertility, then fair enough. Maybe the friendship was always conditional and I did not realise it. But I showed up for people even when it was hard for me. I did not punish them for getting pregnant. I did not vanish.

Self-protection is valid. But so is grieving the loss of people who once meant a lot. Both things can be true at the same time.

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TheignT · 08/08/2025 19:53

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 18:02

I didn’t get pregnant on my own. My husband was just as much a part of it.

But none of the emotional fallout ever seems to land on the men. It's like the moment a woman shows a bump, she's the symbol of someone else’s pain, while the man who helped make that baby just fades into the background untouched.

I understand that seeing someone pregnant can be painful, but it still hurts that people I was close to could cut me off completely, as if I became the enemy for something we all wanted.

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You didn't get pregnant on your own but you were the one who was pregnant which is what they wanted to be.

Be happy you got what you wanted and leave other people to look after themselves the best way they can

verycloakanddaggers · 08/08/2025 19:49

Of course it's very sad when this happens, but come on it is understandable why it is more likely to be a woman-woman friendship that is affected.

FunnyOrca · 08/08/2025 19:49

I don’t know, I think it’s also because they were your friends. Together you were sharing an experience with them and then that changed.

My husband has a female friend who is on an IVF journey and he hasn’t heard from her since he told her we are expecting. Similarly, I have a friend who I have shared the conception struggle with and while we still text amicably (about non-baby things) she hasn’t wanted to meet up since I told her.

We have both lost a friend over it because we both had a friend going through it.

That being said, I have an older friend who sadly lost her chance to have children and has openly mourned this a couple of times to me. I broached my pregnancy just as carefully with her (and still make an effort not to talk about baby things) and she has taken it as fact and our friendship has survived in the same form, but our struggle to get pregnant was never the basis of the friendship.

waitingforpost · 08/08/2025 19:48

It's unrealistic to expect relationships to not change when people who shared the same struggle no longer do. It doesn't just happen with infertility.

TheignT · 08/08/2025 19:48

MemorableTrenchcoat · 08/08/2025 17:58

Why is it skewed? I can well believe some women can bitchy about this. They probably don’t do it to men because they wouldn’t understand/care.

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Well men don't get pregnant so it isn't the same.

Hankunamatata · 08/08/2025 19:48

But they aren't punishing you or other women. They are protecting themselves and their mental health.

Bit surprised you thought women you bonded with over infertility would be amazingly happy for you

waitingforpost · 08/08/2025 19:47

Did you make close friendships with the men on the fertility journey? Did you bond with them?

Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 19:45

DysmalRadius · 08/08/2025 19:43

So you understand their urge to distance themselves and you empathise with their devastation and can see why they might find it hard to be around you, but you really want them to explicitly describe that pain to you so that you don't feel rejected?

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I’m not asking them to pour their hearts out or explain every detail of what they’re feeling. I get that it’s painful. I’ve been there. But a quick message like “I’m finding this really hard right now” would have been enough. That’s all. Just something that shows the friendship meant something.

When someone just disappears without a word, it does feel like rejection. It hurts. Especially when you’ve been through so much together and thought the connection ran deeper than just shared struggle.

I’m not expecting them to look after me emotionally. I just think basic honesty and respect should still matter, even when things are hard. I can understand their pain and still be hurt by the way it’s been handled. Both can be true.

OP posts:

DysmalRadius · 08/08/2025 19:43

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 19:02

I have given them space. In fact, they made the decision to cut me off completely without a conversation or explanation. That is their right, but let’s not pretend I am the one failing to give space or show understanding. I have respected their choice, even though it was hurtful.

What I find hard to reconcile is that some of them still speak to my husband. So it is not about total distance or self protection. It feels selective, and yes, that stings. I am not asking for anything dramatic — just a bit of fairness in how the situation is seen. Protecting your mental health should not mean permanently freezing someone out without even a word.

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So you understand their urge to distance themselves and you empathise with their devastation and can see why they might find it hard to be around you, but you really want them to explicitly describe that pain to you so that you don't feel rejected?

Coconutter24 · 08/08/2025 19:43

FlyRedRobin · 08/08/2025 18:02

I was one of those women who waited for a baby for ten years. As you know it is irrational but I don't think they are mad at you personally. You being a woman is a reminder of what could have been for them. I think YABU because you've forgotten how it feels to be in that never ending waiting room waiting for your name to be called while every other woman's name has been called.
Infertility is something I'd never wish on my enemy. It's absolutely soul destroying.

People don’t just forget all the hurt and emotions they go through when they spend years trying for a baby so YABVU to say OP has forgotten how it feels

Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 19:41

dairydebris · 08/08/2025 19:34

I can see how this would smart. Losing loved friends.

Where would you rather be tho? Pregnant and lose a few friendships, or not pregnant with those friendships intact? I think you know they'd swap places with you in a heartbeat, and you wouldn't dream of swapping with them. You can extend them grace in this case.

Count your blessings basically. Maybe this is the price you pay for your baby.

Of course I would rather be pregnant than still in the thick of infertility. That does not mean I do not get to grieve the loss of friendships that mattered to me. It is not a choice between having a baby or having friends. I hoped I could have both.

Yes, I know some of them would swap places with me in a heartbeat. I do not take what I have for granted. But extending grace should go both ways. I extended it when I was the one left behind. I supported friends through their pregnancies even when it broke me. I did not walk away from them.

Telling someone to just “count their blessings” makes it sound like I should be quietly grateful and accept emotional loss as part of the deal. I do not think that is fair. My baby is not a trade for being treated like I no longer belong.

What strikes me most is that my husband pays no price for this. He is becoming a parent too, but no one has distanced themselves from him. His friendships are intact. No awkward silences, no disappearing acts. It is only women who carry the emotional cost of other people’s grief—on top of their own.

I can be deeply thankful and still feel hurt. Those two things can exist at the same time

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SunflowerLife · 08/08/2025 19:40

This is the third thread I've read today on this subject. What on earth is going on?