to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

Truthfully, having been someone who was (is) infertile and eventually had a baby, I think the problem is possibly you?

I was extremely sensitive with my pregnancy with my long standing friends who didn’t have children whether through circumstance or infertility. I knew if the shoe was on the other foot it would be a gut punch: the definition of happy for you, sad for me. I said as sensitively as I could that I knew this could be really difficult news and I knew that if they had to walk away for a little bit, then that was totally okay.

We are still really good friends.

Whilst my husband certainly found infertility to be very stressful and lonely at times, ultimately he wasn’t the one having his foof rummaged around and going through the side effects miserable failure after miserable failure. It is much “realer” for the partner undergoing the IVF.

It’s a bit like being broke flatmates in your 20s and one day someone has a flat purchased for them by a rich aunt, who then goes on to complain about the cost of renovations. Sometimes you’ve gotta read the room.

I got pregnant by accident when one of my closest friends had been TTC for years. She didn't ghost me or any other friend who got pregnant. She struggled so much but she carried on being a good friend to everyone and us with her. She is truly a good person. I later went on to have several miscarriages so had some semblance of that pain but I did get my children in the end, she never got hers. It is really unfair and really painful so I can understand how some people cannot deal with it and I wouldn't take it personally OP. I know I would have found it incredibly hard and I think my life probably wouldn't be where I am now if I'd not had my children. Try and put yourself in their shoes. The thing they wanted most in the world you've got. The reason you became friends was because you were in the same boat but now you're not. Forgive them and move on with your life. Be happy that you've got what you wanted.

Men suffer from infertility as well. Perhaps they feel the same when their friends announce they are to become a father?

This says it all.

OP, could it be that they have a more superficial relationship with your partner? Whereas they know that you have more of a direct insight into how they feel when they politely say hi to your baby and ask how its going? That polite chit chat disguising all the pain. Before they go home to have a cry because they just got their period again. They will feel completely exposed by that knowledge you have. Please respect that they need space and don't want to open up a dialogue by being honest with you.

It's not about you.

The pregnant friends were hard to be around. It was a constant reminder of how my body betrayed me. My failure as a woman. My inability to do what others did so easily. Fuck me just being was hard. There are pregnant people everywhere you look when your TTC. It's like they come out in flocks to taunt you.

The bigger problem was how I felt about myself. The jealousy and self loathing. I'd look at a pregnant woman and I'd feel jealous, angry, sad and I would hate myself for it. What a nasty bastard I was that I couldn't be happy for other people even those I loved. The self loathing.

I had fertility counselling. My counselling said that each failed treatment is similar to a bereavement. I had 2 fresh cycles and 6 frozen cycles. I had two miscarriages both twin pregnancies. I had 2 D&C. I had a terrible pregnancy with my first. Then a terrible labour and emergency csection. The trauma doesn't go away. I have 2 kids now and that trauma is still a part of me.

My friendships have stood the test of time because my friends gave me grace. I didn't meet my BFs baby until he was 1. I couldn't do it. They understood and never judged me for it. I never went to a baby shower then and I won't go now. I also didn't have one.

To me this seems more than a little disingenuous but I will try and explain why these women are not reacting the same way to both you and your husband. When a man's partner becomes pregnant, no part of said pregnancy is happening in his body. His stomach is not expanding, the baby is not kicking him, he's not experiencing morning sickness or cravings or anything like that. He's not going to go through labour. When the baby is born, he's not going to be a mother. Thus, he is not a walking reminder of what I cannot do. It does not matter one tiny bit that there are many aspects of parenting that can be done by either parent. Not one bit. I am a woman, therefore the female role in pregnancy and childbirth is the one I was hoping to fulfill. And as it is the one I cannot fulfill, I am never going to be able to look at a pregnant woman, or a woman with a child, and not wonder why she deserves to be a mother and I do not. And that's on a good day.

You can say that it's not a reasonable position to have and I'd agree with you because it's not about deserving or not deserving. I am doing whatever I need to in order to bear this pain, just as any woman in my situation is. My advice to you is to stop trying to rationalise it and work towards acceptance.

Honestly, I'd focus on the joy of your pregnancy (congratulations by the way!) and not any of the negative stuff. The misery around infertility isn't logical.

How are these social events happening with your husband? Are they arranged events or is he just bumping into them? Seems odd for him to go on his own if they are arranged, why are you not going with him, maybe that is needed for you to break the ice? Even if it means getting a babysitter. I also suffered infertility a long time ago, I got my family but I have never really got over six years of trying, I did find it hard when friends fell pregnant easily, I’ll admit I lost a good friend, her insensitivity or mine, who knows, but I also had a friend who I met on our IVF journey, who did gradually disappear, I get it was hard for her and I think she withdrew but I understand.

I’ve been through infertility too. I know how painful it is. You don't know their pain because you have a different ending.

Not sure why you're blaming men for the behaviour of women.

OP you’re quite obviously not prepared to listen to what others are saying, so I’m not sure why you posted here.

There is a huge and obvious difference between a woman falling pregnant and the impact of that on women suffering with infertility, and a man. If you truly can’t understand that then I don’t know what to tell you.

Not everybody feels able to do the “I’m finding this hard so taking a step back etc” and they don’t owe you that- they are protecting themselves, that is okay.

And yes you may also have previously suffered infertility but you got your baby, you got your happy ending, and that does change everything.

I've never been through infertility and I can understand why they would be cool towards you and not your husband. Why can't you?

This too. Why is allowing them to exclude you while he and the baby go off to see these so-called friends?

But they've lost your friendship, they have given up that.

I can't fathom why you don't understand.

And tbh what’s worse is your husbands lack of support of you, by not calling out their behaviour

I don’t want to come across as insensitive, but you mention you have made friends through your infertility journey. That was the topic that bound you together, and you are now not a part of that circle. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you were ‘dropped’ as a friend out of jealousy or spite because you are pregnant / had a baby, you just don’t fit in to that group anymore. As to the men. Respectfully, these are your friends? So why would they have anything to do with your husband in the first place?

Whose friend were they first? Were they yours or your husbands?

Well they were never really your friends then, OP

Everything about having a baby is about the woman. Everything. It's the woman who can or cannot be pregnant, it's the woman who carries a baby, births, breastfeeds, does majority of the caring, takes a massive hit in career and social life etc etc. My DH is a good partner but his life has not been impacted the way mine has. Not even close.

You come across as being very lacking in empathy and utterly determined that these women, who are suffering a pain that you are not any longer, are punishing you. They are not, they are protectng themselves. You don't like how they have gone about it but you could try and see things from their point of view.

I don't know you posted in AIBU as you are quite certain you are not.

You are very much not unreasonable -anger at women - for getting promotions/opportunities, what they wear, whether they wear make up or not, if they want decent customer service, for being in an affair, for having children or not having children - is massively disproportionate. Its a method of social control to keep women in their place. What is is focused on is almost irrelevant. I am sorry this is happening to you.

I think you are being unreasonable essentially wanting your husband to get the same bad treatment as you because he got you pregnant. Niether a man or a woman should be made to pay the emotional price for someone elses pain. After all it isn't either of your faults they didn't get their babies.

I'm sure you didn't mean to come off this way and it's coming from a place of hurt which is understandable but honestly all the blame lies with the women (your former friends) that are caused this issue by unreasonably cutting you off because your story went differently to theirs. They should treat you how they'd have liked to be treated should a pregnancy happen for them, I'm sorry they have done this to you. My advice? Have a good cry about it absolutely grieve the loss of the friendships but then forget those idiots, if they can cut you off over this they wasn't good friends anyway.

Congratulations and good luck on the rest of your pregnancy (I'm also newly pregnant too) and hope you make lots of lovely mum friends in the future.