Page 13 | to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

joyjoyw · 2025-08-08T16:53:47+00:00

I struggled with infertility for years. It was painful, isolating, and at times it felt like my body was betraying me. Along the way, I made a few close friendships with other women who were going through the same. We bonded over the grief, the tests, the waiting, the hope. But when I finally got pregnant, something I never even believed would happen, I was overjoyed, but also mindful. I didn’t make big announcements. I tried to be sensitive. But several of those women just cut me off, almost overnight. No explanation, no "I need space", just silence. It hurt deeply. What confuses me is that their anger or pain seemed to be directed only at me, the woman who got pregnant not at my husband. As if I did something to them personally. As if my pregnancy was a betrayal. But the men? Never held to account. No one stopped talking to my husband. I completely understand that grief and comparison can make people pull away. I know it's not always rational. I know what it feels like to watch others get what you’re desperately hoping for. But I never imagined that when it finally happened to me, I'd lose people I’d once leaned on. AIBU to feel like there’s something deeply unfair about how women carry so much of this emotional fallout, sometimes even punishing each other while men walk away untouched?

Pasithean · 08/08/2025 21:21

It was the opposite for me I lost my friend group as they each got pregnant

ScruffyTrouserMindFlip · 08/08/2025 21:17

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 20:48

I get that some people cut ties because a friend was insensitive. That does happen. But that is not what happened here. I went out of my way to be considerate. I did not make big announcements, I did not go on about the pregnancy, and I was very careful not to bring baby talk into conversations unless someone asked.

My husband and I were both part of these friendships. If I had genuinely done something thoughtless or hurtful, I doubt they would be fine spending time with him. That is what makes the silence toward me feel personal.

I do understand what they are going through. I’ve been there. I cried through other people’s pregnancies while still turning up for them. I’m not asking for full involvement or emotional support. I just think a simple message saying “this is hard for me” would have been better than disappearing without a word.
You’re reading a lot into my tone based on one post

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It doesn't matter how sensitive you were, or how just / unjust, sexist or not they are being. They are unable to react the way you want them too - they're not trying to be nasty to you, but they don't want to have to deal with the hurt of you being pregnant, on top of all the other painful emotions they are already experiencing. YABU to try and dictate to them how they "should" feel or act. Even if you think you could have maintained a friendship if the roles were reversed, this clearly isn't the case for them. Count your blessings and move on. You will undoubtedly make new "mum" friends over the next few years anyway.

username2373 · 08/08/2025 21:14

I went to hospital full term pregnant and then was told the saddest news imaginable and came back home to arrange a baby funeral.

That year we had so many new mums (some colleagues, and wives of colleagues) walking in the office with a baby in their arms - I don’t even remember, as I was in a fog, and I would’ve never expected it of myself but I just blanked them/ hid in the toilets. I’m sure they felt I was very unfair, border line rude, weird - it was irrational.
It did also influence some of my friendships in a different way. Their kids were already grown but I think they just found me a bit too miserable for too long to hang around.

NaughtyTortieOwner00 · 08/08/2025 21:10

As for the women still being friendly with my husband, this is not just a quick hello in passing. Some of them have gone out socially with their husbands and mine. They have had drinks, gone to events, chatted comfortably. That is not just being polite. That is being selective. I have been completely cut off, while my husband is still welcomed. That makes it feel even more personal.

So they are happy to go out with your DH and baby but not you.

I could find reasons for that and I expect you've found many on your own - but honestly it doesn't really matter.

It is excluding just you and it pretty shit for you and I suspect perhaps they weren't close friends but felt closer becasue of the shared experiences. I'd try and find new social group and hope this one and your DH get more distant with time - which TBH I'd be a bit surpised if they keep excluding you that wouldn't naturally happen.

Mrsttcno1 · 08/08/2025 21:06

The more you respond OP the more obvious it becomes why they were not able to continue a friendship I’m afraid.

You really seem to be lacking in understanding, massively. You’ve been told here by multiple people what the issue is, explained, but yet you still only want to stick to what you think.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/08/2025 21:04

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 20:53

I am not blaming men. I am pointing out a pattern. When a woman in an infertility circle gets pregnant, she is often the one who gets cut off, avoided, or resented. Meanwhile, her partner, who is also becoming a parent, is still welcomed, still invited, still spoken to like nothing has changed.

That is not about blaming men. It is about asking why the emotional fallout of someone else's grief so often lands only on women. Why is it the pregnant woman who becomes the symbol of pain, while her partner keeps his friendships with no awkwardness or distance?

Edited

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Because the men don't have what they desperately want. They want to be pregnant, to be a pregnant woman. A man with functional sperm cells is not what they want to be, so it's not got the same visceral pain that seeing a pregnant woman, a breastfeeding woman, a woman with a baby causes them.

They're not looking at the father thinking 'Why him and not me?'.

TheTwitcher11 · 08/08/2025 21:03

Snorlaxo · 08/08/2025 20:57

I was ready to say YABU until I saw your update that the men and women are hanging out with your husband and baby as if that was the way it always was.

Has your h ever spoken to you about how you feel about him socialising and seeing your old friends? If I was your h, I would have also drifted away from these people for pretending that you didn’t exist any more.

I totally understand why they ghosted you. You say that you would have been happy with a goodbye message but many people who received such a message would want the opportunity to explain their side which the ghoster doesn’t want because they don’t want to talk about their jealousy and pain. They know that your pregnancy isn’t personal but they don’t want to say that it’s not fair and they can’t cope. There’s nothing that you can say or do to make things better and they don’t want to be the one to say what they are really thinking like the sight of you triggers them.

I also understand why they ghosted her - they probably thought the conversation is too difficult to have and they know they sound irrational. Also, reality is, their relationship would be v different with OP once she became a mum as it’s all consuming - for the first few years of the child’s life you speak about little else as they are so dependent on you and your life is naps / bottles/ potty training etc. It wouldn’t be fair on OP to feel she couldn’t speak about her child or on her friends to pretend they want to hear about it! I think it’s easy to say ‘just be honest’ but truth is if they were, they’d only be labelled horrible and bitter.

Fairyliz · 08/08/2025 21:00

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 18:02

I didn’t get pregnant on my own. My husband was just as much a part of it.

But none of the emotional fallout ever seems to land on the men. It's like the moment a woman shows a bump, she's the symbol of someone else’s pain, while the man who helped make that baby just fades into the background untouched.

I understand that seeing someone pregnant can be painful, but it still hurts that people I was close to could cut me off completely, as if I became the enemy for something we all wanted.

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Could have been your husband’s or your lovers or a sperm doners, but it’s definitely yours.

steff13 · 08/08/2025 20:58

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 20:53

I am not blaming men. I am pointing out a pattern. When a woman in an infertility circle gets pregnant, she is often the one who gets cut off, avoided, or resented. Meanwhile, her partner, who is also becoming a parent, is still welcomed, still invited, still spoken to like nothing has changed.

That is not about blaming men. It is about asking why the emotional fallout of someone else's grief so often lands only on women. Why is it the pregnant woman who becomes the symbol of pain, while her partner keeps his friendships with no awkwardness or distance?

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This is not a pattern with anyone that I have ever heard of in real life.

If Mike and Susie are friends with John and Jane, and Susie decides she doesn't like Jane anymore, they don't keep inviting John around to hang out. And if they did, John certainly wouldn't go.

Snorlaxo · 08/08/2025 20:57

I was ready to say YABU until I saw your update that the men and women are hanging out with your husband and baby as if that was the way it always was.

Has your h ever spoken to you about how you feel about him socialising and seeing your old friends? If I was your h, I would have also drifted away from these people for pretending that you didn’t exist any more.

I totally understand why they ghosted you. You say that you would have been happy with a goodbye message but many people who received such a message would want the opportunity to explain their side which the ghoster doesn’t want because they don’t want to talk about their jealousy and pain. They know that your pregnancy isn’t personal but they don’t want to say that it’s not fair and they can’t cope. There’s nothing that you can say or do to make things better and they don’t want to be the one to say what they are really thinking like the sight of you triggers them.

applegingermint · 08/08/2025 20:57

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 20:49

I am glad your friendships survived that moment. Truly. That kind of honesty and care goes a long way, and it sounds like your friends respected you for how you handled it.

But I was sensitive too. I did not make big announcements, I did not bring up baby talk unless asked, and I never expected anyone to celebrate with me. I never forgot what it was like to be in their shoes. I gave people space. What I did not get was the same respect back—just silence.

If someone had said, “This is hard, I need some distance,” I would have completely understood. I did not expect constant contact or support. I just didn’t expect to be dropped with no explanation, while those same friends still chat to my husband and meet up with him. That is not about me being insensitive or complaining about “renovation costs.” That is about being erased while someone else stays fully included.

I agree that the physical side of infertility hits differently. I went through it. I know. But I do not think it’s fair to suggest men weren’t emotionally involved or that their experience doesn’t count just because they weren’t the ones being prodded and injected. My husband was there for every part of it—mentally, emotionally, and physically. Yet no one cut him off. That’s the double standard I’m talking about.

This isn’t about not reading the room. It’s about grieving the loss of people I cared about, even when I tried my best to be respectful. You got to keep your friendships. I didn’t.

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Why are you using Chat GPT to write your responses?

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 08/08/2025 20:56

SomethingFun · 08/08/2025 19:11

I’m prepared for some nasty comments but dropping friends because you can’t have a child and they can is absolutely bullshit. No one, however much they want one, is owed a child and it’s not fair on yourself and others to put yourself through all this emotional turmoil over it. I genuinely don’t understand why women do this to themselves.

You obviously don't understand infertility and the pain of it. 🤷

TheTwitcher11 · 08/08/2025 20:56

Wiltingasparagusfern · 08/08/2025 20:52

Being in pain - even very deep pain - is not an excuse for being cruel to a friend, and it is cruel to cut someone off without an explanation, and it’s cruel that they still talk to your husband.

Question - Do you think it would be fair if these ladies were more honest/ forthcoming by just admitting that they found it triggering and as a result, would be distancing themselves from OP?

Reportedex · 08/08/2025 20:55

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 20:53

I am not blaming men. I am pointing out a pattern. When a woman in an infertility circle gets pregnant, she is often the one who gets cut off, avoided, or resented. Meanwhile, her partner, who is also becoming a parent, is still welcomed, still invited, still spoken to like nothing has changed.

That is not about blaming men. It is about asking why the emotional fallout of someone else's grief so often lands only on women. Why is it the pregnant woman who becomes the symbol of pain, while her partner keeps his friendships with no awkwardness or distance?

Edited

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Why is your husband letting these couples exclude you? Why is he taking himself and your baby to events that you’re being deliberately excluded from ?

Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 20:53

Jc2001 · 08/08/2025 20:14

Not sure why you're blaming men for the behaviour of women.

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I am not blaming men. I am pointing out a pattern. When a woman in an infertility circle gets pregnant, she is often the one who gets cut off, avoided, or resented. Meanwhile, her partner, who is also becoming a parent, is still welcomed, still invited, still spoken to like nothing has changed.

That is not about blaming men. It is about asking why the emotional fallout of someone else's grief so often lands only on women. Why is it the pregnant woman who becomes the symbol of pain, while her partner keeps his friendships with no awkwardness or distance?

OP posts:

TheTwitcher11 · 08/08/2025 20:53

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 18:26

I understand that it is me who is physically pregnant, but I did not create this child alone. My partner was part of every step. The pregnancy might be happening in my body, but it was our journey. Yet none of the emotional fallout ever lands on him.

It is always the woman who becomes the reminder, the one people cut off, avoid, or quietly resent. He gets to enjoy the same outcome: becoming a parent without losing friends or being made to feel like he crossed a line. That double standard hurts.

I also do not agree that "such is life" should excuse being dropped by people I supported and leaned on for years. I was one of them too. I sat in that same space of waiting and grief. I understand their pain. Empathy should go both ways.

It is possible to be devastated by your own loss without turning away from someone who has finally received the thing you both longed for. Grief does not have to come at the cost of kindness.

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But are these friends also friends with your husband?

Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 20:52

FlyRedRobin · 08/08/2025 20:49

I'm still in disbelief how not understanding you are. Kindness does go a long way, OP. and being kind is understanding why these ladies are hurting now. You only think of yourself.

I do understand why they are hurting. I’ve been there. I know how hard it is to watch someone else get what you are still hoping for. I’ve felt that grief, that jealousy, and that feeling of being left behind.

But kindness goes both ways. I never expected anyone to be overjoyed for me. I never pushed my news in anyone’s face. I was careful, quiet, and tried to be sensitive. What I did not expect was complete silence from people I supported for years—while they still talk to my husband like nothing has changed.

You say I only think of myself, but I have thought of them the whole time. That’s why this hurts. I cared about them. I still do. But caring about someone else should not mean my feelings no longer matter. I’m not asking for anyone to put me first—I’m just saying it’s painful to be shut out completely by people I thought were true friends.

You can understand someone’s pain and still feel sad about how they’ve treated you. Both things can be true.

OP posts:

Wiltingasparagusfern · 08/08/2025 20:52

Being in pain - even very deep pain - is not an excuse for being cruel to a friend, and it is cruel to cut someone off without an explanation, and it’s cruel that they still talk to your husband.

Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 20:51

verycloakanddaggers · 08/08/2025 20:15

I’ve been through infertility too. I know how painful it is. You don't know their pain because you have a different ending.

Edited

I get where you’re coming from, but saying I don’t know their pain just because my story ended differently isn’t fair.

I’ve been through infertility too. The negative tests, the failed cycles, the constant waiting and hoping. I lived all of that. Just because I eventually had a baby doesn’t mean I forgot what that pain feels like. It stays with you.
Of course our situations are different now. I’m not pretending they’re the same.

But it doesn’t mean I suddenly stopped understanding. It also doesn’t mean I can’t feel hurt when people I stood by for years cut me off without a word.

Different endings don’t erase shared experiences.

OP posts:

Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 20:49

applegingermint · 08/08/2025 20:42

Truthfully, having been someone who was (is) infertile and eventually had a baby, I think the problem is possibly you?

I was extremely sensitive with my pregnancy with my long standing friends who didn’t have children whether through circumstance or infertility. I knew if the shoe was on the other foot it would be a gut punch: the definition of happy for you, sad for me. I said as sensitively as I could that I knew this could be really difficult news and I knew that if they had to walk away for a little bit, then that was totally okay.

We are still really good friends.

Whilst my husband certainly found infertility to be very stressful and lonely at times, ultimately he wasn’t the one having his foof rummaged around and going through the side effects miserable failure after miserable failure. It is much “realer” for the partner undergoing the IVF.

It’s a bit like being broke flatmates in your 20s and one day someone has a flat purchased for them by a rich aunt, who then goes on to complain about the cost of renovations. Sometimes you’ve gotta read the room.

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I am glad your friendships survived that moment. Truly. That kind of honesty and care goes a long way, and it sounds like your friends respected you for how you handled it.

But I was sensitive too. I did not make big announcements, I did not bring up baby talk unless asked, and I never expected anyone to celebrate with me. I never forgot what it was like to be in their shoes. I gave people space. What I did not get was the same respect back—just silence.

If someone had said, “This is hard, I need some distance,” I would have completely understood. I did not expect constant contact or support. I just didn’t expect to be dropped with no explanation, while those same friends still chat to my husband and meet up with him. That is not about me being insensitive or complaining about “renovation costs.” That is about being erased while someone else stays fully included.

I agree that the physical side of infertility hits differently. I went through it. I know. But I do not think it’s fair to suggest men weren’t emotionally involved or that their experience doesn’t count just because they weren’t the ones being prodded and injected. My husband was there for every part of it—mentally, emotionally, and physically. Yet no one cut him off. That’s the double standard I’m talking about.

This isn’t about not reading the room. It’s about grieving the loss of people I cared about, even when I tried my best to be respectful. You got to keep your friendships. I didn’t.

OP posts:

Jellywobbles2 · 08/08/2025 20:49

I’d imagine the
women weren’t as close with your dh anyway?

it’s sad as you spent so much time with them but they’re essentially a support group for infertile people and situational friends. It would be nice to think they like you enough after all those years to be happy and get on board but seeing you now pregnant will be triggering.

congratulations on your news though! Time to join a pregnancy group / nct and be with people who will be excited to be on the same journey as you!!

We all hope we will make life long friends but often friends come and go, and that’s okay. You can close the door on the stressful chapter of your life and open yourself up to being a mum, you’re very lucky.

FlyRedRobin · 08/08/2025 20:49

I'm still in disbelief how not understanding you are. Kindness does go a long way, OP. and being kind is understanding why these ladies are hurting now. You only think of yourself.

Original poster

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 20:48

FunnyRaven · 08/08/2025 20:42

Not trying to be rude but have you ever thought that it maybe it’s a reflection on you. I know someone in the trenches of infertility who stopped speaking to her friend when her friend fell pregnant - not because she couldn’t cope with her pregnancy or was ‘being bitchy’ but because her pregnant friend was just inconsiderate towards her situation and she was better off without her, husband was kind and sensitive, Also you should be able to understand what your friend is going through, based on your tone I can see what she’s distanced herself, sorry.

I get that some people cut ties because a friend was insensitive. That does happen. But that is not what happened here. I went out of my way to be considerate. I did not make big announcements, I did not go on about the pregnancy, and I was very careful not to bring baby talk into conversations unless someone asked.

My husband and I were both part of these friendships. If I had genuinely done something thoughtless or hurtful, I doubt they would be fine spending time with him. That is what makes the silence toward me feel personal.

I do understand what they are going through. I’ve been there. I cried through other people’s pregnancies while still turning up for them. I’m not asking for full involvement or emotional support. I just think a simple message saying “this is hard for me” would have been better than disappearing without a word.
You’re reading a lot into my tone based on one post

OP posts:

Jc2001 · 08/08/2025 20:48

verycloakanddaggers · 08/08/2025 20:15

I’ve been through infertility too. I know how painful it is. You don't know their pain because you have a different ending.

Edited

Well she still went through it and at the time she didn't know it would have the ending it did.

FunnyRaven · 08/08/2025 20:42

Not trying to be rude but have you ever thought that it maybe it’s a reflection on you. I know someone in the trenches of infertility who stopped speaking to her friend when her friend fell pregnant - not because she couldn’t cope with her pregnancy or was ‘being bitchy’ but because her pregnant friend was just inconsiderate towards her situation and she was better off without her, husband was kind and sensitive, Also you should be able to understand what your friend is going through, based on your tone I can see what she’s distanced herself, sorry.