Page 11 | to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

joyjoyw · 2025-08-08T16:53:47+00:00

I struggled with infertility for years. It was painful, isolating, and at times it felt like my body was betraying me. Along the way, I made a few close friendships with other women who were going through the same. We bonded over the grief, the tests, the waiting, the hope. But when I finally got pregnant, something I never even believed would happen, I was overjoyed, but also mindful. I didn’t make big announcements. I tried to be sensitive. But several of those women just cut me off, almost overnight. No explanation, no "I need space", just silence. It hurt deeply. What confuses me is that their anger or pain seemed to be directed only at me, the woman who got pregnant not at my husband. As if I did something to them personally. As if my pregnancy was a betrayal. But the men? Never held to account. No one stopped talking to my husband. I completely understand that grief and comparison can make people pull away. I know it's not always rational. I know what it feels like to watch others get what you’re desperately hoping for. But I never imagined that when it finally happened to me, I'd lose people I’d once leaned on. AIBU to feel like there’s something deeply unfair about how women carry so much of this emotional fallout, sometimes even punishing each other while men walk away untouched?

Adultautismdiagnosis · 09/08/2025 09:29

Fimofriend · 09/08/2025 09:04

I wasn't bitchy to women with children when I was going through infertility treatments either. I was very surprised that some people were careful not to tell me news about their children or new pregnancies, because why would I not be happy for them? The fact that I later had two children does not negate the fact that I did not make my infertility into other people's problem. I was kind to and happy for our friends with kids. Then again, I never did suffer from main character syndrome.

I can see that a lot of women going through infertility treatments do indeed treat it as a wonderful excuse to be absolutely nasty to everyone around them. That does not mean that it is acceptable behaviour.

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It's not being bitchy to distance yourself when you're in extreme pain. Main character syndrome has absolutely nothing to do with it.

KimberleyClark · 09/08/2025 09:15

Fimofriend · 09/08/2025 09:04

I wasn't bitchy to women with children when I was going through infertility treatments either. I was very surprised that some people were careful not to tell me news about their children or new pregnancies, because why would I not be happy for them? The fact that I later had two children does not negate the fact that I did not make my infertility into other people's problem. I was kind to and happy for our friends with kids. Then again, I never did suffer from main character syndrome.

I can see that a lot of women going through infertility treatments do indeed treat it as a wonderful excuse to be absolutely nasty to everyone around them. That does not mean that it is acceptable behaviour.

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It also seems to me that some - not all - women going through infertility treatment and are successful seem to lose all empathy for those who are not. I suppose it is understandable in many ways, you just want to forget everything you went through and just be a normal new mum, but if you are one of the unlucky ones who never get their miracle, it cal leave a nasty taste in the mouth.

Welliesandtweed · 09/08/2025 09:08

My male friends never had baby bumps for me to see, so it wasn't painful to see them.

It's not about you. It's about your situation being a reminder of what they can't have.

freakyfriday23 · 09/08/2025 09:06

YABVVU OP. You say you understand but in truth i think it is the opposite. Tbh I view you as a bit of a traitor op One would think you had never experienced infertility. Oh how some women forget the minute they have a successful implantation. You are a disappointment to the sisterhood IMHO. I would get it immediately. I've been there. A true friend would understand. I get why you are hurt, you miss them but at the end of the day you are pg whilst they aren't.

piccalili · 09/08/2025 09:05

I think the problem is actually your DH … as if your friends have completely ghosted you - then why has he still been continuing involvement with them?

Fimofriend · 09/08/2025 09:04

Adultautismdiagnosis · 08/08/2025 17:56

With all due respect, your perception is skewed because you got your baby in the end.

I wasn't bitchy to women with children when I was going through infertility treatments either. I was very surprised that some people were careful not to tell me news about their children or new pregnancies, because why would I not be happy for them? The fact that I later had two children does not negate the fact that I did not make my infertility into other people's problem. I was kind to and happy for our friends with kids. Then again, I never did suffer from main character syndrome.

I can see that a lot of women going through infertility treatments do indeed treat it as a wonderful excuse to be absolutely nasty to everyone around them. That does not mean that it is acceptable behaviour.

RobinEllacotStrike · 09/08/2025 08:55

Women sharing the experience of infertility in support, are hardly going to be the women who will be a support group when one of the group gets pregnant.

it doesn’t make sense & I doubt it’s personal

Ella31 · 09/08/2025 08:25

joyjoyw · 09/08/2025 08:13

I am so sorry Ella that you lost your twin boys. That is absolutely heartbreaking,

I don't find the comments helpful either once a baby comes,

I already gave birth a child that died. So people telling me I now have my baby are acting like I have no idea of the pain.

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So sorry Joyjoyw about your beautiful baby. Yes, the comments about " well you have a baby now, so you are fine now" actually compounded my grief even more and I ended up needing more counselling as I felt so withdrawn because after their sibling was born, I was very down. I felt guilty for my sons and a bad mother to my new baby but seeing the milestones my sons never reached and my rainbow hitting them, was so painful. But people didn't care and effectively ignored that we are still grieving. Being told at least I'm fertile was horrible and unfair. I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone but burying two babies within a week of each was traumatising and still is. We also had to remove one of our sons off life support so I've learnt never to judge anyone no matter where they are on the fertility scale. You never know what's going on all the time. It's unbelievably hard on everyone who struggles

I hope you are doing ok now @joyjoyw in regards to your loss. Just take a step back as I said earlier, anyone who is struggling to get pregnant has the right to distance themselves and it isn't your fault but they do need the space too. People will come back to you eventually or they might not. But its something we have to acknowledge they need.

CottageGoblin · 09/08/2025 08:20

How’s about say something to her like “joyjoyw hasn’t heard from you?”
”is everything ok with joyjoyw?” Or “my wife misses you”
theres lots of things he could do in support of you.
and lots of posters have mentioned your lack of DH support, which you’ve not really addressed.

I agree with a pp. their behaviour isn’t typical. It’s just this friend group. And they don’t sound like good friends

KimberleyClark · 09/08/2025 08:19

joyjoyw · 09/08/2025 08:13

I am so sorry Ella that you lost your twin boys. That is absolutely heartbreaking,

I don't find the comments helpful either once a baby comes,

I already gave birth a child that died. So people telling me I now have my baby are acting like I have no idea of the pain.

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I’m really sorry, I didn’t know you had already lost a baby when I commented.

Original poster

joyjoyw · 09/08/2025 08:17

CottageGoblin · 09/08/2025 08:13

Why has it taken so long to get support on this from your DH, considering how much you’re hurting?

What was he supposed to say to his friend when he went over to watch football? Tell his wife to get out of the house and not talk to him?

They went to a football match and she was there too. Should he have come home? He wasn't expecting her to be there.

OP posts:

CottageGoblin · 09/08/2025 08:13

Why has it taken so long to get support on this from your DH, considering how much you’re hurting?

Original poster

joyjoyw · 09/08/2025 08:13

Ella31 · 09/08/2025 00:03

It's all relative. I definitely don't think some of the "well you got your baby" comments are helpful. My twin sons died at birth 20 months ago. One boy stillborn and his brother died in my arms 4 days later. They were supposed to be our rainbow after two miscarriages. I did have my rainbow eventually but its horrible being told well you got pregnant. Yeah except the price we paid is that our two precious sons are in a grave and we will never get over it. I'm not in competition with anyone who lost a child or can't conceive. Grief is grief and I respect that.

Op, people will distance themselves with loss and infertility because its so painful and obviously if you are pregnant , its very tough on that person. You need to respect that. I dont think its thst they are blaming the woman. It's just that a woman is visibly pregnant. I avoided pregnant women like the plague when my boys died. I was so sad. I cant even stay in the same space as twins these days without being overwhelmed.

I am so sorry Ella that you lost your twin boys. That is absolutely heartbreaking,

I don't find the comments helpful either once a baby comes,

I already gave birth a child that died. So people telling me I now have my baby are acting like I have no idea of the pain.

OP posts:

Original poster

joyjoyw · 09/08/2025 08:09

DrFoxtrot · 09/08/2025 01:20

It’s a difficult situation and I don’t think either side are unreasonable. I can understand why the other women may keep their distance but also why you’d feel hurt. Your feelings are valid.

it might be helpful to work out how to move forward and leave the friendships behind for good. And I would include considering not contacting them if they reach out to you. You also have to protect your mental health, like they are doing, and you are not an object to be put down and picked up again when it suits people. In your shoes, I would also consider whether DH would be best creating some distance too, in support of your situation.

This is good balanced advice.

I have left the friendships behind. I will not respond if they reach out to me. One did when she finally had a baby but I am not happy to be picked up and dropped when it suits as you mentioned.

I talked to DH and he will be not be seeing the friends anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

joyjoyw · 09/08/2025 08:06

DashboardConfession · 09/08/2025 01:27

I tried this but the AI bot, I mean OP, said that the husbands in this particular group don't avoid her H so it doesn't happen!

Honestly OP, if this is in fact a real POV - "the woman gets cut off and not the man" is not a general thing, it's just your group of friends. For all we know they're a bunch of horrible women in the first place.

Edited

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If you think I am an AI bot, why reply then?

OP posts:

Original poster

joyjoyw · 09/08/2025 08:05

verycloakanddaggers · 08/08/2025 22:36

Nothing has been erased, but your paths diverged very widely.

Grieve it, but also understand why they did it.

You don't sound like you care for them really, just angry.

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I have no anger at all towards them.

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Adultautismdiagnosis · 09/08/2025 06:27

Pasithean · 08/08/2025 21:21

It was the opposite for me I lost my friend group as they each got pregnant

Me too

TheTwitcher11 · 09/08/2025 01:29

Ella31 · 09/08/2025 00:03

It's all relative. I definitely don't think some of the "well you got your baby" comments are helpful. My twin sons died at birth 20 months ago. One boy stillborn and his brother died in my arms 4 days later. They were supposed to be our rainbow after two miscarriages. I did have my rainbow eventually but its horrible being told well you got pregnant. Yeah except the price we paid is that our two precious sons are in a grave and we will never get over it. I'm not in competition with anyone who lost a child or can't conceive. Grief is grief and I respect that.

Op, people will distance themselves with loss and infertility because its so painful and obviously if you are pregnant , its very tough on that person. You need to respect that. I dont think its thst they are blaming the woman. It's just that a woman is visibly pregnant. I avoided pregnant women like the plague when my boys died. I was so sad. I cant even stay in the same space as twins these days without being overwhelmed.

Sorry to hear this ❤️

DashboardConfession · 09/08/2025 01:27

InWalksBarberalla · 09/08/2025 01:09

I think it's because most woman struggling with infertility hope and dream of becoming a mother, not a father. And I have known an instance when a man distanced himself from his male friends who had become fathers when he couldn't because of the pain.

I tried this but the AI bot, I mean OP, said that the husbands in this particular group don't avoid her H so it doesn't happen!

Honestly OP, if this is in fact a real POV - "the woman gets cut off and not the man" is not a general thing, it's just your group of friends. For all we know they're a bunch of horrible women in the first place.

DrFoxtrot · 09/08/2025 01:20

It’s a difficult situation and I don’t think either side are unreasonable. I can understand why the other women may keep their distance but also why you’d feel hurt. Your feelings are valid.

it might be helpful to work out how to move forward and leave the friendships behind for good. And I would include considering not contacting them if they reach out to you. You also have to protect your mental health, like they are doing, and you are not an object to be put down and picked up again when it suits people. In your shoes, I would also consider whether DH would be best creating some distance too, in support of your situation.

InWalksBarberalla · 09/08/2025 01:09

I think it's because most woman struggling with infertility hope and dream of becoming a mother, not a father. And I have known an instance when a man distanced himself from his male friends who had become fathers when he couldn't because of the pain.

OriginalUsername2 · 09/08/2025 00:53

I think women should be forgiven for being unreasonable in these situations of infertility and loss. The pain cuts deep. It’s not rational, but it’s there and it’s incredibly painful.

BernardButlersBra · 09/08/2025 00:40

Tricky one. I have been on both sides of it. I know only 1 person in real life who has had more fertility treatment than us. We got there eventually after 5 years. I put the most amount of effort pretty much that is really possible and lm quite unrepentant about that. Yes, they are hurting but they can't take it out of me. Don't get me started about the people who think they have fertility issues after 5 months of trying 🤣🤣🤣

We met a couple at antenatal who conceived 1 round of trying after they got married. Then had a miscarriage this spring and dropped us like a hot potato during this. Fair enough and l haven't given it any head space. Not my fault our numerous IVF transfer eventually worked and we got twins. We started trying waaay before they even met. They were lucky the 1st time but not subsequently but they are the breaks

ScruffyTrouserMindFlip · 09/08/2025 00:24

That's so awful @Ella31 So sorry to hear that happened to you x

Ella31 · 09/08/2025 00:03

It's all relative. I definitely don't think some of the "well you got your baby" comments are helpful. My twin sons died at birth 20 months ago. One boy stillborn and his brother died in my arms 4 days later. They were supposed to be our rainbow after two miscarriages. I did have my rainbow eventually but its horrible being told well you got pregnant. Yeah except the price we paid is that our two precious sons are in a grave and we will never get over it. I'm not in competition with anyone who lost a child or can't conceive. Grief is grief and I respect that.

Op, people will distance themselves with loss and infertility because its so painful and obviously if you are pregnant , its very tough on that person. You need to respect that. I dont think its thst they are blaming the woman. It's just that a woman is visibly pregnant. I avoided pregnant women like the plague when my boys died. I was so sad. I cant even stay in the same space as twins these days without being overwhelmed.