to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

I can think of a few - a lot of disabled people slowly withdraw from society, for example.

I’ve had to limit my in person contact with friends who have neurotypical children because my pre-verbal 6 year old will try and eat stones or elope and because their lives revolve around their kids extra curricular activities, we have very little in common anymore, what do you suggest people do in this scenario? Reality is that I’ll be caring for my son for the rest of my life so my circumstances are not going to change? So it’s easier to surround myself with people who truly understand (eg are in same position)

We were all friends to start with, and then some of us got closer because of the fertility stuff. But it wasn’t like my husband was on the outside. He was part of the group too. We all did things together, nights out, birthdays, weekends away.

When I got pregnant, the women stopped talking to me but still saw my husband. They’ve gone out with their husbands and him, chatted, even when he’s had the baby with him.

That’s why I think there is a male/female element. He’s also becoming a parent, but no one has treated him like a reminder or a problem. I’m the one who got shut out.

christ! With this level of whatabouttery it’s amazing anyone can see anything from a different point of view.

I never mentioned disabled people. You did. Friendships made from trauma change. And lots of other posters said that.

I have never said it was fine to ghost people you thought were your friends either.

I have not forgotten what it feels like. I was in that waiting room for years too. I remember every painful cycle, every negative test, every moment of hope followed by crushing disappointment. Infertility is brutal. I would never wish it on anyone.

But it hurts to be told that my feelings now are less valid because I eventually had a baby. Getting pregnant does not erase what I went through. And it definitely does not mean I cannot feel hurt by how some people reacted.

What I find especially difficult is how it is always the woman who gets punished. My partner was just as involved in our fertility journey. He went through it all with me. But when I got pregnant, no one turned their backs on him. No one stopped talking to him. He was not a reminder of anything, apparently. It is always the woman who becomes the symbol of someone else's loss, and it is always the woman who pays the emotional price for it.

Infertility is soul destroying. But being emotionally abandoned by women who once understood your pain is its own kind of grief and men almost never have to deal with that part.

But if they don't say it but think it,they still are: not healthy for them, and I can't think of other circumstances this is so readily excused socially

Yes, but how many of those things are comparable to not being able to have the children you wanted? That cause genuine grief and heartbreak as opposed to disappointment?

I also understand why they ghosted her - they probably thought the conversation is too difficult to have and they know they sound irrational. Also, reality is, their relationship would be v different with OP once she became a mum as it’s all consuming - for the first few years of the child’s life you speak about little else as they are so dependent on you and your life is naps / bottles/ potty training etc. It wouldn’t be fair on OP to feel she couldn’t speak about her child or on her friends to pretend they want to hear about it! I think it’s easy to say ‘just be honest’ but truth is if they were, they’d only be labelled horrible and bitter.

You obviously don't understand infertility and the pain of it. 🤷

I'm still in disbelief how not understanding you are. Kindness does go a long way, OP. and being kind is understanding why these ladies are hurting now. You only think of yourself.

Christ, with this thinking, how on earth do disabled people have friends who are able?!?

But you don’t fit into their group anymore OP.

You are allowed to feel how you feel, but you can only control your own actions and feelings.

I understand the injustice of it all, but it is strange and unusual that they are still friendly with your husband. I do think you’re misreading that as them maybe just being polite. I don’t really think men feel the same about infertility as women, for the husbands to still be friends with your DP.

Why is it skewed? I can well believe some women can bitchy about this. They probably don’t do it to men because they wouldn’t understand/care.

It's not being bitchy to distance yourself when you're in extreme pain. Main character syndrome has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Yes of course they wanted to be pregnant and become mums. I get that. But the end goal was always having a baby and becoming a parent, not just being pregnant. My husband is becoming a parent too. Just because he is not carrying the baby does not mean he is not part of the thing they are grieving.

If it was really just about seeing someone get what they want and cannot have, then both of us would be reminders. But I am the one who got cut off, while he is still getting invited out, still chatting with them like nothing has changed. That is not just about pregnancy. It is about how people treat women differently.