AIBU for being upset my husband won't learn to drive?

I learned to drive before I was old enough to hold a UK licence. I’ve held full driving and motorbike licences since I was 17 and the medium classes of HGV/PSV for a sizeable part of my life. I wouldn’t be without it and sincerely hope that self driving cars are on stream before I have to stop driving.

I’ve never subscribed to the “life skill” nonsense about driving and LOLs at the idea that motorbikes are selfish, can only carry one person and can’t carry luggage!
If you live in a city the odds are the costs of a car will massively outweigh the benefits. I know families living further out who also choose not to run a car for environmental reasons and they accept that long trips will need a bit more planning and work than if they ran a car.

All that said, if you both wish to continue living in an area where public transport and taxi services are limited and DH also wants to benefit from the use of a private car for trips and holidays he needs to step up and do his share. If he isn’t willing to do this then you either need to move or he needs to organise the transport/luggage so that you can all travel without one person doing all the driving.

What stops him taking car lessons? Is it genuine fear or is it more “can’t be arsed”? If the former, then addressing the fear is needed, if the latter then a kick up the arse is needed.

It’s awful when one person doesn’t drive. I have been so resentful over the years at having all the burden of driving because DP couldn’t be arsed learning. He did have some lessons but disliked the driving instructors. All three of them🙄 Now he is on medication which excludes him from driving anyway. It has been utterly shit. I have told both my sons that driving is a life skill and they should at least learn, even if they rarely drive in the future. Having another person to do the odd run would have made such a difference.

I just don’t want to have to act like someone’s mother and drive them around everywhere like a child.

tbh, I would be concerned about his safety. When you say “scooter”, am I right in thinking you mean he’s restricted to anything below 125cc? If that’s the case, then he is massively underpowered for dealing with today’s traffic and this may be contributing to his nervousness about driving a car.

Does he feel vulnerable on the road? It may seem counter-intuitive, but it’s safer on a more powerful bike. I’d suggest pushing him to try learning in a small automatic car.

Why are you driving him places??

Stop driving him places that would reduce the burden on you a lot.

You two are another unlikely couple, so I don't think it matters either way.

It would give me the biggest ick if I was with someone as shallow as this.

I agree with this, surely someone with anxiety around driving is much less safe to drive anyway? I don't drive because I have severe anxiety, it would be a nightmare for me getting behind the wheel of a car when I'm shaking with nerves and it would make it dangerous for everyone, I also struggle with having to do multiple things at once, so being in charge of a car while also looking at the road and paying attention to everything would be so hard for me

It would give me the biggest ick if my DH didn’t drive (not for a medical reason).

He just wants to be a passenger princess op 🤣

Make him walk

No, you don't. Depends on where you live, obviously.
Some people can get about fine without being able to drive (including me.)

I didn’t learn how to drive until my late 30’s. My partner learned a few years before me and despite me trying not to expect lifts etc … it clearly became unfair that only one of us drove. Lifts to work would be 20 mins rather than an hour on the bus, getting the shopping in, driving to and from holidays… it all adds up!

When I learned how to drive I realised how annoying it is when non drivers just expect drivers to pick up the slack (myself, pre driving, included)

I know a few couples with only one driver and it’s a clear imbalance.

I think if the non drivers is 100% committed to it being a fair and equal how much they pitch in, like always getting public transport, always doing fair share of shopping etc on bus, always arranging transport for needed travel (save or Buget for taxis etc) then it’s better, but still annoying and a complication for a family to only have one driver. I think about emergencies and also your situation where family live far away.

then again I’ve known families that have never had a driver or access to a car, and rely entirely on public transport. And that works for them.

it’s a tricky one. I guess you can’t force someone to learn to drive but it seems that if they are happy driving a scooter (way more dangerous!) then I view that as more that they can’t be arsed to contribute to the family load of driving rather than being a nervous driver.

YANBU I am in the same situation with my partner and it's driving me mad. Admittedly I put it off until later life myself too but when I got pregnant and we decided to move from our city centre apartment to the suburbs I decided it was time to learn and just cracked on with it!
I've been trying to let him do it in his own time but he's made no moves to and now I've started bringing it up. If he doesn't I think it will ultimately be the death knell for our relationship and tbh me having to nag him in the first place rather than him just stepping up and doing what is needed for his family has made me loose a lot of respect for him

DH couldn't drive when we met and he was 28ish. He had little or no desire to although we were living close to Central London. The deal breaker was when I refused to come off the pill if he didn't because no way was I going to to hospital in a taxi in labour.

He remains, 32 years later a reluctant driver but accepts it has in almost every way made his life easier.

I guess it depends on where you live and how anxious he is about driving.

If you live very rurally, he is unreasonable and shouldn't have agreed to live in an isolated place if he cannot drive.

If where you live is not so isolated, I wouldn't learn to drive to mainly facilitate a relationship with your family, I am sure you can go by train/taxi to some places too.

Some people feel very anxious when driving (I am one on those!) And I would be shaky and could have a panic attack in the middle of the road, so it is good for everyone that I am not doing it! But I live in south London with reasonably good public transport to anywhere. With the money we save from not having a car, we can take plenty of taxis/ubers for those occasions when we miss having a car, but we don't even do that very often.i don't think we spend more than maybe £150 a year in taxis/ubers.

I think that most people who have a car then feel they 'need' it for all sorts and use it for things that it shouldn't be used at all, for example going to places that you could go walking in 15 minutes.

But of course it depends on the circumstances.

I thought you were a non driving woman.

It’s absolutely ridiculous for him to refuse to learn to drive because it’s ‘scary’ if he’s happy to get in a car and have you drive. If you’re scared of crashing surely that fear should translate to being a passenger. Only being scared to have to be the driver when you’re happy to be driven around screams laziness, not anxiety. I would stop driving him anywhere until he pulls his finger out.

It would ick me, just as it would ick me if he couldn't deal with spiders or do basic DIY. I wouldn't think he was a terrible person, it wouldn't stop me being friends with him or socialising with him or hiring him (unless the job required driving) but it would potentially put me off dating him. Perhaps I could get over it if there was context but it would not be romantically or sexually appealing.

I realise this means I may miss out on dating some absolutely incredible, fabulous man but I'm already happily married and will never marry again so it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Um, you seem to be confusing me with a non-driving man.

A grown man who has never learned to drive (not who can’t drive for health reasons etc obviously but has just never bothered to learn) would be a major turn-off for sure. Especially if he was also titting around on a motorbike or something. I’m not spending the next 30+ years of my life ferrying him and children around the place and always being the designated driver, always having to live close to public transport so he can get anywhere on his own, having to do all the driving on holidays, etc. Not for me!

My parents didn't drive, I don't drive my partner doesn't drive. We live in a city with good transport links and our kids have never missed out on activities, holidays or anything else. It maybe a life skill but it isn't an essential one.

No, I dont drive ny husband does to me male or female it is a choice I want people on the road who want to be there

There are plenty women who dont drive why is it different for a man? And no I would have no issue if my husband chose not to drive

Fine, but I won't be marrying any of them.

(Before the mass sobbing begins, I'm already married so you hordes of heartbroken suitors have not lost anything.)

I found it hard to learn, I had to take the test more than once and it was a long time before I felt properly confident. But at this stage of the game, with the life we have, if I had to be the sole driver because my husband refused to learn, wouldn't even try, I'd be enraged. If you don't drive but it's no issue for your partner, that's fine, it's between you guys. You don't need to justify yourself to me. I doubt you and I will ever date.

No, I don’t regard the ability to operate a certain type of machine as an indicator of masculinity.

Many years ago I refused to date someone who didn’t drive. It completely emasculated him, in my opinion. I got annihilated on MN for this. But now, do you all think I had a point????