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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu for being unhappy my in-laws are putting a dog "first"

343 replies

GD12 · 08/08/2025 13:38

Basically my MILs son has a giant dog, I think it's a Staffordshire bull terrier but it's massive. It's also untrained. When our daughter was 4 a few years ago ist jumped up on her and scratched her chest at which point I said that our daughter couldn't stay in the house with it. She goes every summer to stay for 5 days and they usually put the dog elsewhere,the dog moving and staying with another relative etc. This year they didn't bother and the solution was to have my daughter stay with another relative instead of at her grans my mil would also stay at the relatives. Am I overreacting being annoyed about this? She has to go and stay with a relative that she's never stayed with before and sees maybe twice a year, that the dog is being allowed to stay in the house and my 7yo daughter has to move out because of it? Myself and hubby have had a fight because he can't see the problem, in fact he'd have her stay with the dog in the house. Maybe I'm being controlling but it's really pushing buttons in me.

OP posts:
AliceMaforethought · 08/08/2025 16:49

bluecurtains14 · 08/08/2025 13:40

They've told you where their priorities are

Find other summer childcare and remember this if they need care in years to come.....

So much this. Not a chance I'd be looking after them in their elder age if this is their attitude, and I'd be making that exceptionally clear to 'D'H.

LittleMonks11 · 08/08/2025 16:48

SaladAndChipsForTea · 08/08/2025 16:31

Yabu. You knew your MIL proposed staying woth DD elsewhere and you said yes. Don't get stroppy now because you'd prefer a different choice was on the table.

MIL is putting her dog,.who is woth her every day, over your convenience of having your DD says there once a year.

its not her dog it’s her son’s and as OP says earlier, she doesn’t even want the dog there.

Driftingawaynow · 08/08/2025 16:48

You’re well within your rights to say no visit if the dog is in the house and that’s the end of it. She’s going to feel unsettled being in a in almost strange house with people she doesn’t know and you don’t even want her to go anyway.

ConfusedSloth · 08/08/2025 16:48

GD12 · 08/08/2025 16:41

No, it is partly the problem if the dog wasn't there this thread wouldn't exist and yes, it is an aggressive dog(despite what the dog lovers here are trying to say)I know what an aggressive dog is. There's also other reasons that I haven't gone into that would feed into her not going at all but you can't get nuance across on the net.

Edited
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That doesn't make any sense. I stand by what I said.

Blueblell · 08/08/2025 16:46

The reality is they have this dog that they presumably are attached to and they also want your DD as well so they have come up with a solution that means she still gets to spend a week with her gran. It might be that they are finding it difficult to place the dog somewhere this time?

Original poster
GD12 · 08/08/2025 16:42

PixieTales · 08/08/2025 16:41

I have an idea how about BIL and his dog can stay with you and DH for the week so DD can stay in their home?

🤣

Sounds fair 🤣🤣

OP posts:
PixieTales · 08/08/2025 16:41

I have an idea how about BIL and his dog can stay with you and DH for the week so DD can stay in their home?

🤣

Original poster
GD12 · 08/08/2025 16:41

ConfusedSloth · 08/08/2025 16:36

Right!

So stop trying to make everyone else out to be the problem and just be honest. It's not fair to have people running around "fixing" problems that aren't the real problem.

Show quote history

No, it is partly the problem if the dog wasn't there this thread wouldn't exist and yes, it is an aggressive dog(despite what the dog lovers here are trying to say)I know what an aggressive dog is. There's also other reasons that I haven't gone into that would feed into her not going at all but you can't get nuance across on the net.

OP posts:
veggie50 · 08/08/2025 16:40

OP, enjoy the week off with your DH, there isn't a problem if you don't make it one.
PS if you take your DD on holiday to an airbnb, would she refuse as it's somewhere unfamiliar? If so, there's more serious problem than MIL and the dog.

ConfusedSloth · 08/08/2025 16:36

GD12 · 08/08/2025 16:31

Her grans house isn't a strange house, she has all her toys there and has been numerous times. She's barely been to the relatives house and in fact I don't even want that, I want her to stay at home with me. I've agreed to it in the previous years to keep the peace.

Show quote history

Right!

So stop trying to make everyone else out to be the problem and just be honest. It's not fair to have people running around "fixing" problems that aren't the real problem.

SaladAndChipsForTea · 08/08/2025 16:31

Yabu. You knew your MIL proposed staying woth DD elsewhere and you said yes. Don't get stroppy now because you'd prefer a different choice was on the table.

MIL is putting her dog,.who is woth her every day, over your convenience of having your DD says there once a year.

Original poster
GD12 · 08/08/2025 16:31

ConfusedSloth · 08/08/2025 16:24

...but OP wants her to be in a strange house without her parents... It's just that she wants her in a different strange house... OP wants DD and the dog to both be in strange houses because if it's just DD then OP feels like that's not equal and fair.

If they'd moved house, would OP kick off?

Also, I don't think it's usual for a 7yo to be so dramatic about something so normal.

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Her grans house isn't a strange house, she has all her toys there and has been numerous times. She's barely been to the relatives house and in fact I don't even want that, I want her to stay at home with me. I've agreed to it in the previous years to keep the peace.

OP posts:
LittleMonks11 · 08/08/2025 16:28

Givemeachaitealatte · 08/08/2025 16:25

The DD does this every summer though. My children would also hate it but they aren't used to being away from me for a week, it sounds like this is an arrangement that has happened for years.

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Yes, at granny’s house sans Hound

IsItSnowing · 08/08/2025 16:27

I would just say no. And tell your DH he needs to support that. No way would I be pushed into letting my daughter go somewhere I didn't want her to go.

Givemeachaitealatte · 08/08/2025 16:25

Hotmess101 · 08/08/2025 16:21

Do you have young children/had children?? My DD would hate to be in a strange house without at least one parent with her, 100 miles away! She’s seven not 17.

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The DD does this every summer though. My children would also hate it but they aren't used to being away from me for a week, it sounds like this is an arrangement that has happened for years.

ConfusedSloth · 08/08/2025 16:24

Hotmess101 · 08/08/2025 16:21

Do you have young children/had children?? My DD would hate to be in a strange house without at least one parent with her, 100 miles away! She’s seven not 17.

Show quote history

...but OP wants her to be in a strange house without her parents... It's just that she wants her in a different strange house... OP wants DD and the dog to both be in strange houses because if it's just DD then OP feels like that's not equal and fair.

If they'd moved house, would OP kick off?

Also, I don't think it's usual for a 7yo to be so dramatic about something so normal.

Hotmess101 · 08/08/2025 16:21

Jiddles · 08/08/2025 15:40

But the child is being kept away from the dog, as OP requested, so what’s the problem?

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Do you have young children/had children?? My DD would hate to be in a strange house without at least one parent with her, 100 miles away! She’s seven not 17.

Campingisnexttogodliness · 08/08/2025 16:20

Team bil here. He is a responsible ddog owner for not passing his ddog back and forwards.. Ddogs need stability..

Littleredgoat · 08/08/2025 16:19

dogcatkitten · 08/08/2025 16:14

You still haven't answered if the dog is dangerous, has it bitten anyone or actually injured anyone worse than a scratch from jumping up? A friend of mine had a dog that would flatten you up against the front door as you came in, it was a big, tall dog, but it was just being extremely friendly. They may have thought that when DD was 4 she couldn't cope with the dog but now she's 7 and the dog is older and hopefully better behaved it's more difficult to banish the poor dog (if it isn't actually dangerous).

She doesnt want her kid staying so far away. She tried to use the dog as a reason why the visit couldn't happen. They've come up with a reasonable alternative and now the OP is trying to make another excuse. Actually she should just say the truth "I am not comfortable with my DD staying so far away" and leave the BIL out of it

Hotmess101 · 08/08/2025 16:17

Jiddles · 08/08/2025 15:33

But why? What would be your reason? You are just trying to pick a quarrel so you can avoid your DD having a visit with her grandmother. You’re not coming across well.

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To you maybe @Jiddles but several of us on this thread think the OP is not being unreasonable and there has been no direct mention that OP either doesn’t like her MIL or that she wishes to sever their bond. I wouldn’t like this for my 7yr old DD either.

Littleredgoat · 08/08/2025 16:16

GD12 · 08/08/2025 16:12

She thinks she's going to stay at her grans house, i said to her about this other relative and she said no I'm going to grannies and was insistent on it. She barely even knows the other relative, like I said. Im not even entirely comfortable with her being so far away but I've said nothing for years to keep the peace.

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Then surely you tell her "yes you are going to stay with granny". Why on earth should the house matter? You are manufacturing an issue here where there isn't one.

AcquadiP · 08/08/2025 16:16

A Staffy isn't a large breed of dog, they're short and stocky. They're also, for the most part, extremely good tempered so what you believe to be aggression is probably enthusiastic jumping up which led to scratches. That's not the fault of dog as it hasn't been trained.
You seem to be expecting the dog to be moved out of its home to accommodate your child's visit which is unreasonable. Your MIL has made alternative arrangements which allow the dog to remain at home whilst respecting your wishes. I don't think you have reason to complain.

dogcatkitten · 08/08/2025 16:14

You still haven't answered if the dog is dangerous, has it bitten anyone or actually injured anyone worse than a scratch from jumping up? A friend of mine had a dog that would flatten you up against the front door as you came in, it was a big, tall dog, but it was just being extremely friendly. They may have thought that when DD was 4 she couldn't cope with the dog but now she's 7 and the dog is older and hopefully better behaved it's more difficult to banish the poor dog (if it isn't actually dangerous).

ConfusedSloth · 08/08/2025 16:14

GD12 · 08/08/2025 16:12

She thinks she's going to stay at her grans house, i said to her about this other relative and she said no I'm going to grannies and was insistent on it. She barely even knows the other relative, like I said. Im not even entirely comfortable with her being so far away but I've said nothing for years to keep the peace.

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Ok. So, you have no reason at all against it other than that you haven't explained it to you 4yo... YABU.

Noshadelamp · 08/08/2025 16:13

Your mil isn't choosing a dog over your DD, I bet she's choosing to keep the peace with her adult DS who lives in her house and she's probably a bit anxious about upsetting.

Let your DM go and stay at the relative's with your DD if your DD is ok with this arrangement, it seems like it really matters to your DM to spend time with your DD and she's found a solution away from the dog.