I’m torn on this because what you’re describing used to be me and I do cringe a bit looking back but I think it’s more complex than that.
I was diagnosed autistic as an adult and my whole life I’ve struggled with maintaining friendships. I have always had a sense that I’m not understanding social rules and even though I can feel people’s reactions to me shift, I cannot tell why.
Genuinely, this does seem to happen more with women. For a long time I would have said that in a judgemental way (women are more bitchy etc.) but I was being unfair.
I read a theory that when it comes to emotional complexity / intelligence / sophistication of social rules, autistic men tend to be at the bottom. Then above that you have neurotypical men tied with autistic women and then above them all neurotypical women.
I would agree with this. I don’t think it was ever that the women I met were bitchy or nasty. I think it’s that the social rules were more complex and it was easier to accidentally offend or do something I wasn’t “supposed” to do.
I sometimes had mixed friendship groups but for some reason they’d involve men’s and women doing things separately. The women would go and get their nails done and the men would play board games. I’d join the men because my interests aligned more with theirs. Then over time the women would dislike me and I felt it was unfair.
Looking back, had I sometimes gone to get my nails done and made an effort to show I wanted to be friends then they likely wouldn’t have cared that I sometimes wanted to do the male activity. It genuinely didn’t occur to me that the reason they disliked me was because I didn’t make an effort. I thought they disliked me and judged me because I didn’t share their interests. I resented that the group was even split in this way.
I had a bit of an epiphany when I realised that the men I thought were friends would get drunk and make flirty comments. They invited me to stuff like I was one of them but they didn’t care about me as a person in the way they did their male friends. I also found that when I put on weight a lot of them became less interested in being my friend which didn’t really align with my idea that we just liked each other as people.
I have done a bit of a 180 in that I no longer feel interested in pursuing friendships with men. I do think the very few times I have had female friendships they were more meaningful. I want to find friends who are women but even now - slightly more enlightened - I do find it harder.
With men, if I chatted for a bit and shared their interest I’d very quickly become part of the group that got invited next time.
With women it feels like even when we’ve spent a lot of time together and know a lot about each other, they see still me as an acquaintance and I struggle to get to a point where I’m in a friendship group or even someone who they see as a friend. When I do meet a woman and we click, often they’ll become distant and I don’t know why. Or I’ll think we’re closer than we are.
I actually think men can be just as bitchy and gossipy but with women the etiquette and friendship rules are more subtle and intricate.
So yes I have been a “pick me” in the sense that out of insecurity I have neglected to make an effort with women and have unfairly made assumptions about them. I can see why it came across like I thought I was better than them. But it genuinely wasn’t about getting male validation and trying to shag everyone’s husbands.