in laws - obsessed?

We will never know

all we do know is that this OP is one for drama

seriously we are talking about a very infrequent conversation that she hears from another room (more like listens at the door) or her dh tells her (ask him to stop)

Why is he telling you this? Just tell him you don't want to know what they are saying, simple.

I don't understand. Something must have triggered it and you have not said what really happened. Is your DH non-Western, was there an arranged marriage on the cards? Are you a foreigner to your PILs? Maybe they were hoping for a "better" wife for their son? I'm asking because I've seen this happen in those scenarios.

How do you know what they are saying to DH?

If he's telling you, ask him to stop.
If you're asking him - STOP IT

Because you sound as obsessed with what they're saying as they are about you!

Stop pondering why they're like this - pointless and achieves nothing.

Did you ever get to the bottom of why they fell out with you after you got married? Something big must have happened or come out about that time. PILs perhaps wanting their DH to ditch his wife (if they can't stand her for some reason) but wanting him to ditch their GCs too is very unusual.

Psychologically it is understandable that they still talk about you. To them you represent a threat, a problem that they cannot solve because they are not in control of the parts to solve it in their eyes aka your husband. So that is why they are obsessed with you.

But obviously from your side (and the sane side) that’s all delusional bullshit.

You are doing the control thing too though and that you can change. Vow never to ask your DH about them again and then don’t. Vow to prioritise your peace of mind and not get caught in their delusion and then do that.

My DH has a deluded sister as much as possible we give her zero oxigen.

Perhaps they do it because they have no other way of inserting themselves into your life and that rankles them!
They obviously still want to cause you distress but if you are NC with them it is the only other avenue they have!
Tell your DH that if he speaks to them that is his business but you do not want to hear or be told about the conversation at all....under any circumstances...never!

You shouldn't know what they are talking about because a) you shouldn't be there as you are NC and b) he shouldn't be repeating what they say.

He's stirring the pot.

Who gives a rat's ass what they say? They aren't in your life. Remind yourself of that and move on.

Yes. OP, it’s very weird you don’t see this. They still love their child, even if the relationship is strained. He’s married to you, a woman who refuses to see them, and presumably part of the reason he has minimal contact with them. You’re in his life, if not theirs. Did you expect them to press ‘delete’ on you or something?

I have been stalked, harassed, verbally abused and threatened by them

Tell your husband you do not want to hear a single word about the people who stalked, harassed, threatened and abused you. That he's being cruel and weird by passing on their drivel.

Admit it Op

when your DH talks to his parents very rarely, you listen behind the door with a glass to your ear?!!

You sound a bit obsessed with them to be honest. I would tell your husband you don't want to hear anything about their conversations, but also don't ask anything about them either.
I had really awful in laws too so I do know what it's like and I was like you, wanting to know everything they'd said.

I wish now I'd handled it all differently and not obsessed over them so much. The best way is to be indifferent to them.

Not your circus not your monkeys.

Why are you asking him what they talk about ? Don't even ask anything about what occured on those visits! Don't let it occupy your headspace, otherwise you become the one that's obsessed!

My ex ILs were like this. I did nothing wrong but as soon as DH moved in with me MIL went psycho. I was gaslit for years so had contact regularly (never enough for MIL) and made life hell. I did have a DH problem as he always put them first. Yours seems much better!

I could write a book about the ill treatment but fast forward and we are now divorced, MIL is ecstatic, neither she or exH have bothered with the kids (cards for birthdays and the odd text but not parenting or grandparenting at all). He is his mother's son for sure.

If it was me I would ignore them even though it is hard. At least she doesn't have contact with DC to poison them with their toxic ways. Good that DH sees them now and then so you can never be accused of stopping them seeing their precious son!

Who cares?
You don't like them, they don't like you
Your H doesn't need to mention them to you at all and could easily close them down when they start talking about you and you don't need to "over hear anything" - thats kind of the point in being NC

Going by this thread OP, I would guess that it would be enlightening to hear the In laws version

This is pathetic Op

seriously
it’s a rare phone call. Just head off or be explicit with dh not to tell you

honestly I wonder about how some posters get on in life

Probably because the mum grew him in her stomach, birthed him, nursed him, raised him to adulthood and since he got with you he barely speaks to them.

I'm not saying you're wrong to go low contact - but that'll be why they ask about you.

what is “very low contact” OP?

Well, this appears to be the truth, no?

They are probably obsessed with talking about you as they see you as the reason their son is not fully in their lives

How do you know all this?

Because they think you have trapped their son so they can't have him? Or some other such nonsense. It doesn't have to bear any relationship to reality as it's all in their heads.

With kindness you don’t know that. We can all aim to be the perfect mil when our time comes who will treat her dil like her own. Rarely happens as we all have our own world views, opinions and far too often think we know best especially for our children regardless of how old they are!

Maybe they want to build bridges or maybe they just want to bitch about you to your husband. Who knows. I’d be more interested if they didn’t ask about you at all. For me that would mean they really didn’t care whatsoever and there was no come back.

I don’t think it’s particularly weird that they ask about you if I’m honest. If it stresses you out this much tell your husband not to mention it to you unless you are the one asking him about his conversation…