To cancel our weeekend away?

Girl, cancel the trip. You’ll only start feeling resentful you’re spending money while you’re away. It’s not worth it. Just because he’s being nice doesn’t mean you have to do it. He just went away and knew he was supposed to be going away with you. A birthday weekend away doesn’t mean the partner pays for every single thing. Just the accommodation in my opinion and that’s it. Cancel while you don’t lose any money

A someone who has at times earned very little as a charity worker, and been through a divorce and has 2no. (now grown up) lads, I can understand why money is tight for someone in their 40's.
However, I do not understand someone not budgeting with enough care to balance the stag do, the weekend with other half, and repayment of a previous trip. It seems to me that he cannot manage money well, and I am not sure I would want to be in a relationship with someone like that.

Glad to hear you’re cancelling it OP, it’s what I would do. I’d send him a message saying something like “I’m going to cancel the weekend away as I was banking on using the money you owe me from the previous trip to pay for my share of things on this trip” and see how he responds to that, his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

sounds like you’ve had a very tough few years and it’s understandable that you are looking for love and support. But I’m sorry to say it doesn’t sound like he really cares or values you. I wish you well and hope you’ve find someone that deserves to be with someone who is obviously kind, generous and supportive, as you are. I think he might have to go.

I think if "we" want/expect that women will be financially independent, we can't also expect that the man in a relationship will always be the higher earner/provider and will have to accept that if we want to live "equally" with a partner, sometimes we'll have to contribute to shared trips and other costs, just as men have been expected to forever.

However, this man seems to be taking advantage of that and not fulfilling agreements. I wouldn't have lent the money for the first trip. If he couldn't pay, either we wouldn't have gone or I'd have paid for him because I wanted to go on the trip and the alternative was not to go. However, I would only have done that for a man who's honest about it all. I wouldn't have booked another trip knowing he hadn't yet paid for the previous one.

I think the stag is different, as that was for a fixed occasion, I wouldn't object to him prioritising that over another trip with me. I would very much object to him going while claiming he can't pay what he owes me.

Is he saying he can't afford to pay you back each month, or has he just not paid and you haven't felt able to ask?

Anyway the point I was getting to, is my DP earns less than me. I probably pay more than my share in that I'll buy more rounds in the pub to help him out, I'll drive more often for the longer trips, I dont ask him to contribute when we eat at mine, but he wouldn't want me to "pay" for him and has in fact told me when we need to rein in travelling or nights out, when his budget won't stretch.

My choice ultimately will be whether I want a life that has to be restricted to his budget, whether I want to go and do the more expensive things without him, or to pay for him (or leave a good man in the hope of finding someone with more cash).

You sound lovely OP. I don’t necessarily think he should have to pay for anything for the lodge break because it’s his 40th treat but I’d be mightily pissed off if he owed me money and yet prioritised a 5 day stag do and big meal out after, instead of keeping to the repayment agreement. I’d be sitting him down and spelling out how you’re feeling.

He could have afforded it he just chose not to.
One of the first posts about you deserving better nailed this. You're not here to subsidise him. He has money, he's choosing where to spend it. You think about where you'd like to spend yours x

I feel for you OP. But you sound strong 💪

He’s so sad he can’t go.

wasn’t sad when we was on the stag was he? There’s no future here OP unless you enjoy being mugged right off.

Good for you. Stay strong!

This.

Bin him. This won’t get better. DHs friend keeps borrowing money from him and other people then acts all surprised when they get annoyed at her going on jollies when she hasn’t paid them back. Her son has the same pattern. he’s stopped lending her money…and she’s lost friends.

Not only is he taking the piss he is showing you where his priorities lie…..as he sees it, he can go in a stag with his mates because he knows you will cough up for everything at home. If he couldn’t afford it he should have said straight away. He can’t be that skint that he can’t get a bottle of wine and a takeaway? Yet he had a meal with the lads when he returned from the stag…..
He is using you. And gradually this will increase. He’s already sending you the I’m so sad txts….next he can’t afford his car service or needs a suit of some clothes or could you just help out with this…
Pull right back. Cancel the weekend away now and say you didn’t want him to feel sad about not being able to pay his way, and you know he would have spent money on the stag….. and let that hang. He took the place on the stag because he thought you would pay for everything on the weekend…what a CF

The fact he still hasn't paid you back, but is paying to go away with his mates, should show you where his priorities lie.

I don't judge anyone based on their financial position, however, I like to travel and go out to nice restaurants, so personally I don't date people who aren't in a position to do that. I have done in the past, and I end up either paying for everything if I want to go somewhere/do something, or miss out.

I think a 40 year old going on a 5 day stag abroad and then begging his gf for spending money back home is fairly pathetic. Not a relationship I'd want to be in.

Cancel it - if he is actually serious about you, he will work out that he can no longer mess you around financially.

You need to stop all the outings until he pays you back what he owes then end the relationship.

All men are like this in the 1st year. He sounds like a freeloader. Beware OP!

If he's not going to pay one penny then yes cancel it. Just have a home cooked dinner and cake to celebrate.

I wouldn’t want to be involved with a 40yo who didn’t have a grip on his finances, no matter how lovely he might be.

Financial security and knowledge is really important.

I'd ditch him. He's a user. You are never getting that Money back

I can’t see how a decent single man of 40 with all the responsibilities you mention would go on a 5 day stag whilst already owing the OP money.

if you haven’t learned by 40 that you pay your debts before you go off on jollies then you are a lost cause in my mind.

This is not harsh, this is realising where your priorities should be

You’ve give this man a chance once loaning money and he failed to repay you. Instead he took the money and spent it on a stag knowing full well he would need spends for an upcoming weekend you’ve funded. Telling you how bad he feels is just waffle at the end of the day. His actions speak louder than words