A yearning in my soul for youth and sex

It's a cliche but you can only change yourself, not him. Drowning your sorrows in wine isn't ever going to help you feel more youthful and sexy.

You've said you're stuck at home, but you can do a lot from there:

• Start a home weights program, eg Caroline Girvans:

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhu1QCKrfgPUZ7HDxP8PP_-0ffNoobSDH&si=JyMJ-8APTnIvU-dJ_

• Join online courses to stimulate your brain without relying on your reluctant husband for conversation. An online book group, language classes etc etc.

• Tell him that you need him to cooperate in enabling you to have more time to yourself for all of this. He's choosing to stay in his job for another two years, you can't go on doing everything until he retires. He needs to reduce his gaming just enough to pull his weight and allow you to emerge from being the family dogsbody. He doesn't need to go to the doctor for that, just change his mindset and sense of entitlement.

A few pps have suggested you need to focus on your own development and wellbeing and you've pretty much dismissed those as you're stuck at home. Be careful not to dismiss all suggestions of ways you can move forward yourself (taking into account you don't want to leave him). It may feel uncomfortable at first, but the alternative is more of the same.

49 here. My life to date has been ok… but not my sex life. I feel so sad I never found fulfilment or self-discovery that way.

It’s multi-factored: unhappy, alcoholic parents who’d both attended single sex boarding schools, and I went to a single sex school myself. Caught a bad dose of religion in my teens and unfortunately bought into the whole no sex before marriage nonsense.

I have AuDHD which I think makes relationships harder (masking, RSD, shame about masking and untidy home, etc).

The relationships I have had have included a lovely man, but he was in denial about being gay and didn’t like touching me; another lovely man, who had erectile dysfunction; and some others, alcohol-lubricated dead ends with casual womanisers.

I used to think everyone else had a much, much happier life. Then you come on Mumsnet. But I think MN is the other extreme, people only come here if they have problems - domestic abuse, exploiters, cheaters etc. But it consoled me that I haven’t missed out on tooo much.

I haven’t had sex - such as it was - in 9 years, and now I think that’s it for me. I have caring duties that would make dating difficult. When I was younger I considered myself to have a very high sex drive, though that was maybe nothing more than a continual hum of sexual frustration. And thus life is passing.

Might be worth expanding a bit on what your job is, to see if people can brainstorm solutions. Do you at least get days off each week? It sounds like you're reasonably well off, so maybe there's scope for reducing hours, or employing someone else to give you breaks?

This seems a huge factor to me. If you want to feel seen, but can't go out in the world, the only ones who can give you that are DH and your grown children. That's a lot of pressure on them. Meanwhile DH has a contrasting job that's filled with people needing things from him.

I can't know for sure if it would improve the sex, but I think getting more of your social needs met outside of the relationship might well help matters. It would shift your mindset, and might make a more attractive dynamic where you are someone who has a vibrant life outside of your DH.

Why put fault in inverted commas? Is that because it is really his fault?

I think you need a better hobby to keep you busy - your DH must feel pressure from you all the time, and not just about sex. Ie wanting discussion about immigration etc when hes do e 4 x 12 hour night shifts that week.

I'm on my own here probably, but I'm thinking poor bloke and why don't you make a life for yourself instead of obsessing over sex and how lonely you are?

He isn't responsible for your happiness.

This could be me! Same age, also both DH and I are shift workers in intense jobs. We also had a wonderful holiday a few months back when we were much more active in the bedroom (and the pool!) together. The pressure was off, sleep patterns reset and we relaxed. But, now back to the grindstone and the activity has dropped off to once a month if we're lucky. It's him, not me, I'm still willing but he's always "tired" or ill from the shifts. He's also a gamer who doesn't go out much.
He's looking to dramatically reduce hours in two years and I'm hoping that will change things, but I can't rely on that.
I love him dearly and sex is great when we get round to it, I just wish it was more frequent.

Yep, sounds so familiar! It's quite lonely being married to a shift worker at times. Although them being around all the time takes some adjusting to too! My hubby said he never realised people didn't go around feeling like they've got a hangover all the time - that's shift work for you in your 50s 😊. But the ability to retire early is a gift. I'm sure you'll get that holiday guy back in time.

When we all fancied George before we knew.
He was so beautiful at that stage.
In 2025, I think Benson Boone is handsome.

I don’t personally do this, but maybe if you DH wants to, arrange a testosterone test, some supplements are meant to help.

May be worth a shot.

Get his testosterone levels checked.

If they are very low he could consider starting TRT through a private clinic.

Sounds like he's a police officer op. I'm married to a retired cop. All I can say is retirement changes everything so there is some hope there. I don't think I ever realised what the job does to you until you leave it. It sucks the life out of you and it sounds like he's carrying huge responsibility too. My husband retired two years ago, he's now working part-time and is a lot fitter and healthier. After a period of adjustment, life is calmer and good. Don't underestimate the impact of shift work and how utterly exhausting it can be. Hopefully better times will come.

@Horsie thanks for that response, you're right.

I think @financialcareerstuff is right about 'reinfecting oneself with life'. Sex is sex, but it's also part of a greater tapestry of life-affirming, creative, regenerative things we do to integrate and enmesh ourselves with life itself. In the absence of sex with stbx I have found both comfort, connection and zest in actively seeking out other things which 'feed' me.

The only semi positive thing I can say is it's likely your sex drive will dwindle once your periods stop. I know that doesn't seem much consolation, but at least your lack of desire might match his.

You're pinning all your hopes onto him and focusing about one aspect of your life. Who's to say in two years times he'll turn into some kind of sex god?How about going out or taking up a hobby in the evenings he's not there and enhancing your own life?
I think drinking wine every night is not helping your mental nor your physical health, you'd lose the extra weight as well.
And while you're at it sort out his attitude to housework as well. He should be doing a lot more. You've put him on a pedestal and he thinks he can call all the shots, including withholding sex.