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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fall out with partner over my disrespect.

134 replies

Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 18:41

I’ve been with my partner nearly 3 years, we don’t live together.

I’m struggling with how we resolve arguments and his response to arguments.

English is his second language, and sometimes I know he hasn’t heard or understood something, especially in a social group.

He lives across the road from his local and we go in often, it’s always the same folk in there in an afternoon, 3 men, nice enough, but I have to try and slot into the conversation. Today we were joking about the old exam systems from the 80’s I knew my partner hadn’t understood something, but he was laughing anyway. I stupidly said “well he doesn’t get it even though he is laughing” I genuinely didn’t mean it come across as it did, but felt bad.

When we got back to his, he was acting odd, quiet and he said I had embarrassed him…I apologised, but he was still annoyed and .we ended up arguing and I left. I don’t want to message him as he usually upsets me more with his response, with veiled threats of us breaking up etc, if I don’t message he ignores me until I reach out.

AIBU or is this a bit toxic.

OP posts:
whitewineandsun · 07/08/2025 19:52

Do you often humiliate him like that? I'd be over it, too.

He should just have told you, though, instead of the stupid silent treatment.

Original poster
Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 19:49

Arlanymor · 07/08/2025 19:42

Leaving aside the comment which you know was mean and hopefully will try and do better with in the future…

I think you both have an issue with how you resolve conflict. You said he was acting odd - he was acting hurt, that’s not odd, and it’s a bit of a shame that you couldn’t connect the dots without him having to point out how you had humiliated him. You then say that you apologised but he was still annoyed - he’s allowed to be. He’s working through his feelings and an apology, while being the right thing to do, doesn’t magically erase what happened or instantly make him feel better. You need to let it sink in. Why then did you argue? Because he wouldn’t instantly ‘perk up’? Honest question, why did you argue?

The second issue of his conduct over messages is also problematic. Veiled threats of breaking up are horrible and a tactic designed to destabilise you and put you on edge. That’s unacceptable. He needs to stop doing that, it’s wrong.

When you say you always get in touch because he ignores you - is it the case that if you never made the first move he would never contact you again? Or is it that he needs more space than you do, so you ‘crack’ first because you need communication first? Again, honest question. Because if he needs a week to calm down and to want to talk to you, whereas you can’t go 24 hours without communication then that’s a difference in the way you manage your own emotions and those ways may not be compatible.

Thank you, you have made some really good points, you are right I did expect him to ‘perk up’ when really I should have allowed him to feel the hurt and process it….we argued because he was silent with me, no eye contact nothing, for me it felt like I was punished, the context didn’t matter, even though I was in the wrong 100%, as this is how it always plays out.

with regards to the no contact, I honestly don’t know how long it Would go on, because yes it is always me who cracks…and he knows that too. I don’t deal with rejection very well, due to my history, that is something I need to work on within myself.

OP posts:
Agapornis · 07/08/2025 19:49

I'm a foreigner living in the UK. I wouldn't date someone who made remarks like the one you made, because it's hard enough to fit in without dealing with xenophobia.

Neither of you seem right for each other.

Mewling · 07/08/2025 19:47

Had you been drinking, OP?

hmmimnotsurewhy · 07/08/2025 19:43

Who cares what your intentions were, it means nothing. That was a very nasty thing to have said. Very nasty. I’m doubtful that you are so innocent as such words don’t really pop out from someone who is generally not the problem

Arlanymor · 07/08/2025 19:42

Leaving aside the comment which you know was mean and hopefully will try and do better with in the future…

I think you both have an issue with how you resolve conflict. You said he was acting odd - he was acting hurt, that’s not odd, and it’s a bit of a shame that you couldn’t connect the dots without him having to point out how you had humiliated him. You then say that you apologised but he was still annoyed - he’s allowed to be. He’s working through his feelings and an apology, while being the right thing to do, doesn’t magically erase what happened or instantly make him feel better. You need to let it sink in. Why then did you argue? Because he wouldn’t instantly ‘perk up’? Honest question, why did you argue?

The second issue of his conduct over messages is also problematic. Veiled threats of breaking up are horrible and a tactic designed to destabilise you and put you on edge. That’s unacceptable. He needs to stop doing that, it’s wrong.

When you say you always get in touch because he ignores you - is it the case that if you never made the first move he would never contact you again? Or is it that he needs more space than you do, so you ‘crack’ first because you need communication first? Again, honest question. Because if he needs a week to calm down and to want to talk to you, whereas you can’t go 24 hours without communication then that’s a difference in the way you manage your own emotions and those ways may not be compatible.

Original poster
Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 19:33

I am not saying I wasn’t mean. Yes I was. I don’t expect him to get in touch after that. But what I’m saying in any argument we have, regardless of who was to blame, it’s always me who reaches out, and I don’t mean after a couple of hours, it can go on for days. I wasn’t showing off for attention either, I don’t even know why I said it, but yes I deserve these comments on here obviously, but I was asking for advice on conflict/arguments in general.

OP posts:
Momstermash94 · 07/08/2025 19:32

You did embarrass him and it was a mean comment, however the silent treatment and threats of breaking up is also an immature approach to resolving an argument. The whole relationship sounds a bit toxic imo.

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 07/08/2025 19:31

Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 19:06

No I’m not a bully. But it was to do with our education system and it was a stupid thing to say. I know that. And I have apologised

Show quote history

But you're making him the issue, you're making him out to be the bad guy when you were unkind to him and embarrassed him.

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 07/08/2025 19:25

TheRealGoose · 07/08/2025 19:23

Thing is, you know you were horrible to him but somehow you seem to want to make him the issue, which quite frankly is from the abusers handbook. He made me do it is usually the next line, it’s all but but yes I was mean but he’s the real problem. On the example given I’d tell you to do one. If you don’t like slotting in ag the pub stop going, if you feel he is toxic end it. But don’t belittle him publicly and then declare he’s the issue.

This, and it's already been supported on here... 'yes she was mean, but that's not the point! He MUST have deserved it!!'

CopperWhite · 07/08/2025 19:24

From the post, its clear that this is not the first time the boyfriend has resolved an issue with silent treatment, bullying etc. This is what the OP is asking about.

How is it silent treatment when they were only in the pub this afternoon and have to have had time to get home and have this row? OP can only have walked out a couple of hours ago at most, and now that he’s not messaging her after she was horrible and then walked out, she’s accusing him of giving her silent treatment.

Give the man a break FFS. Are they not even allowed a few hours space? Or maybe even a night seeing as they don’t live together?

Toxic behaviour is being mean, having a row about it, walking off and then expecting attention from the person you’ve just been horrible to. It is not toxic to wait a few hours before calling someone who has just walked out of your house after they were unkind to you.

TheRealGoose · 07/08/2025 19:23

Thing is, you know you were horrible to him but somehow you seem to want to make him the issue, which quite frankly is from the abusers handbook. He made me do it is usually the next line, it’s all but but yes I was mean but he’s the real problem. On the example given I’d tell you to do one. If you don’t like slotting in ag the pub stop going, if you feel he is toxic end it. But don’t belittle him publicly and then declare he’s the issue.

ImogenBrocklehurst · 07/08/2025 19:21

I agree, that was a mean thing to say- I’d have been embarrassed too.

honeylulu · 07/08/2025 19:18

I think you were horrible. I have had a couple of boyfriends who would mock me like that in public. I found it unkind and humiliating. It also made them look like twats because 9 times out of 10 the people they were trying to impress with their hilarious "joke" at my expense seemed horrified at his disrespect and my discomfort.

Tagyoureit · 07/08/2025 19:16

Everyone is off on one about the one comment the op made!

From the post, its clear that this is not the first time the boyfriend has resolved an issue with silent treatment, bullying etc. This is what the OP is asking about.

I’m struggling with how we resolve arguments and his response to arguments.

The OP has already said she was wrong to say what she did but thats not the point of the thread.

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 07/08/2025 19:16

Ohthatsabitshit · 07/08/2025 18:53

I think you were really horrible to him for no reason at all. Why?

This. Were you showing off for the attention?

BreakingBroken · 07/08/2025 19:14

Please leave this man alone.
Your mean, you don’t live together it’s more like boyfriend and girlfriend you’re no partner.

Overtheway · 07/08/2025 19:12

You admit you were in the wrong. He's allowed to be upset about it.

CopperWhite · 07/08/2025 19:12

You were horrible to him and now you want him to talk to you and forget about it when he’s probably still feeling hurt and embarrassed, and wondering why you’d belittle him like that in front of people, regardless of your forced apology.

It’s you, not him.

Original poster
Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 19:08

amber763 · 07/08/2025 18:51

Your comment was out of line. I'd have been upset too. It's you who is in the wrong here

I know it’s me in the wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 19:06

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 07/08/2025 19:00

How did you think it would come across?!
There's a friend of a friend that would do exactly the same to me in a group setting, think it was funny but frankly, he's a bully and it was finally realised and he's no longer friends of a friend. You were an arse

No I’m not a bully. But it was to do with our education system and it was a stupid thing to say. I know that. And I have apologised

OP posts:
IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 07/08/2025 19:00

How did you think it would come across?!
There's a friend of a friend that would do exactly the same to me in a group setting, think it was funny but frankly, he's a bully and it was finally realised and he's no longer friends of a friend. You were an arse

Original poster
Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 19:00

TidyDancer · 07/08/2025 18:51

It sounds like he’s had enough of you humiliating him. The silent treatment is awful and I don’t agree with it as a tactic at all but you do seem like you’ve been fairly awful to him.

No I have never done that before. I feel bad for saying it. But this is more to do with how we resolve arguments in general, this is a one off and I think you had to be there as it really sounds much worse than it was.

OP posts:
BellissimoGecko · 07/08/2025 18:59

Well, none of it sounds great.

You deliberately embarrassed him.

When you argue, he either ignores you or waits for you to get in touch, or he threatens to break up with you.

toxic all round.

Next!

Original poster
Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 18:56

Thanks all for the comments, I agree 100% it was a mean comment, but it definitely wasn’t my intention for it to sound like it did, for context I have never said that before, or ever tried to embarrass him and I deserve him to be cross with me. I guess I just need to wait it out. I have apologised though and I do feel bad.

OP posts: