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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fall out with partner over my disrespect.

134 replies

Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 18:41

I’ve been with my partner nearly 3 years, we don’t live together.

I’m struggling with how we resolve arguments and his response to arguments.

English is his second language, and sometimes I know he hasn’t heard or understood something, especially in a social group.

He lives across the road from his local and we go in often, it’s always the same folk in there in an afternoon, 3 men, nice enough, but I have to try and slot into the conversation. Today we were joking about the old exam systems from the 80’s I knew my partner hadn’t understood something, but he was laughing anyway. I stupidly said “well he doesn’t get it even though he is laughing” I genuinely didn’t mean it come across as it did, but felt bad.

When we got back to his, he was acting odd, quiet and he said I had embarrassed him…I apologised, but he was still annoyed and .we ended up arguing and I left. I don’t want to message him as he usually upsets me more with his response, with veiled threats of us breaking up etc, if I don’t message he ignores me until I reach out.

AIBU or is this a bit toxic.

OP posts:
thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 07/08/2025 20:53

Arlanymor · 07/08/2025 19:42

Leaving aside the comment which you know was mean and hopefully will try and do better with in the future…

I think you both have an issue with how you resolve conflict. You said he was acting odd - he was acting hurt, that’s not odd, and it’s a bit of a shame that you couldn’t connect the dots without him having to point out how you had humiliated him. You then say that you apologised but he was still annoyed - he’s allowed to be. He’s working through his feelings and an apology, while being the right thing to do, doesn’t magically erase what happened or instantly make him feel better. You need to let it sink in. Why then did you argue? Because he wouldn’t instantly ‘perk up’? Honest question, why did you argue?

The second issue of his conduct over messages is also problematic. Veiled threats of breaking up are horrible and a tactic designed to destabilise you and put you on edge. That’s unacceptable. He needs to stop doing that, it’s wrong.

When you say you always get in touch because he ignores you - is it the case that if you never made the first move he would never contact you again? Or is it that he needs more space than you do, so you ‘crack’ first because you need communication first? Again, honest question. Because if he needs a week to calm down and to want to talk to you, whereas you can’t go 24 hours without communication then that’s a difference in the way you manage your own emotions and those ways may not be compatible.

Perfectly put.

thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 07/08/2025 20:50

Tagyoureit · 07/08/2025 18:44

Toxic!! Run for the hills!

That’s your first response? Did you read the OP?

OP how did you expect him to feel?! Maybe learn to actually think before the words leave your mouth.

Edit to say I can see you’re sorry for what you said OP, hope the great advice you got from Arlanymor helps.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 07/08/2025 20:48

Driftingawaynow · 07/08/2025 20:28

The word abuse is being abused.
silent treatment can be a form of abuse, or can simply be someone being overwhelmed and not knowing how to make a repair attempt. Also threats to separate- can be abusive, or equally the actions of someone who had fallen into despair or hopelessness because they don’t have the tools to fix the situation

there's so much actual abuse out there, we do ourselves and the victims a disservice by applying this word so liberally

OP fwiw it sounds like he doesn’t have a great emotional toolkit at the very least and that is a problem, especially if he doesn’t recognise it.

Show quote history

As you said it can be abuse or overwhelmed, my interpretation given this is how he handles every conflict is it is abusive and controlling.

When you deal with conflict like a child giving the silent treatment and threatening to break up even when she has owned her fault and apologized yes it is abuse and control. It makes his partner walk on egg shells around him and trying to find ways to pander and pacify him rather than handle things like an adult mature couple.

"The “silent treatment” is when a person refuses to communicate with someone because they are angry or upset. It can sometimes be a form of emotional abuse.

The silent treatment may be abusive if one person uses it to control and manipulate the other. For example, a person may use the silent treatment to withhold love or affection until a person does what they want."

He needs to grow up and find ways to discuss issues and reach an agreement or compromise with his partner not throw a strop like a petulant child.

"OP fwiw it sounds like he doesn’t have a great emotional toolkit at the very least and that is a problem, especially if he doesn’t recognise it."

Because he doesn't recognize it doesn't mean it isn't abuse, it's still abuse. So as I said she needs to have a serious conversation with him about how they handle conflict going forward and if he is unable to own his issues and make changes she needs to walk away. Recognizing he doesn't have to toolkit means he has to work to gain it not that OP needs to accept it and deal with his abusive behaviour.

Original poster
Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 20:45

Arlanymor · 07/08/2025 20:41

Good for you, you are changing the pattern already. At least for tonight he needs space. Distract yourself so you don’t dwell - there are some completely batty threads on here tonight to keep you entertained!

Show quote history

Thank you for your kindness

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 07/08/2025 20:41

Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 20:21

Thank you for your kindness, yes we have a long history of this style of conflict communication, I have never said anything like this to him before or in public, in fact the very opposite, I am usually a supportive partner, I feel ashamed for what I said.

But I now feel anxious, I haven’t reached out as he will need space, and he hasn’t contacted me, so I will have to sit it out now.

Show quote history

Good for you, you are changing the pattern already. At least for tonight he needs space. Distract yourself so you don’t dwell - there are some completely batty threads on here tonight to keep you entertained!

Driftingawaynow · 07/08/2025 20:28

Ilovelifeverymuch · 07/08/2025 20:14

Yes she was wrong which she admits but the bigger issue here is how he handles and resolves conflict. Unless OP is always insulting him in public as opposed to a one off careless remark which this seems to be, his way of dealing with conflict is childish and abusive.

Yes he has every right to be upset but she has apologized and they should discuss it, apologize and move on like adults rather than ignoring her for days and playing silly games via text with abusive words and threatening to break up.

@Tracey555 you need to find a way for both of you to get on the same page about how to handle conflict and issues if not you should walk away.

Edited
Show quote history

The word abuse is being abused.
silent treatment can be a form of abuse, or can simply be someone being overwhelmed and not knowing how to make a repair attempt. Also threats to separate- can be abusive, or equally the actions of someone who had fallen into despair or hopelessness because they don’t have the tools to fix the situation

there's so much actual abuse out there, we do ourselves and the victims a disservice by applying this word so liberally

OP fwiw it sounds like he doesn’t have a great emotional toolkit at the very least and that is a problem, especially if he doesn’t recognise it.

Original poster
Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 20:24

Mewling · 07/08/2025 20:17

No it wouldn’t, you’re absolutely right. I’m just wondering why you spend your afternoons in a pub with him and his mates. Having been in a relationship like that, it’s a particularly toxic way to spend your time on a daily basis.

Show quote history

It’s not daily as I’m usually at work, I’m off for the Summer, but these men are regular ‘drinkers’ so it is something we do when we are there, he is a drinker anyway.

OP posts:
Bonden · 07/08/2025 20:24

I think he’s an arse

Original poster
Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 20:23

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 07/08/2025 20:20

Why would you draw attention to him in such an embarrassing way?

I don’t know. I already know it was wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 20:21

Ilovelifeverymuch · 07/08/2025 20:14

Yes she was wrong which she admits but the bigger issue here is how he handles and resolves conflict. Unless OP is always insulting him in public as opposed to a one off careless remark which this seems to be, his way of dealing with conflict is childish and abusive.

Yes he has every right to be upset but she has apologized and they should discuss it, apologize and move on like adults rather than ignoring her for days and playing silly games via text with abusive words and threatening to break up.

@Tracey555 you need to find a way for both of you to get on the same page about how to handle conflict and issues if not you should walk away.

Edited
Show quote history

Thank you for your kindness, yes we have a long history of this style of conflict communication, I have never said anything like this to him before or in public, in fact the very opposite, I am usually a supportive partner, I feel ashamed for what I said.

But I now feel anxious, I haven’t reached out as he will need space, and he hasn’t contacted me, so I will have to sit it out now.

OP posts:
CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 07/08/2025 20:20

Why would you draw attention to him in such an embarrassing way?

Mewling · 07/08/2025 20:17

Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 20:13

No I had not, and if I had it wouldn’t be a good excuse would it.

Show quote history

No it wouldn’t, you’re absolutely right. I’m just wondering why you spend your afternoons in a pub with him and his mates. Having been in a relationship like that, it’s a particularly toxic way to spend your time on a daily basis.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 07/08/2025 20:14

Mrsttcno1 · 07/08/2025 18:46

You deliberately embarrassed him and are wondering why he’s unhappy?

Yes she was wrong which she admits but the bigger issue here is how he handles and resolves conflict. Unless OP is always insulting him in public as opposed to a one off careless remark which this seems to be, his way of dealing with conflict is childish and abusive.

Yes he has every right to be upset but she has apologized and they should discuss it, apologize and move on like adults rather than ignoring her for days and playing silly games via text with abusive words and threatening to break up.

@Tracey555 you need to find a way for both of you to get on the same page about how to handle conflict and issues if not you should walk away.

Original poster
Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 20:13

Mewling · 07/08/2025 19:47

Had you been drinking, OP?

No I had not, and if I had it wouldn’t be a good excuse would it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 20:07

TY78910 · 07/08/2025 20:00

I don’t understand how people think an apology suddenly switches someone’s mood back to happy clappy again. You need to let emotions cool. You apologised and argued, leave it there and reach out tomorrow asking to meet so you can apologise again. They’re his acquaintances, you’ve slotted in and are making jokes at his expense. Just actually think about how that makes him feel and tell him that tomorrow. No buts, just apology + I understand the impact. That’s it.

Thank you I know I messed up, I need to give him the space he needs for now

OP posts:
Original poster
Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 20:06

Arlanymor · 07/08/2025 19:59

You’re welcome and thanks for elaborating further. It sounds like you’ve both got into a negative loop in terms of how you both deal with disagreements. You probably both fall into patterns of behaviour - him being silent, you reaching out first to try and instigate communication - neither of which are serving either of you. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it toxic if no one is being deliberately malicious, but I do think you need to alter how you both approach conflict. For me, if someone was being quiet and needed time to process something I think I would say: “Look I am really sorry for what I said, I hope you know I was being thoughtless and I didn’t do it to hurt you on purpose. I am going to go home now and think about how it all came about and you probably want a bit of space from me now anyway. Is it ok if I message you in a day or two?” I know it’s hard to try and be rational when your heart is racing and you have a lump in your stomach from having said something wrong, plus even more so if your rejection issues are kicking in at the same time. But honestly there is a lot of power in removing yourself from a situation before it escalates further and just giving the dust some time to settle. Easier said than done, I know, but trust me, it does work.

Show quote history

Thank you it’s hard to break old patterns, but if I haven’t already messed this up, I will try. I think I reach out because I’m scared the relationship is over I guess.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 07/08/2025 20:02

TY78910 · 07/08/2025 20:00

I don’t understand how people think an apology suddenly switches someone’s mood back to happy clappy again. You need to let emotions cool. You apologised and argued, leave it there and reach out tomorrow asking to meet so you can apologise again. They’re his acquaintances, you’ve slotted in and are making jokes at his expense. Just actually think about how that makes him feel and tell him that tomorrow. No buts, just apology + I understand the impact. That’s it.

Good advice.

TY78910 · 07/08/2025 20:00

I don’t understand how people think an apology suddenly switches someone’s mood back to happy clappy again. You need to let emotions cool. You apologised and argued, leave it there and reach out tomorrow asking to meet so you can apologise again. They’re his acquaintances, you’ve slotted in and are making jokes at his expense. Just actually think about how that makes him feel and tell him that tomorrow. No buts, just apology + I understand the impact. That’s it.

Arlanymor · 07/08/2025 19:59

Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 19:49

Thank you, you have made some really good points, you are right I did expect him to ‘perk up’ when really I should have allowed him to feel the hurt and process it….we argued because he was silent with me, no eye contact nothing, for me it felt like I was punished, the context didn’t matter, even though I was in the wrong 100%, as this is how it always plays out.

with regards to the no contact, I honestly don’t know how long it Would go on, because yes it is always me who cracks…and he knows that too. I don’t deal with rejection very well, due to my history, that is something I need to work on within myself.

Show quote history

You’re welcome and thanks for elaborating further. It sounds like you’ve both got into a negative loop in terms of how you both deal with disagreements. You probably both fall into patterns of behaviour - him being silent, you reaching out first to try and instigate communication - neither of which are serving either of you. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it toxic if no one is being deliberately malicious, but I do think you need to alter how you both approach conflict. For me, if someone was being quiet and needed time to process something I think I would say: “Look I am really sorry for what I said, I hope you know I was being thoughtless and I didn’t do it to hurt you on purpose. I am going to go home now and think about how it all came about and you probably want a bit of space from me now anyway. Is it ok if I message you in a day or two?” I know it’s hard to try and be rational when your heart is racing and you have a lump in your stomach from having said something wrong, plus even more so if your rejection issues are kicking in at the same time. But honestly there is a lot of power in removing yourself from a situation before it escalates further and just giving the dust some time to settle. Easier said than done, I know, but trust me, it does work.

Enrichetta · 07/08/2025 19:57

I don’t want to message him as he usually upsets me more with his response, with veiled threats of us breaking up etc, if I don’t message he ignores me until I reach out.…. in any argument we have, regardless of who was to blame, it’s always me who reaches out, and I don’t mean after a couple of hours, it can go on for days.

This is who he is, @Tracey555 - he won’t change, the whole relationship is both toxic and pointless- so why would you want to stay with him?

Plus, why do you often spend your afternoon in the pub, drinking with regulars who presumably are not real friends? Surely you realise that you could use your time more productively…

Original poster
Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 19:57

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 07/08/2025 19:56

Would he say the same?

Show quote history

Yes

OP posts:
PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 07/08/2025 19:56

Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 19:54

No I have never humiliated him before.

Show quote history

Would he say the same?

Original poster
Tracey555 · 07/08/2025 19:54

whitewineandsun · 07/08/2025 19:52

Do you often humiliate him like that? I'd be over it, too.

He should just have told you, though, instead of the stupid silent treatment.

No I have never humiliated him before.

OP posts:
whitewineandsun · 07/08/2025 19:53

Agapornis · 07/08/2025 19:49

I'm a foreigner living in the UK. I wouldn't date someone who made remarks like the one you made, because it's hard enough to fit in without dealing with xenophobia.

Neither of you seem right for each other.

This. I'm not there anymore, but I agree.

OtterlyMad · 07/08/2025 19:52

DoYouReally · 07/08/2025 18:47

You basically publicly announced that he's an idiot.

It's insulting even if accurate.

This made me cackle