Fall out with partner over my disrespect.

Not really, are you saying you've never said anything to upset your spouse before???

If this was a regular occurrence then yes I would agree with you but for a one off silly comment no I don't agree. The important thing is she owned it, apologized and regrets it.

And I am back of Nigerian heritage albeit born in the UK and whilst her comment was wrong and upsetting I don't see it as racist or xenophobic unless it's something she does every time with malicious intent.

I know what she is talking about when she said he doesn't understand what was said and I've had it eg with my cousin who visited from Nigeria (this was a long time ago) and couldn't understand some Brits or get the jokes due to lack of local knowledge but laughing just to keep carry on and I teased him that I know you didn't get the joke and we laughed. Yes I didn't say it in front of people which she did but she has owned it and apologized.

Her question is about how he deals with the aftermath of conflict not going on and on about how she is racist and this and that.

You can only focus on your actions and reactions. Not his. You’ll go into a doom spiral otherwise. Distract yourself for now. Tomorrow is another day and if you message them and he’s cold then you can decide if that’s acceptable to you or not.

I don't see the comment as anything more than a mild observation if someone had said it to me..I'd have said yeah I know all about o levels or I know laughing is infectious I haven't got a clue and laughed. All over. Choosing to seethe and silent treatment is just an attempt to control...the very opposite of an open comment that can be challenged and incredibly unloving and unhealthy. Don't be too hard on yourself OP 💐 dont let it ruin a moment of this precious life 💐

Don’t message tonight, as we’ve said. He needs space. You need to reset this urge to communicate with him because you’re scared of what silence means. I would honestly leave it 24 hours from the time you left the house and then message with an apology, stating that you have taken time to think things over and you are very genuinely sorry that it happened. But please leave it for tonight if you really do want to break this cycle that the pair of you have got into.

I used to do this. I was brought up in a family that takes the piss at any opportunity. Basically, if it gets a laugh then it’s fair game. My husband, understandably, didn’t see it like that and just thought I was being mean.

Now I’m probably going to get some sh1t for this but I was advised to read a book called “the empowered wife”. I don’t follow it to the letter (the chapter about money I skip right over!) but it’s really helped. The main message is that men need respect like they need air.

This time, it was your fault, although unintentionally, you singled him out, embarrassing him, like he's some laughing idiot that has no idea of what is happening.

Sorry OP, but he sounds like a dick. The silent treatment is abusive and it sounds like it's what he does all the time, any time you step out of line.

Your comment was unkind, yes, and maybe you didn't give him time to process his feelings about it. But you don't have to be a perfect person - no one is. And in a healthy relationship, your partner would let you know he's hurt and either talk about it with you and give you a chance to make amends, or let you know that it's not okay with him and end the relationship. If he needed space to sort his head out, he would be able to let you know that, too.

When you are in a healthy relationship, you don't feel this kind of anxiety and stress all the time and the terror that you'll be rejected. You don't feel you're being ignored or threatened by your partner. This really doesn't sound good, OP. Maybe this is a good opportunity to break free. I don't see this getting better. In reality, what does he actually have to offer you?

To be fair to OP her thread title was fairly strong - she said ‘my disrespect’ - she never termed it silly or tried to diminish it.

Stop wasting your time responding to posts like that, they intentionally ignore your true questions and keep making things up in their head and throwing accusations

@Ilovelifeverymuch I would argue that if you do that to someone you love 'without thinking' there's already quite a big fracture in the relationship. So I'm interested in what's gone on before this 'silly comment'

i think you have not chosen a good example to ask for opinions on as your comment is hurtful.
But I think you are selling yourself short in this relationship if what is happening is that you are off over the summer and your afternoons are spent in a pub with this man and his friends. Is this really how you want to spend your time? What do you both do which is nice, as a couple, just you, which you enjoy?
Also, if you cannot discuss issues and it descends into silent treatment, then I don’t see how you can be true to yourself because you are always scared of rejection and the silent treatment.

I understand posters saying he may be hurt and need space, but the mature conversation is for him to express that he does need space to process things and that he will be in touch when he has. Every argument should not have you thinking that the relationship is over. It should be a way for you to move forward in a way which suits you both better.

Too true!

Totally agree as well. Sage words.

We’re never short of those!

OP, I understand that awful fear and panic that makes you feel you have to deal with things immediately. It can make you act impulsively by trying to force an issue that needs time and contemplation. Try to learn to be patient and kind with yourself and others.

No and as she acknowledged it was a silly statement that she made without thinking and regrets and has apologized, calling her racist and xenophobic and saying she has regressed feelings is just ridiculously reaching.

And the fact remains that her partner has bigger issues with the way he handles conflict, yes this time she was wrong and has apologized but this is the yay he handles every conflict and it's unhealthy and abusive.

@Ilovelifeverymuch

It's not really that normal to purposefully humiliate someone you love in public.

This tbh.

Jeez why are you all making shit up, same as @Sweetlikecocaa claiming she's racist etc.

It was just a silly comment and you've all extrapolated and made all these random assumptions about how she must be racist and she must be xenophobic and she must have repressed rags jeez.

@Tracey555 I said it comes across that way.... I didn't say you actually was. I know you must regret saying it but I sometimes think people don't even realise they are being racist.

If you were foreign and someone was mocking your accent I don't think you would find it funny.

Op, do you think you have repressed rage towards him and that's why you humiliated him? Once you do this, you lose. Better to own the hurt.

You knew what you were doing OP. Youve definitely said things like this before. It comes across as racist OP!

You've even said he misundesrand things. It's so rude! I'd ignore you as well.