Whats the Right Thing to Do with Boyfriend Moving in and Bills etc?

If he is self-employed but there isn't any work during the summer period, why isn't he taking care of himself financially and either doing other work during time or working for an employer part-time? Has he really not had the chance to do any work or has he enjoyed just doing nothing with you?

I am sorry I was harsh but I felt it needed to be said! I remember those first few months and they are utterly intoxicating. But they are temporary in that true deep love doesnt involve not being able to keep your hands off each other all the time. It involves not having sex for a couple of weeks because one of you is ill and the other one being understanding about it. Its about him holding your hair when you are puking with illness (or gin....whatever!) and you bringing him the dressing gown of doom when he has a cold...sorry, the plague. Its about putting up with the less than pleasant members of his family and him being nice to your boss even though the boss is a dick to you.

Its about surviving real life, knowing the faults and foibles and then still finding each other sexy and attractive in a deeper sense than just "I want to sit on your face!".

I had a 5 year relationship that ended late last year as we're basically, incompatible. But I loved him very much and we made the joint decision to not live with each other as we were secure and happy with how things were. We prioritised the times we were together (usually every other long weekend and one night in the week) and talked every day when apart. I wasnt denying myself anything, there are other healthy ways to have relationships than living together or being married.

I am sure that when the fanny gallops ease a little (I have to admit, I miss those!) you will start to think a little straighter. I hope it works out, I really do, and thats why we are all suggesting you need to slow down. Going at it like a bull at a gate is more likely to have it fail than slow and steady. Enjoy!

Slow down OP.

Can you see that thinking about moving him in after only 4 months is very unusual? If he hates where he lives then surely the solution is that he looks for another place to rent on his own for a year or so while your relationship develops at a normal pace?

It worries me that you have instead jumped straight to him moving in. Are you a rescuer personality? Have a read up on this and see if it rings true.

Definitely get legal advice on the best way to approach this but also wait. He can move closer if he wants. But it’s way too early for him to move in

OP, if/when the time comes to discuss moving in, why not ask him what he considers a fair contribution?

Would one solution be that if he moved in, he kept his flat for at least six months. He would have to keep paying his rent, so his financial contribution to you would be limited to basically covering his costs, which might be a similar amount to what he currently pays in his flat.

If it didn't work out, he could move back to his flat, so he wouldn't be homeless. Neither of you would be greatly better or worse off financially. But he also wouldn't have any claim as he wouldn't have contributed much.

@bigkahunaburger I would split all bills excluding mortgage 50/50 including groceries. Cohabitation agreement in place so he can't claim on the house. Mortgage and renovation costs for you to sort and review his contribution to bills every 6 months or so, as they will go up over time and this makes sure he pays his fair share then I would save the money you're no longer spending on bills. He should do the same and if in a few years you want to buy a house together, ring fence your deposit accordingly

It’s the endorphins! Honestly I bet your skin is fab and glowing too!

It's powerful stuff. It can make us reckless.

Seriously though, there's no rush. Just enjoy it for the minute. Go away on holiday or something.

Four months is very early days I’m 3 years in and I know now I won’t be moving into his and putting myself at risk as I currently rent. I’d have said the same at 4 months , but now no way , you need to give it more time, you’ve not seen the real him as yet I’m sure, just enjoy it for now.

Don’t say you are ancient, I am four years younger and I feel spring chickenish! I bought something naughty in Ann Summers on Saturday!

How much has he been contributing to you while spending most of the week at your house already? As he should have been giving you at least £500 a month for food etc and him using the shower etc means more water more electricity etc etc and any DECENT man would have not just offered but insisted and been paying for food and takeaways as he’s saving £££ otherwise!! THIS shows how much of a cocklodger or a user he is if he hasn’t even offered let alone insisted!!

Doesn't sound as if you've been together long. Deep in the trenches of the fanny gallops and oxytocin.

There's no rush OP.

I'd rent my own house out and move in with HIM. Do the flat up or get another one.

Your asset is protected and you will be in lovey dovey heaven absolutely splitting the costs between you. If it works out after a year well then, think again about moving into your house. If for some reason the starstruck feeling goes out the window, off you go back to your house and he stays renting.

You are star struck and in love, and that's lovely. Enjoy it, but I wouldn't move him in at all.

All the people saying if he pays rent he will have a claim on the house yet when a women who has been in a relationship for 30 odd years with kids are told they have no claim as they are not on the deeds when they wish to break up 🤷‍♀️. I’d charge him lodger rates of 600 and then split food etc .. why on earth should he live rent free .. he will still be substantially better off and the op worse off. Will be v telling how he reacts

Timings aside, when it comes to working out how to sort financial contributions I’d work what it is costing each of you to live separately with rent/mortgage, bills and food, then work out what it’s going to cost to live together. Then work out what your combined saving will be and split that in half. He then contributes whatever he’d worked out his living costs to be alone minus half the joint saving. That way you’re both the same amount of better off for living together.

And that sounds lovely, but in the same way that you said him staying over isn’t the same as him living with you, it’s also not the same as going away together in a completely new place without home comforts. I think holidays are a great litmus test as to how things will or won’t work. Believe you me, when you’ve both had gastroenteritis for a week in Malta then you’ll know if he’s a keeper or not!

In my situation - reader he was not! He was a big whingy baby who hogged the bathroom and drank all the bottled water! Contrast with my favourite person in the world who the first time he met my parents was unfortunate enough to step in a big pile of cat sick in bare feet and said: “Whoops I am so terribly sorry!” It was their cat and it had gone unnoticed because he’d scarfed down all his food too quickly (cat, not favourite person). He was a complete darling about it, even offered to help clean it up and managed to laugh about it. I get happy shivers thinking about what a brilliant person he was in that moment.

I love that you are so happy - keep the vibe going, but no talk of moving in until the twelve month mark rolls around m’kay? Promise?! And have a chat about booking a bit of time away, even a weekend city break. Something nice to look forward to AND will make you feel you are moving forward in the relationship.

"Well i do think when you know you know. Im not a serial 'fall in love at the drop of a hat' woman. Ive loved two men in my life - my ex husband of 21 years (who turned out to be a complete knob) and this guy."

Your picker does not seem to be trustworthy at picking. Did your ex husband not financially ruin you? And now that you are finally back on your feet after a lot of work, you want to rush into living with someone you've only been involved with for 4 months and risk your main financial asset? I have horseradish in my fridge older than your relationship. You say you knew this guy from before, but being romantically involved is a whole different story.

Do you see a pattern?

Frankly, you sound dickmatized and that is not a state to make life decisions in. Slow your roll. Enjoy your relationship for a while.

Are you afraid he'll dump you if you don't move him in? I just don't see any reason for you to be so over the top about it otherwise.

Yes you do both

Haha I added this!!