Whats the Right Thing to Do with Boyfriend Moving in and Bills etc?

bigkahunaburger · 2025-08-07T16:58:50+00:00

So I divorced 8 years ago and go spectacularly burned financially. Im super fearful of that happening again. Anyway, madly in love for the first time since my divorce to the most wonderful man. He spends almost all week with me now and something has to give because I think soon we will have to make it official that he moves in. All the tooing and frowing for him must be getting to him. And we are very serious about each other. So I own my place. He rents - 850 a month for a 1 bedder in (his words) a shithole. I live in a 2 bed very lovely coach house in a way better area. He loves where I live and loves staying at mine. Theres zero parking at his and I have a garage and three parking spaces weirdly. Anyway, i want to protect myself and doing a bit of research, it seems to suggest I should get him to sign a lodger agreement. Is that right? And what would be fair to charge him? The going rate for the other room? On spare room it would be about 800 inc bills. That seems quite unfair of me though because he is giving up his own place to live with me. From what I have read, I can't let him contribute in any way to mortgage, or maintenance - like renovating or replacing a boiler - as then he'd have a claim on my place. So i thought make it a lodger rate for the room and bills included. Then he won't have his name on any bills and that protects me further I believe. Also, should I wait for him to ask to move in with me, or should I be the one asking? I dont want to pressure him, and I don't really know how to present it. I would love to hear from anyone whose been though this, and how best I should move forward. I feel the conversation may be imminent and I want to be fully prepared and not get swept away by the romance of it all! Thanks everyone.

SortingItOut · 11/08/2025 12:35

bigkahunaburger · 11/08/2025 09:41

Really? So if the time came where we wanted to marry can I protect my home, and my future inheritance (which will be substantial)? Is that possible?

I would want to be able to walk away with my home and the inheritance from my parents if I divorced again.

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You can protect your home and future inheritance but not via a pre-nup.

Before you do anything, whether thats just him living in your house or buying together or getting married you need to get legal advice.
It might cost a bit but it could save you hundreds of thousands in the event things dont work out.

Generally the advice is that if you have substantial assets its probably best not to get married unless you accept that you could lose it all in divorce.

I am divorced and I'd never marry again, I have too much to lose in the event I got divorced again.
Even my DD who is early 20's doesnt want to get married and plans to buy her own house and if she meets someone they can then buy another property together.

Original poster

bigkahunaburger · 11/08/2025 09:41

SortingItOut · 08/08/2025 07:04

Only 1 person has mentioned about him contributing now....so I also want to mention it.

He stays at yours and lot so is eating food and presumably having baths/showers and helping his washing.

What is he currently contributing?
Is he going half for the food that is purchased?
Is he paying for water and electric he is using as he's saving money at his flat?

Whatever the answer to this will be very telling.....

Also pre-nups in the UK are not really a thing, although you can have one there are lots of cases where they dont stand up in a divorce court.
Once a marriage goes over 5 years its considered a long marriage and all assets are in the 'pot'

Why do you want to marry him?
What difference would it make to your relationship?

Really? So if the time came where we wanted to marry can I protect my home, and my future inheritance (which will be substantial)? Is that possible?

I would want to be able to walk away with my home and the inheritance from my parents if I divorced again.

OP posts:

ChuppaChupp · 10/08/2025 14:37

OP,
Thanks everyone. I can see Im being a bit of a knob. I will reassess in a year.

Maybe you are a being a bit daft but don’t let that stop you from having a fantastic time with you BF. It sounds like a fun and exciting time for your both. It’s how it should be!!!

Enjoy it for what it is and wait and see how things go.

Original poster

bigkahunaburger · 10/08/2025 12:33

amicisimma · 08/08/2025 22:59

4 summer months with neither of you really working, in your idyllic cottage by the sea? Is this a Jenny Colgan novel?

Real life: competing for the bathroom as you're both late for work, coming in exhausted and facing the other person's breakfast dishes in the sink, arguing about who shops and who cooks and who washes up, or the person who was going to cook 'having' to go out with people from work, irritation with little personality quirks, who puts the bins out when it's pouring with rain, or brings them in. Need I go on?

I agree with the PPs who suggest enjoying these halcyon days without making any plans now, then reviewing the situation in 12 months.

This made me laugh because its so true. Im in a bubble - things will be quite different when I get back to work.

Thanks everyone. I can see Im being a bit of a knob. I will reassess in a year.

Thank you wise ones. Just goes to show doesn't matter how old you get we can all get swept up in romance. And there was me worried I was turning into a complete cynical old pessimist who scoffed at romcoms.

OP posts:

amicisimma · 08/08/2025 22:59

4 summer months with neither of you really working, in your idyllic cottage by the sea? Is this a Jenny Colgan novel?

Real life: competing for the bathroom as you're both late for work, coming in exhausted and facing the other person's breakfast dishes in the sink, arguing about who shops and who cooks and who washes up, or the person who was going to cook 'having' to go out with people from work, irritation with little personality quirks, who puts the bins out when it's pouring with rain, or brings them in. Need I go on?

I agree with the PPs who suggest enjoying these halcyon days without making any plans now, then reviewing the situation in 12 months.

THisbackwithavengeance · 08/08/2025 16:27

If you want to share your life together and get married then you have to face the fact that you leave your assets open to being shared out should you split later on.

That’s marriage for you. If you were a man, people would be telling your girlfriend to get her name on the deeds PDQ.

Original poster

bigkahunaburger · 08/08/2025 09:09

ChuppaChupp · 08/08/2025 08:39

He does pay a lot when we go out for food and entry fees etc. And his petrol bill must be ginormous

Ok, so why are you letting him pay? Do you offer? It all sounds very old fashioned. Do you just stand there and let him pay 🤔 If you get on so well how about sitting down now and agreeing to split all costs. It’s fairer and easier. It’s incredible easy to do with apps such as Splitwise etc.

I pay for things all the time. I dont think the man should pay if that is what you are driving at. I buy him presents, food, I try and pay for food, and he lets me sometimes, sometimes he gets it. Hes not tight, and neither am I.

Its my birthday tomorrow and he offered to take me for a fancy dinner, night in a hotel etc, but actually all I wanted was to go to this particular historic site with him and come home and have a take away. So thats what we are doing. I dont know what hes got me, but its exciting to spend my birthday with him. Im not usually into my birthday - but today Im like 'its my birthday eve' :)

OP posts:

Original poster

bigkahunaburger · 08/08/2025 09:04

ChuppaChupp · 08/08/2025 08:31

But OP isn’t thinking to move him in today! She is exploring her options for the future.

OP, I’d love someone to do all the driving so if he’s providing the car and doing the driving I’d be happier to host him. Not sure why you are worrying about his food though.🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s fair enough not wanting to ask for money for showers etc at this stage but that shouldn’t be because you feel ‘super weird and tight’. That’s a silly approach. If it’s a good relationship you should feel comfortable taking about money. Life is expensive and you’ve been shafted in the past by you divorce so it’s sensible to be sensible.

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Yeh I am terribly bad at that, and get taken advantage of. Im very generous, and love to fuss over people, but the tightwads see me coming! Im aware of who they are. (Im looking at you brother, and my niece). I do have to make sure he isnt one of those. He certainly doesnt seem to be, but as everyone says its early doors.

OP posts:

ObliviousCoalmine · 08/08/2025 08:41

4 months! I’ve got cheese older than that!

ChuppaChupp · 08/08/2025 08:39

He does pay a lot when we go out for food and entry fees etc. And his petrol bill must be ginormous

Ok, so why are you letting him pay? Do you offer? It all sounds very old fashioned. Do you just stand there and let him pay 🤔 If you get on so well how about sitting down now and agreeing to split all costs. It’s fairer and easier. It’s incredible easy to do with apps such as Splitwise etc.

ChuppaChupp · 08/08/2025 08:31

Radiowaawaa · 08/08/2025 08:03

4 months???

Blimey.

But OP isn’t thinking to move him in today! She is exploring her options for the future.

OP, I’d love someone to do all the driving so if he’s providing the car and doing the driving I’d be happier to host him. Not sure why you are worrying about his food though.🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s fair enough not wanting to ask for money for showers etc at this stage but that shouldn’t be because you feel ‘super weird and tight’. That’s a silly approach. If it’s a good relationship you should feel comfortable taking about money. Life is expensive and you’ve been shafted in the past by you divorce so it’s sensible to be sensible.

Original poster

bigkahunaburger · 08/08/2025 08:18

Rentals was I live are waaaayyyy higher than where he does. So he pays 850 - the equivalent here would be 1400. So thats not an option.

I would never move there either - I hate the city, and I love where I live and my lifestyle and I am walking distance to all my family and friends.

I appreciate all the ideas though, just not right in my situation.

He does pay a lot when we go out for food and entry fees etc. And his petrol bill must be ginormous. I wouldn't feel comfortable asking him or accepting contributions at the minute which is why I was thinking it should be formalised by the end of the year if we are still in the same place. I dont think its right longer term that hes saving a packet and my bills are increasing - I agree.

OP posts:

beAsensible1 · 08/08/2025 08:10

But also if he looks for a 1 bed near you to rent for a year I’m sure it would be much cheaper than the city centre. You guys could be closer and be more familiar rather than than moving in together after 4 months

and he can experience the reality of living 20miles from his workplace and the commute etc

beAsensible1 · 08/08/2025 08:05

If he pays all bills and food that should be decent amount no?

Radiowaawaa · 08/08/2025 08:03

4 months???

Blimey.

Ohmygodthepain · 08/08/2025 07:55

What's the phrase I've heard on here before?

"Noone so in love as a man who is looking for somewhere to live"

Wait op. At the moment he has NOTHING to loose. He's paying rent but saving on bills as he's spending so much time at yours. You're getting food in for him, as well as paying extra for utilities when he stays. Of COURSE he'd love to move in with you soon - not only are you looking at losing any benefits but he's also going to be saving money by not renting.

Hold your horses. Seek legal advice - you need to lead with your head rather than your heart (or fanny gallops) as you want to protect yourself.

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 08/08/2025 07:54

These comments don’t make sense so please bear with, I read all the time on here about women living with a man for years and years without being married then walking away with nothing because she wasn’t protected financially. And yet now I read if he pays the bills he can stake a claim. Honestly I don’t get it.

SortingItOut · 08/08/2025 07:38

bigkahunaburger · 08/08/2025 07:28

sortingitout

See I disagree. I treat him as a guest. Id be mortified if he offered me money for showers??? He is a weird eater - he eats beige - and he brings his own food, but I am always trying to get him stuff in I know he likes because, well hes my guest. As I say, hes back and forth. His work and home is 20 miles away, and he works funny hours - so sometimes has clients from 6-9am then none til 5-9. He might come at 9 and then stay for 36 hours say, then be back 2 days later. I would feel super weird and tight asking him for money for showers!!!! Anyway, we go out all the time (we are history and garden nerds) so we spend hours at abbeys, and castles etc and he does all the driving us around.

But has he offered?
Even if you didn't accept....

Is he your guest or is he your boyfriend?
If you were spending an equal amount of time at his then that's different.
He's practically moved in......how long do you envision him being a guest?

He drives you both around to visit places but who will paying the entry fee and lunch while out?

Original poster

bigkahunaburger · 08/08/2025 07:28

sortingitout

See I disagree. I treat him as a guest. Id be mortified if he offered me money for showers??? He is a weird eater - he eats beige - and he brings his own food, but I am always trying to get him stuff in I know he likes because, well hes my guest. As I say, hes back and forth. His work and home is 20 miles away, and he works funny hours - so sometimes has clients from 6-9am then none til 5-9. He might come at 9 and then stay for 36 hours say, then be back 2 days later. I would feel super weird and tight asking him for money for showers!!!! Anyway, we go out all the time (we are history and garden nerds) so we spend hours at abbeys, and castles etc and he does all the driving us around.

OP posts:

ItsNotMeEither · 08/08/2025 07:27

I know you can't dictate what he should do, but...I'd be suggesting the Lodger Agreement, on a very cheap 450/500, on the proviso that he waves the difference to eventually put a deposit on an investment property.

Down the line, should you break up, he has no claim on your place, but he does have a toe in the property market himself. Should things go so brilliantly that 10 years from now you're both still in love, you'll both have places you can sell, buy something together and use any leftover funds to kick start your retirement adventures.

Should he find a way to waste his savings, then that's a red flag.

If you're both committed, this could be a win/win. If he slackens off on work, because he too busy with you (pussystruck?) and wastes the extra funds, that would give me the ick.

SortingItOut · 08/08/2025 07:04

Only 1 person has mentioned about him contributing now....so I also want to mention it.

He stays at yours and lot so is eating food and presumably having baths/showers and helping his washing.

What is he currently contributing?
Is he going half for the food that is purchased?
Is he paying for water and electric he is using as he's saving money at his flat?

Whatever the answer to this will be very telling.....

Also pre-nups in the UK are not really a thing, although you can have one there are lots of cases where they dont stand up in a divorce court.
Once a marriage goes over 5 years its considered a long marriage and all assets are in the 'pot'

Why do you want to marry him?
What difference would it make to your relationship?

Original poster

bigkahunaburger · 08/08/2025 07:03

healthybychristmas · 07/08/2025 23:18

If he is self-employed but there isn't any work during the summer period, why isn't he taking care of himself financially and either doing other work during time or working for an employer part-time? Has he really not had the chance to do any work or has he enjoyed just doing nothing with you?

He is still working but its leaner months and he has savings that cover it. Im not working at all. So we have had more time than we would usually to be together was my point. Its like we are on holiday a lot we spend days together. That was my point - so only 4 months but spending a lot of time together. Once September hits things will different which will suck.

OP posts:

MargotMoon · 08/08/2025 06:48

As someone who ended up with a CL I think your idea of a lodger’s agreement is an excellent one. Good luck! Hopefully you’ll never need to kick him out

ChuppaChupp · 07/08/2025 23:25

OP, it’s fantastic that you are so happy in your relationship and I think it’s a really great sign that you are also thinking ahead about what happens if/when he moves in. As long as you give it some thought and take steps to protect your house etc then I don’t see the risk of him moving in. It’s not like you are going to have kids together. If he moves in and it doesn’t work out then he has to move out. I don’t see the problem.
I wouldn’t marry him though!

Arlanymor · 07/08/2025 23:18

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/08/2025 21:21

I am sorry I was harsh but I felt it needed to be said! I remember those first few months and they are utterly intoxicating. But they are temporary in that true deep love doesnt involve not being able to keep your hands off each other all the time. It involves not having sex for a couple of weeks because one of you is ill and the other one being understanding about it. Its about him holding your hair when you are puking with illness (or gin....whatever!) and you bringing him the dressing gown of doom when he has a cold...sorry, the plague. Its about putting up with the less than pleasant members of his family and him being nice to your boss even though the boss is a dick to you.

Its about surviving real life, knowing the faults and foibles and then still finding each other sexy and attractive in a deeper sense than just "I want to sit on your face!".

I had a 5 year relationship that ended late last year as we're basically, incompatible. But I loved him very much and we made the joint decision to not live with each other as we were secure and happy with how things were. We prioritised the times we were together (usually every other long weekend and one night in the week) and talked every day when apart. I wasnt denying myself anything, there are other healthy ways to have relationships than living together or being married.

I am sure that when the fanny gallops ease a little (I have to admit, I miss those!) you will start to think a little straighter. I hope it works out, I really do, and thats why we are all suggesting you need to slow down. Going at it like a bull at a gate is more likely to have it fail than slow and steady. Enjoy!

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Fabulous and genuine post.