I'm worried about my brother and could do with some outside perspective. For context, he's 48 and I'm 45. He lives with our 78-year-old mother in the family home. I live 200 miles away. Brother had MH problems in his teens and 20s which held him back and stopped him working and forming relationships. When he was 29, my dad died. I had moved away by then with my boyfriend (now husband). My mother had been with my dad since they were 15 and was totally broken (anti-depressants, constant crying, near breakdown). She sort of clung to my brother, and it suited both of them to carry on living together – he didn't have to worry about rent or bills, and she got company and support.
Unfortunately, as the years have gone by they've developed a pretty toxic/co-dependent relationship. In his 30s, he grew more confident and did a bit of dating. I know there were a couple of women he could have built serious relationships with, but he let them go, partly (I think) because he felt responsible for my mother. It isn't all one sided, however. He's an avoidant, introverted, depressed sort of character without any interest in a career. Taking care of my mother became an excuse. He did an MA in literature at the local uni and could have been a teacher, but I know he'd have hated it. He isn't on the spectrum btw. That much I'm sure of. I'd say he had a full-blown avoidant personality disorder in his teens (which he still struggles with).
The older he's got, however, the more ashamed he feels, and the shame reinforces the avoidance. He's never really worked and just makes do with side hussles. But I'm worried about the future. He's 48 and she's 78. As he moves into his 50s and she moves into her 80s I can see things getting messy. He doesn't speak to the neighbours (mainly because of shame) and has lost touch with all his friends (again because of shame). If my mother gets ill and has to go into a home, I'm not sure what rights he'd have. Would the LA take the house and sell it? Would he be homeless? Even if my mother dies suddenly and he gets his inheritance, he'll be a 50-something man with no partner, no friends, no job and no experience of surviving on his own.
I was speaking to someone about all this the other day. She said she used to work in social care and often dealt with middle-aged men like him – men who'd never been officially diagnosed with anything, and never had therapy or claimed benefits. They'd just lived with their parents in the family home and hidden away from the world. Then the parents die and everything falls apart. They've often got poor physical health, no life skills, no work experience, and no social life. I've tried talking to them, but they've got their heads in the sand. I know my brother would rather have moved away, but I don't think he ever felt he could, and now he feels trapped. In reality, he is trapped. I wish I could do more tbh, but I'm 200 miles away with three kids and a stressed husband. Whenever I've tried talking to my mother she just cries. And my brother doesn't want to know.