Page 17 | On holiday and I don’t know if I’m unreasonable!

SunnyBlueSeal · 2025-08-07T14:01:43+00:00

I’m really hoping for some perspective here. We are currently in Spain with my friends for a holiday. It’s us ( myself, DH and DC 14,16 ) and my friends ( Kate, Neil, DC 14,17) obviously names are changed. Kate was my friend for a few years through the activities. They invited us for a holiday with them. We booked two different villas about 5min walk from each other and right on the beach. Since we got here, Kate and my DH are spending more and more time together. This is our full third day here, and so far today, they met running at 7am and booked a spontaneous paddle boarding for themselves at 10am. We were all on the beach later and went for a lunch. I went back to the villa to get some plasters and they both turned up. My DH said he is changing his top as he and Kate will walk to the town to get a few bits. All of the DC are spending their time on the beach learning windsurfing with the local club so I don’t need DH to help with childcare. Kate’s husband Neil has a work project to do so he spends about 5 hours a day working in their villa. I’m starting to feel like a 3rd wheel to my friend and my DH. I’m getting grumpy when I’m around them and I don’t want to push him away but I don’t know how to get out of this mood. And another thing which got me thinking is at the dinner, Kate asked for a sparkling water and my DH said he wants some too. He never drank fucking sparkling water but when I pulled him on it, he said it’s because I only drink a still water so he did too. So for years you were drinking still water because of me? Have a sparkling water if you want! Something is feeling odd and I can’t put my finger on it

KnittingDiva · 07/08/2025 18:41

Like the others say, this is not on at all, I would be raging with both of them. You can't do the paddle boarding but he could instead go for a hike with you.
This friendship they have struck up is a bit weird especially as it has developed while on a holiday with their spouses (as opposed to e.g a college friendship).

You just have to have it out with him (leave her out of it).

samarrange · 07/08/2025 18:40

Taking a step back, you have two adults who are mobile, two who are not (one injured and one working for several hours), and four teenagers. You described two activities that Kate and DH did together, both of which would not have been available to you, both of which sound like fun things to do on a presumably not-cheap holiday with the clock ticking.

Without knowing much about the villa/room situation, it seems unlikely that DH and Kate are shagging, because there is presumably a substantial chance of one of the DC walking in (or hearing). They presumably aren't be at windsurfing class 8 hours a day.

The other thing that occurs to me is that it's going to be very hard for you to raise the issue in anything other than the gentlest terms. If you even remotely insinuate that you suspect that anything is not 100% above board, the holiday will be over in an instant, whatever the truth of the matter. Even if you only insinuate it to your DH.

You could maybe suggest some concrete activities, "How about we do X tomorrow, maybe Neil could join us if he doesn't have a Zoom call", but I think you're going to have to accept that if DH and Kate are sporty, they won't need you around, any more than if it was DH and Neil, with Kate working (assuming nobody is bi, etc etc). But anything much more than "Perhaps we can do X tomorrow since we can all go" is going to open the floodgates, which might not be what you want for you and your DC, even if the worst case is true.

Or, as they say in French, il est urgent d'attendre. Make some gentle suggestions of activities, maybe work on Neil a bit (perhaps he only has work for a few days), and if DH/Kate continue to not involve you, give DH both barrels when you get back home.

Mumofnarnia · 07/08/2025 18:38

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 18:19

Where we are staying it’s very much water sport activities and we have breakfast included in the hotel, although we are not staying there. All DC are doing windsurfing club but through the day, they are with us at the beach, in the water, doing kayaking with us or windsurfing. Neil is working every morning, My DH and Kate will go running around 7am. Then I will see DH back at the villa and I, DH and DC walk to the hotel for breakfast where we meet my friends. Today, they went running and DC had earlier session out on the water so I walked to the breakfast on my own. No one was there so I went to the beach and waited and my DH and Kate came back about 90min later saying that they hired paddle boards. I was annoyed that my DH didn’t tell me but I left it at that. All of us regrouped for lunch. Afterwards, DC went back to the club, Neil had to do some emails and I said I’m going back to the villa to get some plasters for my toe😬. I’m literally there for about 10min ( gone to the loo and looking for plasters ) and my DH is knocking on the door saying he is changing his top as he and Kate are going to the town. She came in and whilst he was changing his top, she was telling me about the shop she wants to show him. It’s all very innocent when I write it but there is something there which isn’t sitting right with me. And I will be very happy to hear that I’m being unreasonable

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How do you know they didn’t turn up at your villa to have a little moment together? But obviously saw you were there so made some excuse up about your DH changing his top. All seems weird to me. Why does she need to accompany your DH back to the villa to change his top? Does he need Kate to hold his hand to get back to the villa and help him change his clothes. How do you know they’ve not been back to the villa together before and you just thought they were out doing their sport.

Id definitely be confronting your DH and telling him either he leaves her alone or your marriage is ruined! Going out for lunch and taking the kids but not asking you? I’d be raging so much id have got my arse down there to ask them what they thought they were playing at and why they decided to exclude you! Who does Kate think she is spending so much time with her friend’s husband. If she’s your friend she should be spending it with you not him! Wow op I’m so angry on your behalf! 😡

AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 18:38

SpaceRaccoon · 07/08/2025 18:29

She came in and whilst he was changing his top, she was telling me about the shop she wants to show him. It’s all very innocent when I write it but there is something there which isn’t sitting right with me.

See I wouldn't find that innocent at all, I'd be absolutely like wtf?! Why is he just casually announcing he's swanning off to town with her instead of you?

Indeed. And unless there was some reason why I couldn't walk into town with them I'd be asking Kate "Oh, aren't I invited then? Don't you think I'd be interested in this shop too?" And at some point later (after speaking seriously to DH) I'd be asking her in a private talk why she's monopolising my DH on holiday?

Waterbortle · 07/08/2025 18:37

I think it's too late for distancing the families to solve it. They're "friends" now, they'll keep in contact as individuals, even if the family stuff stops.

PinkyFlamingo · 07/08/2025 18:36

You really need to stop being so passive and say something.

Waterbortle · 07/08/2025 18:35

AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 18:30

The trouble is we have to remember that the DC are 2 x 14, 16 and 17 so they will be at dinner too. OP really can't say anything in front of the DC at dinner.

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I think she can say, in front of everyone, I'm feeling a bit left out, I know it's rubbish that I can't do everything, but can we plan something I can be included in for tomorrow?"

Or "Its a pain that I'm not able to do all the things I'd usually do on holiday and am not getting much time with DH. I'd like to plan something for the two of us tommorrow"

PrincessScarlett · 07/08/2025 18:34

I would be telling Kate at dinner that you are going to spend the day as a family tomorrow. You need to start putting some distance between the two families.

Thank Christ you are in separate villas.

Lionness5 · 07/08/2025 18:34

Pregnancyquestion · 07/08/2025 18:32

Honestly I’m annoyed on your behalf. I’d show him this thread if he gaslights you

It's never the right advice to show a twat husband a thread about him. He won't suddenly go, I won't listen to the woman I said I loved but I'll behave as a load of strangers have been mean about me.

Datafan55 · 07/08/2025 18:33

AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 18:16

Oh, it's really easy actually.

You never initiate contact with them again.
Every time they message trying to set up a get-together, you don't reply for a day, then send the briefest of messages along the lines "Sorry Kate, I've been really busy and only just seen your message. I'll check my diary and get back to you." Then don't.
Similarly, if she phones: "Sorry Kate, I'm up to my elbows in stuff at the moment - can I call you back?" Then don't.
Repeat ad nauseum.
If they don't get the message and message you more explicitly, such as: "I've been trying to contact you for ages, but you're not responding. Is there anything wrong?" Just. Don't. Reply. 😉

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I'd be a bit more blunt than that :-)

Isittimeformynapyet · 07/08/2025 18:33

AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 18:32

Yes, but really s l o w l y ... so it takes a while for them to cotton on that they're being dropped. 😉

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I get it 👍🏻

Epidote · 07/08/2025 18:32

They are leaving you on the side on purpose. Very mean and disrespectful.
You can go to the lunch and to the shops but they are acting like lovers in a honey moon all day together.
Don't be grumpy because if you are they will turn it on you. Bla bla you are making a scene, bla bla you are paranoid etc.
Insert yourself in the activities, make activities for you and your husband only and go for it. Anticipation will be your allie.
Once you are back f off Kate.

Lionness5 · 07/08/2025 18:32

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 17:24

Yes, thank you! I honestly don’t think they are having affair as they only met each other a few times before the holiday. It’s the inconsideration which is annoying me. And it’s from both of them

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Sorry, but you're naive to think they can't be having an affair because they've only met a few times before. It is 100% weird they both texted to ask if you were coming to the beach. They are checking if the coast is clear. He got angry when you spoke to him when a decent man would have reassured you.

Pregnancyquestion · 07/08/2025 18:32

Honestly I’m annoyed on your behalf. I’d show him this thread if he gaslights you

AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 18:32

Isittimeformynapyet · 07/08/2025 18:18

Ah, so just dropping them then.

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Yes, but really s l o w l y ... so it takes a while for them to cotton on that they're being dropped. 😉

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/08/2025 18:31

At the very least they are being selfish - but it defo sounds like there is an attraction there, and if I was you I would be keeping a careful eye on things. And watch the alcohol intake of them both too…. just saying. You mentioned something to him and he got angry? Hmmm, that’s telling too. Sorry op, this sounds really shitty.

Pregnancyquestion · 07/08/2025 18:30

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 18:19

Where we are staying it’s very much water sport activities and we have breakfast included in the hotel, although we are not staying there. All DC are doing windsurfing club but through the day, they are with us at the beach, in the water, doing kayaking with us or windsurfing. Neil is working every morning, My DH and Kate will go running around 7am. Then I will see DH back at the villa and I, DH and DC walk to the hotel for breakfast where we meet my friends. Today, they went running and DC had earlier session out on the water so I walked to the breakfast on my own. No one was there so I went to the beach and waited and my DH and Kate came back about 90min later saying that they hired paddle boards. I was annoyed that my DH didn’t tell me but I left it at that. All of us regrouped for lunch. Afterwards, DC went back to the club, Neil had to do some emails and I said I’m going back to the villa to get some plasters for my toe😬. I’m literally there for about 10min ( gone to the loo and looking for plasters ) and my DH is knocking on the door saying he is changing his top as he and Kate are going to the town. She came in and whilst he was changing his top, she was telling me about the shop she wants to show him. It’s all very innocent when I write it but there is something there which isn’t sitting right with me. And I will be very happy to hear that I’m being unreasonable

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Of course it could be innocent, I don’t think it’s 100% that they want to jump each other, but they clearly are getting on well and excluding you and it’s rude. They’ve made you feel left out like you’re teenagers at school, and he’s your bloody husband. I would deffo bring it up at dinner say “Neil you should take the day off tomorrow, your wife needs the company and I want my husband back!”

AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 18:30

JustSawJohnny · 07/08/2025 18:24

Stop guilting yourself about 'being grumpy' and say something.

I'd be asking at dinner, in front of her, what plans are for tomorrow and if they're going to involve you or if you're going to be the help again while DH swans off with his holiday wife?

They need calling out on their selfishness.

Even if it is innocent, your holiday is being ruined by their selfishness and your DH is clearly enjoying her attentions, which is hugely telling.

The trouble is we have to remember that the DC are 2 x 14, 16 and 17 so they will be at dinner too. OP really can't say anything in front of the DC at dinner.

SpaceRaccoon · 07/08/2025 18:29

She came in and whilst he was changing his top, she was telling me about the shop she wants to show him. It’s all very innocent when I write it but there is something there which isn’t sitting right with me.

See I wouldn't find that innocent at all, I'd be absolutely like wtf?! Why is he just casually announcing he's swanning off to town with her instead of you?

NotSmallButFunSize · 07/08/2025 18:28

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 17:48

We literally always doing something and only spend time 30 min lying around on the beach at one time. But I always find myself being on my own and they end up doing stuff together. For example two days ago, she texted that they are going for a lunch and if I’m coming ( my DH and DC were with her at the beach and didn’t have phones). I texted straight away and asked her to let me know where they are going. 30 mins later I phoned her asking where are we going and she said she didn’t check the messages and they are already eating. It was her, my DH and all of the DC. I found that so frustrating. I popped over to the villa to get something and they all go for the lunch but somehow I’m being left out

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I don't understand how you never seem to be with him, he's always texting you?

We've just been away with friends and the default was DH was with me and then we asked our friends what they were up to - I can't imagine a scenario where I would have been elsewhere and then he and my friend "invite" me to lunch via a text?! As if they are the default and I was just, "ah, see if funsize is free?"

Weird

Wishimaywishimight · 07/08/2025 18:28

I think you know it's far from innocent. Even if they aren't shagging, they clearly enjoy each other's company very much and are intentionally excluding you. This is going in one direction, you really need to pull your DH up, don't just sit there and let them make a mug of you.

AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 18:27

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 18:19

Where we are staying it’s very much water sport activities and we have breakfast included in the hotel, although we are not staying there. All DC are doing windsurfing club but through the day, they are with us at the beach, in the water, doing kayaking with us or windsurfing. Neil is working every morning, My DH and Kate will go running around 7am. Then I will see DH back at the villa and I, DH and DC walk to the hotel for breakfast where we meet my friends. Today, they went running and DC had earlier session out on the water so I walked to the breakfast on my own. No one was there so I went to the beach and waited and my DH and Kate came back about 90min later saying that they hired paddle boards. I was annoyed that my DH didn’t tell me but I left it at that. All of us regrouped for lunch. Afterwards, DC went back to the club, Neil had to do some emails and I said I’m going back to the villa to get some plasters for my toe😬. I’m literally there for about 10min ( gone to the loo and looking for plasters ) and my DH is knocking on the door saying he is changing his top as he and Kate are going to the town. She came in and whilst he was changing his top, she was telling me about the shop she wants to show him. It’s all very innocent when I write it but there is something there which isn’t sitting right with me. And I will be very happy to hear that I’m being unreasonable

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Yes, sorry OP, but it seems like most of us agree with you about something not sitting right and we don't think you're being unreasonable.
Did needing a plaster for your toe preclude you from being able to walk into town with your DH and Kate? Is that why they didn't ask you? If not, why didn't she think you might be interested in the shop she was so keen to show your DH?

Waterbortle · 07/08/2025 18:24

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 18:19

Where we are staying it’s very much water sport activities and we have breakfast included in the hotel, although we are not staying there. All DC are doing windsurfing club but through the day, they are with us at the beach, in the water, doing kayaking with us or windsurfing. Neil is working every morning, My DH and Kate will go running around 7am. Then I will see DH back at the villa and I, DH and DC walk to the hotel for breakfast where we meet my friends. Today, they went running and DC had earlier session out on the water so I walked to the breakfast on my own. No one was there so I went to the beach and waited and my DH and Kate came back about 90min later saying that they hired paddle boards. I was annoyed that my DH didn’t tell me but I left it at that. All of us regrouped for lunch. Afterwards, DC went back to the club, Neil had to do some emails and I said I’m going back to the villa to get some plasters for my toe😬. I’m literally there for about 10min ( gone to the loo and looking for plasters ) and my DH is knocking on the door saying he is changing his top as he and Kate are going to the town. She came in and whilst he was changing his top, she was telling me about the shop she wants to show him. It’s all very innocent when I write it but there is something there which isn’t sitting right with me. And I will be very happy to hear that I’m being unreasonable

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It doesn't sound innocent to me.

You say you can walk OK, wouldn't you like to see this special shop too (or others)? Surely the only thing to say is "we're going into town, are you coming? Kate want to show us special shop". That's why it feels off, it's something you could have easily been included in and weren't

JustSawJohnny · 07/08/2025 18:24

Stop guilting yourself about 'being grumpy' and say something.

I'd be asking at dinner, in front of her, what plans are for tomorrow and if they're going to involve you or if you're going to be the help again while DH swans off with his holiday wife?

They need calling out on their selfishness.

Even if it is innocent, your holiday is being ruined by their selfishness and your DH is clearly enjoying her attentions, which is hugely telling.

MyLimeGuide · 07/08/2025 18:24

SunnyBlueSeal · 07/08/2025 18:19

Where we are staying it’s very much water sport activities and we have breakfast included in the hotel, although we are not staying there. All DC are doing windsurfing club but through the day, they are with us at the beach, in the water, doing kayaking with us or windsurfing. Neil is working every morning, My DH and Kate will go running around 7am. Then I will see DH back at the villa and I, DH and DC walk to the hotel for breakfast where we meet my friends. Today, they went running and DC had earlier session out on the water so I walked to the breakfast on my own. No one was there so I went to the beach and waited and my DH and Kate came back about 90min later saying that they hired paddle boards. I was annoyed that my DH didn’t tell me but I left it at that. All of us regrouped for lunch. Afterwards, DC went back to the club, Neil had to do some emails and I said I’m going back to the villa to get some plasters for my toe😬. I’m literally there for about 10min ( gone to the loo and looking for plasters ) and my DH is knocking on the door saying he is changing his top as he and Kate are going to the town. She came in and whilst he was changing his top, she was telling me about the shop she wants to show him. It’s all very innocent when I write it but there is something there which isn’t sitting right with me. And I will be very happy to hear that I’m being unreasonable

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Really shit. No one is going to say that! Sorry 😔 someone else said can you get on the sangria? Find a hot waiter? Sorry not helpful if know. Just sorry you are going through this on your holiday, people are evil.