AIBU to ask if you had your own Mother present when you gave birth?

I had my mum with me. Always knew I wanted her to be there! And if I had another one she would be there again! ❤️

My mum and I are close but no way would I want her there when I was giving birth. She tends to fret and would have stressed me out even more.

I’m interested in the discussion above about how this is region-specific, because I was actually surprised by how many women on this thread are firmly in the “no mothers” camp. In my circles, I know very few people who DIDN’T have their mothers there with them! I even have friends who moved to London who all plan to move back before starting families, and at least two of them that I can remember specifically mentioned that wanting to have their mums with them for birth was a factor.

I had my mum there for both births and found it so comforting and useful. I don’t think I’m especially close with my mum either! We’re not NOT close, but definitely not “enmeshed”… my mum is also extremely good in a crisis - not that my births were crises thankfully, but it was just good to know I’d have a very level head alongside me if something did go wrong.

I have a friend who’s thinking about having her MIL at her next birth - to be fair, I’d have her mother in law there at my birth if she’d agree to it as she’s an absolutely lovely person and would be the perfect birth partner!!

I also am a little bit woo-y and love the idea of being surrounded by wise women during childbirth, especially as that’s the way it has always been until very recent times. My husband was a very good birth partner, but in the throes of labour I did, very uncharitably I’m sure, find myself feeling irritated and thinking “oh what the hell do you know?!” whenever he spoke 😳 whereas I felt my mum at least had been through it before if nothing else!

I think it depends on circumstances. DH came to all the NCT classes (took notes!) and is good with being given instructions requests, so he was quite enthusiastic and useful. I do understand that's not the case for everyone.
Our sprog was born more than 30 hours after I arrived in hospital so I'm glad Mum wasn't there. DH was all the company I needed. It would have been so annoying to have extra family faffing about and looking for chairs to sit in, joining in the conversations with the midwife, and getting in the way; and I can't imagine what extra support I might have required in addition to the baby's father and a team of qualified professionals.
Our families came to visit in the hospital later, and sit with me and DC while DH nipped home for a change of clothes and a short nap.

God no.

She’s one of those types who thinks she knows best and if she wouldn’t want to do something, no one else would either and if you dare correct her or not do what she says, she’s either offended and claims she is always wrong or will nag you until you do.

She would stress me out. I didn’t want my parents there and didn’t have/ want DH there after the first.

DH was there for the first. (Traumatised by it and still gets emotional 10 years on talking about it and he is one of those types that struggles to sit still so better off with our other children.)

Doula for the second.
Just me and hospital staff for the third.

My parents wanted to be there for the third (I was 4 days over due date) and had DC3 when they were en route to the airport in the States so met the baby when I came home.

My mother got her chance with her golden child and don’t think my sister would want that again if she decides to have a second.

Her commentary during birth wasn’t helpful for my sister nor did having her there after birth. Think she was one of the factors for my sister struggling with PND. She was overbearing from what I saw on video chat, acting like an expert about breastfeeding when she herself hadn’t breastfed and my sister was struggling and doesn’t get on with my sister’s spouse so added tension there when it was not the time. Think my sister quickly realised why I didn’t have her there right after birth with the first two alone and she and my dad were keeping our sons occupied when three came along since I gave birth during a term break.

My mother criticised my body for years and was annoyed when I remained slim after all three children. Constantly made remarks about me nursing my children so no, I would not have her there. I’d have Pennywise there before I’d have my mother.

I have 3 DDs and 8 GC.

One of them really wanted me there. I was there for number one, but then she had a section), I saw number 2 born, and just missed the third one - she popped out too fast! I was happy to be there.

Neither of the other DDs asked me to be with them. All fine - their delivery, their choice. But both wanted me there speedily afterwards - and to help out during the weeks that followed!

It is personal choice.

I was moved to be there at the birth of the one GC, and also quite happy not to be there for the others.

It seems to be common in some regions.

I'm close to my Mum but no way - I wanted it to be just DH and I.

God no.

She wouldn't have anyway. She's not that sort of mother.

I feel most grossed out by those home births where all the kids are spectators and just milling about.

No way and we are very close. She didn’t want to either. This is such a weird thing to me and would feel so grossed out.

And in some areas of the country children grow up in extended families. There's an in between your two examples. I'm in Merseyside, there's as many Dads, grandads, Uncles etc at school pick up/drop off as there are mums. There's no excuses made for useless Dads. I'm near 60, men would be the breadwinners because they could earn more, but each would have their role. It was a lot less isolated than today. Women in many countries are a big suport system to each other.
I was my DDs birth partner, with her partner. She had home, pool, births. She welcomed my help in establishing and carrying on with breastfeeding. I'm a support to all my adult children, in different ways, because they have different personalities and needs. That doesn't mean that we are emeshed. We don't talk everyday. I don't ask, if they don't tell me, they don't particularly want me to know and I've got a full life.

With my son his dad and my mum were there. I didn't know if I'd want my mum there so she was on standby but I'm so so glad she was. I remember thinking "who will advocate the best for me and my wants should I be unable to" and it was my mum. Still is! She wasn't pushy about being there, simply said if I wanted her there she would be and if I didn't she wouldn't be offended or anything like that. My son's dad and I weren't together very long and I just knew he wouldn't truly advocate for me.

With my daughter it was me and him. I wanted my mum there but things happened fairly quickly and she arrived just after my daughter was born. It was still special and I still needed her because I had to go to theatre after as my placenta was stuck. Tbh it didn't matter that my daughters dad was there. I'd have has the same experience if it was just me and the medical staff!

100%. NO. WAY. I couldn't imagine this! Dh was there.

No I love my mum and we’re super close but I couldn’t think of anything worse!
She would worry, and I can read every single expression on her face even if she tries to hide it, and it would just piss me off and I don’t know why 😂

I didn’t have my mum with me for any of my births, I only ever wanted my husband to be with me though I know plenty who did want their mum’s there. For my last birth (a homebirth) my step-daughter who was 18 at the time was also present which was really special.

No I didn’t have my mother there during birth.

But during the deepest throws of labour when I was feeling very animalistic, on all fours in the pool, I screamed “I want my mum!” So loudly, so instinctively.

I was so shocked I said that. But it came out of me.

it bought a tear to her eye when I told her after.

Briefly considered it and then I couldn’t have more than one partner because of covid.

so so so glad I didn’t have my mother at any of my births. She a huge worrier and causes everyone else anxiety when they didn’t have any to start with

Absolutely no way would I want my mother there during childbirth 😂 although I've always had her around in the early PP period. I only had medical professionals & DH there during childbirth itself and thay suits me just fine. I did have MIL around for a bit of my 2nd labour as she was our childcare for DD1. My labour was very fast so I was having intense contractions basically as DH loaded the car up etc. It was fine and wasn't weird at all, but I was also glad to drive to the hospital with DH as I didn't feel like I could quite be myself and moo during my contractions around MIL lol

My parents were house sitting as our new conservatory floor was being laid, on the day I was giving birth!! My Mum spent most of the day trying to keep my Dad calm, and speaking to me on the phone!! I had my husband only at the birth of our son (I was induced, and then ended up with an emergency C-section).

I loved my mother but hell, no!

I gave birth alone (child’s father was a deadbeat and couldn’t be arsed to leave work finally turned up drunk. ) Ex obviously!!

I didn't have my mum at any of my births, I am close to her but felt that it was something just for myself and DH. She and my sister were at the hospital and did come in pretty soon after my firstborn though. I had a homebirth with my 3rd and mum was downstairs with our two younger children and they all came up to see the baby when he was a few minutes old ☺️

No, it was me and my baby’s dad. Wouldn’t have occurred to my mum or me, and we loved each other very much

She was there for many hours of labour but it ended in a crash section with DH only.

Nope. The only person I wanted was dp.