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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family wedding with obligatory religion. What's an atheist to do?

418 replies

Tootoomooch · 07/08/2025 13:41

A close family member is getting married this year. He is a devout christian. Both I and my partner are atheists (me, stridently; him, more quietly. Both committedly).

The family member has made a point of asking everyone to participate in various religious aspects of the wedding. It appears to be a more involved affair than the standard C of E wedding service. We've been asked - but it feels more like an instruction - to join the singing and to offer individual prayers for the couple (out loud, in front of the assembled masses).

I feel very uncomfortable about this but can't put my finger on exactly why. Logically, given that I don't believe, what is the harm in just playing along? But, conversely, if he knows we don't believe and are doing it to keep the peace, what value can he possibly place on our "prayers"? Also - and maybe this is flouncy - but why is my atheism any less valid than his theism? I wouldn't dream of asking him to not pray, or otherwise minimising his beliefs (at least out loud).

There is no way I will allow the children to participate, and I also feel uncomfortable with them watching us participate in a religious ceremony that they know we don't believe in.

My natural tendency is to both obduracy and confrontation (🤣) so my first instinct is to ignore the request and, if pushed, to say that I don't feel comfortable. This is me moderating my first, instinctive response to tell him to f-off.

However, I wonder if IABU. It's a wedding, his special day etc etc (blah) and I should just suck it up?

So -

AIBU - being a militant atheist can wait for a day. Keep the peace and make up a prayer.

or

AINBU - obliging disbelievers to participate is unreasonable and I can just keep quiet (to the fullest extent possible)

OP posts:
SkylarFalls · 07/08/2025 17:42

Think miss world:
We pray for peace
We pray for health
We pray for community

Nowhere in the OP did it say she was asked to do an actual reading

Original poster
Tootoomooch · 07/08/2025 17:42

@SkylarFalls I’ve been trying so hard not to rise to your posts, but pfff, I’ll bite.

My first observation : you don’t seem to consider religious practice to be particularly important, because very many of your posts suggest that I should just lie/pretend/go along with it. If you did consider it profound and sacred surely you’d be keen that it is respected and undertaken conscientiously. However, the sheer volume of posts on this thread suggests you do care very much indeed. So, a head-scratcher. I shall ponder.

Second observation: you say that people who sing cheesy pop songs are effectively praying. Odd analogy, and I don’t agree. I’ll pose my own. Would you require a vegetarian to eat meat at your wedding because you want them to? Would you explain that it’s only a small amount of chicken? Or cooked in a bit of lard and therefore they’re being attention seeking? If not, why not? What’s the difference between their moral framework and mine?

Phew. That was a relief.

Thanks again folks. Some wise words and interesting viewpoints.

OP posts:
PanicPanicc · 07/08/2025 17:40

I’m an atheist and attend church with my partner almost weekly. It’s one of those where they offer prayer and while I’m happy to support him in something that’s important to him, he knows that’s where I bow out. I don’t want anyone putting their hands on me nor do I want to put my hands on anyone.

If pressed you can always do a vague quoting that isn’t super religion focused.

SkylarFalls · 07/08/2025 17:40

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 07/08/2025 17:12

How can you just mumble through discretely when you've been asked to do an individual reading?

Show quote history

Mumble through the hymn
Doesn't say they were asked to do a reading anywhere at all. Just an offatory prayer. It'll be like one sentence. Say it fast and it'll be onto the next person!

m00rfarm · 07/08/2025 17:32

Just say that you will not be offering prayers individually out loud. No discussion. You will sing, you will be there, you will be happy for them, but you will NOT be offering prayers publicly!

Manxexile · 07/08/2025 17:26

Tootoomooch · 07/08/2025 14:34

Thanks everyone. Lots of food for thought. If it comes up again I shall decline the pre-scripted prayer I have been asked to read and offer to do a non-religious blessing. Let’s hope it’s accepted. If not I’ll have to think some more.

You've all helped me realise that, as illogical as it is - and the poster who made the point about “catching god” isn’t wrong! - I do feel uncomfortable and and a bit annoyed having my views so obviously disregarded.

Thank you all!

Edited

Apologies if I've missed this, but why haven't you simply raised your concerns with this close family member?

It's wholly unreasonable on their part that they should demand that church guests utter pre-scripted prayers at their wedding. It doesn't matter how religious or devout they are, it's totally unacceptable that they should compel guests who believe differntly to behave in such a way.

It's both insincere and disrespectful on their part to expect guests to act hypocritically, and hypocritical on your part if you comply with their unreasonable demands.

Why do you feel so strongly that this is something you have to go along with? I simply would tell them that under their conditions I would not attend

cunningartificer · 07/08/2025 17:26

It actually probably depends on the church in question. Is this a general ‘we’d like everyone to join in with the hymns and prayers’ ( in which case no one will know if you stay silent and it’s really not worth the angst) or is it like a Quaker wedding where you’re expected to say something about the bride and groom ( in which case no worries as you have to wait for the spirit to move you and anyway in terms of time not everyone can possibly say something) If they’re Catholic or Anglican and asking you to do something like a bidding prayer then you can easily say you’d rather not… if you're a close family member and they’ve asked you to read a prayer they will see that as an honour given to you to show your importance to them and be a part of the ceremony; not a testament of your own belief or otherwise, so just decline. If it’s more evangelical and they want you to pray just don’t and say you weren’t moved to or else say something neutral. In a similar situation a friend said “May your faith always remain a comfort to you both throughout your lives” which worked well!

Notmyreality · 07/08/2025 17:25

SkylarFalls · 07/08/2025 17:20

Probably not long

One sentence each of well wishing on themes of health, community, togetherness, prosperity etc

Posters acting like each person gotta declare devotion and read from scriptures etc are just reaching imo

Of course it'll just be a short "we pray for understanding" "we pray for patience" "we pray for community" etc ...

Nothing that a reasonable person of any persuasion couldn't say and mean!

There wouldn't be time for anything else!

Show quote history

“We pray this interminable service will be over ASAP so we can get to the reception..”

WimpoleHat · 07/08/2025 17:24

How about saying that, given your own strong antipathy to the religion, you feel it it is disrespectful to him/his church to read a prayer as if you believed it. Ask if there is a secular form of words similar to the meaning of the prayer that you could use instead? You would very much like to wish them well but not in a way that feels hypocritical/untrue/disrespectful or whatever form of words you think best? I’m sure you could come up with something “prayer like” without reference to a divine being - something along the lines of “please join with me to wish X and Y a wonderful, long and fulfilling life together and let us all reflect on the joy of this day and their union”. (That’s very naff, I know, but I’m sure you could get something flowery that doesn’t involve a reference to Jesus, if you see what I mean?)

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/08/2025 17:21

Scarylett · 07/08/2025 17:15

I don’t see what the big deal is. How many non believers join in the Lord’s Prayer at funerals or weddings? It’s just lip service. Just do it and stop making such a fuss.

I don't. Some will of course but it's not something I'd feel comfortable with so I just stay quiet.

It's very easy to do that in a group setting but an individual reading is obviously very different.

SkylarFalls · 07/08/2025 17:20

Notmyreality · 07/08/2025 17:16

So every guest has to stand up and offer a blessing/prayer? How long is that all supposed to take?

Probably not long

One sentence each of well wishing on themes of health, community, togetherness, prosperity etc

Posters acting like each person gotta declare devotion and read from scriptures etc are just reaching imo

Of course it'll just be a short "we pray for understanding" "we pray for patience" "we pray for community" etc ...

Nothing that a reasonable person of any persuasion couldn't say and mean!

There wouldn't be time for anything else!

everardshutthatdoor · 07/08/2025 17:20

I would be very honest. You are happy to participate as part of the congregation but as an atheist you would be completely unable to lead a prayer with any sincerity and it would feel sacrilegious to do so in a church.

If the family member is a committed Christian surely they wouldn’t want you to deliver a prayer at their wedding ceremony from a position of declared faithlessness?

Edited to say, that’s how I’d feel about it but a part of me thinks as an actor isn’t this bread and butter to you, pretending?

Notmyreality · 07/08/2025 17:16

So every guest has to stand up and offer a blessing/prayer? How long is that all supposed to take?

Scarylett · 07/08/2025 17:15

I don’t see what the big deal is. How many non believers join in the Lord’s Prayer at funerals or weddings? It’s just lip service. Just do it and stop making such a fuss.

LillyPJ · 07/08/2025 17:15

A reading of your own choice is the perfect solution. Good luck!

Fizzer5 · 07/08/2025 17:14

As an active Christian I am not happy at all with this performative styles of worship. Jesus actually preached against ostentatious attendance.
I would sit at the back and join in the singing. Probably modern cheery clappy stuff, yuck. And pray silently.

W0tnow · 07/08/2025 17:14

As an atheist I’d do it, but I don’t think you’re unreasonable not to.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 07/08/2025 17:13

SerendipityJane · 07/08/2025 17:08

Can't we call it a white lie ?

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Well, we could call it that. But would you want to stand up and publicly lie at the wedding of someone you cared about?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 07/08/2025 17:12

SkylarFalls · 07/08/2025 17:09

But you get no attention by just mumbling discretely through it like the rest of us

Show quote history

How can you just mumble through discretely when you've been asked to do an individual reading?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 07/08/2025 17:11

SkylarFalls · 07/08/2025 16:34

If it's insincere and false to hope the couple have a happy healthy life together, which is probably all the prayer entails, then why are they going at all?

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I can't see that the OP would object to a non-religious expression of hope that the couple will live a happy and healthy life together. We don't actually know what the content is.

LittleBitofBread · 07/08/2025 17:11

SerendipityJane · 07/08/2025 17:08

Can't we call it a white lie ?

Show quote history

I personally wouldn't be happy to think of it as a white lie and read out loud something that referenced a Christian God, and I'm not an atheist; I imagine the OP's feelings are stronger than mine.

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/08/2025 17:10

UninterestedBeing12 · 07/08/2025 17:06

You'll just like her in the sense that you d happily spoil a very close family members special day?

You think their wedding is a charade?

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Why would it spoil their day? Especially knowing full well OP is atheist.

If someone politely declining to read something will spoil their day then something has gone very wrong on their wedding day.

People are allowed to say no thank you and they should accept that.

SkylarFalls · 07/08/2025 17:09

onceuponatimeinneverland · 07/08/2025 16:35

Who is going to be policing the praying/singing? Just don't participate .

I'm a non believer but do like a good hymn to participate in.

But you get no attention by just mumbling discretely through it like the rest of us

SerendipityJane · 07/08/2025 17:08

LittleBitofBread · 07/08/2025 17:05

The OP says 'I have been asked to read a specific prayer during the service.'
I don't think she's said, but I assume this is a God-referencing prayer, hence the dilemma.

Show quote history

Can't we call it a white lie ?

UninterestedBeing12 · 07/08/2025 17:06

Theseventhmagpie · 07/08/2025 17:03

You sound like me OP!😂
couldn’t bring myself to play along with this charade.

You'll just like her in the sense that you d happily spoil a very close family members special day?

You think their wedding is a charade?