Family wedding with obligatory religion. What's an atheist to do?

After reading all of this, I'm glad my husband and I eloped. Goodness me.

See I’m fine with honey… but no bananas and no coffee or anything in the extended coffee family… I’m looking at you Tiramisu!

Fair enough.

I'd probably eat the bananas.

...I'd draw the line at honey though.

If you are not a wedding planner, you have missed your calling!

The OP's difficulties seem to be all of her own making. What is so hard about saying 'Hi [relative], I can't read a prayer I'm afraid, as that would be hypocritical of me as a non-believer. Let me know if there is any secular reading I could contribute; otherwise I will just silently offer you my very best wishes.'

I can't think of any Christian that I know who would find that remotely difficult to hear.

And as for the singing, joining in with hymns is not a profession of belief. It is about supporting a celebration. Any event that involves a sing-along is a bit ragged and sad if the participants are tentative about joining in. Just add your voice in the same spirit that you would get on the dance floor if a host asked you to help nudge others into dancing.

These things are such a no-brainer that I am tempted to think that the OP is one of those people whose atheism has for some reason become a crucial part of her identity, something that has to be explicitly expressed and reflected on, perhaps as a way of experiencing a sense of intellectual purity.

How can not believing in something take on so much importance that you are, in the OP's own words, 'militant' and 'strident' about it? I could understand it if the OP had been bullied or hassled into religious observance as a child, and was reacting against that as part of an overly-prolonged escape from parental influence, but I think she has said she was raised an atheist.

And this bit is particularly unreasonable: Why is my atheism any less valid than his theism? I wouldn't dream of asking him to not pray, or otherwise minimising his beliefs.

Because it is his wedding not yours! Wedding couples routinely make all sorts of rather self-absorbed requests on their own special day. I had to wear a flouncy peach dress at my sister's wedding ffs. We fit in to the extent that we can, and we politely explain if/when we can't fit in. And then the wedding couple (unless they are bridezillas/groomzillas) say "Yes, ok, fine, lets do it a bit differently."

Years ago, I used to be rather strident in my atheism. Looking back on that now, I just see it as a lack of wisdom. I will never believe in god. But I have a very much less facile view of other people's faith than I did.

Can just picture it. Everyone in hired fancy dress gorilla/monkey costumes trying to fire into the complimentary drinks... while stuck inside a zorbing ball.

My children aren't at school yet so actually, no.

I don't think it's hypocritical because there is a difference between taking part in a religious ceremony and educating children about a very popular religion.

I've never sang a religious hymn with them, no. I'd watch them sing at school but I don't see why I would need to sing along.

I am a non believer, my young adult son is a practicing Christian who was baptised last year.
I went to the baptism for him, during the service I stood up and sat down as required, didn't sing or pray. When it came to the actual baptism I went forward with him in my capacity as official holder of the towel. I found his testimony quite moving.
I went for him and did as much as I was comfortable with. Wouldn't have missed it for the world

😆 😆 😆

You do not that all atheists are not the same person? I bet there are some people from South East England commenting on there too… I’m not from South East England. We are all different, not a member of the atheist Borg.

Anyway, I’m a humanist as I mentioned earlier in the thread.

I'd go if it was a Monkey Balls wedding.

I hate bananas. If friends wanted to get married at a Go Ape with a full menu of banana-flavoured food, I would happily go and swing through the trees, but I would take a packed lunch. I wouldn’t eat bananas on the basis that it made them happy. And surely true friends don’t want you to be unhappy in order for them to be happy, true friends respect your beliefs, principles and practices.

You’ve reminded me that I once read ‘The Owl and the Pussycat’ at a very good friend’s wedding.

Yes, atheists. Famously one homogenous mass, a hive-mind, with not one single differentiating feature between them,

Not saying a prayer doesn't affect anybody else. I believe Christmas was originally a pagan festival, but it's mainly just a commercial event nowadays. It's nice to see friends and family though and get some time off work.

Head over to the christmas board... plenty of atheists, going crazy about it there.

Don’t have kids, never gone to a nativity, don’t go carolling. Not a hypocrite.

It's utterly ridiculous to expect this of attendees.

How long is the wedding going to be?!! It sounds awful!

It would be fake and pointless to go along with it. As you said, your words will be meaningless as you won't believe them.

He is perfectly entitled to his beliefs but he's not entitled to forced participation.

Same! I appreciate the day off work, but that’s about it. No tree, no decorations. Had Chinese takeaway for ‘Christmas dinner’ last year…

Speaking as an obdurate and argumentative atheist, my feeling is that none of it means anything so it really doesn't matter a jot what they ask me to say or do.

To make an absurd analogy, if they thought that reciting Jabberwocky with my hand over my eyes would bring them luck and happiness, I'd do that, on that day, because it mattered to them.

A week later, if it came up, I'd tell them that that's why I did it.

Always an excuse and a way to twist the narrative to suit you.

Never have any of you ever had your child in the nativity, play and go and watch it
Never have any of you ever sung away in a manger or oh little town of bethlehem or once in royal david city with your children at a school or other event?

Hypocrite

Fellow non-believer here - though I bloody love a good hymn or a god-bothering country song (The Old Rugged Cross being a HUGE favourite) and would definitely enjoy the singing bit. Praying: nope, no and hell nah. This smacks of control. Which is, let's face it, what organized religion is all about.

They wouldn’t, but I would.

That (whispers) actually made me giggle!

Children are still very much learning about the world around them and the fact that different people have different religions. Some nativity's are also very.....different to the traditional story now. My nephew's barely resembled the original story.

Learning through role playing is crucial for children.

It would be very different to an adult asking me to take part in a religious ceremony knowing I'm an atheist.

I would ask if you could do a reading instead

It's reasonable to the extent that your beliefs are yours and you are entitled to them.

It's unreasonable, though, to voluntarily attend a 'devout Christian' wedding and feel uncomfortable when the devout Christians do what they do without consulting you, or any other non-believers, first.

If I were you, and it bothered me to this extent, I'd just not go or I would not read the card placed in front of me and just smile politely or do whatever to not draw attention to yourself in a way that would be offensive to those getting married in their chosen venue.