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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask older lady to wear headphones in cafe

393 replies

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:06

There is a cafe where I defo sometimes to work quietly on my laptop. It’s really well priced and friendly staff. I always buy either breakfast or lunch plus a few coffees and there is no issue over laptop use as there’s tons of space and many others do it. I always have sound turned off and never make calls.
There is a woman, I would say she is young 70s, who comes in nearly every day with her husband. She sits on her phone and flicks through Tik Tok videos with the sound on. It’s so incredibly annoying and distracting and I find it so inconsiderate.
The first couple of times I said nothing but yesterday I went over and said ‘I’m sorry, do you have any headphones you could use?’
She looked at me in horror and said ‘I never use headphones. I saw you looking over at me. I will put my phone away when I’m ready to.’ She then carried on.
I was so shocked, I said ‘but what would happen if everyone in the cafe played music out loud on their phone…’
She interrupted me and snapped ‘I’m not playing music,’ (Technically true, she was watching Tik Tok videos which are so much more annoying). Then she said: ‘Other people talk very loudly.’
Her tone was so loud and confrontational I sort of gave up and said ‘well, I was just letting you know that it was bothering me’ and went back to my table.
Her husband then said incredibly loudly ‘How rude. When we come to this cafe all the time. I bet she wouldn’t talk to someone else about that but she’s come up and spoken to you’ - basically implying I’ve picked on her because she is an older woman, as opposed to some intimidating bloke or young person. Which is not true!
She carried on exactly as before, making loads of noise with her phone. I honestly couldn’t believe the level of entitlement.
For context these were not a frail elderly couple but an obviously wealthy middle class couple. It’s a mixed are where there are houses which cost millions and also council flats etc.
WIBU to speak to her?

OP posts:
carbuncleonapigsposterior · 07/08/2025 18:12

The older woman with the phone is being unreasonable and anti-social, why should others in a coffee shop be forced to listen to whatever she's in thrall to. The OP is not invading other people's head space, if some think the OP should go somewhere else, then by the same token, the woman with the phone should take her noisy content somewhere where she's not foisting that racket on other people. Sometimes I wish the staff would be more proactive in telling their customers when they are being a nuisance to others. For example, I've witnessed small children running around in cafes, dangerous when people are walking about with hot drinks. .

Moii · 07/08/2025 18:09

So annoying, I'd say something too. I had to move sun loungers on holiday as some woman had her ebook on full blast, (no earphones) I'm not violent but sometimes!!

VeryQuaintIrene · 07/08/2025 18:07

She's a rude cow (as is everyone who inflicts their phone on others). Surely some other people in the cafe must also find it irritating? Find them and make a deputation to the staff?

GiveDogBone · 07/08/2025 18:03

Old aged pensioners are entitled. What a shocker. Is there anything you can do to constantly annoy them back?

LarkspurLane · 07/08/2025 17:25

Meadowfinch · 07/08/2025 16:05

A cafe is a public sociable space. If she wants to chat that is up to her. If you want quiet, go home or to a library, or use your own headphones.

In the end, it will be up to the staff if they want a quiet cafe or a noisy cheerful one.

I mean, if the OP had complained about people chatting in a cafe while she wanted to work, I think it would have been a unaminous YRBU, but she didn't.

Katemax82 · 07/08/2025 16:58

casualcrispenjoyer · 07/08/2025 10:12

you weren’t being unreasonable at all

I’d speak to the staff

my doctor’s surgery put a sign up and started to enforce telling people off after I complained. I hate listening to people’s audio but TikTok is so much worse than music because people are scrolling so you get whiplash inducing, varied audio constantly chatting out and sticking to something else.

Some ignorant cow has loud conversations on speakerphone at my doctors surgery waiting room

childofthe607080s · 07/08/2025 16:54

People doing things that would fail of everyone did them are clearly wrong and k would be tempted to be playing loud music back at her

LittleBitofBread · 07/08/2025 16:53

Meadowfinch · 07/08/2025 16:05

A cafe is a public sociable space. If she wants to chat that is up to her. If you want quiet, go home or to a library, or use your own headphones.

In the end, it will be up to the staff if they want a quiet cafe or a noisy cheerful one.

Have you not read the OP, or are you having problems understanding it?
Genuine question.

Purpleturtle45 · 07/08/2025 16:43

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 11:12

@User415373 definitely would have asked her either way, the noise was ridiculous - only caveat being that maybe the fact I was working meant I was sat there long enough to bother to raise it.
I had noticed her a few times before and never said anything but this time I saw a few other people giving her looks of disbelief also so I though you know what this is just ridiculous I’ll just say something politely to her. But of course none of them rode to my rescue 🤣

Anyway, it’s been interesting! Am heartened that most people do think the lady was unreasonable. Even if I was also EXTREMELY unreasonable in the way I chose to write my OP 🙄 🤣

This happens all the time, a thread gets totally derailed because of the wording of the title. You would think people could get an understanding from the further explanation but mostly they can't!

Lins77 · 07/08/2025 16:42

Meadowfinch · 07/08/2025 16:05

A cafe is a public sociable space. If she wants to chat that is up to her. If you want quiet, go home or to a library, or use your own headphones.

In the end, it will be up to the staff if they want a quiet cafe or a noisy cheerful one.

She's not chatting, she's playing TikTok videos loudly on her phone. Not the same thing at all.

YellowElephant89 · 07/08/2025 16:26

I understand you OP- I'd take Loops or noise cancelling headphones with me as I also cannot stand the noise of phones/tablets too, but possibly also vote with my feet and find another cafe. Trains are even worse IMHO.

Lingfield01 · 07/08/2025 16:15

YABU go home or go to the office. It’s a coffee shop, a public place. I’m personally sick to death of all the entitled table hoggers with computers. The other lady was equally unreasonable btw

blunderbuss12 · 07/08/2025 16:08

Bit worried about some of these comments - phone noise is very different to people noise!

OP I'd be whacking on the classical music out loud if this happens again. Tends to stop pretty quickly after that I find!

Ivesaidenough · 07/08/2025 16:08

I HATE people playing their phones out loud. I would be very grateful if someone else said something as I'm too intimidated to do it myself. This actually happened to me in a hospital waiting room, and I was too scared to go over.
But you are completely in the right here.
People have forgotten how to behave in public and they are just selfish to think the horrible tinny noise of their phone speaker isn't irritating the vast majority of people around them.

Meadowfinch · 07/08/2025 16:05

A cafe is a public sociable space. If she wants to chat that is up to her. If you want quiet, go home or to a library, or use your own headphones.

In the end, it will be up to the staff if they want a quiet cafe or a noisy cheerful one.

Blobbitymacblob · 07/08/2025 16:04

Wait and see what happens tomorrow. People can go on the defensive when they’re put on the spot, but you could find that she’s not quite so keen to play her videos out loud tomorrow, or decides to go to a different coffee shop. Or that she’s back and doubles down, of course.

Never judge a row by what’s said in the heat of the moment. Sometimes we think we’re 110% right until we cool down enough to think rationally, or we’re indignantly regaling a loved one with our story and realising they’ve got that “well, actually” look. What happened today was only part one. I know it’s easy to say don’t overthink it (and rich coming from someone whose enjoying your thread enough to comment) but at least try not to stress about it.

MrsTWH · 07/08/2025 15:53

People (of any age, race, gender, etc) who listen to their devices without headphones in public are antisocial arseholes. That includes social media reels, music, YouTube, streaming videos, conversations on speakerphone. It is entirely different to people having normal face to face conversations or kids playing or even having a conversation on the phone that isn’t being broadcast.

Have some basic common courtesy for the public space and other people and just wear headphones!! It’s very selfish.

If I can’t move or feel a confrontation would get nasty, sometimes I have simply copied them. I turn my phone volume up to drown them out. It usually makes the point nicely and they don’t like it.

Thistoo2023 · 07/08/2025 15:45

PluckyChancer · 07/08/2025 14:48

You were unreasonable.

I’m getting fed up with people who use cafes as a workplace and expect everyone else to prioritise them over ordinary customers.

A cafe is a place to chat and socialise if desired and if you need peace and quiet then work in a library.

I had a woman trying to get me to move from a comfy sofa in a hotel lobby area because she wanted to sit there and do a zoom meeting on her laptop. She seemed to assume that I’d just move. 🤣

I told her she was welcome to share the sofa or find another seat. There were other armchairs available. I’d been sat there about ten minutes reading my book and I wasn’t going to move unless she gave me a much better reason.

But treating a cafe like your own living room and scrolling loudly through TikTok IS reasonable!?

NOBODY is complaining about people chatting and socialising.

How does blasting out a hundred TikTok videos in a row constitute “chatting and socialising”??

Anonomoso · 07/08/2025 15:42

NeelyOHara · 07/08/2025 12:06

It’s relevant as they inferred she approached them due to their age. It’s in the opening post ffs.

Would she have approached an adult, of any age, sat at a table that had a 7 year old child with an iPad blaring out peppa pig?

SmartDog · 07/08/2025 15:39

NeelyOHara · 07/08/2025 14:20

How often are two people shouting at each other in cafes? Never, or they’d be asked to leave.

You haven’t understood my comment. I’m saying that a device playing at a normal volume is no different to people talking at a normal volume to me and doesn’t bother me. Most people I’ve come across not using headphones have it on at a normal volume. If they had it on loud, that would be annoying, but so would people speaking very loudly or shouting.

I would use AirPods myself though as I know it bothers others

Lins77 · 07/08/2025 15:22

Why should the woman have to reduce her noise levels to suit the OP who wants to be quiet?

I'd consider it highly likely that loud TikTok videos would also be disturbing other customers. Just because they don't complain doesn't mean they're not annoyed by it - I certainly would be.

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · 07/08/2025 14:59

Why should the woman have to reduce her noise levels to suit the OP who wants to be quiet?

Because listening to TikTok videos without headphones is antisocial?

Mulledjuice · 07/08/2025 14:57

KidsDoBetter · 07/08/2025 11:23

If she isn't listening to audio on a device - why should she be???

Because she's bothered by noise around her.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 07/08/2025 14:52

EnjoyingTheArmoire · 07/08/2025 12:47

But it isn't comparable to a group of mothers and children is it? It's about the type of noise, not just what the exact volume is.

Headphones are for hearing audio from a device.

The OP wasn't listening to audio through a device, the other woman was. So why on Earth should it be the OP wearing headphones?

Everyone makes noise, just different types of noise. In this day and age with people using devices, devices is one of those noises. Unless the volume was blasting out at a ridiculous level, (where if it was everyone in there would be complaining), then you surely have to tolerate other peoples noise! If it was too much, simply getting up and leaving to find somewhere else would have been the best option. Why should the woman have to reduce her noise levels to suit the OP who wants to be quiet?

If you expect to sit 'quietly' in a public place then you have to expect that this might not be possible. If you want peace and quiet, find a library.

Hayley1256 · 07/08/2025 14:51

I would sit next to her and start playing g loud tik tok videos of my own. She may then get the message

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