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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask older lady to wear headphones in cafe

393 replies

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:06

There is a cafe where I defo sometimes to work quietly on my laptop. It’s really well priced and friendly staff. I always buy either breakfast or lunch plus a few coffees and there is no issue over laptop use as there’s tons of space and many others do it. I always have sound turned off and never make calls.
There is a woman, I would say she is young 70s, who comes in nearly every day with her husband. She sits on her phone and flicks through Tik Tok videos with the sound on. It’s so incredibly annoying and distracting and I find it so inconsiderate.
The first couple of times I said nothing but yesterday I went over and said ‘I’m sorry, do you have any headphones you could use?’
She looked at me in horror and said ‘I never use headphones. I saw you looking over at me. I will put my phone away when I’m ready to.’ She then carried on.
I was so shocked, I said ‘but what would happen if everyone in the cafe played music out loud on their phone…’
She interrupted me and snapped ‘I’m not playing music,’ (Technically true, she was watching Tik Tok videos which are so much more annoying). Then she said: ‘Other people talk very loudly.’
Her tone was so loud and confrontational I sort of gave up and said ‘well, I was just letting you know that it was bothering me’ and went back to my table.
Her husband then said incredibly loudly ‘How rude. When we come to this cafe all the time. I bet she wouldn’t talk to someone else about that but she’s come up and spoken to you’ - basically implying I’ve picked on her because she is an older woman, as opposed to some intimidating bloke or young person. Which is not true!
She carried on exactly as before, making loads of noise with her phone. I honestly couldn’t believe the level of entitlement.
For context these were not a frail elderly couple but an obviously wealthy middle class couple. It’s a mixed are where there are houses which cost millions and also council flats etc.
WIBU to speak to her?

OP posts:
Neverplayleapfrogwithmrpipes · 07/08/2025 10:58

My mum does this on Facebook shorts while we are watching TV it drives me nuts

BernardButlersBra · 07/08/2025 10:58

It's rude and antisocial. Instinct tells me she thinks her age gives her a pass -it doesn't

AbzMoz · 07/08/2025 10:58

I’d ring up my own mother and have a really loud and pointed conversation about how sad it is that there’s a couple at the cafe you’re in, and the lady is so poor she can’t afford headphones, and how her husband is so dull she can’t have a conversation with him. I might remind my mother that it’s not polite to ask where someone is from too…

CeaselesslyIntoThePast · 07/08/2025 10:57

Well done for saying something. Hold your head high that you tried.

jbm16 · 07/08/2025 10:56

Her behaviour is a bit anti social, having said that I wouldn't expect a cafe to be quiet it's not a library..

Get some noise cancelling headphone will solve the problem...

AngelicKaty · 07/08/2025 10:56

@Bearlionfalcon YANBU OP. My DH and I came back from holiday recently and in the crowded airport cafe in Madeira a young woman came and sat at the table behind me and proceeded to doom-scroll through countless Tik-Tok videos at full volume. How can these people be so blissfully ignorant of the impact their poor behaviour has on others, but even more so when it's pointed out to them (politely) and they double-down on it?! 🙄
I remember years ago, on a training course in Switzerland, a colleague and I were catching the train back to Zurich - we hopped on with our cases at Zug into a carriage that was entirely empty save an older woman sitting quietly reading a book. We were animatedly discussing the course for about 15 minutes when this woman came over and pointed out the "Quiet Carriage" stickers on the window - I could have died of embarrassment! We meekly apologised and at the next stop we got off the train and then rejoined it in a carriage that wasn't designated as quiet. To this day I get hot at the thought of this woman's no-doubt increasing annoyance at our chatter, so I will never understand people who respond in such a selfish, arrogant way when politely asked to behave more reasonably in public. Good for you for saying something - and I'm sorry she didn't have the humility to simply apologise and put her phone on mute.

SapphireSeptember · 07/08/2025 10:56

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · 07/08/2025 10:36

This thread is going a very different way to all the threads about kids watching Peppa Pig without headphones.

I'd noticed that too, or teenagers being loud.

Easipeelerie · 07/08/2025 10:56

The issue is that device noise can’t be filtered out in the same way regular noise can. It’s intolerable and I would have gone and asked her to do the same.

Beachtastic · 07/08/2025 10:55

Really annoying and you'd hope the staff would sort it out, but I just cannot imagine trying to work on a laptop in a cafe. There's always going to be annoying distractions in the background.

This website might help you locate somewhere more suitable
https://laptopfriendly.co/cities

LaptopFriendly

Crowdsourced work and study-friendly cafes, restaurants, and hotel lobbies around the world.

https://laptopfriendly.co/cities

Renamed · 07/08/2025 10:55

I’m amazed that other people in the cafe didn’t chime in to support you. Someone watching videos out loud is incredibly anti social, and the cafe should not allow it

MagnificentBastard · 07/08/2025 10:55

Anyone that subjects others to this is a moron. I call them out every single time. And that includes idiot parents that prop a phone or iPad in front of their child without headphones.

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:55

@Flossflower thank you and I’m definitely with you on loud zoom calls with no headphones being just as annoying, people on laptops in cafes can also be very inconsiderate, I personally also find it really weird that anyone would want to hold a work zoom call in a cafe!

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/08/2025 10:54

The staff should ask her to desist. But if, as you say, there’s always plenty of space, I dare say they don’t want to annoy a regular customer.,

dimsiaradcymraeg · 07/08/2025 10:54

You are absolutely not being unreasonable! This type of behaviour is totally antisocial but seems to be so common now. Kids on iPads, people listening to music/ social media posts without headphones and chatting via speaker. Well don’t for speaking up!

Tauranga · 07/08/2025 10:54

Soontobe60 · 07/08/2025 10:16

I’ve said YABU because you’re going on about her possible age, financial position and social status. All of those things are totally irrelevant.
Just take your own headphones!

This!!
What has her wealth got to do with it, ( which you have no idea about, btw)
Also you then inferred her husband was a racist ( where do you originally come from?)

Also, I severely doubt you would approach a massive bloke.

I agree what she is doing is annoying but you are in a cafe, not a library.

thebraveryofbeingoutofrange · 07/08/2025 10:53

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:52

@Hodgemollar @TeeBee @RedRiverShore5 as I’ve said a few times, I definitely don’t think a cafe should be quiet just because I choose to work there and I would find it equally anti-social if someone decided to make loud work / zoom calls with no headphones in a cafe for example. My work only involves typing on a laptop, no calls or noise of any kind. I do pay to rent a co working space actually (I have done this since my local library closed) but I sometimes like a change of scene and some food, so I go to this cafe as it’s well suited to working on a laptop - it’s large with lots of small tables and lots of people doing the same as me so I don’t take up space others might want or get in the way. I don’t think it’s necessarily appropriate to use a laptop to work in every single cafe especially a smaller place where space is at a premium.

It’s possible that I’m overthinking this whole thing of course and that others are simply not as sensitive to phone / electronic noise as I seem to be!

I think you’ve been incredibly fair and patient @Bearlionfalcon , particularly on this thread!

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:53

@RedRiverShore5 i can’t work at home as have young children who are there in the day.

OP posts:
Flossflower · 07/08/2025 10:53

As a woman in her early 70s, YANBU. I would have asked them to be quiet too and not been so polite about it.
However, I get fed up with people in cafes on their lap tops who then suddenly need to make a loud phone call.

Bearlionfalcon · 07/08/2025 10:52

@Hodgemollar @TeeBee @RedRiverShore5 as I’ve said a few times, I definitely don’t think a cafe should be quiet just because I choose to work there and I would find it equally anti-social if someone decided to make loud work / zoom calls with no headphones in a cafe for example. My work only involves typing on a laptop, no calls or noise of any kind. I do pay to rent a co working space actually (I have done this since my local library closed) but I sometimes like a change of scene and some food, so I go to this cafe as it’s well suited to working on a laptop - it’s large with lots of small tables and lots of people doing the same as me so I don’t take up space others might want or get in the way. I don’t think it’s necessarily appropriate to use a laptop to work in every single cafe especially a smaller place where space is at a premium.

It’s possible that I’m overthinking this whole thing of course and that others are simply not as sensitive to phone / electronic noise as I seem to be!

OP posts:
Hippee · 07/08/2025 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

It's a completely different kind of sound to normal talking. We were in a cafe where a child was watching videos on a phone with the sound really loud and it was really annoying - and we were just having breakfast, not working.

waitingforpost · 07/08/2025 10:50

it’s been fascinating hearing what everyone’s real thoughts are.

It's not people's real thoughts, as pp said if you said it about a child's ipad you would have got very different responses.

Kaybee50 · 07/08/2025 10:49

I was in hospital recently for a few nights and shared a bay with a few women in their 70s. I was shocked at how they all made calls on loud speaker and watched things on their phones / tablets with no headphones! (Including in the middle of the night) with no consideration to anyone else. It drove me insane (on top of the sleep deprivation and pain!)
I would speak to the staff at the cafe and ask them to speak to her if it happens again.

OnlyTheBravest · 07/08/2025 10:49

OP, this is a massive, massive bug bear of mine. It has nothing to do with age as it is across the spectrum and I wish we could nip it in the bud but I do not see how.

Everywhere I go I have to listen to whatever someone else is listening to. Absolutely no idea why they will not wear headphones and it is appearing everywhere. In cafes, on public transport, just walking down the road. I have taken to wearing noise cancelling headphones but it shouldn't be my responsibility to block them out.

I would speak to the employees of the cafe and if no joy either try and avoid the loud couple or find a new cafe to work in.

Ilovemyshed · 07/08/2025 10:48

Its getting worse and worse in public, people scrolling videos or taking calls on the train, cafes and walking along the street with their phone on loudspeaker.

Its basic politeness to keep noise levels so that other people can’t hear everything.

Does remind me of a recent train journey when someone was very loudly giving lots of private info out loud on a call, they were about 20 rows of seats away from me. I wrote it all down and just before we got off, I walked down the carriage said “hi Jane Smith” and gave them a piece of paper with their name, address, DOB, NI number, credit card number date and ccv code, and their mother’s maiden name and said be really careful, everyone on this carriage could hear all this. Madness.

RedRiverShore5 · 07/08/2025 10:47

Work at home then you won't be annoyed by noise.