Page 4 | To book holiday without friend

TarzanGirl · 2025-08-07T08:54:00+00:00

Have a bit of a dilemma here and don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not… Group of 4 friends. 3 of us are what you would call ‘high earners’ whilst our 4th friend works a more ‘hobby’ job for want of a better term and only earns about £45/50k a year. Last year, we’d all agreed on a city break destination but the proposed hotel was vetoed by our friend due to being too costly, so we went to an alternative (which wasn’t great) at her request. We are looking at going away again later this year. Early discussions between two of us (not the 4th friend). We really want to stay somewhere more luxurious but know our friend won’t be able to afford it. Out of the options below, what do you think is most appropriate? We give our friend the option of joining, knowing full well she can’t stay there and when she suggests an alternative, say no. Or book without her knowledge and hope she doesn’t find out about it? We don’t really post on social media so that’s not an issue.

InterIgnis · 07/08/2025 15:11

Compared to what the rest of the group earns, 50k is ‘only’, and limits her 🤷🏻‍♀️

The majority of you want to go and enjoy a specific type of holiday, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You clearly have been mindful and inclusive, but being mindful and inclusive doesn’t mean you have to restrict yourselves every time.

I would invite her though. Hiding it could be stressful for you all, and her finding out later would likely be far more damaging to the friendship than honesty now.

ChildFreeAndOhSoHappy · 07/08/2025 15:09

Fair enough, if there is a way to make it work so that OP can have the holiday she wants and friend can afford it, fine, but if not then she just goes to the next one she can afford. Either way our holiday time is there to spend how we want, either her friend can afford or can't, she certainly can't blame them for not being able to afford it, at the same time if they always do stuff she can't afford then yeah, she's probably better off with some new friends but I don't think anybody is saying that.

ChildFreeAndOhSoHappy · 07/08/2025 15:09

Andbegin · 07/08/2025 15:05

That’s not how it needs to work though. You can stay in very expensive hotels that are a cheap flight away ( Nice flight for example - to Cannes/St Tropez/Monaco). Op can get the private jet, mate can EasyJet for £50
They could get a suite rather than individual rooms. Or Ops friend gets the cheapest room subsided by the others.
Good meals out and drinks are at every price point. There’s nothing to say Ops friend hasn’t got the money for that - just not everything high end.

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Fair enough, if there is a way to make it work so that OP can have the holiday she wants and friend can afford it, fine, but if not then she just goes to the next one she can afford. Either way our holiday time is there to spend how we want, either her friend can afford or can't, she certainly can't blame them for not being able to afford it, at the same time if they always do stuff she can't afford then yeah, she's probably better off with some new friends but I don't think anybody is saying that.

Andbegin · 07/08/2025 15:05

ChildFreeAndOhSoHappy · 07/08/2025 14:24

Why should they have to pool funds to pay for her? Where does it stop then, do they also pay for all of her meals and drinks? And what point do they start resenting her for going then? Why can't they go to a nice place and offer the option or say next time they will go somewhere more affordable? It's their holiday too, they shouldn't have to go somewhere shitty bc it's all she can afford.

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That’s not how it needs to work though. You can stay in very expensive hotels that are a cheap flight away ( Nice flight for example - to Cannes/St Tropez/Monaco). Op can get the private jet, mate can EasyJet for £50
They could get a suite rather than individual rooms. Or Ops friend gets the cheapest room subsided by the others.
Good meals out and drinks are at every price point. There’s nothing to say Ops friend hasn’t got the money for that - just not everything high end.

Bamboozled108 · 07/08/2025 14:29

Wish I was "only earning £45k on a hobby job!" guessing that means something on the side.
If she was a true friend I'd choose something that she can afford to come to.
If you choose somewhere she can't afford she's going to say she can't afford it, and feel upset you chose something knowing she can't afford it and feel you all did it on purpose

Twilightstarbright · 07/08/2025 14:26

@TarzanGirl I think you’ve worded it badly but I can see where you are coming from. There’s chat about a trip to NYC next year for a big birthday, some can afford it and some can’t. Some are single, some have families, for some it would be the only holiday and others it’s the only holiday.

I’ve suggested we do something everyone can afford as a group celebration of the big birthday (school friends so all turn 40 at the same time) but accept that 2 or 3 might go to NYC and stay in a fancy hotel. I can’t afford it but I can’t stop them either.

ChildFreeAndOhSoHappy · 07/08/2025 14:24

GymBergerac · 07/08/2025 13:44

Well my hobby is triathlon. If I could make £50k a year from it, I could give up the day job that only pays £29k.....😂 🤣

Seriously though, be a nice human, either club together, pool funds and book somewhere nice for all of you, or tell her what you're planning and leave her to find better friends.

Why should they have to pool funds to pay for her? Where does it stop then, do they also pay for all of her meals and drinks? And what point do they start resenting her for going then? Why can't they go to a nice place and offer the option or say next time they will go somewhere more affordable? It's their holiday too, they shouldn't have to go somewhere shitty bc it's all she can afford.

ChildFreeAndOhSoHappy · 07/08/2025 14:21

I totally get what you mean about setting a precedent, if you pay for her she will expect that and then prob start taking the piss. She would prob also expect people to cover her drinks etc and then that convo gets very uncomfortable. Been there. I would say either you tell her you're going, you want somewhere luxurious and she's welcome to come, or that she can join you next time, somewhere more affordable. I dont agree that you should go somewhere worse just so she can afford it but at the same time, you have to be OK with her joining you less if she always assumes she can't afford it.

spooge · 07/08/2025 14:16

You would rather stay at a nicer hotel than spend time with your friend? Is it really worth excluding someone just for a bit more luxury? If you were a real friend to this person, you would be able to make that sacrifice.

Merrymouse · 07/08/2025 13:58

ginasevern · 07/08/2025 12:09

I don't see why there's so much outrage about this. The OP has said that the friend in question's husband is a high earner, which enables her to work in a niche area that she's passionate about. Because she's chosen this path (and been fortunate enough to do so) she doesn't earn as much as the rest of the group. Surely she's therefore winning at life. She's doing what she loves, with the full support of her husband. It's not as if she's some poor downtrodden single parent. If her passion precludes her from affording luxury hotels, that's her choice. I don't see why the others should subsidise her or stay somewhere they don't want to.

In this scenario they all have loads of disposable income.

There was no need to mention the friend's salary at all, and it seems that she just has different priorities.

GymBergerac · 07/08/2025 13:44

Well my hobby is triathlon. If I could make £50k a year from it, I could give up the day job that only pays £29k.....😂 🤣

Seriously though, be a nice human, either club together, pool funds and book somewhere nice for all of you, or tell her what you're planning and leave her to find better friends.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 07/08/2025 13:42

hmmimnotsurewhy · 07/08/2025 13:19

You clearly don’t live in London

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I’ve got news for you, neither do the majority of people in this country.

hydriotaphia · 07/08/2025 13:41

But she knows her friend, and this might be true. I know women like this - Oxbridge educated, nice upper middle class London lifestyle, husband has high earning corporate job, wife quits corporate life to pursue a lower-earning but more personally rewarding career as a influencer/gallerist/podcast host - wife would not have done that without high earning husband. This is what I imagine the OP to be talking about.

Notsosure1 · 07/08/2025 13:40

butterpuffed · 07/08/2025 13:30

What's offensive is that OP calls it a hobby job as she thinks a 50k salary isn't much .

Edited

She’s said she doesn’t think it even qualifies as a salary at all!

butterpuffed · 07/08/2025 13:30

What's offensive is that OP calls it a hobby job as she thinks a 50k salary isn't much .

hydriotaphia · 07/08/2025 13:26

Re "hobby job" surely what the OP is saying is that her friend could earn more but has chosen to go into a less well paid field for reasons of passion. I don't think there's anything offensive about that.

hydriotaphia · 07/08/2025 13:24

Definitely invite her. Can't you subsidise her a bit too??

hmmimnotsurewhy · 07/08/2025 13:19

Lemonadeat8 · 07/08/2025 10:03

They ONLY earn £50k? Give yourself a shake for god sake.

You clearly don’t live in London

excelledyourself · 07/08/2025 13:17

Just tell her that you don’t consider what she does to be a real job, that she is heavily subsided by her husband - the real breadwinner in her household, and that she doesn’t meet your criteria for “success”.b

That should sort it.

Oh, and let us know how we can support this 50k “hobby” of hers. I’d love to see her become “successful”.

Whatifitallgoesright · 07/08/2025 13:10

£45- 50k is "severely limiting earning potential". The fact that you can say that so blithely just shows how utterly ignorent you are.

PfizerFan · 07/08/2025 13:09

Since when was 50k a crap salary?

Notsosure1 · 07/08/2025 13:04

TarzanGirl · 07/08/2025 11:26

It’s not a case of a high Mortgage etc, just comes down to disposable income. Her hubby earns well which enables her to pursue her passion for a living at the expense of salary.

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at the expense of a salary

How the hell is 50k NOT a salary?!!!

You're living in another world

nam3c4ang3 · 07/08/2025 13:04

Your friend needs better friends than you 😂 can’t believe she’s a good friend if you’ve even suggested going away in secret without her and hope she doesn’t find out. Pretty shit of you OP.

Notsosure1 · 07/08/2025 13:00

Severely limiting earning potential

At 50k.

That is all.

Roobarbtwo · 07/08/2025 12:57

TarzanGirl · 07/08/2025 11:26

It’s not a case of a high Mortgage etc, just comes down to disposable income. Her hubby earns well which enables her to pursue her passion for a living at the expense of salary.

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Some people exist very well on much less than 50k. It's the fact that you don't seem to grasp that 50k is a decent salary for many people that's doing you zero favours.