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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To book holiday without friend

391 replies

TarzanGirl · 07/08/2025 09:54

Have a bit of a dilemma here and don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not…

Group of 4 friends. 3 of us are what you would call ‘high earners’ whilst our 4th friend works a more ‘hobby’ job for want of a better term and only earns about £45/50k a year.

Last year, we’d all agreed on a city break destination but the proposed hotel was vetoed by our friend due to being too costly, so we went to an alternative (which wasn’t great) at her request.

We are looking at going away again later this year. Early discussions between two of us (not the 4th friend). We really want to stay somewhere more luxurious but know our friend won’t be able to afford it.

Out of the options below, what do you think is most appropriate? We give our friend the option of joining, knowing full well she can’t stay there and when she suggests an alternative, say no. Or book without her knowledge and hope she doesn’t find out about it? We don’t really post on social media so that’s not an issue.

OP posts:
madnessitellyou · 07/08/2025 10:15

Niche, hobby, whatever.

She earns less than you so you are looking for ways to cut her off. Just book the holiday, tell her why you didn’t include her, job done. Hopefully she’ll realise how horrible you and the others are and find new friends,

Shinyandnew1 · 07/08/2025 10:14

our 4th friend works a more ‘hobby’ job for want of a better term and only earns about £45/50k a year.

I'm a teacher and earn about that. Do you think I have a 'hobby' job?

What about nurses, cleaners, police, loads of NHS staff, and all the other millions of people who do jobs earning that or less?

oustedbymymate · 07/08/2025 10:13

A hobby job -45k!!!!!!! Only on mumsnet

EmeraldJeanie · 07/08/2025 10:13

I earn a lot less than this hobby job but work hard.
I think with attitude op has that option 1 way to go but your friend might become more distant.
An example from my life...a friend of mine wanted me to go away for a weekend with her. Far too expensive for me. She said I want your company. It was a one off event and normally we choose something we can both afford. We had a lovely time. It is a bit different to your situation. I am aware this friend tries to sub me if something out of my financial comfort zone. Sometimes I let her and sometimes I stretch myself a little. She is a good friend though.

Kevinisnotacatname · 07/08/2025 10:12

You're putting luxury accommodation before your friend. That's pretty despicable.

Original poster
TarzanGirl · 07/08/2025 10:12

Blimey I wish I didn’t use the term hobby, I couldn’t think of the term to use. ‘Niche’ probably would have been better - something my friend is passionate about but has severely limiting earning potential. Of course she works hard etc.

OP posts:
Dancingsquirrels · 07/08/2025 10:11

Invite her, make it clear that's where you're planning to go, don't pressure her to come if she can't afford it, accept she may be hurt that you chose to go somewhere knowing she wouldn't / come, don't be dismissive about "hobby jobs" that earn less than you do

thatone · 07/08/2025 10:11

I think you should be open about this and invite her to the more expensive hotel. Everyone will then know where they stand and you all will not need to hide it from her in the future.

Original poster
TarzanGirl · 07/08/2025 10:11

Waterbortle · 07/08/2025 10:08

I think you can go on whatever holiday you choose, but you're basically ending the friendship, if you do it without discussing it with her and definitely if you do it behind her back.

If my friends talked to me about a holiday they really wanted to go on but was expensive, I'd say I'm sorry I won't be able to come, but have a great time.

If I found out they'd booked a secret holiday without me, I'd be devastated.

I think you can go on the expensive holiday, but it will definitely change the dynamic if the friendship group. Can you do a cheaper holiday with her too?

Put like that I can definitely see your point. I think we are going to have to tell her and give her the choice of joining but stand firm on where we’d like to go.

OP posts:
madnessitellyou · 07/08/2025 10:10

I’d love to read the “hobbyist’s” AIBU: To stop seeing my friends because they think I’m not worthy of their friendship because I don’t earn enough.

What job does she do? 50k is more than lots of teachers. I can assure that ain’t my hobby love.

Waterbortle · 07/08/2025 10:10

Actually having read this back, I think the friendship is done anyway. You don't like her.

CandidOP · 07/08/2025 10:09

Well, even very expensive hotels can have problems as I have experienced. I think the more important point is that you are essentially dumping your friend despite her earning a good wage because it's not good enough for you. My friends are my friends because of the people they are and not their earning potential. Your high earning little clique sound quite poisonous TBH.

GinAndJuice99 · 07/08/2025 10:09

No way in the world this is real

FrenchandSaunders · 07/08/2025 10:09

No concierge! Oh god ... I see what you mean. Leave her behind, you can't be expected to carry your own bags or book your own tables. She'll understand if she's a good friend.

TheEyesOfLucyJordon · 07/08/2025 10:09

Idontjetwashthefucker · 07/08/2025 10:06

Id like a hobby job that only pays 45/50k.

This post has to be a pisstake

No shit, Sherlock 😘

SapphOhNo · 07/08/2025 10:09

You sound like an insufferable snob.

Hobby job yourself off into the bin.

Waterbortle · 07/08/2025 10:08

I think you can go on whatever holiday you choose, but you're basically ending the friendship, if you do it without discussing it with her and definitely if you do it behind her back.

If my friends talked to me about a holiday they really wanted to go on but was expensive, I'd say I'm sorry I won't be able to come, but have a great time.

If I found out they'd booked a secret holiday without me, I'd be devastated.

I think you can go on the expensive holiday, but it will definitely change the dynamic if the friendship group. Can you do a cheaper holiday with her too?

Gemmawemma9 · 07/08/2025 10:08

Penalised for having successful careers
Wow
i just cant 😂

Original poster
TarzanGirl · 07/08/2025 10:07

Alwayswonderedwhy · 07/08/2025 10:05

I think it's fine to go away separately, just let her know your plans and give her the option to go if she wants. Maybe go somewhere within her budget too?

Holiday allowance from work means only one trip is possible - it has been a very busy summer for hens and weddings! I’ve had my main abroad holidays already and this trip is more of an end of year ‘breather’ before the fun and games of Christmas.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 07/08/2025 10:07

Please tell me this isn’t real!
Only has a hobby job earning 50k 🤣
She needs nicer friends that’s for sure!

Idontjetwashthefucker · 07/08/2025 10:06

Id like a hobby job that only pays 45/50k.

This post has to be a pisstake

Pigsrock · 07/08/2025 10:06

I can’t see past the ‘hobby job’ either. I earn roughly what she does and wouldn’t like to be seen as the poor relation. But to actually not tell her would be a shit thing to do.

Gemmawemma9 · 07/08/2025 10:06

AllKindsOfThingsAreInteresting · 07/08/2025 10:03

Make your choice assuming she will find out. Then decide if you are comfortable with the choice you have made.

this is excellent advice

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 07/08/2025 10:06

Firstly, you sound like a right fucking snob.

Secondly, booking it and secretly going away behind her back is not the work of friends, it's mean girl, bitchy behaviour. Have some respect for your friend (with her measly hobby job 🙄) and talk to her or, shock, find a compromise that works for everyone.

Original poster
TarzanGirl · 07/08/2025 10:05

EmeraldJeanie · 07/08/2025 09:59

Try and think of a better term than hobby job!
It is a huge risk to not tell her and go without her. I think option 1 but if good enough friend quietly offer to pay part of hers if she objects at cost? Or, are there different room arrangements at different costs?

I don’t think covering some of the costs will work - it will set a precedent for future trips, and it feels a bit like we are being penalised for having successful careers.

OP posts: