To be struggling with friends SEN child??

Keep children downstairs in lounge
Don't let them in bedrooms
Provide toys they can't break like Lego
Or better still go to soft play together

In your friend's position (and I have been there) I don't think it's fair on anybody for her dc to visit others at home. Her dc is obviously distressed/overstimulated and is hard to manage, your dcs are upset, you are upset and your friend is upset. I wouldn't have taken dd2 to anyone's house, as I couldn't keep her safe and the expectation would be that I could manage her behaviour - v challenging in an unknown environment where I would have to watch her like a hawk. The exact opposite of it being a break, it would be very hard work!

I agree with others that a neutral meeting place would be better. My dd would be better in a park or playground, much calmer and more space etc.

Edited for errors.

Your children come first! Stop putting their needs last.

We don’t take our SENd son to anyone’s house, or allow him to destroy other people’s property.

If we are somewhere (play centre etc) and he takes anything from another child, it is quickly removed from him. If that continues, or he escalates, we leave.

I wouldn’t be bringing him to your house, and if for any reason I did, as soon as any destructive behaviour started - we’d be going home.

We don’t remove him to ostracise him, we remove him because that’s the only way to teach him that damaging other people’s property (including ours!) isn’t acceptable.

I think you need to have a chat with your friend, explain how much it’s upsetting your children, and make a new plan to see each other.

I’d tell her that owing to the destruction of so much in your home, form now on you’ll meet outside at a park/whatever (don’t take any toys) or meet her when it’s just the two of you.

Explain that her child has irreparably damaged some things that were previous so from now on it’s better for everyone to meet somewhere else or at hers.

I don’t think it’s a very good idea to lock doors etc or confine guests to one “rumpus room”. Firstly OP may not live in a house with multiple downstairs rooms, and secondly ime guests get quite shirty if they feel they or their dcs are being managed.

We imagine that treasured possessions are granny-style ornaments teetering precariously, but I had a friend whose younger ds had SEN and before I could stop him he was trying to pull the tv off the wall. He then pulled at a heavy wall-mounted mirror. I shouted Stop! because he could have been really badly injured. Friend looked quite cross.

I said in last paragraph that I had a friend because I didn’t know how to handle things and let things drift. I wish I could have talked about the situation but I could tell that it would not have been received well.

I have 3 Autistic children and I'm a single parent.

We just didn't (still don't) go to other people's houses.
My children were very destructive at around 7.

Organise to meet at her house, park or soft play.

Or meet when the children are at school.

It's not fair on your dc and they are your priority, not your friend or her dc.

Why doesn't she keep her daughter with her instead of allowing her to go where she wants? Is she going to replace the damaged items?

The pool thing would really really annoy me actually. My 5 year old is doubly incompetent too (he is also autistic). He loves swimming and wears a swim nappy but I have to admit it's getting harder to find ones that fit.
However that's not an excuse to ruin everyone's fun.
If I had a friend who couldn't be bothered to parent or always used the excuse of SEN I wouldn't be friends with them.
Same for you OP. Your friend still needs to parent her child (it's different parenting a child with SEN but you don't just let them destroy other people's things) and if she can't or won't then just see her on her own. Or go to their house, then it's not your stuff getting wrecked.
Unfortunately if you're a single parent you don't get a break in this situation. I've been separated from my husband for a few months. It's bloody hard always being on high alert, but it's not okay to let my DC destroy things because I need a break.
She's upset because friends have made comments. As the stuff is just material she can replace it. Until she does she can't come round. Might be the only way to make her realise she actually has to parent her child m

Does she put other non edible items in her mouth? I’m no expert but sounds like PICA.

Has this brilliant friend offered to replace the book and toy?

I agree with this. Your friend has been there for you, and you want to support her as she has supported you in the past. It would be a shame to fade her out as other posters are suggesting. Meeting her in neutral places like a park sounds like a good idea in theory but in reality the weather may be crap and her child may get overwhelmed in noisy environments. Meeting in the home is generally easier, cheaper, and more comfortable. Rather than fading her out or banning her from your home I would think it’s better to talk properly with her and come up with solutions together. She needs to understand that breaking your children’s toys can’t go on, as it’s too upsetting for them. Perhaps limiting her visits would help. You can still see each other but she knows she has to supervise her child closely to prevent them breaking things, and leave before things get out of hand.

With all the new devices that are invented now, isn't there one that is a temporary internal door lock device? One that is placed at the top of the door and secures the door?? Haven't looked, but only a suggestion. 🤗

In terms of her paying for damage - I receive around £400pm DLA for my dd who has autism. I consider that money to be partly for the additional costs associated with her behaviour eg. She chews clothes I have to replace often and soils underwear a lot.
Assuming your friend is claiming DLA I would absolutely think it's appropriate for her to cover the cost of damage. She is receiving that money because her daughter's behaviour has cost implications

If it’s upsetting your children, then stop her coming and put your children first, unless you’re prepared to replace everything that they break every time!

Yes go to her or meet somewhere in the middle. If your good friends maybe gently explain. I had a friend whose child was brought up without many rules and would trash my house every time. Dh always knew when they had been as apparently it looked like we had been burgled! I met outdoors it was much easier.

This. DS has a friend with SEN and we run playdates as if they are with much younger children. No one goes upstairs, children stay in living room with parents and we engage in their games more than people normally do at this age. It's one of those "welcome to Holland" things - sure it is not as relaxing as being able to wave them off for an hour, but there is also value and a sort of break in visiting your adult friend who makes an effort to engage with your child and play a game with her when most others don't. Check that your daughter at least tolerates the set up, make sure all precious things are stowed in her room and the girls don't go in.

In practice meeting at a park or trampoline place might be easier, but it is not the only option.

Also I would just add that this could well be temporary. This little girl will grow up. You can relax the rules as she gets bigger.

She shouldn’t, but OP said her child is distraught and if that’s the only way of replacing the toy then what else can she do? It’s not her child’s fault that OP invited a destructive child into what should be OP’s child’s safe space.

It’s harsh but I agree that you need to stop her visits to your house: it’s not fair on your children. She seems to be ignoring the impact it is having on them, and on you by extension. I know an SEN child who behaved similarly and she did it at home so often that her mother was desensitised to it - in the scheme of all the things the mother was putting up with, a broken mug or iPad was not a big deal. Your children shouldn’t have to live with the worry of losing treasured possessions, though.

Oh no, I know and I definitely agree. I don't think the children should be impacted beyond being expected to show empathy and encouraged to give up a little bit of their time and attention. I'd manage the issues by putting all their stuff away and getting cheap, neutral stuff out. And not insisting that they stay around and play with the friend's child. They can go and use their own things elsewhere. It's the people saying things like this that I don't think are understanding just how difficult the OP's friend's life is:

being on the spectrum is not an excuse or reason to allow a child to behave how they want, they still need boundaries and rules. You friend sounds like she very much o but she’s Autistic so I am not going to do anything about it. By 7 she should know right from wrong

If she's distraught about people making comments she needs to stop her child breaking other peoples stuff. I appreciate it's not easy for her but she's brought this on herself. Most parents of autistic children would not be putting you in this situation in the first place. If she needs to follow her dd around she needs too.

How would you manage the issues though, because even if she can't help it, it doesn't mitigate the hurt to OP's own children. As someone above said, they don't have to be martyrs.

Ah, ok. I'm a bit of a to do list/bullet point obsessive when it comes to life action plans! Sorry!

It's not but you're the second person to ask me that so I'm now curious. That post took me ages. Could an AI app really do the same thing? How long would it take? Does AI text need spellchecking etc or is it always correct? Can it actually advise and sound human? (although it sounds like I failed to do that anyway so maybe that doesn't matter!)

It's not something I've ever downloaded because AI terrifies me and I feel like it should be banned before it ends the world but now I feel I should explore it.

(Sorry for the de-rail, fee free to ignore if inappopriate).

Rather than being upset, your friend needs to find solutions to help her dd.

Where does she go to school? Does she have an EHCP? Children with unmet needs do tend to be either destructive or disruptive. And are probably very bored hence the behaviour!

In this world, if you have a child with SEN, it’s completely on you to fight for their needs to be met. Nobody will knock on your door to offer help - it’s not fair but it’s the way it is. I’ve had to adjust everything for my children because they don’t fit into an NT world. It costs a lot of money, time and planning.

Parents who bury their heads in the sand about this stuff frustrate me to the core.