To be struggling with friends SEN child??

Indeed. If she believes being supportive means her friends should happily allow her daughter to wander around their homes and destroy their belongings, then it’s no wonder she’s finding herself with a lack of support.

She isn’t being a good friend, and nor is she displaying empathy and understanding towards those who very reasonably don’t want their houses trashed. That her life is hard doesn’t give her the right to impose this chaos on others.

The friend says that people are unsupportive of kids with SEN... Surely it's more likely that people simply don't want their houses destroyed?

So actually the mother is being unsupportive of respect for people's property?

But she's willing to let her kid run riot and cause damage...because, oh, you know, her kid is SEN

🤷

At the end of the day your friend needs to realise that her child causes problems.

And unless she's willing to address it, then yes, people will distance themselves from her.

She's a bit of a ninny if she can't grasp that people don't want their houses and gardens torn apart.

Interesting maybe we should invent something reliable, we would make a killing🤣🤣

Yeah we get 3 a day now. Nowhere near enough, we end up self funding before the next delivery. He’s 8, but in 11-12 clothes so they’ve put him in small adult ones now.

Ours is 2-19, we asked and they said they “wing it” with the ones we’re currently using and just accept that sometimes they’ll have to clean up.

They don’t double up, or use anything special, just hope for the best.

Pleasant. I’ll add it to the list of things I’d like the LA to contribute more to!

No they don't my son was in nappies untill around nine ,we got 3 nappies a day, on the NHS,
You have got me thinking though ,there is a hydro pool at my sons special school ,they must use something reliable for those children that are incontinent it's a secondary school .

Haven't you always had boundaries round where visiting children are allowed though? We have always kept our bedroom out of bounds and we didn't allow visiting children upstairs until we were happy for them to play unsupervised. Still your point is that you and your friend are, between you, unable to keep eyes on her in your own house. If you can't do that, there is not much point us suggesting that you do.

You say she always reaches out to you and offers to drop in. Would it be possible for you to go to hers instead? It might be more inconvenient for you to travel, but it might be worth it so the meeting is on her little girl's territory so easier for everyone. Any solution is going to involve some compromise, and this might be better and less hurtful to your friend than other options. Next time she messages could you suggest you make the trip to hers instead?

Tbf I think there are, they’re just very expensive and the incontinence team don’t cover them. I’ll have to bite the pooey bullet before our next holiday 😂

You sound like a great friend.

It is very difficult for her, having to constantly monitor and apologise for your child’s behaviours is draining and probably embarrassing for some.

It’s also difficult to accept that they’re as impactful on others as they are. You want your child to have play dates like everyone else’s, and it’s crap when they’re not able to manage it.

It sounds like a really difficult conversation to have, but hopefully she’ll be able to see your position and you’ll both find ways to make it work.

My sons out of nappies now so i don't unfortunately, but there must be something for incontinent adults ?

Not to derail, but if you know any that fit kids 10+ please let me know.

We’re using the Splashabout ones currently and they are not safe enough - the paddling pool incidents this summer have not been the one!

Not the point of the thread but you can buy reusable special needs swimming pull ups on amazon I can't remember the name but if you Google them you should be able yo find them easily.

I think enforcing it would be easier and less hurtful than not having her in the house at all. She is a close friend so surely you can have an honest conversaion with her? Say that you understand how difficult things are for her, that you understand her hurt regarding other friends cutting her out and that you really don't want to do the same because you love her and her daughter, want t spend time with them and don't want her to feel alone. BUT that, in order for that to happen, you can't carry on as you are. You have to have boundaries like the children's bedrooms and belongings being no go zones. Surely any reasonable friend will accept that and be grateful that you have found a workable solution? If not - well then, I'd say you've done all you can reasonably be expected to do and, if she won't follow that, then she's excluding herself. You're not doing it to her.

Really your df should replace the broken objects imo

maybe meet her away from your home.

I wouldn’t allow the dd upstairs either

Except, they have not come first, on several occasions. You have allowed a woman and her child to make them feel unsafe in their own home and destroy their belongings. The first time the child made them feel unsafe and unhappy in their own home should have been the absolutely last time.

"Brilliant" friends don't try to guilt you into allowing their child to roam around your home breaking your children's possessions, and they definitely replace anything their child breaks.

And again, it simply does not matter - not at all, not one single bit - what the reasons are. All that matters is that your children have been hurt because you wanted to consider yourself nice and progressive more than you wanted them to feel safe.

The children probably feel quite resentful. Children have to tolerate whoever their parents bring into the house.Because they have no autonomy.

I have to say I hated it when my mother invited friends over and their children who I didn't like.

I hated having to pretend to like these people and be nice to them. When they'd gone, my mum would just say, oh well... In an annoyed way. She was annoyed that I was annoyed rather than at her.Guests who haven't been very nice to me.

Their only children toys, books is pretty much their world, and they rely on everybody to buy things for them.They have no money of their own. If you don't safeguard their stuff, no one else will.

At least have a no upstairs rule and put everything of value in your bedroom and your childrens and leave the doors shut.

Clearly it can't continue. Its not the child's fault, but it isn't yours either. Her need for a break doesn't trump yours and your children's rights.
Sounds like your friend needs proper respite to be able to maintain her friendships, but cannot be expected to just take her child to friends houses and not supervise them.

Stop inviting them to your house

That pool scenario is disgusting and you say shes done this 3 times!!! What on earth is she thinking

Why are you allowing another child to destroy your children's belongings? So you feel like a good person? Your job is to parent YOUR OWN children. That includes protecting them.

It literally does not matter - not at all, not one single iota - what the reason for the destruction of their safety and belongings is. The only thing that matters is that YOU are their mother and should be protecting them from this.

And there is nothing even remotely unkind or bigoted about anything I just said.

I think it’s lovely that you want to support your friend, raising a child with complex SEN can be very isolating.

If you want to keep having them over though you do need to take steps so that she doesn’t have access to things she can break or she needs to be closely supervised. You could install stair-gates or locks on the doors for example so that she cannot access your children’s bedrooms or other areas of the house which have breakable toys in. You could go to charity shops and pick up some cheap second hand toys that will stand up to being chewed and have them in an accessible toy box for when she stays so she is less interested in seeking out your children’s toys. I don’t know your friends financial situation but you might also have a conversation with your friend and explain that it’s becoming difficult to host them because she’s breaking your DC’s toys and you can’t afford to replace them, ideally in a situation where her child has broken toys at your house she should be giving you the money to replace them. You might also have to accept that the child does need closely supervising when in the house and that you won’t be able to leave her to play whilst you catch up; could you factor in trips to the park or garden or somewhere else during the day so that you can catch up then and so that she can be closely supervised in the house?

@UninterestedBeing12 has nailed it, @KimbleThimble.