Page 6 | To be struggling with friends SEN child??

KimbleThimble · 2025-08-06T23:57:38+00:00

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL. My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up. My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds. My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings. I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?

bigyawn · 07/08/2025 22:50

InterIgnis · 07/08/2025 22:45

As a whole, western society is more inclusive and educated regarding disability today than it was in the 90s.

Having kindness and empathy does not mean you should be willing to allow your home to be trashed, or for your children to be ‘distraught’ (no kindness, understanding and empathy for them apparently, they just have to put up and shut up).

Yes, OP’s friend’s situation is shit. Her situation being shit does not mean OP or her children have to accept what having the child in their home unfortunately brings. None of this is OP’s fault, and she’s fully justified in saying ‘no more’.

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Yes, you can have kindness and empathy - and boundaries.

bigyawn · 07/08/2025 22:49

the7Vabo · 07/08/2025 21:47

Today’s society is increasingly me & mine ahead of others. When I was in primary school in the 1990s there was huge focus on kindness & empathy for those less fortunate. On loving your neighbour as yourself.

A person slightly further up this thread shared their story of living with a child with additional needs & I can’t see one person who took the time to say “that sounds difficult”, or “I’m sorry”

It just but the children’s toys on repeat. The OP has been scolded on the thread for not “prioritising” her own children. When both she & they left a toy & a book out of sentimental value.

In 10 years time the OP’s children will likely have gotten rid of every single toy they have now. They will have grown up and moved on as they should. And the friend will still be dealing with the needs of her SEN child. And all her old friends who stoped inviting her wound will have moved on too. They will sit in coffee shops & exchange tales of had kids uni experiences etc. And she will left lonely & isolated.

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That's the place I'm at. My disabled child should be graduating university or in the workforce. But that's the hand life dealt me and I have to make the best of it.

The problem is that this issue of OP's isn't something that happened once that can be moved on from. It's every time.

OP's friend doesn't have to be isolated if she accepts visits from OP in her own home, meets at another location, or finds some other way to have the friendship without OP's children having to be distressed every time she visits.

SleeplessInWherever · 07/08/2025 22:47

bigyawn · 07/08/2025 22:38

I have a disabled child I will probably care for until I drop dead. Yes, it's isolating. That doesn't mean it's acceptable for them to negatively impact other people's children and lives.

The solution here is to meet out of OP's home. If her friend won't accept that (after all, OP and her children have needs too), then she's not a good friend herself.

I think OP can protect her children and home and still be a good friend. If her friend won't accept any proposed solutions, or propose workable ones herself, then the friend's inflexibility and expectation that people should tolerate anything from her child is the problem.

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Me too.

I absolutely agree that OP’s friend either needs support to manage the situation (leave, remove from the environment, etc) or should be flexible to changing how and where they meet up.

I just find comments from people who’ve never lived a day in this woman’s position, but call her lazy, taking the piss and making out she permits that behaviour, both uninformed and rude.

She’s likely worn out, being a lone parent to a disabled child, and sounds like she’s really struggling.

That doesn’t mean something doesn’t need to change, but the tone some people speak about disabled children and their parents with is completely unnecessary.

InterIgnis · 07/08/2025 22:45

the7Vabo · 07/08/2025 21:47

Today’s society is increasingly me & mine ahead of others. When I was in primary school in the 1990s there was huge focus on kindness & empathy for those less fortunate. On loving your neighbour as yourself.

A person slightly further up this thread shared their story of living with a child with additional needs & I can’t see one person who took the time to say “that sounds difficult”, or “I’m sorry”

It just but the children’s toys on repeat. The OP has been scolded on the thread for not “prioritising” her own children. When both she & they left a toy & a book out of sentimental value.

In 10 years time the OP’s children will likely have gotten rid of every single toy they have now. They will have grown up and moved on as they should. And the friend will still be dealing with the needs of her SEN child. And all her old friends who stoped inviting her wound will have moved on too. They will sit in coffee shops & exchange tales of had kids uni experiences etc. And she will left lonely & isolated.

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As a whole, western society is more inclusive and educated regarding disability today than it was in the 90s.

Having kindness and empathy does not mean you should be willing to allow your home to be trashed, or for your children to be ‘distraught’ (no kindness, understanding and empathy for them apparently, they just have to put up and shut up).

Yes, OP’s friend’s situation is shit. Her situation being shit does not mean OP or her children have to accept what having the child in their home unfortunately brings. None of this is OP’s fault, and she’s fully justified in saying ‘no more’.

bigyawn · 07/08/2025 22:38

the7Vabo · 07/08/2025 19:58

Professional support for disabled children isn’t a given. The reality is having a disabled child is a lonely and exhausting experience.

Yes, it is upsetting for a child that a toy was broken. But it wasn’t done by a bold or nasty child.

To the friend whose life has been taken over by a disabled child, who can’t sit down for a cup of tea without her child breaking something a toy is a material item. Because a child being upset about a toy doesn’t come close to the struggle she has to endure.

If you have a disabled child in Ireland the likelihood is you will have to mind them until you drop dead & then they will be stuck in
an OAP nursing home. Let’s not kid ourselves that there is support elsewhere the friend can avail of. It’s likely minimal.

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I have a disabled child I will probably care for until I drop dead. Yes, it's isolating. That doesn't mean it's acceptable for them to negatively impact other people's children and lives.

The solution here is to meet out of OP's home. If her friend won't accept that (after all, OP and her children have needs too), then she's not a good friend herself.

I think OP can protect her children and home and still be a good friend. If her friend won't accept any proposed solutions, or propose workable ones herself, then the friend's inflexibility and expectation that people should tolerate anything from her child is the problem.

Merryoldgoat · 07/08/2025 22:37

I find this quite hard to understand. I have two autistic children. They are able in different ways but my 7yo is like a toddler in terms of cognition and interests - still like Coco Melon and Baby Shark. He’s hard on stuff and whilst not destructive deliberately, he’s like a rhino and crashes around with no awareness of his physical presence.

Therefore I only take him places I know are suitable, I absolutely do NOT leave him unsupervised and would not allow him to roam around someone’s house. I take toys and books he’s familiar with, snacks, and if he shows signs of being ‘on one’ we leave.

This sounds like a parenting issue to me. I’d be absolutely gutted if my son had destroyed other peoples belongings.

You say she won’t get a break if she supervises constantly - how is it a relaxing break if at the end there’s wreckage.

I think you need to address it with her. And she may well be in denial but that doesn’t mean your home gets to be destroyed.

TheTwitcher11 · 07/08/2025 22:34

the7Vabo · 07/08/2025 21:47

Today’s society is increasingly me & mine ahead of others. When I was in primary school in the 1990s there was huge focus on kindness & empathy for those less fortunate. On loving your neighbour as yourself.

A person slightly further up this thread shared their story of living with a child with additional needs & I can’t see one person who took the time to say “that sounds difficult”, or “I’m sorry”

It just but the children’s toys on repeat. The OP has been scolded on the thread for not “prioritising” her own children. When both she & they left a toy & a book out of sentimental value.

In 10 years time the OP’s children will likely have gotten rid of every single toy they have now. They will have grown up and moved on as they should. And the friend will still be dealing with the needs of her SEN child. And all her old friends who stoped inviting her wound will have moved on too. They will sit in coffee shops & exchange tales of had kids uni experiences etc. And she will left lonely & isolated.

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You have just managed to perfectly articulate what I think about a lot of posters on here re the ‘me and mine’ lot

bigyawn · 07/08/2025 22:33

the7Vabo · 07/08/2025 17:58

It’s not about the OP “not protecting them”, it’s about the OP trying to be a good friend as she has said herself which is very admirable.

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It's not noble to be a good friend at the expense of being a good mother.

I still remember my mother lending one of my most prized possessions to someone against my wishes and protests, and how that person utterly destroyed it beyond repair. It's an item that I'd probably have loved and had great sentimental value even today. On the surface it's not really a big deal but it really hurt.

SleeplessInWherever · 07/08/2025 22:27

Kirbert2 · 07/08/2025 21:25

My son is 9 and bowel incontinent and we use these. They are expensive but are the best thing I've found for older children.

Kes-Vir Boy's Slate Shorties - 11/12 yrs Slate/Red : Amazon.co.uk: Fashion

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Amazing, thank you! I’ve saved those, shall give them a try and hope there are less escapees haha.

Scottishskifun · 07/08/2025 22:24

@KimbleThimble can I suggest when she messages and asks for a visit that you reverse it around and then go stay with her/visit her instead?

As said in previous posts I have a few friends with autistic children. One of which I have known since he was 18 months old (he's now 17). We did as you did of trying to accommodate etc. Actually found the best option for everyone was for us to visit instead - we still visit but now get an air bnb. This allows her DS to be comfortable within own setting but also come to us in his own time and he has his safe space.

Timeforabitofpeace · 07/08/2025 22:15

I think I would let it go. And meet elsewhere.

MascaraGirl · 07/08/2025 22:00

the7Vabo · 07/08/2025 19:58

Professional support for disabled children isn’t a given. The reality is having a disabled child is a lonely and exhausting experience.

Yes, it is upsetting for a child that a toy was broken. But it wasn’t done by a bold or nasty child.

To the friend whose life has been taken over by a disabled child, who can’t sit down for a cup of tea without her child breaking something a toy is a material item. Because a child being upset about a toy doesn’t come close to the struggle she has to endure.

If you have a disabled child in Ireland the likelihood is you will have to mind them until you drop dead & then they will be stuck in
an OAP nursing home. Let’s not kid ourselves that there is support elsewhere the friend can avail of. It’s likely minimal.

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So you’re suggesting the OP should just let it go?

the7Vabo · 07/08/2025 21:47

InterIgnis · 07/08/2025 21:16

No one has forgotten that. The other child is not OP’s priority. Her own children are, and they shouldn’t have to put up with someone coming into their home and destroying their things.

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Today’s society is increasingly me & mine ahead of others. When I was in primary school in the 1990s there was huge focus on kindness & empathy for those less fortunate. On loving your neighbour as yourself.

A person slightly further up this thread shared their story of living with a child with additional needs & I can’t see one person who took the time to say “that sounds difficult”, or “I’m sorry”

It just but the children’s toys on repeat. The OP has been scolded on the thread for not “prioritising” her own children. When both she & they left a toy & a book out of sentimental value.

In 10 years time the OP’s children will likely have gotten rid of every single toy they have now. They will have grown up and moved on as they should. And the friend will still be dealing with the needs of her SEN child. And all her old friends who stoped inviting her wound will have moved on too. They will sit in coffee shops & exchange tales of had kids uni experiences etc. And she will left lonely & isolated.

Kirbert2 · 07/08/2025 21:25

SleeplessInWherever · 07/08/2025 14:13

Not to derail, but if you know any that fit kids 10+ please let me know.

We’re using the Splashabout ones currently and they are not safe enough - the paddling pool incidents this summer have not been the one!

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My son is 9 and bowel incontinent and we use these. They are expensive but are the best thing I've found for older children.

Kes-Vir Boy's Slate Shorties - 11/12 yrs Slate/Red : Amazon.co.uk: Fashion

InterIgnis · 07/08/2025 21:16

SleeplessInWherever · 07/08/2025 21:10

It does, tbf. It sounds like this woman is at fault somehow, and she isn’t. Nobody is intending to upset anyone’s children.

It’s worth remembering that the other child, the one who people “fear the chaos” of, is also someone’s child. They’re different, sure, but we’re talking about a 7 year old, who cognitively sounds much younger if they’re eating jigsaws.

Empathy does work all ways.

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No one has forgotten that. The other child is not OP’s priority. Her own children are, and they shouldn’t have to put up with someone coming into their home and destroying their things.

SleeplessInWherever · 07/08/2025 21:10

InterIgnis · 07/08/2025 21:03

It can sound to you however you would like it to.

You have no idea whether OP’s children lose and break toys every day of the week, but even if they did that doesn’t mean they should be happy for another child to come in and do it too.

As it is, OP has said it’s really upsetting her children and they don’t look forward to the visits, fearing the chaos that invariably ensues. They’re not just ‘moving on’, and nor should they have to.

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It does, tbf. It sounds like this woman is at fault somehow, and she isn’t. Nobody is intending to upset anyone’s children.

It’s worth remembering that the other child, the one who people “fear the chaos” of, is also someone’s child. They’re different, sure, but we’re talking about a 7 year old, who cognitively sounds much younger if they’re eating jigsaws.

Empathy does work all ways.

InterIgnis · 07/08/2025 21:03

the7Vabo · 07/08/2025 20:57

It’s all so dramatic. Children lose & break toys every day of the week themselves without assistance from anyone. Lego is hoovered up etc. There is upset & they move on.

A favourite toy & a book from grandma should have been put away. A jigsaw can be replaced.

You’d swear the child was tearing the other kids’ eyes out, and Op let it happen.

The way you phrase things sound very othering to me “her inability to cope”, “her desire for normality”.

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It can sound to you however you would like it to.

You have no idea whether OP’s children lose and break toys every day of the week, but even if they did that doesn’t mean they should be happy for another child to come in and do it too.

As it is, OP has said it’s really upsetting her children and they don’t look forward to the visits, fearing the chaos that invariably ensues. They’re not just ‘moving on’, and nor should they have to.

the7Vabo · 07/08/2025 20:57

InterIgnis · 07/08/2025 20:44

Her desire for normality should not come at the expense of OP and her children. No one is saying the friend’s life isn’t hard or even utterly shit. It sounds very much like it is. However, this does not mean OP is obliged to allow the child to upset her own children and destroy their belongings in their own home.

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It’s all so dramatic. Children lose & break toys every day of the week themselves without assistance from anyone. Lego is hoovered up etc. There is upset & they move on.

A favourite toy & a book from grandma should have been put away. A jigsaw can be replaced.

You’d swear the child was tearing the other kids’ eyes out, and Op let it happen.

The way you phrase things sound very othering to me “her inability to cope”, “her desire for normality”.

InterIgnis · 07/08/2025 20:44

SleeplessInWherever · 07/08/2025 20:26

I can nigh on guarantee you that that woman doesn’t have the energy to ride roughshod over anyone, which is probably why OP is so keen to support her, and how they’ve arrived here.

Parenting a SENd child can at points be nothing short of a crisis. And PP are right - it’s incredibly isolating.

We’ve had to organise my partner’s birthday this year, without our son. He’s going into respite so we can have family round, otherwise he just wouldn’t tolerate us even celebrating it at all.

There are no family Sunday lunches, no play dates, no days out with other families, and quite often a trip to the park to encounter other humans involves leaving shortly after. It’s a very, very difficult life sometimes.

There are things OP’s friend could do, and the last time our son broke something (grandparents £500 TV), we replaced it. But she’s probably just trying to inject some normality into her life and really that needs to be considered too.

Like I’ve said earlier, we don’t condone destruction from our kid, and we absolutely act on it. But we can’t keep him under lock and key because he’s got needs.

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Her desire for normality should not come at the expense of OP and her children. No one is saying the friend’s life isn’t hard or even utterly shit. It sounds very much like it is. However, this does not mean OP is obliged to allow the child to upset her own children and destroy their belongings in their own home.

SleeplessInWherever · 07/08/2025 20:42

InterIgnis · 07/08/2025 20:37

Uh, yes? She has been handed harder cards in life than her friends, and what else is she supposed to do than accept it? She can’t change it, and she can’t expect everyone around her to accept having their things destroyed.

She isn’t being a good friend by allowing her child to wander around her friends houses, leaving a trail of destruction in her wake. She isn’t being a good friend by shrugging this off because ‘they’re just things’ and expecting this to be tolerated. She’s taking the piss.

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I would just point out that I didn’t “allow” my son to throw a juice bottle at his grandparents TV.

I didn’t confiscate it, because children are allowed liquids, and I don’t control his arms. I also can’t read the future and know he’s about to do that.

The woman just wants some company and a cup of tea. OP was trying to help that happen.

seasid · 07/08/2025 20:38

I have an autistic son who causes havoc and the only way to avoid it is that we have to have visitors in our own home. It’s isolating but it’s the only way that both my child will feel less inclined to be a bother and that the friend/family member will be at ease and not have their property destroyed. Can you not suggest popping round to them?

the7Vabo · 07/08/2025 20:37

SleeplessInWherever · 07/08/2025 20:26

I can nigh on guarantee you that that woman doesn’t have the energy to ride roughshod over anyone, which is probably why OP is so keen to support her, and how they’ve arrived here.

Parenting a SENd child can at points be nothing short of a crisis. And PP are right - it’s incredibly isolating.

We’ve had to organise my partner’s birthday this year, without our son. He’s going into respite so we can have family round, otherwise he just wouldn’t tolerate us even celebrating it at all.

There are no family Sunday lunches, no play dates, no days out with other families, and quite often a trip to the park to encounter other humans involves leaving shortly after. It’s a very, very difficult life sometimes.

There are things OP’s friend could do, and the last time our son broke something (grandparents £500 TV), we replaced it. But she’s probably just trying to inject some normality into her life and really that needs to be considered too.

Like I’ve said earlier, we don’t condone destruction from our kid, and we absolutely act on it. But we can’t keep him under lock and key because he’s got needs.

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Im sorry, that sounds very difficult.

I do not understand why this is so hard for people to understand. The OP is the woman’s last friend standing. The friend has committed the “crime” of wanting to do something normal like go to a friend’s house for tea & a chat.

Friend has been accused of “being unable to cope”, of course she is! It’s not a personal failing! She’s bloody human! She just wants a bit of company & a cuppa that most of us take for granted!

The friend likely just wants to be able to do what everyone else is able to do!

The child broke things and people are acting as if the Op did something awful to her own kids which might be appropriate if physical harm had taken place.

InterIgnis · 07/08/2025 20:37

the7Vabo · 07/08/2025 20:28

So what? SEN mum should just understand. She should just understand that she was handed harder cards in life than her friends. But none of them will have her over any more, in case her SEN child breaks something. Even though according to the first post SEN mum does her best & she is nice person who is a good friend So she can just endure her hard & lonely life.

What a bloody awful existence.

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Uh, yes? She has been handed harder cards in life than her friends, and what else is she supposed to do than accept it? She can’t change it, and she can’t expect everyone around her to accept having their things destroyed.

She isn’t being a good friend by allowing her child to wander around her friends houses, leaving a trail of destruction in her wake. She isn’t being a good friend by shrugging this off because ‘they’re just things’ and expecting this to be tolerated. She’s taking the piss.

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 07/08/2025 20:33

I think you have to write and say what you’ve written here. You feel so bad for her and are so grateful for her friendship but your own kids are having their property destroyed and you can’t afford to replace things. Tbh this child could harm herself by her behaviour if mum isn’t watching her.. it can’t be easy for her at all. Does she have any support? Does she get any respite at all? I do think you wrote very compassionately but your kids matter too even if they aren’t SEN.

SleeplessInWherever · 07/08/2025 20:31

UninterestedBeing12 · 07/08/2025 20:28

Riding rough shod over everybody doesn't take any energy.

She just takes her child to somebody's house and sits back, and allows her to break everything and rip things up. Zero energy required.

You can ride roughshod over somebody or something passively, you know.

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Did you read this bit?

“The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.”

She isn’t sat there letting it happen, and her friend would like her to get a break because she needs one.

IMO they should leave when the child becomes destructive, I said that earlier. That is what we have to do.

But giving her a hard time and implying she’s a lazy parent who allows it to happen, isn’t helpful.