To be struggling with friends SEN child??

I know you're probably just bored and posting for a reaction but, in case you're for real, have you ever spent any time with a profoundly disabled child? I don't know this little girl but, reading between the lines, it sounds like she has the cognitive understanding and abilities of a young toddler. She can move around quickly but with little awareness of what she is doing and little understanding of instructions. If she chews a book up it's because she enjoys the sensation of the paper in her mouth and the book was there. It's not because she wants to upset her mum's friend's child by destroying their special book in direct defiance of her mum's request. If she gets told off she can't link the harsh tone of voice to the action of chewing up the book because she doesn't know it was wrong to do that and she can't learn that it was wrong. She can't learn manners or rules and she can't link them to consequences. OP said she is a happy little girl - she is not acting out. She is just responsing to her environment in the only way her brain can allow her to. Of course adults around her need to do everything possible to prevent her destroying things which is why not one person has said to sit back and let the situation continue as it is with no changes. But blaming the child for being disabled or the mum for doing nothing about her daughter's actions when previous posts make it clear she is trying are ridiculously unfair.

You’re not making sense. 🙄
a mum needs to teach her kids basic manners, rules and have consequence’s. If the kid can’t follow the rules then there needs to be a consequence. Kids need that.

You must be one of these mums 🤡who lets there kids run around in cafes or scooter into peoples legs but then don’t correct your child . I will correct any child whose beheavior effects me or my kids if there mum won’t . 👍

You’re not making sense. 🙄
a mum needs to teach her kids basic manners, rules and have consequence’s. If the kid can’t follow the rules then there needs to be a consequence. Kids need that.

You must be one of these mums 🤡who lets there kids run around in cafes or scooter into peoples legs but then don’t correct your child . I will correct any child whose beheavior effects me or my kids if there mum won’t . 👍

You’re not making sense. 🙄
a mum needs to teach her kids basic manners, rules and have consequence’s. If the kid can’t follow the rules then there needs to be a consequence. Kids need that.

You must be one of these mums 🤡who lets there kids run around in cafes or scooter into peoples legs but then don’t correct your child . I will correct any child whose beheavior effects me or my kids if there mum won’t . 👍

You’re not making sense. 🙄
a mum needs to teach her kids basic manners, rules and have consequence’s. If the kid can’t follow the rules then there needs to be a consequence. Kids need that.

You must be one of these mums 🤡who lets there kids run around in cafes or scooter into peoples legs but then don’t correct your child . I will correct any child whose beheavior effects me or my kids if there mum won’t . 👍

You’re not making sense. 🙄
a mum needs to teach her kids basic manners, rules and have consequence’s. If the kid can’t follow the rules then there needs to be a consequence. Kids need that.

You must be one of these mums 🤡who lets there kids run around in cafes or scooter into peoples legs but then don’t correct your child . I will correct any child whose beheavior effects me or my kids if there mum won’t . 👍

Let’s hope you don’t have an autistic or SEN grandchild down the line cuz you clearly don’t possess the empathy for it

Give it a rest, why should she hide and do all that stuff because a soft mum lets her naughty child wreck the house? The mum needs to teach her own child to behave as a guest should. If that child can’t behave then he stays home. Simple. He needs to learn a lesson. If he carry’s on like that when he’s a man he will be in real trouble. 🙄

Give it a rest, why should she hide and do all that stuff because a soft mum lets her naughty child wreck the house? The mum needs to teach her own child to behave as a guest should. If that child can’t behave then he stays home. Simple. He needs to learn a lesson. If he carry’s on like that when he’s a man he will be in real trouble. 🙄

Give it a rest, why should she hide and do all that stuff because a soft mum lets her naughty child wreck the house? The mum needs to teach her own child to behave as a guest should. If that child can’t behave then he stays home. Simple. He needs to learn a lesson. If he carry’s on like that when he’s a man he will be in real trouble. 🙄

Mum of a SEN child here. Yes I’m a bit oblivious now to destruction and mess at home but I’m very conscious of it at others homes.

Can you have one room that’s made clear of anything valuable for the child to play in? Outside that room an adult has to be with her. It’s a pain I know but better than having your things broken.

Give it a rest, why should she hide and do all that stuff because a soft mum lets her naughty child wreck the house? The mum needs to teach her own child to behave as a guest should. If that child can’t behave then he stays home. Simple. He needs to learn a lesson. If he carry’s on like that when he’s a man he will be in real trouble. 🙄

Has this brilliant friend offered to replace the book and toy?

I would have a half way house solution here as both your friend, her child and your children are in a vulnerable position and all need care and protection. Your children are in their home and safe space and deserve to have it and their belongings protected. But I can't even imagine how difficult your friend's life is. Her child is going to take up 100% of her time, attention and energy - possibly forever - and she must be feeling so isolated, friendless and hopeless. You say she's a close, valued friend who has been there for her so I could not add to the desertion and stop seeing her. As you live far from each other, houses and possibly even overnight stays are perhaps essential to maintaining the friendship?

I'm assuming that, due to distance, her visits to you aren't regular? If that's the case, I would prepare your children carefully. They have a good relationship with your friend and understand that her daughter is disabled. So you could 'prep' the house almost like a game - 'mission [child's name] proofing'.

• Away go all their toys and books into cupboards, preferably in their rooms.
• Their rooms are out of bounds and possibly even locked if possible.
• Preferably stair gate to stop her going upstairs at all (appreciate this will only work for another couple of years until she's tall enough to climb over).
• Get a load of free or very cheap toys from facebook/charity shops/freecycle that live in a shed/attic and do not belong to your children. They are 'spare' toys that nobody cares about. Those come out downstairs when your friend comes over and she can believe they are your child's things but you can be relaxed about them. It doesn't matter if they get broken (though get tough, unbreakable things if poss then you don't need to source new 'fake' toys next time!)
• As they grow out of their own toys and don't want them anymore you could add them to the collection of 'safe' toys.
• Those toys are there to entertain her child while she spends time with you and your friend can watch her child in the same room as you. There is no obligation on your children to stay and play for long with her child unless they want to as they can't really have a relationship with her and can't be forced to just because her mum is your friend. They are free to go upstairs and play in their rooms while she is here. Though it would be nice if they felt they could try and play with her at least for some of a visit, they know it's their choice and they have a get out.
• Also put away things that are important to you - ornaments, books etc.

this in buckets. I’m fed up of many younger mums these days who ignore poor behaviour in there kids. I see it everywhere and even my own kids hate it.

At the end of the day your friend needs to realise that her child causes problems.

And unless she's willing to address it, then yes, people will distance themselves from her.

I am Not from a rich or posh background but when I was a kid no kid behaved liked that. If you visited someone’s house you sat on the sofa or played in the garden. You ate what you was given, you did t hassle adults. You didn’t go to bedroom to play unless you was told you can. you didnt go around trashing any items either. If you so much dared to disturb the peace you got a good hiding from any adult present.

So many mums don’t bother parenting these days. I see it on buses, cafes, parks. They also get angry if you tell there naughty kid off. 🙄

I am Not from a rich or posh background but when I was a kid no kid behaved liked that. If you visited someone’s house you sat on the sofa or played in the garden. You ate what you was given, you did t hassle adults. You didn’t go to bedroom to play unless you was told you can. you didnt go around trashing any items either. If you so much dared to disturb the peace you got a good hiding from any adult present.

So many mums don’t bother parenting these days. I see it on buses, cafes, parks. They also get angry if you tell there naughty kid off. 🙄

My friend's child was like this. He has a raft of diagnoses & would wreck everything, including going into bedrooms to pull them apart. She did her best, but he was incredibly difficult.

If they came over we'd have to put everything of worth to us away, which was a pain.

I just started meeting her at parks or going to her house. I think she knew, but it worked.

Today’s society is increasingly me & mine ahead of others. When I was in primary school in the 1990s there was huge focus on kindness & empathy for those less fortunate. On loving your neighbour as yourself.

A person slightly further up this thread shared their story of living with a child with additional needs & I can’t see one person who took the time to say “that sounds difficult”, or “I’m sorry”

It just but the children’s toys on repeat. The OP has been scolded on the thread for not “prioritising” her own children. When both she & they left a toy & a book out of sentimental value.

In 10 years time the OP’s children will likely have gotten rid of every single toy they have now. They will have grown up and moved on as they should. And the friend will still be dealing with the needs of her SEN child. And all her old friends who stoped inviting her wound will have moved on too. They will sit in coffee shops & exchange tales of had kids uni experiences etc. And she will left lonely & isolated.

I would t be putting up with that, Meet them at her house /park /cafe. Or have better Boundary’s if you let this child visit your home again! Lots of mums these days don’t want kids in there houses cause so many kids is so poorly behaved like the one you mention. parenting has gone down the pan…

dont let anyone trash your house!

I'd stop having her over. I'd meet only in a neutral place. Such as a park.

I'd ask her to replace the toy as you can't afford to. Maybe it's any material to her, but not to your child.

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL.

My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up.

My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?