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Original poster

To be struggling with friends SEN child??

411 replies

KimbleThimble · 07/08/2025 00:57

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL.

My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up.

My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?

OP posts:
VeryAwkwardForMe · 08/08/2025 19:32

SleeplessInWherever · 08/08/2025 19:26

Well, quite.

I do think it’s a shame that disabled children can’t be part of the non-disabled tribe without threads like this popping up. We’d like him to be able to integrate more with wider society, not just our SENd bubble.

I don’t think OP’s friend is actually managing the destruction her child is bringing particularly well, she sounds like she’s really struggling. You also can’t just expect everyone to get on board with the way your child behaves, but some of the comments on this thread have been horrendous.

Show quote history

Me too, I wish my children didn't struggle like they didn't and I didn't have to manage to much all the time. I have friends with older neurological children who have seemed to breezeed through life and it does make me sad...... but it is what it is...... we have all only been diagnosed within the last year and for us personally it's just been so much easier and nicer to find our own people rather than keep trying to fit into a world not yet built for us.

I've spent over 20 years trying to be around wider society and really struggling..... I don't want that for my kids. I just want them to be around people who accept them for who they are

I hope none of my messages have come across as horrendous..... I understand both sides as I have been the parent of a child who can't cope with others and I'm also the parent who can't cope with others coming round to ours

SleeplessInWherever · 08/08/2025 19:26

VeryAwkwardForMe · 08/08/2025 19:20

That's why I said most and not all,

My children have struggled with friendships/socilalising for years it is only since becoming friends with other SEN parents that they have had more of a social life and their behaviour has been accepted more, because we now spend time with people like us. But I've still come across SEN parents where they are too rigid in their own views and ways to be around other children sen or not.

People have to find their tribe

Show quote history

Well, quite.

I do think it’s a shame that disabled children can’t be part of the non-disabled tribe without threads like this popping up. We’d like him to be able to integrate more with wider society, not just our SENd bubble.

I don’t think OP’s friend is actually managing the destruction her child is bringing particularly well, she sounds like she’s really struggling. You also can’t just expect everyone to get on board with the way your child behaves, but some of the comments on this thread have been horrendous.

VeryAwkwardForMe · 08/08/2025 19:24

the7Vabo · 08/08/2025 15:37

Very important point. That sounds very difficult.

To this posters point how are children who would benefit from socialisation supposed to learn social skills if other people insist on only meeting them in parks or their own environment etc?

And what if the OP’s children decide they don’t want to meet this child anymore? From the tone of this thread I think a lot of people would say OP’s children need their boundaries respected.

And does that leave us? Disabled children’s worlds get smaller and smaller, and the disabled become less a part of society in the name of boundaries.

Show quote history

Honestly? Their parents need to find them their own group of friends who have similar brain processing to them. They do so much better with children who think and feel like them because they understand each other, it comes with pro's and cons because they can rub each other the wrong way too .... but sen friendships are easier to navigate.. I have found in Mt personal experience

Mine are 8 and 10 and it's only since being diagnosed and spending time with other sen kids that their friendship groups have wide-eyed. They don't have any neurological friends and their both much happier these days.

There's lots of meet ups and things for SEN children, you just have to look for it. My children's world has got bigger and more exciting since being diagnosed and joining sen groups.

VeryAwkwardForMe · 08/08/2025 19:20

SleeplessInWherever · 08/08/2025 12:47

Thats not true in our case.

We’re largely isolated by the the nature of our child’s needs.

He has extreme social anxiety and can’t cope with spending any extended time with anyone who isn’t his very immediate family, and one set of grandparents. He won’t even go near aunties, uncles or cousins. Not without meltdown and asking to leave. We can’t host those people at ours, because he kicks them out. Or tears the house apart.

When he is around others, including other children, he becomes very disregulated and then destructive. He can also be destructive in play, and cannot share toys or equipment.

We try and socialise him, but inevitably have to leave because he’s either in crisis or damaging the belongings of others. Removing him from the situation slowly teaches him not to destroy things (very slowly) but also means we’re in the same position as OP’s friend.

We do try and teach him sharing skills, and to not break other people’s stuff, but doing that involves exposing him to others, and them at least witnessing the behaviour. We can’t teach him not to do something if he never gets the opportunity to do/not do it.

Show quote history

That's why I said most and not all,

My children have struggled with friendships/socilalising for years it is only since becoming friends with other SEN parents that they have had more of a social life and their behaviour has been accepted more, because we now spend time with people like us. But I've still come across SEN parents where they are too rigid in their own views and ways to be around other children sen or not.

People have to find their tribe

Rosscameasdoody · 08/08/2025 19:10

the7Vabo · 08/08/2025 19:04

“Entitlement” to “tools”, “boundaries” it’s all just spin and language to get society out of having to deal with the disabled.

My son finds the autistic girl in his class too loud. But I managed not to tell him he is entitled not to have his peace disturbed, and that he doesn’t need to be a tool for her developing social skills.

Instead I tried to explain to him why she is loud. And as he grows older I will consistently try to teach him the values of kindness & inclusion. Because my son isn’t entitled to a world free of the disabled.

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No, he’s not. But that doesn’t mean he has to take on the responsibility of disabled people who are being let down by the people who are responsible for them. And I say that as a disabled person myself. This poor child is having her horizons limited by a parent who thinks the rest of the world is responsible for the fact that she has a disabled child - to the point where she thinks other people should shoulder the responsibility for the damage they cause. Totally unreasonable.

purpleme12 · 08/08/2025 19:09

Ooof this is really bad

@KimbleThimble did she not say anything when these things happened? Especially when the children's things got broken?

I mean what was your friend's reaction to this?

the7Vabo · 08/08/2025 19:04

InterIgnis · 08/08/2025 17:18

They may benefit from those social skills, but that doesn’t translate into an entitlement to have them provided.

OP has already said their respective children aren’t friends, and don’t have a relationship. Of course they should have those boundaries respected - they’re people with their own autonomy, not tools to be used regardless of their own feelings.

Show quote history

“Entitlement” to “tools”, “boundaries” it’s all just spin and language to get society out of having to deal with the disabled.

My son finds the autistic girl in his class too loud. But I managed not to tell him he is entitled not to have his peace disturbed, and that he doesn’t need to be a tool for her developing social skills.

Instead I tried to explain to him why she is loud. And as he grows older I will consistently try to teach him the values of kindness & inclusion. Because my son isn’t entitled to a world free of the disabled.

PassTheLemonDrizzle · 08/08/2025 18:48

I just wanted to share my own experience to add some perspective - my SEN daughter will destroy toys and material items if I’m not closely supervising. It isn’t done out of spite or because she is ‘badly behaved’. She’s non-verbal and doesn’t understand that things can be broken or that items belong to other people.

If we’re ever invited over to someone’s house where they don’t have the same lived experience then I make sure that I follow her closely and intervene if she tries to play with something unsuitable or does anything dangerous. TBH it’s pretty stressful so I do try to avoid those situations if I can. I tend to mostly socialise with other SEN parents (met through groups) because we all understand the challenges and it makes things a lot easier.

I think you have had some good suggestions in this thread so it’s completely up to you to decide whether or not you can make adjustments or stop having her over. It’s your house so you have the final say.

My personal opinion is that you need to have an open and honest conversation with her otherwise resentment is going to continue to build and will ultimately damage the friendship. Focus on discussing constructive solutions so you can help make meetings less stressful for everyone. You clearly both value each other so hopefully you can meet somewhere in the middle.

Wishing you all the best.

InterIgnis · 08/08/2025 17:18

the7Vabo · 08/08/2025 15:37

Very important point. That sounds very difficult.

To this posters point how are children who would benefit from socialisation supposed to learn social skills if other people insist on only meeting them in parks or their own environment etc?

And what if the OP’s children decide they don’t want to meet this child anymore? From the tone of this thread I think a lot of people would say OP’s children need their boundaries respected.

And does that leave us? Disabled children’s worlds get smaller and smaller, and the disabled become less a part of society in the name of boundaries.

Show quote history

They may benefit from those social skills, but that doesn’t translate into an entitlement to have them provided.

OP has already said their respective children aren’t friends, and don’t have a relationship. Of course they should have those boundaries respected - they’re people with their own autonomy, not tools to be used regardless of their own feelings.

the7Vabo · 08/08/2025 15:37

SleeplessInWherever · 08/08/2025 12:47

Thats not true in our case.

We’re largely isolated by the the nature of our child’s needs.

He has extreme social anxiety and can’t cope with spending any extended time with anyone who isn’t his very immediate family, and one set of grandparents. He won’t even go near aunties, uncles or cousins. Not without meltdown and asking to leave. We can’t host those people at ours, because he kicks them out. Or tears the house apart.

When he is around others, including other children, he becomes very disregulated and then destructive. He can also be destructive in play, and cannot share toys or equipment.

We try and socialise him, but inevitably have to leave because he’s either in crisis or damaging the belongings of others. Removing him from the situation slowly teaches him not to destroy things (very slowly) but also means we’re in the same position as OP’s friend.

We do try and teach him sharing skills, and to not break other people’s stuff, but doing that involves exposing him to others, and them at least witnessing the behaviour. We can’t teach him not to do something if he never gets the opportunity to do/not do it.

Show quote history

Very important point. That sounds very difficult.

To this posters point how are children who would benefit from socialisation supposed to learn social skills if other people insist on only meeting them in parks or their own environment etc?

And what if the OP’s children decide they don’t want to meet this child anymore? From the tone of this thread I think a lot of people would say OP’s children need their boundaries respected.

And does that leave us? Disabled children’s worlds get smaller and smaller, and the disabled become less a part of society in the name of boundaries.

SleeplessInWherever · 08/08/2025 12:47

VeryAwkwardForMe · 08/08/2025 12:23

I've found, most of the SEN parents who are isolated are the ones who won't acknowledge the affect their lack of parenting affects other people.

Both my children are autistic/adhd. We get invited lots of places by lots of different friends. I have a friend whose child is also autistic and they rarely get invited anywhere because the mum does absolutely nothing but blame other people for the child's behaviour/reactions and get angry at other children for being upset ect

No one wants to be around someone if being around them just brings stress and upset

Show quote history

Thats not true in our case.

We’re largely isolated by the the nature of our child’s needs.

He has extreme social anxiety and can’t cope with spending any extended time with anyone who isn’t his very immediate family, and one set of grandparents. He won’t even go near aunties, uncles or cousins. Not without meltdown and asking to leave. We can’t host those people at ours, because he kicks them out. Or tears the house apart.

When he is around others, including other children, he becomes very disregulated and then destructive. He can also be destructive in play, and cannot share toys or equipment.

We try and socialise him, but inevitably have to leave because he’s either in crisis or damaging the belongings of others. Removing him from the situation slowly teaches him not to destroy things (very slowly) but also means we’re in the same position as OP’s friend.

We do try and teach him sharing skills, and to not break other people’s stuff, but doing that involves exposing him to others, and them at least witnessing the behaviour. We can’t teach him not to do something if he never gets the opportunity to do/not do it.

VeryAwkwardForMe · 08/08/2025 12:23

Robotindisguise · 07/08/2025 08:10

Oh Christ @KimbleThimble don’t listen to the pile-on. You are a wonderful friend and the “your DC have to come first” crew is why SEN parents end up utterly isolated. Thank you for trying to make it work, it’s more than most people would do (as you can see),

However. Your friend is bloody cheeky making the judgement that other people’s material things don’t matter. I can see how she got there - I’m sure there are plenty of things she adored which have long since gone to landfill but that is not her call to make.

I think the best way forward would be for you to visit her next time, with or without your DC. It could be the kid is calmer in her own environment? It’s possible soft play is an overstimulating no-no.

I think you do need to have the conversation about the material things. Could you offer to go halves on the expensive toy? Hopefully she would counter by paying all of it but it’s possible she can’t afford it either - I’m assuming being a carer affects her ability to work?

Your DC will be fine - which isn’t to say their stuff doesn’t matter, of course it does. You are a good mum. You are dealing with something difficult and that’s a lesson they are learning as well. I wonder if you might get more nuanced answers if you move this to the SEN boards.

I've found, most of the SEN parents who are isolated are the ones who won't acknowledge the affect their lack of parenting affects other people.

Both my children are autistic/adhd. We get invited lots of places by lots of different friends. I have a friend whose child is also autistic and they rarely get invited anywhere because the mum does absolutely nothing but blame other people for the child's behaviour/reactions and get angry at other children for being upset ect

No one wants to be around someone if being around them just brings stress and upset

the7Vabo · 08/08/2025 12:11

SleeplessInWherever · 08/08/2025 11:15

I think, genuinely, the “just material objects” attitude comes from having to manage difficult situations all day long.

When you’ve spent your day literally cleaning excrement off the walls, you have to develop a sort of “ah well, worse things happen at sea!” attitude to it, or you’d be forever stressed by the destruction.

We bought a new iPad in January - it’s broken. We’ll probably make it to 3 by the end of the year. Material objects lose value when your child so consistently can’t respect them.

That doesn’t mean we should be imposing that on others, but I can see why she feels the way he does. When everything is so difficult, things have to start to not matter or you’d be miserable. It’s a coping strategy.

Show quote history

I don’t think it would be acceptable for me to dismiss my child breaking something, but to me it also sounded like SEN mum is a big broken from the stress of it all.

She necessarily being rude or dismissive she’s just broken from it all.

OP has good things to say about her otherwise.

SleeplessInWherever · 08/08/2025 11:15

hmmimnotsurewhy · 08/08/2025 10:13

What probably got everyone’s backs up including mine, is the mother’s audacity to say it’s just material things. Who is she to say that. And she didn’t even offer to replace the toys. Not to mention she didn’t even apologise.
why feel sorry for her, when she clearly only thinks about herself.
how can anyone sit there, watch their child trash a place or some other child toy and not do anything to make it right.

Show quote history

I think, genuinely, the “just material objects” attitude comes from having to manage difficult situations all day long.

When you’ve spent your day literally cleaning excrement off the walls, you have to develop a sort of “ah well, worse things happen at sea!” attitude to it, or you’d be forever stressed by the destruction.

We bought a new iPad in January - it’s broken. We’ll probably make it to 3 by the end of the year. Material objects lose value when your child so consistently can’t respect them.

That doesn’t mean we should be imposing that on others, but I can see why she feels the way he does. When everything is so difficult, things have to start to not matter or you’d be miserable. It’s a coping strategy.

bigyawn · 08/08/2025 10:36

the7Vabo · 08/08/2025 10:06

I’m not sure about the last paragraph but in general I agree with you. The words used to described the mother on this thread & so othering.

For example, it’s not others issue that she’s “unable to cope”. I wouldn’t be able to cope! Hanging out with friends is an opportunity to take a break from the daily demands & I don’t have a SEN child!

I think the harsh reality is a lot of people see both disabled kids & their parents are “not like us”. And people increasingly focus on their own needs and wants ahead of others.

Hence the OP being bashed for not putting her childen first as if it has to be a contest between being a good mother & being a good friend.

Show quote history

As one of those 'othered mothers' with a SEN child, I can accept that my child isn't like yours and I don't expect anyone to put up with a negative impact of their behaviour when it is causing hurt and upset to others. I don't expect people to pretend my child is like theirs or turn a blind eye to issues because they have SEN.

What I would appreciate is someone who can acknowledge the issues, be honest about any problems, and then make suggestions or work with me to find a way forward where we are both equally happy with the situation. That's a true a friend.

My needs don't trump yours in your home because my child has SEN. They might in my home, but not in yours.

hmmimnotsurewhy · 08/08/2025 10:13

Elephantonabroom · 08/08/2025 08:15

wow, what a thread. OP made it clear how friend is struggling with DC's disability, the girl seems quite severely affected, how isolated the mum is as and here we are, 14 pages of posters kicking down the mum for being lazy, lacking understanding, the child called destructive, naughty etc.

I agree the OP shouldn't put up with it but there are ways to deal with it but the sheer barrage of posts vilifying the very isolated lone parent of a severely disabled child are somewhat disturbing.

Mumsnet really loves a thread where posters can bash a disabled child the the struggling parent.

What probably got everyone’s backs up including mine, is the mother’s audacity to say it’s just material things. Who is she to say that. And she didn’t even offer to replace the toys. Not to mention she didn’t even apologise.
why feel sorry for her, when she clearly only thinks about herself.
how can anyone sit there, watch their child trash a place or some other child toy and not do anything to make it right.

the7Vabo · 08/08/2025 10:06

Elephantonabroom · 08/08/2025 08:15

wow, what a thread. OP made it clear how friend is struggling with DC's disability, the girl seems quite severely affected, how isolated the mum is as and here we are, 14 pages of posters kicking down the mum for being lazy, lacking understanding, the child called destructive, naughty etc.

I agree the OP shouldn't put up with it but there are ways to deal with it but the sheer barrage of posts vilifying the very isolated lone parent of a severely disabled child are somewhat disturbing.

Mumsnet really loves a thread where posters can bash a disabled child the the struggling parent.

I’m not sure about the last paragraph but in general I agree with you. The words used to described the mother on this thread & so othering.

For example, it’s not others issue that she’s “unable to cope”. I wouldn’t be able to cope! Hanging out with friends is an opportunity to take a break from the daily demands & I don’t have a SEN child!

I think the harsh reality is a lot of people see both disabled kids & their parents are “not like us”. And people increasingly focus on their own needs and wants ahead of others.

Hence the OP being bashed for not putting her childen first as if it has to be a contest between being a good mother & being a good friend.

the7Vabo · 08/08/2025 10:00

MascaraGirl · 08/08/2025 07:55

I think you’re missing the point. No matter what causes the child to be destructive, the OP and her children should not be subjected to it.

Show quote history

I’m not missing the point. I just don’t agree with the cause not mattering.

MascaraGirl · 08/08/2025 09:29

Ime the toys was the least of if, and as I said upthread the child was trying to heft the television off its stand and a heavy mirror off the wall.
It is really awkward if the parent - and I can only begin to appreciate how difficult their life is - stands by and you have to be the bad guy when the child can’t help their behaviour.

@MaturingCheeseball that's just horrendous - but I don't think I would have any trouble being the bad guy if someone was trying to smash mirrors and TVs in my house!!!

TizerorFizz · 08/08/2025 09:25

@MaturingCheeseball In the extreme, it’s not suitable to have the Sen child in the house. However the mum needs to be more vigilant I’m afraid.

MaturingCheeseball · 08/08/2025 08:59

Ime the toys was the least of if, and as I said upthread the child was trying to heft the television off its stand and a heavy mirror off the wall.

It is really awkward if the parent - and I can only begin to appreciate how difficult their life is - stands by and you have to be the bad guy when the child can’t help their behaviour.

Passive aggressive locking everything up and sitting in… where? The garage? is not practicable so it’s probably just best to keep suggesting neutral ground. If the guest drops in unexpectedly then it’s going to have to be everyone corralled in one room.

TheOriginalEmu · 08/08/2025 08:54

bigyawn · 07/08/2025 04:10

Teaching them that personal boundaries are okay is also important.

Show quote history

Of course it is, and that’s why I said look at ways to protect their stuff.

TizerorFizz · 08/08/2025 08:26

Disabled dc don’t all destroy the toys of others though. Thats not something the op and her family should have to put up with and the parents of dc with disabilities I know would be upset too.

Of course parents have to accept some dc cannot do all that others can. The mum of the autistic child isn’t following her child around and maybe she should?

We had a family member who wasn’t autistic but broke things. We had playing cards and a few would be pushed under the skirting boards. He tampered with a neighbours bike and threw stones at a dog and scribbled in books. To name just a few things. Dm wanted to see her family but it was manning the barricades when they arrived and everything we valued was put away but obviously you cannot put all toys away. We dreaded the visits.

I do therefore understand the problem. No one spoke to our relatives about this and the dc in question ended up in a YO prison by age 17. We never had toys in our bedrooms though and we shoved our valued belongings under the bed! I think if you cannot say no to visits, you have to prepare but unfortunately your friend does need to be more vigilant and you only allow playing in one room. The room you are in. No wandering around. Also maybe get toys in from a charity? Clear yours into boxes in the loft?

Elephantonabroom · 08/08/2025 08:15

wow, what a thread. OP made it clear how friend is struggling with DC's disability, the girl seems quite severely affected, how isolated the mum is as and here we are, 14 pages of posters kicking down the mum for being lazy, lacking understanding, the child called destructive, naughty etc.

I agree the OP shouldn't put up with it but there are ways to deal with it but the sheer barrage of posts vilifying the very isolated lone parent of a severely disabled child are somewhat disturbing.

Mumsnet really loves a thread where posters can bash a disabled child the the struggling parent.

MascaraGirl · 08/08/2025 07:55

the7Vabo · 08/08/2025 07:04

This is what parents are disabled children are up against.

Show quote history

I think you’re missing the point. No matter what causes the child to be destructive, the OP and her children should not be subjected to it.