To be struggling with friends SEN child??

So disabled should just mix with disabled - is that what you’re saying ? Because it certainly seems like it. Are you usually this ableist or is it just on anonymous social media ?

Disabled is such an umbrella term too.

My son is disabled but he doesn't have a learning disability so is otherwise like any other 9 year old boy when it comes to understanding, social skills etc so he'd have very little in common with OP's child but at the same time he is physically disabled and most boys his age are playing football, running around etc which he isn't capable of. You also don't get many children his age who are in a wheelchair but don't have a learning disability.

He doesn't really fit in anywhere and he finds it incredibly difficult.

So disabled should just mix with disabled - is that what you’re saying ? Because it certainly seems like it. Are you usually this ableist or is it just on anonymous social media ?

I can guarantee that no matter how much you think you are "struggling" with it, it doesn't even begin to compare to how much of an endless, horrific struggle the life of a parent of a child with severe autism is. Particularly a single parent.

It's just stuff. I cannot fathom how you and others on here can't see that. Your friend is already isolated - you've said so - and you're going to hurt her and isolate her even further?

If you have a child with severe SEN, particularly in this time in the UK where there's desperately little support, is one of the shittiest hands you can possibly be dealt. It's a life sentence. Have some compassion for god's sake, all of you.

I actually think this is a dangerous message to give children, that we should tolerate things that are upsetting and hurtful to us because of somebody else’s needs. We can be caring and empathetic whilst coming up with a solution that works for everybody involved.

but I’ve worked in the field of the rights for all disabled people to be encouraged and supported to integrate and interact with society and to be accepted regardless of disability and your viewpoint doesn’t align with that

Your intent on implying that I think disabled people should be separated from society...... I literally have nothing left to say to you as your intent on twisting my words to suit your negative narrative.

I'm grateful everything I've said is in black and white because people like you are dangerous in real life

Use this as an opportunity to teach your kids about empathy, xxx can’t help it because of xxx reason. I know it’s very upsetting and we shall think of ways to keep your things safer’ locks on the bedroom doors so she can’t get at precious things would help

I can guarantee that no matter how much you think you are "struggling" with it, it doesn't even begin to compare to how much of an endless, horrific struggle the life of a parent of a child with severe autism is. Particularly a single parent.

It's just stuff. I cannot fathom how you and others on here can't see that. Your friend is already isolated - you've said so - and you're going to hurt her and isolate her even further?

If you have a child with severe SEN, particularly in this time in the UK where there's desperately little support, is one of the shittiest hands you can possibly be dealt. It's a life sentence. Have some compassion for god's sake, all of you.

Thanks everyone. You have really me to see the bigger picture here. I already knew I couldn’t be a supportive friend at the expense of my own children, but wasn’t sure how to handle the situation for the best. There are lots of helpful replies here, which i have taken on board.

To those saying “don’t allow her upstairs”, this would be so hard to enforce. Would my own children be allowed upstairs? If friend’s DD went upstairs, would I just tell friend that her daughter isn’t allowed? We also live in a small house with a small kitchen/living room. And knowing my friend, she would feel hurt by all of this. I think I just need to avoid any scenario which involves her coming here, or at least bringing her DD. And if my friend picks up on this, I will have to be honest and saying it’s causing my children too much distress. I know this won’t go down well, based on what she has said about her other friends, but i can’t see an alternative solution.

I can guarantee that no matter how much you think you are "struggling" with it, it doesn't even begin to compare to how much of an endless, horrific struggle the life of a parent of a child with severe autism is. Particularly a single parent.

It's just stuff. I cannot fathom how you and others on here can't see that. Your friend is already isolated - you've said so - and you're going to hurt her and isolate her even further?

If you have a child with severe SEN, particularly in this time in the UK where there's desperately little support, is one of the shittiest hands you can possibly be dealt. It's a life sentence. Have some compassion for god's sake, all of you.

@VeryAwkwardForMe

They mask and struggle all day at school, potentially college, ect....... there is absolutely nothing wrong or separating to go and find them a group of people like them who understand and accept them for exactly who they are. It doesn't restrict them from society finding them a nice friendship group and they come across wider society in lots of different ways

You are 100% correct.

My older son has just completed his first year at a specialist school for children with ASD. He specifically told us he wanted to be with more children like him. He has been transformed as have other children in his cohort. At least one child had been out of school for 2 years and now at 80% attendance. Truly life changing for these kids to be with people who get them and not having to try to fit in all day.

He has been empowered, not restricted.

I’m really not saying it won’t benefit them to be around people who have the same issues, but to the exclusion of all else will be damaging in the long run. I apologise if I’ve offended you, but I’ve worked in the field of the rights for all disabled people to be encouraged and supported to integrate and interact with society and to be accepted regardless of disability and your viewpoint doesn’t align with that. That’s my bad, and I take responsibility for that.

But your the only person mentioning restricting and separating. I havnt one said that

They mask and struggle all day at school, potentially college, ect....... there is absolutely nothing wrong or separating to go and find them a group of people like them who understand and accept them for exactly who they are. It doesn't restrict them from society finding them a nice friendship group and they come across wider society in lots of different ways

I've disabled for over 20 years and I work with sen children.... I can see from my own experience and my own children how much it benefits them to be around people who are the same

You've took a twist on this that was never said nor meant the way you have decided to take it

Dismissing the above as ‘spin’ is a convenient way to dodge actually having to address the points raised.

They don’t want a child in their own home that destroys their belongings. That the child is disabled does not mean they have to accept this. Forcing it onto them does not magically mean they’ll graciously adopt the lesson you seem to think it will either, in fact it’s more likely to cement resentment and hostility, not just towards the child but towards their mother as well. Her responsibility is to them, not her friend.

Not wanting to deal with their personal space and belongings being trashed is not the same thing as advocating for a world free of dealing with the disabled. Personal space =\ public space.

“Entitlement” to “tools”, “boundaries” it’s all just spin and language to get society out of having to deal with the disabled.

My son finds the autistic girl in his class too loud. But I managed not to tell him he is entitled not to have his peace disturbed, and that he doesn’t need to be a tool for her developing social skills.

Instead I tried to explain to him why she is loud. And as he grows older I will consistently try to teach him the values of kindness & inclusion. Because my son isn’t entitled to a world free of the disabled.

Yes. I’m sorry if you find my words harsh. Been disabled all my life and worked for over twenty years as a disability outreach worker. The worst thing for disabled children - or disabled people in general - is to be restricted in contact only to other disabled people. It’s life limiting and at some point is unrealistic because as they get older contact with the able bodied world and integration into it is inevitable. I’m not twisting anyone’s words and as a disabled person I’m certainly not supporting a victim mentality.

Did I say that or did I say in my personal experience my children have found it easier?

Their parents need to find them their own group of friends who have similar brain processing to them. They do so much better with children who think and feel like them because they understand each other, it comes with pro's and cons because they can rub each other the wrong way too .... but sen friendships are easier to navigate.. I have found in Mt personal experience

Did I say they shouldn't or did i say the children find it easier?

The absolute cheek of you to try and say that I'm saying they should be segregated

Ablist for saying that they find it easier to be around people like them who understand them? Are you being serious

Do you usually twist people's words to suit your own victim mentality or is that just an anonymous online thing?

I think, genuinely, the “just material objects” attitude comes from having to manage difficult situations all day long.

When you’ve spent your day literally cleaning excrement off the walls, you have to develop a sort of “ah well, worse things happen at sea!” attitude to it, or you’d be forever stressed by the destruction.

We bought a new iPad in January - it’s broken. We’ll probably make it to 3 by the end of the year. Material objects lose value when your child so consistently can’t respect them.

That doesn’t mean we should be imposing that on others, but I can see why she feels the way he does. When everything is so difficult, things have to start to not matter or you’d be miserable. It’s a coping strategy.

So disabled should just mix with disabled - is that what you’re saying ? Because it certainly seems like it. Are you usually this ableist or is it just on anonymous social media ?

Honestly? Their parents need to find them their own group of friends who have similar brain processing to them. They do so much better with children who think and feel like them because they understand each other, it comes with pro's and cons because they can rub each other the wrong way too .... but sen friendships are easier to navigate.. I have found in Mt personal experience

Mine are 8 and 10 and it's only since being diagnosed and spending time with other sen kids that their friendship groups have wide-eyed. They don't have any neurological friends and their both much happier these days.

There's lots of meet ups and things for SEN children, you just have to look for it. My children's world has got bigger and more exciting since being diagnosed and joining sen groups.

You are either just being goady or your lack of comprehension and understanding about children with SEN is almost unbelievable. Do you actually believe that children with learning disabilities can just stop being disabled with a bit of discipline and harsh parenting?

“Entitlement” to “tools”, “boundaries” it’s all just spin and language to get society out of having to deal with the disabled.

My son finds the autistic girl in his class too loud. But I managed not to tell him he is entitled not to have his peace disturbed, and that he doesn’t need to be a tool for her developing social skills.

Instead I tried to explain to him why she is loud. And as he grows older I will consistently try to teach him the values of kindness & inclusion. Because my son isn’t entitled to a world free of the disabled.