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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be struggling with friends SEN child??

411 replies

KimbleThimble · 07/08/2025 00:57

I feel bad to write this but I also don’t want to discuss this IRL.

My friend popped over to my house today with her autistic child, and I feel like I have only just managed to sort all the destruction. I really want to spend time with my friend, and I adore her child, but she is so destructive and some of it is not repairable. For example, today she tore apart a book that my DC were gifted by a grandparent, she ripped flowers up in the garden, she broke my child’s favourite toy, that was expensive and I can’t afford to replace. We try so hard to hide away the precious things before a visit, but I can’t literally box their entire rooms up.

My friend is really down because she has had other friends make comments about similar scenarios, but believes that these things are material. She does do her best, but her daughter is 7 and very physically able. My eldest is absolutely distraught about the book and the toy. There are also jigsaw pieces that have been chewed up. The trouble is, if friend just follows her around our house, she doesn’t get any break, and even with eyes on, the destruction takes seconds.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

I don’t know how to manage this situation. AIBU to be feeling this way? Especially when my friend is a single parent and this is her daily reality?

OP posts:
Original poster
KimbleThimble · 07/08/2025 01:34

Thanks for the replies. I have wondered if my friend could be in denial about the level of needs her child has. And that’s why she can’t see this from an alternate perspective.

It’s hard because she is such a brilliant friend and she has been the person to help me through so many challenges, such as losing a loved one. I also don’t have all that many mum friends. I just wish things could be more simple. I know that she will be incredibly hurt if I change the goal posts, but I can’t see that I have any choice.

OP posts:
NeedZzzzzssss · 07/08/2025 01:30

Agree with PP. Your friend can intervene and doesn't have to allow her daughter to be so destructive, SEN or not. And of she can't, then that doesn't have to be on you. It's quite telling she thinks things are just material and that she's not doing anything even though other people have given her feedback

notreallyuponJL · 07/08/2025 01:29

It is exceptionally rare I ever suggest risking a good friendship, as I see good friendships as incredibly special and beautiful things.

However, good friendships require effort and investment on both sides - not necessarily a straight 50/50, but it takes two to tango.

In no world is it acceptable for someone to come round and trash your house and break your children's things. For her to say that it's only "material" things is very, very wrong.

I'm worried that she can't see the problem people have with it.

coxesorangepippin · 07/08/2025 01:29

Park only if she can't control her

Franjipanl8r · 07/08/2025 01:25

Meet in neutral places. Just tell her it isn’t working, she needs to face up to it. People with kids with SEN have to adapt and know the limits of what is manageable, that’s part of being a parent with a SEN child unfortunately (speaking from experience).

Hoardasurass · 07/08/2025 01:10

Stop inviting her over and meet her out of the house if she has to bring her dd.
Your children shouldn't have to put up with their stuff being destroyed and really your friend should be appropriately supervising her child. I'm saying this as the mother of an asd, adhd child

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 07/08/2025 01:10

Meet in central places and stop the overnight visits for now. As much as you are worried about upsetting your friend right now by avoiding upsetting your friend your are upsetting your DC…. So I think you need to put your big girl pants on and intervene to be the voice for your DC… meet in central places like parks for now

DarcyDear · 07/08/2025 01:05

I have a friend with a very complex needs SEN child- GDD and autism. I, myself, have 2 children who are autistic. My friend’s son can be quite destructive and my own children found this very stressful when they visited. So we tried going out instead- however it would always end up quite chaotic. We were once asked to leave a softplay as my friend didn’t intervene when her son was destructive and upsetting other children. She has also, on three occasions, took him to public pools with our group of friends but hasn’t put a swim nappy on him (he is doubly incontinent and relies on nappies normally). So the pool has ended up being evacuated when he has defacated in it and everyone has had to get out. She always says that he is a SEN child and “doesn’t mean it”. And I agree, he doesn’t mean it but that doesn’t mean she needs to allow it to unfold and impact on others. A few of our friends no longer see her as a result but it’s tricky as I’ve known her my whole life.

Original poster
KimbleThimble · 07/08/2025 01:05

Unfortunately, we live quite a distance apart. Today was a passing visit, but my friend has regularly come for overnight stays since before we even had kids. I would need to put a stop to this - I worry about how she would take this.

OP posts:
VeryAwkwardForMe · 07/08/2025 01:03

Nope.

I'm a single mum to two autistic children and several of my friends have autistic children and I very very rarely have play dates at my house because of how the other children behave / how my children get overwhelmed. We don't stay for long when invited to other people's houses either as I like to leave before mine get overwhelmed 🙈😅

It's shit for her but its not your guilt to carry and if you carry this on whilst feeling like this you'll end up feeling resentful.

We meet up in places like parks and places specifically designed for kids. We try to go when it's quieter and I try to leave when I notice signs mine are finding things too much or about to "behave badly"

Start meeting up in play area's ect. Lots of places do autism friendly sessions

UninterestedBeing12 · 07/08/2025 01:01

I'd stop having her over. I'd meet only in a neutral place. Such as a park.

I'd ask her to replace the toy as you can't afford to. Maybe it's any material to her, but not to your child.

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