To be struggling with friends SEN child??

No offence, but who cares what she thinks if you stop overnight visits?

You need to put YOUR kids FIRST. They are distraught by their home/belongings being destroyed.

Cant believe an adult needs to be told something so basic??? Unbelievable really.

Has she been assessed for adhd? My son used to be this though not as bad as the girl you’re describing. He had an assessment for ADHD and put medication; i know a lot of parents don’t agree with medicating but if it helps them then why deny them?

With my son it was dangerous trying to run accross roads and hitting his sister and every child in his class. He would sometimes break toys but usually his own and sometimes was a favourite toy of his My daughter also has autism and ADHD she was on meds mainly to help her focus and her OCD. Does she bring some of her own toys with her? Could you go to visit them instead? Autistic children are usually more relaxed in their own environment.

Mum of three autistic children, here. YANBU Why didn’t she offer to replace the toy? I most certainly would have done.

How much understanding / language does the child have? It sounds as if she has unmet sensory needs if she’s breaking everything. My children have never done this sort of thing, except for the most complex one and even for her it stopped when she reached the age of about 3.

Teaching them that personal boundaries are okay is also important.

Meet her elsewhere. X

My friend's child was like this. He has a raft of diagnoses & would wreck everything, including going into bedrooms to pull them apart. She did her best, but he was incredibly difficult.

If they came over we'd have to put everything of worth to us away, which was a pain.

I just started meeting her at parks or going to her house. I think she knew, but it worked.

Asd children can have behaviours that result in things getting damaged especially if they are not properly supervised. But she needs to pay for the damage caused. You also need to stop visits to your home it’s ok to say I love you both but I can’t afford to replace my things so I will come to you or we will meet in a park/soft play.
if she’s a good friend she won’t want you to be unhappy or be lose our.

Why would op make all that work for herself? And more importantly, her kids don’t want the child there.

Being in the same position, I only met a friend in a public place where if her child trashed the place, it doesn’t affect me. She caught on why I insisted on neutral places and the friendship fizzled out. I wasn’t going to allow my home be damaged and my kids stuff, when she clearly didn’t care about that.

She is also manipulating you by telling you about her other friends reactions. Result achieved because you feel guilty. And it’s only ‘material’ things to HER which is so utterly disrespectful to you and your kids.

why would you put your kids through that ?

This is so sad, it sounds as though your friend is doing her absolute best - of course it's not something you have to tolerate.

It's an impossible situation & part of the reason I have never been on a playdate with my DS, I haven't even left the house this holiday. The poor Tesco delivery driver is essentially my best friend these days.

It's so isolating and can be frankly life ruining for parents of SEN children. Of course your children don't need to put up with destruction - if you plan on not seeing her in person again, could you offer support in a different way? I have a friend who will facetime me every few months, it doesn't sound a lot, but it's a chance to talk at least & has been a lifeline at times.

I don't know about being explicit with your friend - I know I would be mortified if someone pointed out how my son's challenges affected them - something I'm all too aware of anyway.

I don't know about your friend, but soft play is awful for us & i just have to follow my son everywhere he goes he case he bashes into anyone.

Similarly, open spaces like the park are just too challenging as he elopes & would mean I couldn't catch up with friends even if I wanted to. If you want to see her, is her house an option?

This is it in a nutshell

her dds wants and impulses don't trump your dcs right yo feel safe in their home

you have no choice but to stop the visits

be honest

" we'd love to see you both. We can't do a visit here, the kids get really stressed about the toys getting trashed but we'd love a soft play if you're free?"

Another vote here to meet outside at a park or at theirs. My friend has two kids with SEN, one more childlike but the other has ADHD and seems to come round breaking stuff or eating everything. Their mum doesn't say much, I think she has normalised it, and moves in circles where no one minds. However I avoid inviting them home just to keep the peace.

I think you're unreasonable to let the child into your house given what she does to your children's possessions and the way her behaviour makes them feel.

But could you meet up in a park or somewhere without your children (even if she brings hers)? Have her round when the children are elsewhere and their bedroom doors can be locked with all their stuff inside? Or you go and stay with her?

I think you need to tell her that the idea these things are "just material" is disingenuous and damaging her and her DC's relationships. If material things didn't matter to her she'd be fine replacing everything and going without herself. But she doesn't does she? Because she likes material things too. She's probably bruised and run down by the inability to have nice things at home because of her DC, so you need to be empathetic when talking about it, but that attitude is going to mean she and her DC will find it hard to have any social time with others. It's not reasonable to expect people to not care if her DC damages their stuff and she will drive everyone away.

That will only cement resentment towards both their mother’s friend, and their mother for lacking in empathy for them.

It may be shit for OP’s friend, but her priority is her children.

Use this as an opportunity to teach your kids about empathy, xxx can’t help it because of xxx reason. I know it’s very upsetting and we shall think of ways to keep your things safer’ locks on the bedroom doors so she can’t get at precious things would help

Maybe this is off base but is there anything preventive you could do? I know she's not your child, and it's hassel but it dose sound like your friend is in denial as you say about her daughters needs.

Is it possible to put locks on your kids rooms? then theyd feel safe about what they come back too? Or put furniture in front of the doors?
Could you be upfront enough with your friend to let her know it dose matter to you but make a plan for next time and anticipate her daughters needs.
And give her a destructive distraction your okay with? Like find some bubble wrap to pop or get some thing really cheap to break - decoy books from free cycle?
Could you set up a sensory station with stuff she likes ( ie sand/water/bubbles/or dough to squish) and do it with her while you catch up?
Could you do messy play session somewhere set up for it ( they have them in the local church nr here)

You should worry more about your poor children.

Sounds like a nightmare for your kids, your friend should at least be offering to pay for things. It's a bit shut she says they are only material things when she isn't paying for them.

Reminds me of being a child, everytime my aunt pulled up outside me and my sibling used to run around hiding things from "the demolition squad" aka our cousins. They managed to break a tonka toy, the supposed indescribable 70's metal toys

My child's close friend was like this. We simply never ever had him round. That wasn't because we didn't value the relationship. It was because we DID value the relationship, and I knew the relationship would suffer if he came round and wreaked havoc.

Outdoors was much better, or at his house.

The other good thing about meeting up at the park was that if anyone had had enough, they could get away. There's no polite way to eject a friend from your house when he's doing things which wind you or your child up but aren't 100% unacceptable, and you just feel you've had all you can take today.

Ten years later, when he was 15, we finally started having him round. He is absolutely fine to visit now. There have been no issues whatsoever. I don't even need to stay in the same room anymore. Maybe I could/should have started having him over a couple of years earlier, but I was too worried because he'd been so destructive as a child.

I wonder whether your friend, knowing that none of her possessions can be kept safe, has come to think of all material things as replaceable. It would be understandable for her to develop that attitude so she can preserve her own sanity. The parent of our young friend seemed to have developed that view, about their own family's stuff anyway. By contrast, you and I have the luxury of getting attached to our things and expecting them to remain intact, because we know that the people in our household won't trash them. I think it's a step too far for your friend to expect you to change your view.

My children are upset every time they come to visit, with fear about what will happen to their belongings.

That's all you should be focusing on. However much you feel it matters to your friend to have someone around for her, you shouldn't be putting your friendship and concern for her above your children's feelings. They shouldn't have to worry what of theirs will be broken or damaged every time she and her DD visit. They shouldn't have to feel that your friend is more important to you than they are. And they will if you keep letting this happen. Time to stand up for them.

Don’t have her child in your house, go for outdoor or soft play only. It must be awful for your friend 😔especially knowing that her child may never get to have a regular life. But your DCs house is their safe place, they shouldn’t have to put up with their things being destroyed. SEN or not, the child’s mother needs to intervene and manage her behaviour appropriately

its not on that her child destroys something and she doesn’t replace it

I love all that you've said in this post. The only thing I will say is I don't think the the non-replacement of broken items is the half of the issue - it's the fact they got broken at all.

I know that she will be incredibly hurt if I change the goal posts, but I can’t see that I have any choice.

You could tell her that the situation with the breaking of "materials" does not work for you - maybe even say that in isolation you could make exceptions, but it's not something your children have to endure. Then ask her if she can help you find a solution so that it does "work", so that the visits can continue.

Then again, I could just be very idealistic. I'm afraid I'm a childless 40-something with what I expect is some sort of ADHD, which would explain my behaviour as a child, and added to which I have an older sister with a host of mental health issues and learning difficulties. I grew up in the 1980s with a mother who saw everything her children did as an extension of herself, so I can only imagine what would have happened if I'd broken things in someone's house in front of her. TBH I wouldn't be alive to type this. Times are certainly different now.

Op im another who'd suggest meeting half way. Because you can't allow your kids to be upset like that. Or you go to their house .

You have to be honest with her, explain it’s not just material things, some of it is emotional

explain how her child has upset yours, and that her child has destroyed something that is your child’s toy and you simply can’t afford to replace and that’s upset your child

explain that whilst you understand she has a difficult time sometimes with her child, you simply can’t allow her to continually upset your children, so moving forward you will need to agree to meet halfway between the two of you

its not on that her child destroys something and she doesn’t replace it